


Last Thing You'll Do

by calliope-plantain (calliope_plantain)



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-28
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-01-02 21:32:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 160,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1061888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calliope_plantain/pseuds/calliope-plantain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down. *Established Swan Queen*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

**Author** : Calliope-plantain

**Rating:**  M

**Pairing:** Regina/Emma

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

**Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

**Author's Note:** This story is largely based on a dream I had.

**Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she's missed are her fault ;)

" _The next heart you crush will be mine" – 45-Spacer._

Two hours! That maddening woman was two hours late. The former mayor knew from her years in office, work frequently overran. The sheriff position was no exception. That wasn't what was infuriating Regina. Their rule was if Emma was to be late she would contact herself or Henry in advance if possible, which it usually was. Tonight was Henry's night out at his grandparents', leaving the two women to their evening alone. It wasn't a luxury they were used to having, and such the brunette had decided to make the night special.

Emma was always home at five, sometimes even earlier if like this evening Henry was going to be away. Counting on Emma's love for food and sex Regina prepared their meal for the exactly five o'clock, and had waited in an elegant dress and designer heels near the door to greet her lover. However Emma had not shown. Which was why at seven o'clock at night Regina was sat in her beautiful but simple black dress, tracing the rim of her wine glass; the only hint of her home made meal left upon the table. An hour earlier, after at least six missed calls to the absent woman Regina had put their meal in fridge.

The whole mansion looked much the same as it always had, though the feeling being home had never been stronger for the former queen. She finally had her family, her happy ending. The people of Storybrooke had shown their excitement and relief at the group's safe return from Neverland by throwing a party in Granny's. Several hours in had found Regina and Emma sharing their first kiss. Once the shock and slight awkwardness of encounter had subsided and if she was honest persistence of a certain blonde she's agreed to their first date.

It hadn't taken long for the people of Storybrooke to find out about their secret relationship; two months to be exact. Hardly surprising when Emma kept breaking their no "Public Display of Affection" rule, nor when Regina didn't have it in her to mind. Another three months had found the town's sheriff moving in with Regina and their son. A year and half after that first fateful kiss, Regina could say her life was perfect.


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down. *Established Swan Queen*

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

**Author** : Calliope-plantain

**Rating:**  M

**Pairing:** Regina/Emma

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

**Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

**Author's Note:** This story is largely based on a dream I had.

**Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she's missed are her fault ;)

" _The next heart you crush will be mine" – 45-Spacer._

The gentle opening and closing of the front door might as well have been slammed as the noise carried through the silent house. Regina stiffened, bracing herself for the inevitable row that was about to explode once the blonde reached the kitchen. The older woman could hear each movement Emma made in her journey towards her position, each step getting louder the closer she got.

The dishevelled Sheriff appeared in the doorway, now her signature red jacket and boots shred, Regina assumed in their rightful places. Emma looked exhausted. The former queen had watched her love get more tired and stressed as her work load had increased in the last month. That stress and anxiety had manifested in tension headaches in the young blonde, something Regina was well accustomed to in her days as Mayor. Snow made no exceptions or allowances for her daughter now she had taken the position of Mayor. Emma was her town's Sheriff and would do the work that was needed, even if the result was the drained woman stood in their doorway.

Regina allowed herself a moment to enjoy the other woman's presence; nearly two years together hadn't lessened the feelings of butterflies at seeing the woman she loved. The moment however passed as she remembered her irritation. Emma had been working herself to the bone, and Regina had wanted to make the night special. Make Emma feel special and looked after. Loved. And the woman hadn't turned up! "You're late" Regina stated her tone carrying years of authority.

Emma seemed to sag slightly against the door frame, it now keeping her up. "I know. Sorry, I didn't expect things to go on so long" the blonde explained looking genuinely guilty.

"What's our rule, dear?" Regina asked ignoring the fatigued stance of the other woman. She wouldn't be angry for long. Emma had softened her, depending who you asked; both for better and worse. The "Evil Queen" had been tamed, and right now it wasn't something Regina was too happy about. The blonde had done something wrong and would be held responsible…for now.

"I know… You know what Mary Margaret has been like lately. Things just got the better of me and before I knew it I was late. I didn't mean to be", Emma explained; it seemed missing the point of this faux interrogation.

"What is our rule Miss Swan", she repeated her tone even to her own ears sounded deadly. "If you had better things to do all you had to do is call. You should have called to inform me that you wouldn't be here on time. I wouldn't have put the effort into a meal for us both, had I known you did not want to be here", Regina's voice commanding an almost lethal calm, while she felt her heart pound in her chest.

Emma seemed to sag under scrutiny; her arms were tightly crossed across her chest. Regina saw the moment the blonde cracked. Instead of Emma crumbling beneath her regal glare, she saw the flame erupt in the blonde's returning glower. "It's Miss Swan now? Sorry I don't think so. We haven't travelled back three years, just because I wasn't here exactly on time. As for  _rules_? I wasn't aware I was in a relationship with my mother, Regina. I'm not five! I've said I'm sorry damn it. I didn't mean to be this late. Of course I wanted to be here!" Emma all but screamed at her. For a moment it felt good. Emma had always been her equal in their arguments. She had been the first person to challenge her, to stand up to her in almost thirty years.

The buzz of the argument however fizzled out as soon as it had come following the blonde's next words, "I didn't want to ruin your meal… I'm so sorry". Her voice cracking, whether with emotion or tiredness Regina didn't know. The teeth worrying the Sheriff's bottom lip suggested the former.

Rising from her seat Regina couldn't help but shake her head. "It's not ruined. It can be warmed. It wasn't my meal Emma", she explained emphasising the blonde's name. No she was no longer "Miss Swan" though Regina did sometimes revisit the name in the bedroom quite enjoying the effect it had on the younger woman. "I know how hard you've been working and I wanted to do something special for you. Give you the night off…to be taken care of", the brunette continued, coming to a standstill in front of the blonde. She could feel the static pouring from the other woman.

"I'm worried for you. You're working too hard and it's damaging your health" Regina explained slowly as if to a small child; she heard Emma's small sigh. The older woman risked placing her hand upon the blonde's forearm and was relieved to see it wasn't shrugged away. It was an argument which had been boiling away quietly for almost a month now both skirting the issue when possible in fear of the fallout. On the whole the brunette had kept her mouth shut, but it was becoming clear the work load was having a toll on Emma's physical and emotional state. "Have you considered asking your mother for some time off…reduced hours maybe?" Regina supplied gently knowing she was treading on very thin ice.

Once again Emma's emotions came crashing down upon her. "Ask for … are you kidding me Regina? I'm not incapable of doing my job", the other woman all but screamed at her. The former queen couldn't help but finch slightly at the look on Emma's face. Hurt, anger, and irritation to name a few of the emotions she could see and name. "I'm not going to skip off work just because I have a headache" Emma stated incredulously.

Regina fought the urge to clench the arm in her grip. She was inches away from throwing the woman backwards and screaming at her, herself. Emma just didn't get it. Emma didn't see sense. A Charming flaw. "It's not just headaches though is it?" Regina fought back, ignoring Emma's look of annoyance. "Every day this week you've woken feeling sick and on more than one occasion have been so after breakfast. You've been suffering with these headaches for over a month now. And you can go from the Emma I love to…" Regina hesitated for a moment. She wanted Emma to see she was worried but this fighting wasn't going to get them anywhere.

"What? To what" Emma bite back pulling her arm away from Regina's grasp. The former queen missed the contact immediately; the distance between them seemed to span miles.

"A bitch" the brunette added. She saw Emma's nostrils flare and continued before the other woman could interrupt. "Your concentration has gone. You've never had the greatest attention span but when it's needed you're always on the mark. Emma you need to stop and slow down. You need to talk to Snow, tell her you need time off. See Whale, he could prescribe something" Regina suggested though saw instantly she was saying all the wrong things.

"For god sake Regina. Will you just stop telling me what to do! I am stressed out of my mind; you'd think my girlfriend would be supportive…but no not you. Why do you need to control  _everything_?" Emma shouted; her face inches away from Regina's. "These headaches aren't much worse than the ones I had when you had me working off my feet. You didn't give a damn then…why now? Because my mother has your job and now you're screwing me?" the blonde finished her breaths coming out hard and laboured.

If Regina was honest with herself it took all her willpower not to slap Emma across the face. She could feel the buzz of her magic beneath her skin. Emma's only saving grace was the shocked expression which took form across her entire face as her last word fell from her lips. Green eyes looked at her wide and full of guilt. It wasn't the first time in the last month Emma had spoken to her like this though usually it ended before Emma had gotten so forceful…so malicious. It normally ended with one of the women storming out, and thankfully only had happened a few times.

"Regina. I'm sorry. I…" Emma whispered; sounding so genuine it almost broke her heart further.

Regina put her hand up to stop Emma talking which ceased at once. Swallowing slightly, keeping her emotions at bay Regina's hand balled into a fist in the air. "Just…stop" the brunette's voice shook, though she wasn't sure whether it was with anger or hurt. The blonde looked back at her eyes still wide with the shock at her latest outburst. "Go have a shower. I will warm our meal through" Regina stated her voice sounding much calmer than her felt inside.

Emma shook her head slightly, moving forward to mirror Regina's former position with her own hand now resting on the brunette's raised forearm. "I am so sorry. I don't think that. I don't" Emma explained sounding panicked her lover wouldn't believe her. Regina did believe her but it didn't stop it from hurting.

"I need  _you_  to go upstairs and have a shower. I  _will_  warm the food through and we will eat when you come back down. I need a moment Emma, so please…go" Regina asked, stepping backwards allowing Emma's hand to fall from her arm. The older woman knew she was begging the blonde with her eyes; she didn't care. She couldn't help the fleeting relief she felt when Emma's head lowered as she turned to do as she was asked.

At the foot of the stairs however the broken woman turned to face her again. "I'm sorry. I love you, you know" Emma said with so much sincerity it hurt.

Regina felt her breath catch in her chest. "I know" was her simple reply before retreating into kitchen. Leaning backwards once she was out of sight, Regina waited a moment to catch her breath as she listened to Emma ascend up the stairs with the grace of a baby elephant. Something their son had gotten from his birth mother.

Regina didn't like warming food in the microwave, but tonight she would have to make the exception. Pulling the several plates out of the fridge she set about warming their meal. Another glass of wine was poured for herself, Emma could choose between wine and her own beers in the fridge. Within minutes her heels were kicked off and cast aside, she could remove them to their rightful place on her way to bed. Emma had seen her effort, through had shown no sign of acknowledging it.

Regina could just hear the noise of the microwave over the sound of her own breathing as she leant against the countertop. This wasn't how this night was supposed to go. It was meant to be fun. It was meant to be rememberable for its lack of excitement … or at least excitement of a different kind. The two women barely saw each other. Around Henry and Emma's job the only time they saw each other were in the moments before and after sleep. That was if Emma didn't have to leave straight after dinner and come home after Regina was asleep, which had happened more frequently of late.

She couldn't shake the feeling that Emma was slipping away. Maybe not intentionally, but her work was taking her away from her family. Even Henry had complained about only seeing Emma at dinner time just as Charming had come to collect him. She didn't want to lose what they had. Their relationship was hard, all relationships are. Their dynamic mixed with Snow's disapproval of their relationship made things very difficult at times. It was one thing that Regina didn't blame Snow for, but she wouldn't lose Emma.

Tonight's fight was her fault. She had attacked Emma as soon as she'd walked through the door. She had sensed the argument, or maybe she'd caused it. Maybe it was her who was pushing Emma away as much as Snow was dragging her away. Regina's heart clentch at the thought. When it was just been them, when they were just Emma and Regina; and not Henry's mothers or The Saviour and the Evil Queen, things had been perfect. Something that Regina would never had said she would get, never mind deserved. She never thought she'd find her happiness in the daughter of the woman she hated more than anyone else. Regina made an effort because of Henry and Emma, but her feelings towards Snow were still no secret. Neither were Snow's towards her.

Regina jumped as the microwave indicated the first plate's warming period over with loud beep. Dragging herself over the first plate was replaced by the second; and the warmed plate was covered to ensure the heat remained. No noises came from the floors above. Regina often wondering if Emma's inability to refuse her mother was from fear Snow would reject her. She wasn't sure she'd ever feel guiltless over that very thought.

Regina felt tears form in her eyes as her brain replayed the Sheriff's harsh words. Did Regina treat Emma more like she was her mother than lover? She didn't mean to if she did. She wanted what was best for both the blonde and their son. She wanted to protect and look after the two people who meant most to her. She loved Emma. In the start she had denied it, she couldn't even now pinpoint the moment when she fell in love, neither the moment she realised it. It was rather poetic; the Evil Queen falling in love the Saviour.

Emma thought Regina sort to control her? She didn't. Regina liked order that was true, she preferred notice if plans were going to be changed. That didn't make her a bad person did it? She wanted Emma to be … Emma the woman she'd fallen in love with. She didn't want a twisted replica of herself in Emma form. Sure there were things about Emma which annoyed the former mayor, most of which Emma knew about and would use whenever they were in an argument, just to annoy her further. Something Emma hadn't done tonight. What did that mean? Was the fight just a result of fatigue or something else?

Her suggestion that Emma took time off came from a place of love and concern, not need to control. The last few weeks Regina had tried to stay awake the nights Emma had needed to go back to work. She had stayed awake and worried about the woman who should have been lying next to her. The bed now felt too big, too suffocating without the other woman in it. Regina had spent hours over the last week alone worrying about Emma's rapid decline in health. That was where the suggestion had come from, nothing more. Did Emma really believe differently? Did she really see Regina as her non-supportive partner?

The blonde had said Regina only cared because she was the sheriff to her mother. Did she think Regina was only with her to have some influence over the town, and the decisions made by the present mayor? Emma had been right. Regina hadn't cared about Emma's wellbeing when she was appointed Sheriff under her rule. She hadn't seen the impact Regina's persistence of paperwork amongst other things had had on the younger woman. She hadn't cared to notice. Back then Regina saw Emma as a threat. Time Emma spent working was time she wasn't spending with Henry. She had believed it was what was best for Henry.

Her views had changed. Her actions and feelings towards Emma had changed…long before their relationship had started. If she had known, she'd like to have thought she would have lessened the work load. Maybe not then, but now. Now she would rip the paperwork out of Emma's hands and drag her kicking and screaming from the sheriff's office if that's what it took. Regina couldn't help the sad smile at the thought it of; because that's probably what it would take.

She loved Emma. She was in love with her. Everything about her, and she wouldn't lose her. Not over a job. Not over her mother or a stupid argument. Emma had to know where her worries came from. That she only wanted what was best…

Regina jumped slightly as she felt strong arms engulf her from behind, strong hands gliding across her stomach; pulling her away from her musings. Sighing deeply she inhaled the smell she'd come to associate with the other woman. Vanilla, spice and tint of something she's yet to discover its name but was the pure essence of Emma Swan. A gentle kiss is placed at the base of Regina's neck making her shiver ever so slightly.

Emma's chin came to rest on Regina's shoulder and she could feel the blonde's breath tickle the side of face. It was only then she realised she was standing in front of a dark microwave, though this time it seemed it's bleeping had not been enough to awaken her from her thoughts.

She felt rather than heard Emma's deep but shaking breath as the blonde rested her head in the crux of Regina's neck; as if she was trying to breathe her in. "I'm sorry" came the small whisper next to her ear. Without looking Regina knew she meant it, and knew if she did she'd find tears in the blonde's eyes.

"I know" Regina's whispered reassurance broke the silence.

"I'm going to see Mary Margaret tomorrow", Emma explained softly, her damp hair slightly sticking to the side of Regina's face. The brunette swallowed slightly, and couldn't but give a small smile. Emma was finally doing to do something about it. Finally looking after herself.

"I wasn't telling you to do anything", Regina said gently, one of her own hands joining Emma's. It wasn't often Emma held her like this, but it always made her feel safe. Made her feel special.

"I know. But you were right. It needs to stop. I can't keep hurting you and Henry like this", Emma said her voice cracking considerably. Regina wanted to turn but Emma's grip around her waist made it impossible. "I want to be here. I don't want to lose you. Either of you", the blonde's voice shook dangerously.

"You won't" Regina reassured. Once again she tried to turn but Emma seems to have her pinned in place against the counter. "Emma please?" she begged, needing to comfort the clearly distressed woman behind her.

It took a moment to feel the body against her shift, and Regina wasted no time in turning in Emma's arms. Regina saw the first tear fall as their eyes met. The brunette's arms easily slid around Emma's neck, pulling her back in close. "No one is losing anyone. You got that" Regina said with as much conviction as she could manage.

She wasn't sure if she felt Emma nod but her arms tightened around Regina's back pulling her in impossibly close. An answer all the same. Regina could feel the heat of Emma's body through the blonde's robe. The former queen was no hugger. She did not do hugs. Or cuddles. If you asked anyone who was not the woman in her arms or their son, they would have said the Evil Queen did not do hugs. But in the arms of the two most important people in her life, she felt safe. She felt home. They knew and loved her for who she really was.

"I didn't mean any of it", Emma mumbled into Regina's shoulder. The older woman placed a gentle kiss into the damp hairline next to her face. Pulling back slightly, she could see in Emma's eyes she didn't mean it. The brunette gave what she hoped was a reassuring smile. Emma on the other hand cast her eyes away.

Regina knew her lips pursed as she felt the urge to sigh. "I know" she repeated. "Henry is at your parents' for the night, it's just us. I just wanted some us time where I could pamper you in  _any_  way you saw fit without our teenage son looking at us as if he's going to die of embarrassment", Regina explained unable to help the slight flirtatious tone and smile as she tried to catch Emma's avoiding eye.

"I didn't mean to ruin our night", the other woman gave her whispered apology to the patch of counter top a foot or so from Regina's shoulder. The former queen knew her own anger and frustration came from her desire to look after her love, while Emma's anger and easy submission came from a place of exhaustion. Regina couldn't help the tug of guilt upon her chest. Wanting the night to be easy, enjoyable and stress free was never going to be achievable by attacking the woman as soon as she stepped foot in the house.

"Hey..." Regina reassured. The blonde's shoulders lowered slightly at the tone. "It's not. Delayed. But not ruined." The brunette continued with a loving smile, still trying to catch Emma's eye. "I'm sorry I got angry with you, I worry and I plan; always thinking the worst" she explained, hoping Emma would understand. She wasn't always good at explaining herself. She tried and often arguments erupted through miscommunication.

The older woman weaved her hand into the damp blonde tresses tugging slightly, making Emma move to look her directly in the eye. "I love you", she reassured watching the other woman's eyes raise to her own. She watched as the smile on Emma's lips started small turned into a full blown beam; a smile she couldn't help but return.

Regina couldn't help but claim those lips. The kiss wasn't urgent or rushed; but soft and tender. She couldn't help but notice the taste of blonde's salty tears which had fallen and died upon her lips as her tongue slid across the bottom one ever so slightly. Pulling away she couldn't help but smile at the slightly dreamy expression on woman before her, whose eyes had yet to open.

"I'm still…" Emma breathed.

"Don't you dare say you're sorry" Regina bite back with a slight smirk. She watched as Emma risked opening one eye. "I know", she supplied yet again with a nod and yet another reassuring smile. The dreamy smile increased to a full beaming grin.

"Were you saying you thought I needed a shower…was I not good enough as I was" Emma asked with a start, eyebrow raised possibly in concern that Regina thought it. The older woman pushed away the need to tell Emma to not remind her of her second of weakness. Her need to run, and shelter herself; if only for a moment. Regina couldn't lie she had become accustomed to Emma's usual attire and loved it when Emma made an effort outside of her iconic wardrobe but the other woman would always look beautiful no matter what she wore.

"Of course you were…and are. You're beautiful; a shower simply tidied you up around the edges and readied you for the night ahead…" Regina breathed, watching Emma's eyes flicker and darken slightly. The blonde gave no come back. Her only answer was a sudden hard and forceful kiss which knocked Regina off kilter, allowing her the other woman to spin her slightly and be pushed against the counter behind her. Before Regina could deepen the kiss Emma had pulled away slightly panting.

Regina couldn't help the breathless chuckle. Talk about their night doing a full three-sixty. "We should really have our meal. I won't be able to reheat it again" Regina said her words sounding rushed. She received a grin from her lover.

Emma leant forward slightly again, pushing her whole robe-clad length into older woman, causing Regina to gasp. "On one condition…you put your heels back on" Emma supplied, her eyes glimmering darkly. Regina couldn't help the shiver that ran down her spine at the unabashed way the blonde's eyes travelled down her body. Emma had noticed, and it  _had_  been appreciated.


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down. *Established Swan Queen*

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

**Author** : Calliope-plantain

**Rating:**  M

**Pairing:** Regina/Emma

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

**Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

**Author's Note:** This story is largely based on a dream I had.

**Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she's missed are her fault ;)

" _The next heart you crush will be mine" – 45-Spacer._

The second the dishwasher door was closed Regina found she was pressed against it with Emma's mouth seizing her throat. She couldn't help the appreciating moan that broke the silence of the kitchen as the other woman pushed herself against Regina's back once again. Dinner had been a quiet affair though the dark hungry eyes which had watched her every movement had spoken volumes.

Emma's hand cupped the brunette's breast. Almost enticingly slow. A thumb grazed across her nipple, almost undetectable through her dress and bra. Jutting her upper half forward to gain more pressure became even more desirable when she heard Emma's gasp of pleasure as her ass grounding into her. Seizing on Emma's moment of lack of concentration Regina turned, pulling the other woman flush against her.

Both women gave a silent gasp as their bodies melded perfectly. Regina's heels gave her a small lift, meaning she had to duck slightly to take Emma's lips. She felt the blonde shudder against her, delighting in the feeling. She could taste the beer Emma had just drained. She could hear their lips smacking together, and feel their hearts race in their chests. She could feel herself falling, and knew the woman holding her would always catch her.

Emma hands were back on her. One driven so deep into her hair it was almost painful the other pinning her to the counter front by the hip. Feeling Emma's tongue slide against her own was like Heaven on Earth and made her head spin. Despite the passion and forcefulness of their kisses or the nips given to their respected partners' lips neither fought for dominance. Though Regina could feel Emma's fast approaching surge of control and it weakened her knees.

Regina's groan vibrated through her chest as Emma's hand danced across her skin. She felt the blonde's smug smirk. A slightly harder nip was given to Emma's bottom lip causing her to yelp slightly. The brunette grinned back into the kiss, gently massaging the damaged skin beneath her tongue. She felt Emma's knee move by the shift to her dress but the pressure she most needed to her core never came. Her knees however buckled at the feel of Emma's hand travelling passed her waist to lift the hem of her dress up.

Emma's hold on the older woman plus the tightness of the dress stopped the garment from moving further than a matter of inches. The brunette still groaned at the feeling of her lover's warm hands on those inches of thigh she'd revealed.

Regina couldn't help but chuckle however at the frustrated grunt from her lover as the black dress she'd been ogling at all night was now stopping her from getting what she wanted. What they wanted. "Bed?" Regina suggested breathlessly. In her daze all the saviour could do was nod. Another heated kiss was given before the blonde grabbed her hand and pulled her away from the countertop on shaking legs. The hand gripping her own was almost painful, though it was long forgotten when Emma turned to her as they reached the bottom of the staircase.

Whether it was knowledge that they wouldn't be caught by Henry or just the buzz of having Emma finally near her in longer than she could remember; Regina didn't know, but she didn't need to find out as the blonde was crushed into the adjacent wall. Emma let out a small wince of pain at the movement but by the way she seized Regina's offering lips the damaged wasn't lasting.

Their joint hands rested beside Emma's head, while the Sherriff's remaining hand wove its way into Regina's hair pulling her almost painfully into their kiss. It was all tongue and teeth, and the older woman didn't care. She could feel her heart beating at an erratic rate, or was that Emma's? A low groan sounded from within Emma's chest causing Regina to grin and push once again into the other woman. The receiving moan only spurring her on.

Regina's free hand had pinned Emma's hip to the wall, which by the way it had started twitching was clearly for the best. The only sounds which broke the silence of the house were their breathing and wet noises of lips meeting over and over again. The brunette's senses were being bombarded by Emma's touch, smell and taste. She was intoxicating.

The hand gripping Emma's hip moved ever so slowly up the blonde's side to palm the robe covered breast. Emma's head shot back with an audible gasp. Regina grinned into the offering neck as she felt the blonde's nipple pebble beneath her touch. Emma wasn't wearing a bra. "God", Emma moaned as Regina latched herself onto her throat. The hand entangled into Regina's hair pushed and pulled firmer, directing her in the sexiest way possible. The former queen could feel Emma's pulse dart beneath her tongue. Regina knew she was marking Emma; and she didn't care. She was hers. Forever.

Kicking Emma's feet apart allowed Regina to push herself even further into the robed woman. The blonde's hips had started their slow rock, trying to gain any contact. "Thought…you…said bed" sounded the shuddering woman, still holding Regina's head in place.

The brunette raised her head to the sheriff's ear, gently tracing the shell with her tongue feeling Emma shudder once again beneath her. "It's not my fault you're so irresistible", she breathed into ear she was now all but devouring.

"Regina. Please" Emma whispered. Pulling away to look at younger woman Regina felt her arousal peek even higher at the sight of her darkened hooded eyes and swollen lips. It had been too long since they had been together. Just as the brunette leant in for another kiss Emma spoke again, "Please take me to bed". She saw the plea in the other woman's eyes and felt her heart soar and libido rise. Emma's panting breath danced across her face; all she could do was agree.

Pulling away she felt Emma sag slightly against her. Clearly her legs weren't functioning at their full capacity. She heard the blonde's embarrassed laugh. "I've got you" Regina reassured seeing Emma's eyes sparkle ever so slightly. "Come on" Regina whispered pulling Emma along with her up the stairs.

The ascent was slow, mainly because Emma had missed the first two steps and just caught the third. By the time they reached the top however the blonde's legs were working just fine. Something Regina became aware of as she felt Emma pull her back. The former mayor turned just in time to see a mess of darkened blonde hair, and feel the body collide with her own before Emma's lips were upon her again. This time however she could feel Emma was guiding her towards their bedroom.

The door swung open, crashing off the wall behind it. As she drunk in the lips being offered to her Regina found she didn't care. It certainly wasn't the first damage which had been inflicted upon the house during their time together, and she was pretty sure it wouldn't be the last. To be on the safe side she'd make Emma clean the scuff marks in the morning.

The door was left open; it wasn't like someone was going to walk in on them in their empty house. It seemed to take them two strides of the room before Emma pushed Regina back onto their bed. Anything other time the brunette would have laughed at the small bounce she did on landing but all thoughts of doing so were erased when Emma crawled on top of her; the short robe bunching around her hips. Regina could feel Emma's heat through her dress and what she assumed was the other woman's underwear.

Emma licked up the base of Regina throat before latched herself to her pulse point. Regina knew Emma was about to be frustrated once again with her dress; it was zipped on the back. She was not about to have another of her dresses ruined by the Sheriff's impatience. Though she was surprised when all it took was a little pressure to roll the blonde onto her back. Usually Emma fought for dominance. Regina's skin was released with a small pop.

Emma's darkened eyes glittered with disappointment when Regina moved from on top of her; until she saw her lover's hands drift behind her back. Emma has once confessed she thought it was extremely hot watching Regina remove her own back zipped dresses; and so she would give her a show.

Their eyes met and she could see Emma's devilish grin take form. Regina took her time lowering the small zip, moving so the dress would slide off her body with almost excruciating slowness. Regina's skin tingled as it was exposed to the air and Emma's hungry stare. The tingle turned to a shiver as she felt the blonde's gaze drift down her body taking in her matching bra and underwear. With a hooked finger one heel was removed before the other the brunette's gaze never leaving her lover's. Lastly removed were her pantyhose which she had barely stepped out of before Emma seized her around the waist.

It surprised her when she once again landed on top of Emma. It was almost in Emma's nature to top the older woman, and Regina found it hot as hell to be dominated by blonde. She however was not going to waste the opportunity she'd been given. After all it was Emma's night.

Shifting so she could straddle Emma's hips, her hands moved to the cord which was hiding the other woman's body from her. Regina watched as the blonde's tightened nipples seem to pucker further with the temperature change. The brunette lowered her head tracing a slight line with her tongue from Emma's naval finishing in the valley between her breasts. The taste of Emma's skin was something Regina had missed. The taste it took during their love making, a taste which was simply Emma. Beneath her tongue she could feel Emma's fast drumming heartbeat.

Regina allowed the warmth and softness of Emma's skin push into her own, shifting her lower half just an inch lower to let her leg shift between the blonde's thigh felling for the first time how wet her lover had become. The movement caused both women to moan. Emma's quickened breathing was causing her breasts to rise and fall; something which Regina seized upon. Her eyes never leaving Emma's, Regina licked the raised bud with the flat of her tongue watching the blonde's mouth open in a silent gasp.

One of Emma's legs which were still hanging off the edge of bed rose slightly to gain more pressure from Regina's knee. Regina grinned into the now heaving breast, before taking the nipple completely into her mouth. She grinned further when she saw Emma's eyes slam closed. She alternated between licking sucking and biting at the small peddled fleshed, enjoying the enchanting noises coming from the women beneath her. Every time Regina's tongue circled the taut nub followed by a flick, she pushed ever so gently into Emma's heated core. The blonde's hips were grinding into her, while her lover's hands buried themselves into the sheets beneath them. Emma really was giving up control.

Emma let out a disappointed groan when Regina removed her mouth and knee from her. Regina watched with a smirk as the younger woman's eyes opened with a hazy slightly unfocused glare. With a small tilt of her head Regina hooked her thumbs around the waist band of Emma's underwear, hearing the half-naked woman's hitched breath.

The garment was slid from the slim waist; thankfully Emma had enough function left to be able to lift herself to allow it. Down her slender legs before joining Regina's puddle of discarded clothing. "Scoot" was Regina's only reply. It seemed to take a moment for Emma to register the command before moving backwards up the bed. It took seconds for Regina to rip her bra and underwear off and once the blonde was no longer upon her discarded robe Regina pulled that too onto the graveyard of previously removed items of clothing.

It was unusual these days for Regina to feel like a queen. No one ever treat her as such anymore; but the way Emma looks at her whether it is over the morning cereal or like right now in her completely naked state; she felt worshipped.

Emma's glance was almost animalist as she watched Regina crawl her way towards her. Regina's hands grazed Emma's legs delighting in their quiver. Nipping at Emma's hip with her teeth, she heard the other's small yelp. A soothing swirl of her tongue caused it turn into a groan. The assaulted hip jutted trying to gain Regina's attention which was not given but the heat from Emma's mount was almost irresistible. Instead she continued once again with a firm flat tongue up Emma's abdomen; licking all traces of salt from the blonde's skin as she slid one leg across Emma's thigh, delighting in the surge of pleasure at the contact. The writhing woman beneath her attempted to move so the wandering tongue would at least graze her tightened nipple; Regina allowed it. Before moving higher.

As she hovered over the blonde's face, Emma wasted no time plunging her tongue into the brunette's waiting mouth. Ever the dominator. "Impatient" was Regina's faux reprimand. The brunette's hand lowered brushing the small nest of hair between her thighs and felt the hips rise even further off the bed. The feel of Emma molten need was instantly noticeable. Without entering the younger woman, Regina's fingers were practically coated.

"Screw slow" Emma demanded with a growled which sent a jolt right to Regina's core.

"That's exactly what I am doing", was Regina's simple reply.

She grinned into her lover's lips at the annoyed moan erupting from them; it was clear that was not what she'd meant. "No…I mean…" Emma's desperate tone sounded.

"I know" was Regina's reassuring reply. Emma's mouth opened in a gasp which never met the brunette's ears as she plunges two fingers into Emma's molten centre. When no resistance was met she added a third upon her next thrust. She heard Emma cry that time; and for once in a very long time she could watch her lover come undone. The woman's cry did not need to be shushed or quietened by Regina's mouth; because they were completely alone. Regina could bask in awe at everything that was Emma Swan.

Regina stilled her hand momentarily to allow Emma to get used to the new intrusion. When the blonde nodded slightly Regina took it as her cue. Regina moved to rest upon her forearm next to Emma's head bringing her inches away from the woman below her. Both women gasped as their body melded together. Regina felt a jolt of desire shot from her aching nipples to her clit.

Regina's fingers began a slow but steady rhythm, which Emma's frantic hip immediately tried to increase. Regina watched as Emma's face creased in pure ecstasy, it was truly breath taking. It had been too long since she'd seen Emma like this is. Since they'd been like this. Regina sped up her movement feeling a slight burn in her wrist. The moans, groans and gasps from the younger woman were tantalising and shot straight to Regina's centre. It seemed sensing the brunette's need Emma's arm trailed down her spine making her skin tingle. The former queen gasped when Emma grabbed her backside pulling her lower half flush against Emma's thigh and Regina's own hand which was knuckle deep in Emma warm folds.

Her own hips were being directed by the movements of the woman beneath her; both to bring Regina pleasure but also Emma as Regina realised her knee was pushing her fingers in deeper. "Sneaky" Regina reprimanded only receiving a grin return.

Taking their sensuous dance into her hands Regina ground her hips harder and faster seeing Emma gawk at the change of pace. Fingers curled as they pumped in and out of the blonde's slick depths. Emma's walls contracted, trying to drag Regina's invading digits in further. God she'd missed this. Emma's laboured breath danced across her face; she could literally taste her lover's breath. Regina could feel her own desire sliding against the flesh beneath her, as her hips bucked bringing them closer to the edge. While Emma's build up would be slow and time consuming, Regina would be fast and dirty against the blonde's toned thigh. Not that she minded.

Emma tried to lift her head to capture brunette's panting lips; which Regina dodged with a slight almost evil chuckle. Emma's whimper when she could not reach Regina's lips in any other context would have been adorable. "What do you need dear?" Regina asked, her voice even to her own ears sounding as if it was dripping with desire

"I need … I…" Emma gasped sounding as if she was about to cry in frustration.

"Tell me", Regina commanded. Looking down at the woman she loved … the woman she craved, she saw Emma's chest heave with the exertion of just to draw oxygen into her body. A dark blush had taken form across her skin which glimmered with sweat in the light of the lamp beside their bed.

Another groan seemed to rip itself forth form the blonde's chest. "Fu…argh" Emma choked as her hips bucked irritably causing Regina's sex to grind even harder into the blonde's flesh. It was a dance Regina knew well, and wouldn't give the frustrated blonde the release she was seeking until she gave her the demand.

"You. Need…you. Please", Emma begged.

It wasn't the answer she had hoped for, or thought she'd get; but the look in her lover's eyes was that of undiluted love, need and desperation and it was for her… and her alone. She declined her head the inches between them taking Emma's mouth forcefully; with one last firm flick across Emma's clit.

Despite the want to claim Regina's lip, Emma's mouth opened in a silent cry before seizing them again. Their hips ground and bucked neither setting the pace their bodies found themselves in. Emma's fingers grasping at Regina's back; fingernails digging in almost painfully hard. Regina felt as if she going to explode and based on the tight muscles pulsating round her pounding fingers Emma would soon be coming undone. Moisture seemed to cling to every inch of them. Their kisses uncoordinated were wet and messy.

"I love you" Regina whispered into their broken kisses and felt the moment when Emma drove straight over the edge with one last thrust. The blonde's head shot back with sob of ecstasy. Regina took her opportunity to claim her previous mark on Emma's neck darkening it further. Regina felt herself shudder as the flame, and the jolts of electricity at her core ran through her whole body, consuming her. Her hips were working in fast sharp movements, making sure to milk every inch of Emma's orgasm. The blonde cried out once again, wrapping the former Mayor even closer to her effectively stopping Regina's fingers.

Catching her breath she could still feel the aftershocks in Emma's muscles and couldn't help her lazy grin into the blonde's flesh. It took her a moment to realise Emma was crying. Moving above the younger woman she saw tears falling down Emma's cheeks. "Hey" Regina said softly making to move from inside her lover.

"Don't" Emma pleaded her hand lazily catching Regina's forearm.

The brunette nodded moving her free hand to brush Emma's escaped hair away from her face. "Okay" Regina reassured, feeling the hand gripping her arm relax. "I've got you" the brunette said repeating her words from downstairs.

Regina watched as Emma swallowed slightly, further tears falling from the bright green eyes. "I've missed you" the blonde stated her voice quivering slightly. The former queen smiled gently feeling her heart flutter.

"Me too" Regina whispered back. There was so much in the sparkling eyes looking at her. So much she couldn't name and so much she could. She hated seeing the slight bags beneath them, evidence of Emma's evenings on parole. Evidence of the evenings she hadn't been lying beside her. Evidence of their time away from each other. No it wasn't about sex. It was intimacy. It was about sharing the little things; things which were just theirs which no one else could intrude upon. Things that because Emma hadn't been around, they'd missed out on.

Regina removed her hand from Emma's hair to rest it upon her cheek. The younger woman turned her face into the hand, before placing a gentle kiss on the palm. The brunette's thumb ran across the nearest side of the fair woman's face, brushing away the fallen tears. Noting they had seemed to have stopped though Emma's breathing still slightly laboured. "Emma?" Regina asked so close she could see the tears clinging to her eyelashes.

"I'm okay. Good tears" the Sheriff said offering a watery smile.

"Good" Regina replied a small chuckle, as she felt Emma move slightly. Assuming Emma was ready for her to remove her fingers, she slowly withdrew them feeling Emma quiver slightly. "Otherwise I'd need some serious ego stroking" she said with a grin.

She saw Emma recognise the double innuendo with a smirk. "I'm pretty sure that could be arranged" Emma boasted moving the thigh Regina was straddling. Regina trembled against the shifting flesh and saw Emma's devilish grin. "My turn" the sheriff breathed; and before Regina could even consider Emma's words she'd been flipped onto her back. Her already sensitive sex twitched at the movement.

A shuddered breath moved across her heated skin as her lover's hand ghosted aimless down her torso. Her shared orgasm hadn't been enough and Emma's teasing way was going to kill her.

Emma's mouth travelled the same path as her dancing fingertips. Starting at the hollow of the brunette throat her tongue and lips caressed every inch of Regina she could. Stopping briefly at the older woman's breasts, Emma gently blew down upon a chest. "Ergh" sounded from Regina's lips as she arched her back, pushed her breasts higher, hoping her lover would take pity on her. She heard Emma's chuckle just as she seized her breast. Regina's hand shot to the back of Emma's head holding her in place. The other woman's tongue swirled around Regina's nipple before taking the whole nub into her mouth with a hard suck, which would probably bruise the soft flesh. As the shot of pleasure surge through her body Regina allowed her eyes to drift close though her body was trying to confused her. She could have sworn the blonde was sucking her clit.

Regina let her cry of surprise and desire ring throughout the room as Emma's fingers penetrated her in one swift motion. Every suck given to her nipple was complimented by a thrust of the saviour hand. Every flick of tongue or nip at the small bud was given with a brush of her clit. Regina could feel Emma's hair strain against her tight grip. The Sheriff met every buck of the brunette's hips perfectly even has Regina's pace quickened.

Emma's firm touch was exactly what she needed. What she craved. God she was going to explode. She was going to scream herself hoarse. The noises sounding from her lips erupted from her chest as her heart pounded at a dangerous speed. Her heart was going to beat out of her chest.

Emma slammed against Regina's core causing her to cry out once again and lose her grip on the mess of blonde hair to her chest. She heard her own whine as Emma released her breast with a gently kiss before travelling further eyes focused to Regina's face. Each deep breath seemed to burn as Regina pulled oxygen into her body. She felt lightheaded. The liquid heat was building in the pit of her stomach just begging for release.

Regina watched as Emma's head lowered as she positioned herself between the older woman's legs. Regina could feel the fair hair tickling her inner thigh as Emma's breaths teased her heated core. The jut of her hips was automatic, pleading Emma to take pity and gain contact from something. The movement enabled the digits buried within in her to deepen. "God" Regina groaned as felt the other woman's twist as she captured her clit. She was giving everything she was to the young woman and knew she'd protect it. Cherish it.

Her hips rose from the bed as Emma sucked upon the small nub. Her mouth hung open unable to make a sound. Her lover's fingers thrust a bruising pace into her folds; curling ever so slightly. She felt the blonde's other hand being placed firmed against her hip trying to halter her frantic movements as she ground herself into the younger woman. Emma was alternating between using her teeth and tongue upon her clit; drawing intangible whimpers, moans and groans from woman beneath her. Soon Emma's hand was not enough to still Regina's hips which were bucking their own rhythm.

She was hanging over the abyss. She was ready to fall if only Emma would give her the final push. It came from one last hard suck of Emma's mouth and twist of her fingers as they managed to find the spot her body was so eager for Emma to find causing her back to arch, hips slam upwards and eyes clamp shut.

The scream that ripped from Regina's lungs was almost terrifying to her own ears. Once again she was thankful they were alone in the house. Emma rode out Regina's orgasm perfectly, gently returning her back to reality; lapping up her juices. Emma's tongue gave one last small swirl which was too much her Regina's over sensitive sex.

A small trail of kisses was placed ever so careful across Regina's body. Her chest heaved with the effect of breathing, but she felt precious. Desired. Wanted. Emma viewed her as something worth protecting. Regina could feel Emma's breath against her face, and felt Emma's digits leave her sensitive centre causing her to jump.

Regina groaned in disappointment at the loss of Emma's fingers, but the blonde's replacing knee would help her return to normality. Sweat coated both of their skin as Emma placed small butterfly kisses across her face, her coaxing fingers gently playing her tousled hair. Regina was content. It was the first time in quite a while she'd felt so at peace.

It took a few minutes for her breathing to even out, and when she finally opened eyes she saw her emerald lover's shining back at her with a lazy grin just for her. "Hey" the blonde whispered brushing the sweaty tresses away from Regina's eyes.

"Hey" Regina whispered back almost scared to break their intimate bubble. The kiss placed on her lips was so soft and gentle the former queen could feel the tug of emotion on her heart. There was no urgency as there had been in all the other kisses they'd shared tonight, there was no expectation or control. There was love, and it made Regina melt. The grin which took hold of the blonde's face was enough to make her knees weak, her heart skip a beat and catch her breathe. This was her favourite bit of her time with Emma. Their moments. Moments that included no one else but them.

She felt Emma start to roll from on top of her. She was momentarily disappointed at the lack of contact when felt herself being pulled along with the Sheriff. They landed more to Emma's side of the bed with a less than elegant "oomph". Regina landed half on top of the blonde; her attempt to move from squashing the younger woman was halted by Emma's strong hold on her.

"Stay" Emma whispered into her hair before placing a kiss upon the top of her head. Regina hadn't particularly wanted to move but at her lover's request she could hardly refuse. Both women sighed slightly as Regina altered herself more snuggly against the naked body next to her; placing a small kiss against the saviour's chest before nestling her head upon it.

A few moments passed and Regina could feel sleep trying to take away from the moment. She wanted the night to last forever. She started drawing mindless shapes upon the soft flesh touching her own, grinning ever so slightly as she felt the muscles in Emma's abdomen jump. "I love you", Emma whispered; her hot breath tingling Regina's scalp.

Even after over a year and half together Regina still felt elated at Emma's words. She loved her. Emma Swan loved her; the once Evil Queen. It was selfless. The other woman required nothing and asked for just as much in return. "I love you too" Regina replied placing yet another small kiss upon the flesh nearest her lips.

Regina felt her eye flutter once more growing annoyed with her own body's betrayal. "But I think you've killed me" Regina stated finishing in a yawn. "Sorry…I'm so tired" the brunette said; the feeling not helped by the talented fingers dancing softly through her hair.

"I'll take it as a compliment then" Emma said Regina could almost the self-assured tone in her voice and couldn't but grin and roll her eyes. "If you're tired go to sleep" the blonde continued, her fingers now gently stroking the top of Regina's back. Her weak spot.

"It's your night" Regina said though even to her own ears the tone was one of a tired drone. A reassured kiss was placed on the top of her head; though the Sheriff's chin remained resting upon it.

"If you're tired go to sleep" Emma repeated.

"If I wake up I will you pay back…or tomorrow" Regina murmured slightly feeling the tug of sleep on her brain and eyes. Fighting it was pointless, sleep was inevitable. The fingers on her back were moving in all the right ways, and the heart beneath her ear was beating out a soothing tune that Regina felt herself drift off to sleep; tucked securely against the woman she loved.

The infuriating beeping of her alarm woke her the next day. Reaching from under the covers she hit the small object with a little more force than was necessary. The annoying noise stopped it's on slaughter on her ears and brain at immediately. Despite Regina no longer holding the position of Mayor she still woken just as early as she always had; if nothing else to ensure the town's Sheriff got to work on time. It took her brain a moment to register her usual waking routine had not included the other sleeping woman's groaning choruses of "It's too early" and her cold feet touching her on some body part to seek warmth; which happened every morning. Emma was not a morning person, and had on many occasion had tried to sneak half an hour longer in their warm bed by pressing herself into Regina in all the right places. Often it worked.

The brunette shifted. A pain which she had only come to associate with her nights with Emma slide across her body; she couldn't help but grin at the feeling. The best kind of pain. Stretching slightly with a groan as the feeling only increased, she reached towards Emma with the hand that had been nestled beneath her pillow. The grasping hand was met by nothing but cold sheets.

Turning over so quickly she heard her neck crack in protest at the moment, Regina saw the bed was empty, almost as if it had been made around her as she slept. Emma never got up before she did. Blowing gently to rid her face of her mess of sleep induced hair; like a gunshot she came faced with reality. Emma wasn't laid beside her. By the lack of heat from Emma's side of the bed, Regina had been alone for several hours.


	4. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down. *Established Swan Queen*

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

**Author** : Calliope-plantain

**Rating:**  M

**Pairing:** Regina/Emma

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

**Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

**Author's Note:** This story is largely based on a dream I had.

**Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she's missed are her fault ;)

" _The next heart you crush will be mine" – 45-Spacer._

Surely Snow hadn't called her this early to go to work. Regina's irritation levels soared once again, much as they had done for the last month, as she ripped the covers from herself. She flinched as the cold air hit her exposed body. Emma had said she would talk to Snow today…Regina hadn't thought she'd meant this early. Had Emma been kept awake with worry over the confrontation with her mother? Regina had slept better than she could remember sleeping in over a month; in what she had believed was Emma's arms.

Thankful for her own engrained organisation skills, she'd prepare the next day's outfit the night before. It ensured the task of getting dressed was a much shorter process than it could have been. Not needing to make sure Henry and Emma were ready this morning made it even easier. The absence of the pair of jeans which had been slung over the back of Regina's vanity chair last night was a stark and sure reminder that her partner had not slept as peaceful as she had the previous evening.

Regina's mad dash around the house came to an abrupt stop once entering the kitchen. The usual mess of Emma's coffee making attempt did not litter the countertops. Which told Regina either the blonde hadn't had coffee which was something Regina had learnt early on their relationship was a bad thing; or Emma had been up long enough to tidy up after herself… which worried the woman even further.

It felt peculiar to be driving through Storybrooke this early in the morning without Henry chatting away to her. Though the town looked much as it had done for thirty years; just itsinhabitants looked slightly older. It had taken a while for the townspeople to get used to Regina and Emma's relationship; on the whole they didn't bother. Occasionally there was an incident but it ended being more about the Saviour being with the Evil Queen, and thankfully those were now very far and in between.

No one seemed to care as she pulled up to the small diner or made her entrance into the establishment. It still surprised her when she saw people greeting her with a smile. Some were forced, some didn't even bother but there were ones like the one Ruby gave her as she made her way over to the counter that were genuine.

"Yours and Emma's usual?" the woman asked before she even reached the small counter. Regina simply nodded moving to sort the correct change needed. So the Sheriff hadn't been in yet, that in itself was an odd occurrence. While Emma tended to favour saving her money on homemade coffee, she did indulge on pastries like bear claws. The blonde's breakfasting habits were beyond Regina's comprehension but if that's what Emma liked, so be it.

Seconds after Ruby moved to get their order Snow appeared next to her looking extremely annoyed…even angry. Just what she needed this early in the morning; an irritating mayoral pixie. "How could you? You put her up to this didn't you", her former stepdaughter barked at her in her most un-Snow White tone possible; one she seemed to reserve just for Regina.

Taking a deep breath to try to ensure she remained as civilised as possible to the mother of the woman she loves; Regina said with a forced smile "I take it you've seen Emma this morning?" The former Queen's tone even to her own ear sounded slightly patronising. She was not going to be shouted at in front of the community by Snow White!

The comment however seemed to anger the other woman further, as her nostrils flared slightly and teeth ground together. If Regina didn't know what a push over Snow was, she would have been slightly intimidated; as it was she'd settle for feeling marginally gleeful. "After everything you've done to me…to my family. How could you do this? How could you use your …'relationship' with my daughter like  _this?_ " the other woman all but spat with disdain and anger. The pixie haired woman had never made secret her dislike at the relationship she shared with Emma, but she had never openly made an issue of mocking it as if it was something to be shameful of.

Snow's voice was louder than was needed, and it instantly flickered a spark of interest in those breakfasting in the small diner. It was clear they expected this confrontation to turn into an epic battle of wills between the Evil Queen and precious Snow White. Regina felt her own anger within her boil. She felt her magic ripple at her fingertips, felt it surge through body making her skin tingle. How dare this woman blame her? Emma was practically working herself to death for this woman and Snow had the indecency to blame her! If it wasn't for Regina, Emma would practically be a walking corpse!

Regina knew goading the woman in front of her was not the way to win this; if there was anything to even be won at this point. But it was that or do some physical harm and she knew that most certainly wasn't going to help matters. The audacity of this damn…princess! Keeping her voice low and dangerously level Regina stated "My relationship with Emma is none of your concern. Your daughter's health on the other hand is. Yes I encouraged her to come and talk to you…what good it did is yet to be seen".

Regina was momentarily worried the liquid within the other woman's mug was about to be unleashed upon her, as Snow's pale skin seem to redden. "What good…You've already stolen 28 years of her life from us! How dare you!" Snow spat, her voice so uncharacteristic of the girl she had once known; and yet every bit of the woman she had become. Regina felt a sharp stab of pain as Snow prodded her straight in the chest. The tone and contact made her skin itch. If it wasn't for Emma and Henry, Regina was sure there would be a singed Snow shaped hole in the wall opposite her.

This woman had ruined her life and yes while it was also her who had enabled Regina to have Emma and Henry in her life, she would never forgive her for the former. Much it seemed, and rightly so that Snow would never forgive or forget her wrong doings too. But this wasn't about that. It wasn't about their past. Why did this woman have to make everything so damn hard!

"This is  _your_  fault, and you  _will_  be held responsible. Emma would never have done this, nor have said the things she did this morning if it wasn't for you. You manipulative…" Snow said with an absolute defiance to her former stepmother, Regina was almost surprised she didn't have a cross bow aimed at her. Snow's inability to finish her insult would have been laughable it if wasn't for her finishing snarled line as she glared directly back at her, "Emma and Henry will realise one day who and what you truly are".

Regina felt her stomach drop; her heart lurched like she'd missed a step going downstairs. Snow had uncovered her darkest, most feared weakness. That one day Emma and their son would stop loving her…and it would be entirely Regina's fault. Snow's face was flushed with anger, though thankfully did not show recognition of the hurt her words had caused on the older woman. Regina saw Ruby move out of the corner of her eye. She saw two cups and box of what she assumed was Emma's bear claws.

The former mayor took a slight breathe before stating in what she hoped was her most regal sounding voice, "Once again you've missed the point.  _Emma's_  wish to come and talk to you today was not about her relationship with me. She wanted to talk to her mother. I foolishly thought you would encourage your daughter's choice. Show compassion. She needs to do this. It is not about you or me. Yet once again however you cannot think about someone other than yourself". She saw Ruby's eyebrows rise in surprise as she snatched her order from the counter; turned on her heel and left before Snow could reply.

Regina could feel her hands shaking. The heat from the coffee was a welcome relief as it penetrated her flesh. It took all her will power not to throw the cups and box onto the passenger seat as she slid into her car. It wasn't a mess she was going to clean up because of that damn woman. Snow knew how to get under her skin and used it every chance she got.

Regina's knuckles turned white with the force she was gripped the steering wheel. If that was how she had spoken and acted towards Regina she dreaded the reception Emma had received. How Snow had the nerve to speak to her in such away she didn't know. Regina fought so damn hard every time she was in that woman's presence. She fought every urge she had, she fought for Emma. She would never make the blonde pick between herself and her parents. She doubted Snow could say the same.

She knew which she would choose. Emma had told her as much. If she had to pick Emma would pick Henry and Regina every time. She knew that; but she also knew what the cost would be to Emma. The Sheriff strove to get her mother's attention and affection. Emma had fought to find her parents for twenty-eight years, and now she'd found them she wouldn't want to let them go. Regina would never force her to. Snow, the woman who had freely admitted in Neverland she had wanted another child, that she was willing to abandon the one she had for her husband; she however would.

What parent would pick that? Regina was the Evil Queen for god sake and if the choice came to it, if she had to pick Emma or Henry…the answer would be Henry every time. She hoped Emma's would be the same. Any Parent would …should put their child first. Yet Snow hadn't. Wouldn't. That was where Emma's unspoken fears came from now. She had to fight for a place in her parents' lives because she felt she was expendable. Just has she had her entire life as she'd been shipped around foster homes and foster parents. On top of everything the fact that Snow was so dismissive of her daughter's feelings made Regina hate her more. The former Queen knew that after Snow's dismissal of Emma's confession of feeling like an orphan in Neverland, Emma wouldn't divulge such secrets again. That was a burden and privilege Regina carried alone.

She needed to see Emma. The blonde's presence always had a calming effect on her. Even being in the same room reassured her. It didn't matter if they were in the middle of full blown argument, seeing Emma, hearing her voice, calmed her. She would have her coffee with the blonde and leave her to do her job. Regina felt the guilt and dread flood her system. Should she tell Emma about her confrontation with her mother? Would it only serve to make Emma feel worse? By the sound of things Emma needed her coffee and sugar fix. Regina needed to comfort her. Based on Snow's account of the early morning conversation Emma needed it too.

The small journey to Sheriff's office was quiet and eventless. The woman driving simply had her thoughts and slowing heart rate as company. Her anger was lulling by each passing moment. The urge to throttle her former stepdaughter was still as present as ever, but it was an impulse she could contain.

Regina was momentarily surprised to see the bright yellow bug wasn't parked outside the small building. She considered for a second simply turning around and going home if Emma was busy but if the start of Emma's day was as bad as hers she needed the hot beverage next to her, and probably the opportunity to rant. So she would wait.

Regina couldn't help but smile at the sound of her own heels tapping on the floor as she entered the building. It was a noise Emma had once admitted had filled her with fear and arousal in equal measure during Regina's days as Mayor. She placed the pastry box down next to some papers that littered the Sheriff's desk, a tell-tale sign that Emma was going to return. Regina briefly hoped that Emma hadn't gone to get her morning fix of coffee before remembering she hadn't seen the yellow bug pass on her way over…and it was not easy to miss. That said Emma would probably love the idea of eating two lots of bear claws. Regina felt her stomach clench and teeth ached at the thought of the sugar content. How Emma kept her figure Regina didn't know.

Regina was pulled out of her thoughts of Emma's figure by a movement out of the corner of her eye. It was the blonde herself looking extremely tired and slightly out of sorts. How much sleep had Emma managed to get the night before? Regina felt the creep of guilt wash over her once again. She had seen how tired Emma was when she'd come home. She would have fought the blonde on getting some sleep, rather than sleeping with her. Okay she could never regret amazing sex with Emma but she did feel a little guilty.

She felt the smile tug on her lips at the look of surprise on Emma's face. It was clear she hadn't expected Regina to be here. The brunette threw her a smirk as she sat on the top of the desk, making sure not to disturb the papers already upon it. "I brought you coffee and those claw things you like since you managed to go without either this morning", Regina said leaning to pass Emma the small cup.

She watched as Emma gave a small shrug but stepped forward taking the beverage. "Thanks. It was kinder intentional but thanks. Didn't want bring anything back up" Emma answered her face one of slight disgust. How could Regina have forgotten in the space of one night? Emma had been putting off early meals and drinks until her stomach had settled all week.

"Sorry…I forgot. I can have it if you want", Regina supplied making a reach for the cup which Emma pulled away from her looking adorably cute.

"No it's okay I'll have it" Emma said with a shy smile. Emma took the seat next to the desk Regina was perched upon. The advantaged view point allowed Regina to see down Emma's tank top; giving her quite the view. With a grin the brunette also noticed the darkened skin on Emma's neck just over her pulse point.

Emma's mind however seemed elsewhere, her fingers mindlessly playing with the rim of her cup. The last week and half had been the worst. Regina had been watching Emma pull away. Watched her become more distant. Had been part of arguments she knew Emma was trying to force upon them. Regina had been stupid to think last night had been a quick fix. That one conversation with Snow would solve all of Emma's problems. The woman before her was a shadow of her former self and physically hurt Regina to watch her love fight whatever demons were raging war inside the blonde's head.

"I'm guessing it didn't go well… with Snow I mean. I saw her at Granny's" Regina said softly.

Emma's head shot up so fast, Regina had to fight the urge to flinch. "What did she say?" she asked her eyes and face so full of worry it made Regina feel sick. No child should fear any form of rejection for their mother. The fact that Regina knew that undiluted fear so well made her heart ache for Emma.

Regina wondered for a moment. Should she lie? She could spare the heartache of Snow's harsh words; but then Snow would probably tell Emma anyway. Her meant well action would be turned upon her and Emma would feel an equal betrayal from Regina too. This way she could comfort Emma. Couldn't she?

Regina took a slightly breath and hoped her voice would hold; and that she would be as strong as she needed to be for the woman she loved. "The usual things. I'm stealing you away from her. I've ruined her life. She thinks I forced you into talking to her" Regina explained as she watched Emma's hands shake. She could see from her perch that the coffee within the mug shook too and if Emma wasn't careful she was going to be covered in the hot liquid.

Emma seemed to deflate before her very eyes. She could feel the emotions rolling off the younger woman; then again with their shared magic it wasn't uncommon. Emma wasn't looking at Regina anymore, more so at the pile of papers next to her.

Seconds seemed drag on as the booming clock overhead counted each one by. Emma's ragged breathing was the only other noise Regina could distinguish. She watched as Emma placed the coffee on the ground next to her chair and reached forward to pull the stack of papers upon the desk towards her. Regina wondered for a moment when Emma's pen started to glide across the paperwork if their conversation had ended. Had she pushed too far? Had hearing Snow's words done more damaged than she had thought they would?

"She wouldn't listen to me", Emma spoke her voice heavy with the burden she'd been carrying for weeks. "She just shouted. Saying I didn't know what I was talking about. And talking about family and how it was more important than anything else. Like I don't know that. Believe me I know that more than anyone" Emma explained her voice barely over a whisper.

"I didn't shout back. I was so damn tempted you know" the blonde said sounding angrier as her explanation went on. Regina had no idea what paperwork Emma was filling in but she was surprised by the force in which the blonde was practically engraving it, that the pen hadn't yet pierced the paper. "She woke David and Henry! She just kept … she just wouldn't…" Emma seemed to be struggling with her words. The force of Emma's anger was actually frightening Regina. It had been a long time since she had seen Emma get so angry over her mother.

"And  _you_ " Emma spat finally looking up and glaring Regina straight in the face. "You told me to go and talk to her. I would have just left … it and she wouldn't hate me now" the Sheriff almost screamed at her. This wasn't just about Snow. It was about her too. What had her former stepdaughter said to her? The anger and hurt in Emma's eyes was so powerful and deep it hurt Regina to even look at her.

"I'm sorry it didn't go well with your mother but you can't take it out on me, I didn't force you to do anything" Regina said trying to calm Emma down. There was no way they could talk about this if this was going to be Emma's frame of mind. When they approached things like this, they would always just scream at one another. They had to talk. Had to communicate but that wasn't going to happen if Emma was just going to scream at her.

"I bet you just loved knowing you had a part in upsetting her", Emma leered; her tone so full of malice knocked Regina sick. This wasn't her Emma.

"What?" Regina asked feeling the rush of confusion. What was happening?

"Come on try and tell me you didn't delight in it. You didn't enjoy it just a little. Watching her getting angry and just knowing you'd helped. Knowing you still know the buttons to press…" Emma's voice carried a sickly glee of disgust. Disgust it seemed was aimed at her, not her mother.

"Maybe …" Regina admitted, flooding with shame instantly. She watched as Emma recoiled from her. Or as much as the chair she was sitting on would allow.

"Can you not get on with each other just for once?" Emma's tone dropped severely to a hiss of despair. The papers Emma was holding for now forgotten were scrunched slightly in Emma's hands.

Regina took a breath. A breath so deep it hurt within her chest. How did Emma not see the effort she put in? This wasn't the first argument over Snow they had had in the time they'd been together. It was however the first time that Emma seemed to almost solely side with her mother. "I think you'll find dear I do. I do it for you and Henry – believe me I try my damned hardest. She makes it near impossible. She kept belittling our relationship" Regina explained watching Emma once again sag beneath her words as if they were crushing her.

Emma looked guilty. Regina watched as Emma's eyes filled with tears, but none fell. Regina licked her lip gently. This couldn't keep happening. She wouldn't let this keep happening. Emma couldn't keep snapping at her like this. Yes she had been right about Regina gloating at Snow's discomfort. That was something which she was wrong about, and should be held responsible for. But Emma had to stop this too. She had to trust Regina. Trust that she would always do what was best, what needed to be done for her family. If that meant biting her tongue with Snow then she would, because those she loved more than anything else needed her to.

"She made her views quite clear to me too. She's not happy "her" Sheriff is … well with you" Emma explained looking momentarily worried for Regina's reaction.

Guilt. Shame. Were Emma and their son ever going to be accepted for loving her? Regina knew she had done some terrible things. Unspeakable things. She knew nothing she did would ever make up for it. Not a damn thing. But she was prepared to try and she would try to make it up to everyone she could. The thought that Snow's disapproval at their relationship was forced upon Emma as well… Regina could take it. She would even say she deserved it…but Emma didn't.

It took her a moment to consider Emma's tone then it hit her so hard in the chest. "Did…She fired you?" Regina said in her calmest voice though her insides boiled.

She knew the answer before Emma spoke; for the blonde lowered her head back to the paperwork, unable to look her in the eye. "No I quit before she could", Emma breathed to the papers balancing on her lap. Emma had quit. She'd quit. She was no longer Sherriff. A mix of relief and shock flooded her system. No wonder Snow had been so angry this morning. Regina most certainly hadn't ever suggested Emma quit her post. Giving up the job however it would ensure Emma would regain her strength and health. She could get another job. Any job would be fine with Regina as long it enable Emma to be home at a reasonable hour and tucked up in bed alongside her at night.

"It would be so much easier if you two could just get on. I could have just talked to her about all of this, but no you pushed…I couldn't prepare" Emma sounded once again not looking up but gave a gesture with the pen jammed into her hand.

"Well I'm sorry that I care for you. I couldn't keep watching you put yourself into an early grave for that woman. So no I take it back, I'm not sorry. I care about you!" Regina retaliated losing the sense of this conversation. Why did Emma always pick fights?

"Maybe you shouldn't!" Emma spat back tears still lingering her dark leaf green eyes.

"What?" Regina said as if it was the most absurd thing she'd ever heard; because it was. She couldn't just turn it off. She cared about Emma. She loved her. More than she thought she would ever love anyone other than her son. Their son!

"I can't…keep doing this. I just want to be happy for once without everything fucking up! And I can't even have that" Emma's frantic tone made Regina's stomach and heart drop. Emma's hand drove itself into its owner's blonde tresses painfully hard.

"Yes you can. Of course you can. We can" Regina rushed desperate to comfort the younger woman as her heart raced in her chest. The shock of Emma's words hit her in waves. Putting her long forgotten coffee down on the desk, Regina stepped down to physically comfort the depressed woman. She halted when she heard the broken woman speak again, "I'm leaving Storybrooke".

The the force of the words knocked her backwards. She felt the desk collide with her back as it took a moment for her to comprehend the now former Sherriff's words. No. She couldn't have said that. She couldn't… she wouldn't… "No…you're not" Regina's voice came out uneven and scared. Her pulse was racing faster than a stampeding bull and yet her brain wouldn't catch it up.

"What's here for me Regina?" Emma's tone of desperation was like a bullet to Regina's speeding heart.

"Henry…Me!" the brunette screamed watching Emma jump in fright. Once again Regina felt her magic surge beneath her skin. She hated the feeling. The feeling of no control. Regina liked order. She liked control. Taking a shaky breath before she continued her voice very inch of sharp emotion she felt inside "I know things have been hard but you can't just give up. We can do this. You, me and Henry forever. You promised me that".

Emma made a noise. It could have been of disbelief or shock. Emma had to learn and had to know that it didn't matter. The past didn't matter. Her goddamn mother didn't matter. Regina would love her. Would be there for her no matter what. She couldn't keep pushing her away!

"I don't understand. Emma what's going on? Just tell me what's wrong. What can I do?" Regina soothed begging the woman to see reason as she watched the hand in Emma's hair tighten even further.

"You can't…do anything" Emma whispered deliberately her tone carrying her defeat. Regina moved to crouch in front of the blonde a hand resting on the jean clad knee. She felt Emma's breath dance across her face as the blonde said with almost equal determination, "Once I'm finished this paperwork, I'm leaving".

"No you're not" Regina's voice carried every bit of a command she did not feel, pushing off the blonde's knee into a standing position.

She was momentarily surprised that the other woman did not fall back with the force Regina had exerted upon her knee. But she watched as Emma's mood changed in a flash of an eye. It was something Regina should be well accustomed to by now having been subjected to it these last few weeks. She was astonished she didn't see a clump of blonde hair in Emma's clenched fist as Emma ripped it away from her scalp."I'm sorry your highness I forgot about your need to control everything! How very sorry I am, I forgot I needed permission to be in charge of my own life, and to make my own decisions" Emma spat making a stand; Regina heels only giving her an inch or so height advantage. Regina heard the papers drift to the floor.

Snow's words were ringing in her ears.  _"Emma and Henry will realise one day who and what you truly are"_. No. No. No! This couldn't be happening. What  _was_ happening? Emma was leaving? Leaving her? This didn't make sense. Last night. Everything was perfect. They were perfect. Snow could not. Would not be right.

"I'm not. I don't want to…Emma please…I don't understand", Regina begged knowing that her tears were falling shamelessly down her face. She wrapped her arms around Emma's shoulders clinging on for dear life; as if life depended on it. Emma couldn't go if she didn't let go of her. Every fibre of Evil Queen was drained from her. She was just Regina. Emma's Regina. She was the young girl cradling Daniel's dead body again. Powerless. Nothing made sense. "What about Henry?" Regina asked her voice squeaked. Henry was her last ditched attempt to make Emma see reason.

She heard Emma swallow heavily before she answered. "He already knows. I told him this morning. Explained a friend needs some help with a job back in Boston and I'd be gone before he came back from school. He was fine with it" Emma explained though Regina could see tears reflecting in her eyes as well.

The brunette felt the rush of hope flood her system. She wasn't leaving…leaving. She was going to come back. She wasn't leaving Regina. Not for good. She took a moment to revel in the warmth of Emma's skin, despite the other woman's reluctance to hold her back. "So you're coming back?" Regina asked hearing her own voice practically skip with delight.

She felt Emma's hand brush her back, almost as if she wanted to return the hold. But instead she felt her other hand pushing her backwards away from Emma. "I don't think so. I don't know" her lover said and for a moment she saw Emma soften. She saw guilt and something else she couldn't name.

"So you gave him false hope?" Regina said her voice cracking into a sob. Henry. The thought of it made her blood boil. Her little boy. The woman before her so readily lied to him…and Henry believed her because that's what Henry does. He believes. "So you're going to abandon him… again?" the brunette spat and saw Emma recoil. She watched as shock and disbelief coloured the former Sheriff's face.

The anger was fuelling her now, but even it wasn't enough. It wasn't strong enough to ignore the look of betrayal in her lover's eyes. Regina didn't believe Emma had abandoned him as a baby. She knew and understood why Emma had given her son up for adoption. She knew it. She felt it. But here Emma was about to walk away from what she herself had claimed was the best time in her life. She was so easily prepared to give up on their relationship and their son's future.

"No. Regina no I'm not abandoning him…God!" Emma replied looking as dumbfounded as Regina felt. She looked hurt and it just added to Regina's feeling of rage and guilt. Anger at Emma. Anger at Snow White…anger at herself! This wasn't supposed to be happening. "I will do right by him. Just as I have been doing since the day he was born. I gave him up because there was  _no_  way I could provide for him. I will always do what is best for him…and right now I am not it. I need time away and I won't be coming back until I know that I am" Emma finished looking every bit of the mother Regina knew she was.

Emma felt she had to do this. But Regina could help her. She didn't need to do this alone. Why was Emma so damn stubborn? She didn't need to do everything by herself. For a moment she considered suggesting Henry stay with his grandparents while she helped Emma get to the place she wanted to be in; but that hadn't gone down well last night or this morning. Regina could feel her anger ebbing to despair and desperation. Emma wanted to do what was best for their son and Regina wouldn't blame her for that. She would just have to settle for blaming her for everything else.

"I know…I'm sorry Emma, I didn't mean that. But you were just going to leave? I didn't deserve being told. I didn't deserve a chance to say goodbye? A chance to stop you. To make you see you didn't need to do this alone" Regina's sobs fell openly now as her hands gestured between them. Villains truly didn't get their happy endings. Greg Mendell had been right after all.

Emma didn't speak but an odd look flickered across her face. An emotion Regina couldn't name; but it made her angry. It made her sad. It made her frustrated and she just wanted to scream. She wanted nothing more than to wake up. This had to be bad dream. She would wake any minute and be wrapped in Emma's warm embrace and listen to her soothing words just as she always did when Regina suffered from bad dreams. She was going to wake up; it was nothing but a dream.

"Have I not earned that at least?" Regina said feeling her chest starting to ache as her sobs caught within it.

"I didn't want to hurt you" Emma whispered looking so damn sorry it made the ache worse. Regina could see it. Could see in her love's face she didn't want to hurt Regina and yet it was the very thing…the only thing she was achieving.

"Hurt me… you didn't want to hurt me" the brunette's tone carried the disbelief she felt and she saw Emma shudder at the force of it. "What exactly dear did you think leaving without an explanation…Leaving without saying  _anything_  was going to do?", she continued watching Emma become smaller again. Regina wasn't meant to be the one to make her feel small. She was meant to make her feel invincible. "Right I'm just the evil queen … I have no emotions. Right?" the finished her voice cracking; because there is was. The elephant in the room.

Emma looked genuinely hurt. "I never said that Regina" she whispered as she moved forward to take Regina's hand.

"No…you're just leaving me" the former Queen said. It was a statement not a question. She felt Emma's fingers against her own, the only comfort she had. The only anchor to the world around them was clasped within her hand. Regina pleaded Emma with her eyes. Begged her to say no. To reconsider. To tell her she was staying and screw everything else.

But the reassurance never came. Instead Emma's whispered cry said "Yes I am".

The heartbroken noise fall from Regina lips so forcefully it hurt her chest. It hurt. She turned around seeing the empty cell, ripping her hand away from Emma's. She would not accept the comfort. She would not accept this reality. This can't be happening. They were happy. That damn Snow White…was ruining everything yet again. They were happy goddamn it!

Her hands covered her face as her tears fell and sobs rang out. The world around her seemed to blur and come to screeching stop. This was what they had been racing towards for weeks. The arguments, the fights. The tears and heartaches. They had been getting to this point faster and faster, Regina had known it was coming and fought so hard to stop it and yet here she was. Standing in the middle of carnage without a clue of how she got here or how to get out. She had been stripped of all defences. She'd let Emma in. Emma had promised her forever effortlessly and was ripping it away from her with just as much ease.

"Why?" Regina screamed crashing her hands down on top of the desk with none of the regal grace she knew she possessed. She revelled in the sharp physical pain in both of her palms. "Why?" she repeated with a cry. When no answer came, she turned to see Emma was still standing behind her, unmoving. "I need…I'll do anything. Please" Regina pleaded. She was no longer above begging the saviour. "I'll change. I want to. I do because I love you so damn much" Regina said fighting the urge to just crumple upon the floor at Emma's feet.

She saw the tears swimming in her lovers eyes. Watched as they slid shut and single tear fell. "You shouldn't. You shouldn't change and I don't want you to. You most certainly shouldn't love me" Emma whispered so quietly Regina would have had to strain to hear it if the silence around was them crushing them. She felt the anger surge within her yet again. Why did Emma not understand?

"I wasn't aware I had a choice in that" Regina cried. Closed fist hit Emma square in the chest pushing her backward. Regina heard Emma's previously occupied seat scrap upon the ground. Emma caught Regina's wrists effortlessly. "I love you", Regina said with determination. She would make Emma understand. "I tried to stop remember. It didn't work. Please Emma. Please stay…please" the former Mayor begged once again.

"I can't", Emma breathed her forehead now coming to rest upon her own. Regina could see the tears clinging to her lashes. It wasn't hard. Of course she could. She had to. Regina needed her to.

"Yes you can. You can stay and you can fight", the brunette reassured; feeling the hope she so desperately needed Emma to feel. "Tell me … tell me you don't love me and I'll let you walk out of that door. But if you can't then I will fight", Regina promised feeling determination pulse through her veins. "I want to fight for you Emma. I will talk to Snow. I will try harder with her. I know I let the past get in the way, but I'm better, I promise. I'll get even better. Please Emma I need you. I need you. Stay, please?" Regina rushed feeling her smile creep into her face. She so desperately wanted to kiss the lips she could see were quivering.

"I don't", Emma breathed.

Regina felt her heart sink lower than the hands Emma had let go of. It was just a simple unfinished sentence. Regina urged her on with her eyes. Emma was going to wake her from this nightmare as she always did. Emma would always catch Regina before she fell.

"I don't love you", Emma whispered. All that could be heard in the silent office was Regina's heart break. Emma was looking her dead in the eye now. This wasn't possible. How…was this possible? "I'm sorry" the blonde continued emotion cracking at her voice. When the other woman turned Regina wanted to move, to make her stop but her body wouldn't follow her brain's command. It wouldn't even reach forward and take the younger woman's hand. This had to be a joke. A cruel joke. Regina watched through her tear blurred vision as the woman she believed was her true love walk away. Looking down she saw Emma's handwriting naming Ruby as Storybrooke's new, permanent Sheriff.


	5. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down. *Established Swan Queen*

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

 **Author** : Calliope-plantain

 **Rating:**  M

 **Pairing:** Regina/Emma

 **Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

 **Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

 **Author's Note:** Sorry for the delay. I was away last weekend and had an interview to prepare for (which I didn't get). Hope this chapter makes up for the wait.

 **Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she's missed are her fault ;)

" _The next heart you crush will be mine" – 45-Spacer._

Just over three months after that fatal day Regina found herself in her newly made Haven. Over the years she had become accustomed to making homemade meals for her and her son. They occasionally indulged as a treat, had their evening meals at Granny's. During her time with Emma these trips out had become more frequent. Emma was always willing to show off their relationship with the town and often went that little further to make those small family nights out that little extra special. This place was the only Emma solid place where Regina felt she could stand the absent blonde's presence.

It felt odd to enter the dinner with Henry and no longer feel the community's stares upon them. It seemed they had lost interest in whether the former Queen would break down or their son would become unstable in the absence of his other mother. There had been one set of eyes on them as they had entered though. The same pair which it seemed had been watching her every waking movement for months now. Snow White's.

Regina had ensured to keep the relationship open between Henry and his birthmother's parents. While at times both parties' dislike and disdain for the other was painstakingly obvious, both…for the most part bite their tongue and were civil for the sake of the young teen. Regina nor Snow however could say they had remained completely civil when the young boy was not around. Snow on more than one occasion had sought out her former step-mother to share her views and feelings on the matter of Emma leaving town; and how it was entirely her fault. Regina now tried when possible to have Henry with her when these little visits could occur.

Snow had watched them enter, walk to their seats and order their meal. Time as Queen had taught her to watch those around her, while being undetected. Their audience's attention had been pulled away from their show by her phone ringing. The look on the face of the other woman told her, it was Emma who was on the other end. This cut through Regina like a knife through butter. It took all her willpower even after three months of no contact, not to walk over to the other woman and rip the device out of her hand. Regina wasn't sure however if she'd scream at Emma or crush the cell into a million pieces; so she'd just enjoy her meal with her son.

Frequently sparing a glance in Snow's direction, she was thankful their meal came quickly and mercifully Henry ate his food speedily though quietly. She was surprised at Henry's lack of conversation though since he was meant to be going to his grandparents' later she supposed it meant he would return in the morning full of stories.

Just before she and Henry left she saw Snow rise from her seat and gave her a meaningful look. It even seemed the pixie haired woman wanted to come over to talk to her. There was no way Regina was going to give the people of Storybrooke yet another chance to see Snow try and put her in place, and it most certainly wasn't going to happen in front of her son.

Regina placed money on the table before telling Henry they were going home. The drive was almost silent. It was calming. It was hard to believe it was coming up to July. The last year had gone too fast. Both the good and the bad. Though the worst seemed to drag on. It was harder still to believe it had been just over three months since Emma had walked out of her life.

Upon reaching their house Henry had jumped out of the car and rushed to get his bag ready. Why he hadn't gotten it ready before their trip to the diner she didn't know. The exchange would have been better in the public forum. But it would have meant she would have to talk to Snow. However as it turned out several hours after their return home, it had been Charming who had come to get Henry. Apparently Snow had sent him round on his way home, claiming to be too busy to pick up Henry.

Regina had bite back the remark she had felt rise within her. Snow had been too busy to pick up her own grandson. Maybe she was too busy to have him spend the night as well. But she could not do that to her son. Henry got excited about the time he spent with Snow and Charming. So she hadn't said a word.

It still surprised her that apart from the odd dirty look in the first few weeks after Emma's departure from the town, Charming had been completely civil with her. Unlike his wife, Charming had never shown dislike or discomfort in their relationship. She had often wondered if Emma had spoken to her father about it. She however had seen the same feeling of betrayal in the man's eyes she often felt at one of Henry's recalls of Snow's phone calls from Emma. It was clear it was a privilege Emma only divulged with her mother. Not once had Emma made contact with Regina. Not through letters, email not even a phone call. Unless you counted what Regina assumed was a miss dial or an accident.

Though the many stories Henry came home with after his days at his grandparents suggested the blonde contacted Snow multiple times a week. It had surprised her to see that Henry did not seem angry with his birthmother for leaving; more of a surprise was that he didn't seem to blame Regina for it either. Maybe it was Henry's still childlike qualities which made him believe Emma might one day return to Storybrooke. Despite Emma's indefinite answer of when she would return Regina suspected the former Sheriff never would. If she did Regina knew things in the small town, in her own home would never be the same again.

Regina understood now how divorced parents must feel. Henry frequently talked about his other mother. The times they had spent together just them; as a family. The good. The bad. Also with Henry's stories of Emma's latest act of heroism or work related injury Regina could almost feel the blonde's presence. The stories had such detail that Regina had often found herself dreaming about them. Though Henry remained adamant he never spoke to the missing woman, only retelling the tales Snow told him. Henry's storytelling was not helped by the fact that every place Regina went in the small town seemed to be tainted in Emma's memory and her lingering presence seemed to hang over the place like an unseen ghost.

* * *

" _Hey" Emma said coming to stand beside her in her spot of refuge in front of the merry diner. Everyone was so happy they were back. Five days. That was all that had passed since their departure. She had known of course Neverland ran on a different clock to other worlds but the weeks they had spent on that island had been the equivalent of five days. Just five! It seemed impossible and yet here they were._

_She turned her head slightly to see Emma wearing a coat she was pretty sure didn't belong to her. It was thicker than was necessary in Storybrooke in July; though if she was honest with herself the air did hold a slight chill. The temperature difference between their small town and Neverland was quite astonishing._

_She noticed Emma was holding a cup and by the smell of it, it held coffee. She was momentarily surprised when the blonde held it out to her. Emma had brought her coffee. She took it with a tight smile. She had come out for quiet. For a moment's pause in the craziness that had occurred in the last few hours alone. Though she did not mind the other woman's presence next to her._

" _It's too loud in there. Henry is telling anyone who will listen what happened in Neverland. I think he likes being in the centre of one of his stories for a change" Emma explained as she gazed across the road almost absentmindedly much as Regina had been doing only minutes before._

" _I highly suspect your right" Regina replied taking a gulp of the hot liquid more for something to do than any need for fluid. She instantly regretted the action as she felt the coffee burn its way down. "Hot" the brunette explained at the puzzled look on the other woman's face. "Yes Regina hot coffee is usually hot", Regina reprimanded herself silently at her own stupidity._

_Emma gave her a small grin before nodding though her amusement was clearly evident._

" _I came out here for my own peace and quiet. As you say it's too loud" Regina explained and saw Emma's face drop. She then watched as Emma's face blushed deeply._

" _Urgh…sorry I'll leave you to it" Emma said in a tone of clear embarrassment as she turned to leave._

_Though Regina found she did not want to be alone. She had grown quite fond of the blonde's company. She'd become accustomed to it. That was all. She'd become used to having the younger woman around. Though even to her own surprise she called after her "No. It's okay Emma. I don't mind"._

_She saw the smile. It was genuine and sincere and made her dark eyes sparkle. It took her a moment to realise she'd called the other woman by her name, not title. There was little point anymore. Emma was her name and she had been calling her it while in Neverland. It was idiotic to pretend things hadn't changed between them._

" _Okay" was Emma's only reply as she came to stand next to Regina, before silence fell between them once again. Neither spoke. The obnoxiously loud voices and laughter behind them from the small diner were hushed but little else._

_Emma moved and when Regina turned she saw she was now leaning back against the building. "Who's coat is that?" was the brunette's only question._

_Emma looked down at the garment as if noticing for the first time it wasn't her own. "Ruby's" the Sheriff replied. It was difficult to believe Ruby owned something which covered so much. However Ruby was a good few inches taller than the blonde, but not tall enough to explain the amount of skin Emma wasn't showing._

_Regina took a moment to consider that thought. She was disappointed that Emma wasn't showing more skin. She knew she was attracted to Emma. She could admit to herself if nothing else she'd known for a while. It hadn't mattered though. She was the saviour. Snow White's daughter. She was her enemy. Regina however had seen how hard Emma had fought for her son. Their son. Calling Henry their son was almost second nature now. Regina had never thought she'd share her son with anyone and yet here she was, doing just that. ._

_Things had changed. She placed her small cup on the table nearest them and noted Emma's look of confusion. Regina wasn't sure how much time had passed since she'd last spoke but it was clear by the look on the saviour's face it had been a while._

" _Regina?" Emma asked attentively. Regina took a moment. She considered what she was about to do. She shouldn't be thinking about it, never mind actually considering doing it. But she had to. They had saved Henry. At times she had doubted they would even see him again, never mind escape that horrible place. She had seen Emma's depression and anguish has they fought to get Henry's heart back from Pan. She had seen it and understood it because it was just like hers. It was that of a parent._

_Regina leant in and heard Emma's gasp. Whether it was from the sensation or surprise Regina didn't know. All she knew was that the other woman did not push her away or show any sign of objection. Emma was simply staring back at her. Her eyes seemed darker than usual. Despite the layers between them Regina could still feel the heat radiating from the younger woman. Regina was flush against her frame._

_She saw Emma's gaze drift to her lips and found herself licking her top lip; and watching as Emma's eyes darkened further. She could just lean slightly forward and they'd be kissing. She'd be a fool to deny she hadn't thought about it. She'd thought about it so many times over the last few months. God even the night Emma had brought Henry home, Regina knew she found her son's birthmother attractive._

_Suddenly they were kissing. Who moved to break the distance she wasn't sure. She didn't care. The soft lips against her own her like nothing she could have imagined. Emma's usual crass mouth felt amazing against hers. Regina pushed herself further still in Emma's body and heard the small moan of pleasure as she nearly ground her into the wall behind her._

_The kiss was heated, quick and passionate. It was full of the pent up emotions and energy both women had been holding onto for so long. Long before Neverland. As lips, teeth and tongues collided over and over Regina felt she'd found her oasis. The way Emma's hands roamed her back trying to gain that much more pressure and contact made her brain blur around the edges. She was kissing Emma._

_She was kissing Emma Swan. She was kissing the mother of her son and the daughter of her most hatred enemy. She was kissing her and she, Regina had initiated it. She pulled back panting slightly, noting Emma was too. She saw the lazy grin the other woman shot her; and watched it fall as she pulled away completely._

" _Regina?" Emma asked breathlessly; clearly as confused as Regina felt, though for completely different reasons._

* * *

" _Fine" Regina said only slightly grudgingly. Emma's eyebrows lowered in confusion, her spoon which had just previously held cereal now stuck out from her lips. Emma was sitting at the small breakfast bar in her mother's kitchen and was oblivious to the internal monologue Regina had been carrying on with herself on the drive over to pick Henry up._

" _What?" Emma asked placing her spoon back in the bowl with a loud clatter. It wasn't the Sheriff's fault she was coming into the conversation half the way through. Regina could hear Henry moving around the room he was currently sharing with his father. Two weeks back from Neverland and Neal was still hanging around. Henry adored his father and seemed to be enjoying his company and attention; but Regina didn't. She couldn't help but wait for him to leave Henry, just as he'd abandoned the woman in front of her._

_The brunette took a small but steady breath before she spoke again. "I'll go out with you" Regina said reluctantly in low voice so it didn't carry up to the room above. She saw Emma's smile form and turn into a full pledge beam._

_Since their kiss outside Granny's Emma had asked Regina out on a "date" every time she had seen her…and Regina had refused. She was not a teenage girl. But every time the younger woman had asked Regina felt her resolve lessen. She knew now what Emma's body felt like pressed against her own and the taste of her lips. She knew now and couldn't forget. That memory was engrained and had made frequent visits to her in the sleeping hours._

_She saw the smug grin the other woman shot her as another loaded spoonful of cereal was place into Emma's mouth. The one time Emma had not asked her was the one time she had accepted. She'd just admitted to thinking about Emma's request more than she had been denying it for the last two weeks. Maybe she was a bit like a young woman with a crush. A teen in love._

_That thought hurt a little more than she had expected. She didn't love Emma. She was attracted to her; she'd known that for a long time. But the idea of love. The possibility of being in love with Emma…that scared her. She couldn't help the thought of Daniel. The last person she's allowed herself to love. It could not end the same way with Emma. She wouldn't let it._

" _It will be at my house" Regina stated noting the look of smugness did not shift from the saviour's face. She was not ready for their relationship whatever this was or could be to public knowledge just yet. The longer the better in fact._

" _Okay" Emma said back, clearly not caring about the venue. The blonde had already sussed Regina's reluctance of a public relationship over a week ago; making promises that if she agreed they could be as discreet as she needed. Regina hadn't admitted the blonde was right, but the look on Emma's face told her, she understood._

" _And I will cook. Don't want you give us both food poisoning" Regina added noting Emma's frown as another spoonful was placed slightly more forcefully than was needed in her mouth._

_Before Emma could reply Henry bellowed down the small stairs, "Emma…I need your help! I think I just broke dad's nose"._

* * *

_Her breathing was rapid. So rapid it was burning her throat at the force at which her body was trying to get the air into her lungs. Her skin tingled and she felt flushed. She felt on fire and it had nothing to do with magic. It was because of the woman laid half on top of her. It felt incredible beneath Emma's weight. Hearing Emma's quickened breathing next to her ear and feeling the pounding heart near her own; felt incredible._

_Emma made to move but Regina grabbed her arm. "Stay" she asked and watched Emma smile with an air of disbelief._

" _I'm squashing you" the Sheriff replied matter-of-factly a tight grin plastered on her beautiful face._

" _No you're not. Stay" Regina stated with a plea._

_Emma huffed gently but settled down back on top of Regina's small frame. Her head tucked beneath her chin. Emma's hair was tickling her face. Nothing more was heard as their breathing levelled, in Emma's case so levelled out Regina assumed she'd fallen asleep. Regina's hand traced mindless patterns against the blonde's fair skin. It felt good and right with Emma so close. She felt as if Emma belonged pressed against her. Their bodies fit perfectly like a completed jigsaw._

_She was pulled out of her thoughts when the woman on her shifted slightly. She heard in Emma's voice her submission to the pull of sleep as the blonde whispered into her shoulder, "Love you". Regina felt her breath hitch and heart skip a beat. What had Emma just said? She loved her. Emma had said she loved her. Three months together and Emma had said she loved her. Regina realised her hand had stopped its dance upon Emma's back and quickly resumed its ministrations before Emma could notice the hiccup. Though based on the blonde's breathing against Regina's bare chest the other woman had finally fallen asleep._

_Emma loved her. Regina knew she loved Emma. She'd known it for a while. She felt the emotion from deep within and it scared her. She was scared of losing Emma, losing whatever this was that they had been sharing. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't tried to stop her feelings from developing. She tried her hardest not to love the woman tucked against her. People she loved only got hurt. She couldn't love Emma; and yet she could do little else._

* * *

_Her heels were not suitable for the sand beneath their feet. The cold salt air nipped at her face; thankful her hands were tucked safely into her coat pockets. She'd let Emma pick their evening out. Only the blonde would pick an evening stroll on the beach in December. No one else was around because no one else was such an idiot to walk on the beach in almost minus temperatures. No one around also meant no one would her arm linked with the woman's next to her._

_Their relationship had been made public just under two months ago but Regina still felt uneasy with public displays of affection. Her relationship with Emma was theirs. It had surprised her how affectionate Emma was. Whether it be notes where she knew Regina would find them, her favourite flowers being delivered to her at unexpected times. The people of Storybrooke had guessed Regina was being romanced by someone; their secret was revealed at Granny's when Emma couldn't help herself._

_She wasn't angry with Emma who was chatting away about her time spent with Henry that day. Regina had known their relationship would be found out eventually but she had enjoyed the secretiveness, it made it special. Though there were times she couldn't help but consider how her relationship with Daniel had been. It had been full of secrets and stolen kisses. Only her mother wasn't around to destroy it. But Emma's was._

_Snow had not taken well to the news. Once they realised people knew Emma had told Regina she had to tell Snow. She knew Emma was right. They had officially told Henry who didn't seem to mind. The second was Snow. Emma had said it was something she should do alone. Which was probably for the best. According to Emma she'd never seen someone go so pale which was quite a feat considering her former stepdaughter's fair complexion._

_Emma came to a stop in the middle of the abandoned beach. It was only then Regina really noticed the stars flickering above them. They were beautiful. The last few days Snow had threatened to fall, often falling for a few hours at a time. These spells however had allowed the skies to clear. The night sky looked almost like those in The Enchanted Forest so long ago. The moon was full in the sky casting them in an almost magical light._

_Regina shivered and not for the first time since they started their walk. She heard Emma's light chuckle as she pulled her linked arm away. The brunette went to object at the change but a gasp fell from her mouth instead. Emma had pressed her full length into Regina's back. Her arms enveloped her, strong hands slid across her stomach pulling her in. The difference in temperate change was instant. Emma's heat radiated through their clothes engulfing her. Emma's chin came to rest upon her shoulder; her breath tickling her cheek._

_It felt incredible. To be held as if she was precious, something that needed to be protected. Emma's hold tightened further still and it made Regina's head spin. She'd fought so long to be happy; and here Emma was. She'd fought their time together so far. She couldn't fall in love. Villains didn't get their happy endings. Yet here Emma was. Ready to give herself so completely. Emma had already said she loved Regina, several times since her first confession a month ago and it made her heart pound at the words…at the thought. She was loveable. Someone loved her._

_The moon shone across the slightly lapping waves. The sea reflected its rays almost perfectly. The stars twinkled above them; Emma's embrace warming her body, heart and soul. This was her happy ending. This was what she's been looking for. She'd spent her life fighting the endless wars in her world and had fled fighting the demons of her past only to end up in arms of her … true love. It hit her so hard it made her feel momentarily giddy. She'd fought Emma for so long despite knowing she loved her. When she had realised her feelings towards the blonde had developed into love she didn't know, but she couldn't…wouldn't keep fighting it._

" _I love you" Regina whispered her voice seemed to be carried on the frozen air around them._

" _I know" Emma replied straight into her ear, her tone carrying a hint of smugness._

_Regina couldn't help the annoyed huffed that fell from her lips. "Really dear I say I love you and that's your response" the former Queen quipped. She wouldn't show it but Emma's blasé reply did hurt a little._

_Emma placed a gentle kiss at the crux of Regina's neck with a mumbled apology. The gesture as it always did caused the brunette to shiver; one that had nothing to do with the chilled air around them. "It means more than I can ever say to hear you say it but you've been telling me every day for months now. With your actions…and gestures. I know you love me. I love you too" Emma's whisper felt like soothing balm against her anxious heart. Emma's declaration made it jump within her chest._

_Regina grinned. She really grinned and it hurt her frozen cheeks but she didn't care. She turned in Emma's arms and placed a kiss upon the other woman's lips. They felt warm as they moved beneath her own. "God I love you" Emma whispered softly with a small laugh; her eyes seemed to sparkle in the moonlight. Wrapped in the arms of the woman she loved and who loved her back, standing on a freezing cold beach in completely unsuitable footwear Regina knew she'd found her happy ending._

* * *

_Upon entering the house she heard music and Henry's loud voice carry down the stairs. "You totally did. You cheated!" Henry said far too loudly. There was no way he would have shouted so loudly if he knew Regina was home. It hardly surprised her that their son was home; neither did it surprise her to then hear Emma replying back. Based on the tone and loudness of both she shared her life with, they were playing some game. Regina slipped her shoes off to ensure neither heard her coming and was thankful the stairs beneath her weight did not creak. Following the noise told her they were in Henry's bedroom._

_Both Emma and Henry seemed to be engrossed in the game they were playing. It was funny seeing the exact same look of concentration on their faces. There had been times in the first year of Emma's stay in Storybrooke where Regina internally denied any resemblance between Henry and his birth mother. There was none; any was mere consequence. But looking at them interact, the more time she spent with Emma the more she saw. They had the same mannerisms, the same laugh though the pitch differed. There was no denying it now, and Regina loved it._

_There was no way Emma should be home now; she still had at least an hour left at the station. Even when they practically lived under the same roof Henry managed to steal his mother's attention away from her job. Regina grinned as she saw Emma mouthing along to whatever was playing on the docking station. It was some song about love and grinned tighter when she saw Emma shift her shoulder to a particular heavy beat of the music. The only dance move she was able to do while still playing the game. Regina moved slightly to see what game they were playing when she saw Emma grin. It took her a moment to realise she'd been caught; though Emma's gaze never shifted from the screen._

_It was then Henry's turn to notice her standing in the doorway. He however did turn his head. "Hey!" Emma shouted in irritation as the teen paused their game. "Sore loser" Emma shot at him with a fond annoyance only a parent could pull off as he clambered over the top of her._

" _Sorry… I need a drink" Henry stated as if it was obvious. Though Regina could see from boy's score he was clearly losing. It was only when Henry reached the doorway his older mother was leaning against did he turn and asked Emma "Do you want one?"_

" _I'm pretty sure Emma is meant to be at work" Regina answered for her girlfriend and watched Emma roll her eyes._

_Regina bite back a grin as Henry rolled his eyes in the exact same way before stomping passed her, yet another trait he'd gained from Emma._

" _His school rang, said he wasn't well and asked me to pick him" Emma explained shifting on the bed she laid on. She was surprised Emma hadn't called her, not because she needed to but Emma often felt it necessary to check almost everything with Regina when it came to their son. At first it had felt odd because in the months prior to their relationship Emma hadn't cared whether Regina approved of anything they did together. She soon realised it was because Emma was scared of doing something wrong. It warmed her that after six months of Emma tip toeing around Regina and her own mothering role in Henry's life that the blonde was finally okay with making decisions and knew Regina would be okay with them._

" _He seems okay now" Regina said with a quip and watched Emma smile with a shake of her head, as the brunette fully entered the room. Henry often as a child could be nearing death's door at school, once Regina got him home he'd be bouncing off the walls. Though more often than not, he did crash. Something she supposed they would have to watch for._

" _Hmmm…if you want me to go back to work I can" Emma said her tone carrying a hint of smugness. She knew what Regina's answer would be as she sat next to the now sitting blonde._

" _No… I'm happy with you here… but you are a push over dear" Regina hushed so Henry wouldn't hear. Why she bothered she didn't know. From the moment Emma had stepping into Storybrooke that child had his birth mother wrapped around his little finger; and he knew it._

" _So you keep telling me", Emma said with a tone of exaggeration and boredom. A tone that did not work when accompanied with a laugh and jut of Emma's eyebrow._

" _Move in with us?" Regina asked. To say Regina was surprised she had asked as understatement. It was completely out of nowhere. Well no, it was something she'd wanted to ask for a while but never found the right moment; but coming home to hear Emma and Henry's laughing and ridiculously loud voices was something she never wanted to end. She felt like she finally had a home when she walked into this house and could hear them doing whatever they were doing. She looked forward to seeing them and often felt disappointed when Emma wasn't there. She felt at home at last, the nights Emma stayed over and felt something was missing the nights she didn't._

_She saw the Sherriff's eyes widen in shock. "What?" Emma asked incredulously. Regina felt her anxiety levels soar. It was too soon. Emma wasn't ready. She shouldn't have asked._

" _I mean if you want to… you're always here and then you need to leave. If you want to keep staying with your mother I understand…" Regina said trying to backtrack as much as she could. Trying to make it sound more like a suggestion rather than the very thing she wanted. It was nothing if Emma declined, it wouldn't break her heart._

" _Yes" Emma said cutting of her ramblings._

" _Yes?" Regina said pretty sure she was hearing things and her wishful thinking was getting the better of her._

" _Yes I want to live with you…both of you" Emma explained looking a little uncertain herself, still clearly a little thrown by the question._

" _Really?" Regina said trying for scepticism though failing miserably as her own delight shone through her tone._

" _Yeah", her lover answered softly with a grin, looking more and more sure and assertive by the second. Regina felt overwhelmed. Her heart skipped a beat at the grin and absolute certainty beaming from Emma's face. She was moving in with them. She was actually coming to live with her and Henry. The former queen leant forward capturing the grinning lips and felt them respond instantly to hers. The kiss was simple and unrushed. It was soft but promising._

" _I can hear you kissing you know" Henry's booming voice travelled through the house. She heard Emma's snort of laughter before she buried her head in the crux of Regina shoulder in what Regina assumed was embarrassment. Yeah this was where she was always meant to be._

* * *

_Their first anniversary. She thought first because she knew they'd have more. She knew that now. Their first of many. Emma had wined and dined her. Emma had paid with her own money not their joined account. She had said she wanted Regina to feel special. She'd achieved just that._

_After their meal they'd gone for a walk and somehow has they often did these days found themselves walking along the beach. Regina had taken off her shoes and carried them feeling the hot sand in between her toes. Unlike their first visit down here over eight months ago the wind was warm against her skin. It was hard to believe a year had passed. It felt like no time had passed and yet she felt as if she'd been at Emma's side forever._

_She couldn't remember now what Emma had said, but something had sparked a thought of Daniel. A year together. Emma deserved to hear their story. The blonde knew the facts or most of them from Henry's book but she did not know it all. She did not know of the pain and anguish her fiancée's death had caused. She did not know of the struggles Regina had gone through daily at his loss. She didn't know, and so Regina shared it all._

_Their brief walk had ended up being hours along as they'd sat on the sun-heated sand. The waves had lapped gently as Emma had comforted her as she'd cried and kept her distance when it was needed. It astonished Regina that the woman knew her so well. Emma knew what Regina needed and when she needed it. Furthermore she had listened. No one had been good enough, special enough to hear her and Daniel's story. Regina however also realised that no one had cared enough to listen._

_Emma had listened as Regina told of their meeting, falling in love and their plans to run away. She'd listened as she explained about their secret relationship and terror at being caught by her mother. She'd listened and even shed a few of her own tears as she held Regina extra tight as she recited Daniel's death and days that followed. She's listened with understanding in her eyes that Regina did not deserve as she explained her deeds as the named "Evil Queen". Regina did not go into detail but explained her thoughts and emotions as she transformed into the villain in their son's book. She explained, not justified; and Emma understood and listened._

_Emma understood the gift and trust being given to her. She understood it and protected it. Emma had promised this night would make her feel special and Emma had done just that without even trying._

_Regina had grabbed the blonde's hand pulling her upwards and dragging her along behind her after she explained of Whale's attempt to revive Daniel in this world. Much like the attempt in their world, this one had failed too but with even more dire consequences._

_Regina had driven faster than she remembered ever driving before. She wanted…no needed to share it all with the blonde whose hand was clutching her thigh in reassurance. Emma had not spoken since they'd entered the car but Regina could feel her gaze upon her. Regina hadn't looked across at the blonde knowing her resolve would break. She needed to do this._

_Pulling up at the stables she felt her heart sink a little at the sight of it and heard Emma's small gasp of recognition. She left the car without looking back. No need to lock the car there wasn't anyone around._

" _You don't need to do this you know" Emma said almost running after her. Yes they did. She needed this. She needed to share this and this place with her partner. As soon as she opened the door the smell hit her. The smell of hay, straw and the distinct smell of horses. The smell of her past. Emma collided with her back, and it was only then she realised her erupt halt._

_She was standing in the very place she'd been avoiding for all those years. She'd only entered it over a year ago to stop her son from being hurt. Hurt by the man she'd loved. Henry over the years had begged to go horse riding and she'd said no. Repeatedly. She couldn't keep running from this place._

_She felt Emma's arm wrap itself around her middle and felt momentarily guilty. Daniel died here; and here she was in the arms of someone else. But Daniel's last words wash over her. "He told me love again" Regina whispered knowing the woman so close to her would hear it. Much as she had done when Regina said the same words on the beach, Emma gripped at Regina's middle that little bit tighter._

" _Promise you won't leave me" Regina breathed and felt a tear fall as she stared at the very spot she'd last seen Daniel._

" _I promise" Emma reassured gently, resting her chin on Regina's shoulder._

" _You shouldn't make promises you can't keep" Regina replied sadly._

_She heard the slight huff from the other woman but her grip on her did not loosen as she said "You're right. But I can promise to be here, with you for as long as I have a say in it. I'm not going anywhere for a very long time. That I can promise"._

* * *

_Pain shot through her arm as she collided with the door frame. Stupid Christmas Day! She felt Emma bodily move her away from the hard wooden frame, and guide her into their house with deliberate care. She kicked her shoes off not caring where they landed before stalking her way through the house feeling the ground beneath her feet spin._

_She heard Emma's huff as she followed in her wake. It was only in the kitchen the brunette turned on the light which made her eyes sting. It was like a sharp stab to each eye and she heard her low groan of pain. Why had she drank so much? She felt Emma's hand on her arm, and the gentle pull upon it. She resisted the urge to pull the limb away but Emma's persistence was stronger than her will to pull away._

_She let herself be led into the dark study where Emma pushed her onto one of the sofas before moving behind her. The light from the lamp behind her was much kinder on the eyes through even the small amount of light it was emitting stung her eyes a little. Emma didn't even look back as she left the room but Regina could hear her moving around the kitchen._

_When she returned Emma was carrying a small glass tumbler of water which was thrust upon on with a slight glare. Regina hadn't meant to drink so much. She had just needed something to get her through Christmas dinner with the Charmings and Neal. She had taken a small hip flask with whisky in to drink if and when she felt it was necessary. The hours in the Charming's household had proven it was necessary._

_She let out another groan though this one was of pleasure as the cold water soothed her throat. She knew even now she was going to have a hangover come morning. Despite her clear annoyance at Regina's state Emma still moved to sit beside her and brushed a piece of fly away hair, away from her face._

" _Was the whisky really needed?" Emma asked actually sounded more amused than annoyed._

" _Yes" Regina replied without missing a beat._

_Emma rolled her eyes with a smile before placing a small kiss upon Regina's cheek. The former mayor knew she was blushing though found she did not care. "It wasn't that bad" Emma retorted._

" _Maybe for you it wasn't. Or our son. But for me it was hell. I didn't sign up for holidays with your mother and your ex" Regina explained with a gesture of her glass and saw Emma dart out of the way of the water which had spilt at the action. The blonde glared, her eyes softened at Regina's sheepish smile. Regina knew how to soften Emma. It still made her smile at how much she knew the woman before her. How she had stupidly resisted this sixteen months ago._

_Except she didn't know Emma. That it seemed had become quite clearly over the last few hours. "You never said you were a stripper" Regina stated trying to keep her drunken slurs to a minimum._

_Emma's eyes rolled again though no smile followed. She had noticed Emma's blatant glare at Neal's throw away comment about Emma's dancing days back at Snow's. Despite Emma's insistence that the conversation end Snow had asked Neal questions. Regina knew it was only natural considering how much Snow had missed of her daughter's life. It soon became apparent to no one but Regina it seemed that Emma's dancing had been of the sexual nature._

_She felt her blood boil at the thought. She knew of course Emma had slept with other people; their son was living proof of that. Also by extension others but her had seen the blonde naked but she did not like it. She did not like that people had paid to see her lover's body. That her lover had danced for them. That Neal had been there, seen it, and shared those memories with her. A secret Emma had not shared with her._

" _I was not a stripper. I was an erotic dancer. There is a difference", Emma explained as if she were explaining something very simple to a small child._

" _Did you take off your clothes for money?" Regina asked ignoring Emma's previous statement._

" _Well yes, but not off…off" Emma floundered as she explained. That was good to know. It made her feel marginally better._

" _Did you give them lap dances?" Regina asked, not entirely sure she wanted the answer._

" _Oh god. This is worse than Neal talking about it with my mother" Emma groaned placing her head in her hands. Regina did feel a pang of sympathy for the blonde._

" _That didn't answer the question" the brunette stated; her drunken reflexes not as good as they usually were when Emma's head shot up only to stare in disbelief._

" _What do you want to hear?" Emma barked. "Yes I was dancer. I was hard up and rather than steal I tried my hand at dancing. The pay wasn't bad. Yes I danced for people. Yes I gave lap dances, they paid more" Emma explained and Regina saw despite Emma's look of annoyance at her questioning she was worried that Regina was judging her. She wasn't judging her. She was trying to gain the facts._

" _Which Neal was fine with?" Regina asked sceptically, placing a hand on Emma's knee._

" _Yeah he was the one who got me the gig. A friend of his owned the joint and with a fake ID I got in. I was there for like six months tops" Emma continued explaining as if it was the most common thing in the world._

" _Did you sleep with any of them?" Regina asked and regretted the question immediately. This was clearly a conversation they should have had when she was sober. She saw the look of hurt in Emma's eyes and knew the answer before Emma gave it._

" _Regina! I said I was an erotic dancer not a prostitute. No of course I didn't sleep with them! What the hell…" the blonde barked, throwing her head back against the sofa. She didn't mean to hurt Emma by her questions but as her partner she believed she deserved to know._

" _I'm sorry but I'm having a hard time with the idea that Neal was fine with it, never mind encourage it. No girlfriend of mine would do that" Regina responded giving a small rub to the thigh beneath her palm. The man just sat there and directed his girlfriend around while other men shoved dollars in her underwear._

" _Well I'm sorry but I did, living out of the back seat of your car kinder makes you desperate" Emma shot back and Regina realised her mistake._

" _No that's not what I meant… I don't share very well. I couldn't. I would probably cause some serious harm to anyone who touched you" Regina explained careful and saw Emma's head tilt to the side if considering what she was telling her. But more important she saw Emma's face lose its look of annoyance and anger. She knew Emma heard the truth in her words. "I have a difficult enough time when Neal even looks at you. He still loves you" Regina admitted feeling momentarily silly._

" _You're jealous of Neal" Emma said a look of dawning appearing on her face. In the past Regina hadn't liked how well Emma seemed to know her, seem to see right through her. Now she cherished it. She was finally understood, and she knew despite feeling a little foolish for yes, being jealous, she knew Emma would never use it against her. "I don't want him you know" the blonde said softly with a reassuring smile, making Regina's heart flutter._

" _I do", the former queen admitted with a nod. "But he has this past with you…and these memories that I don't get to be part of" she continued feeling her heart quicken slightly. She had had these thoughts and feelings since the beginning. She doubted…no she knew Emma would never stray, but that knowledge and trust didn't make the feeling lessen._

" _No you don't, you're right" Emma said with a nod taking Regina's hand in her own. Despite the smile on Emma's face Regina felt as if she was waiting for the other foot to drop. Emma was going to say something and confirm her fears. "Except we're making a future and our own memories. Memories no one else get to be a part of. Just me, you and Henry. That's way more important and special to me" Emma explained so gently and carefully it made Regina's heart skip a beat and she knew she was moments away from crying. The whisky in her system wasn't helping her keep a reign on her emotions._

" _You were a stripper or an erotic dancer whatever you call it and you never told me" Regina stated and watched Emma sigh slightly._

" _You never asked", Emma said now looking down at the hand clasped in her own. "I had a lot of jobs to get by. Dancing, waitress, I briefly considered going back to dancing when I got out of prison but they didn't really offer a training programme to help me lose my baby weight…trust me no one wanted to see that", Emma explained with a small but superficial laugh as she traces lines across the back of Regina's hand. She was not able to look at her._

" _So I ended up doing a short stint of lounge singing …. Yeah that kinder went fairly quickly considering I can barely hold a note. I went back to waitressing until I got the bail bonds gig" Emma continued sighing deeply. "I'm not proud of the things I did. Dancing, stealing…there's nothing wrong with dancing in fact I am impressed by the guts and confidence it takes to do it. But it wasn't for me. I did what I had to" Emma explained before finally looking up. She was almost pleading Regina with her eyes for her to understand. She did._

" _I know. I'm sorry" Regina said, taking hold of the hand previously playing with her own._

" _You're it for me. There are things from my past which I don't like to talk about" Emma explained quietly._

_Regina snorted. She knew the feeling all too well and from Emma's raised eyebrow she understood the reasoning for Regina's noise._

" _If you wanna know something ask. I'm not going to bite" the Sheriff reassured her tenderly, now not breaking eye contact. "Yes I have a past with Neal. I have a lot of memories with Neal and some are good…but he's still the bastard who abandoned me and carted me off to jail…pregnant with his kid. I put up with him now for Henry. Henry wanted his father there today that was the only reason I agreed" Emma explained with such certainly and determination that Regina just had to believe her._

" _Your mother was more than happy to have him there. Pretty sure she thinks she can spark things up again" Regina responded with a slight snarky drawl, though it wasn't aimed at Emma but her insufferable mother._

" _She is an idiot then, because I am happily spoken for" Emma stated looking at Regina as if she was daring her to disagree; and she couldn't help but smile both at her use of Regina favourite pet name for Snow and her declaration. She was happily spoken for, and Regina wouldn't have it any other way._

" _I'm glad to hear it" Regina said with an exaggerated nod. She saw Emma smile. It was smile that was reserved just for her. Her special smile. The one that made her eyes sparkle. "I won't get you pregnant and then cart you off to jail" Regina said with a slight tease in her voice, though her sentiment was quite serious. She wasn't going anywhere._

" _If you can get me pregnant you can cart me anywhere you want" Emma replied with a slight laugh and grin. It took Regina a moment to consider what Emma had just said._

" _You think about that?" the brunette asked in astonishment. Regina knew Emma was her true love. Her always and forever. She even knew that Emma felt the same, but the idea of what their future together would look like… that she didn't know Emma had thought about._

" _Well …. Yeah. I mean yeah someday…maybe. I guess whatever happens I'm okay with. If we end up having more I'm up for it. If it's us and Henry that would be perfect too" Emma flailed as she explained, getting steadily more flushed with embarrassment as she continued._

" _You're incredible" Regina blurted out with a grin. Emma didn't always say everything right, but she when she did she said it perfectly._

" _I think that might be the whisky talking", the blonde said with tone of laughter to her voice though still looked unsure at her own confession._

" _Maybe. But it's still true" the former Queen said, deliberately. She watched as Emma's face broke into a grin clearly deciding her admission was okay to share._

" _I love you" her partner said simply as if it was the easiest thing in the world to say_

_Regina replied back just as easily, "I love you too". It was the easiest thing in the world. Loving Emma always had been. She'd tried not to, and despite her hardest attempts the other woman had wormed her way into heart and she was there to stay. Forever. She liked the sound of that._

_Leaning forward she heard the leather sofa beneath them squeak but she didn't care. Taking possession of her lover's mouth with her own, she cared for little else. Regina could still feel the whiskey buzzing through her system; though it's pulsing was weaker now. Emma's lips upon her own were wet and sloppy but the hand that had woven its way into her hair was strong and certain. The angle wasn't perfect, and not being able to touch Emma properly was frustrating. Not as frustrating as feeling Emma pull away completely._

" _What are you doing?" Regina asked almost gasping for air as Emma took the small glass tumbler from Regina's hand and setting onto the small table next to them. Without saying word Emma pulled out her Ipod from her pocket and Regina could hear the small device clicking as its owner scrolled through the possibly songs. Picking one it seemed, Emma clicked play and a tune with a strong beat rang out in the small room. The device was thrown onto the other sofa though the music played on._

" _Giving you, your own Christmas dance. Just for you…" Emma said practically purring and Regina felt her skin flush at the idea and her breath catch. As her jacket was shrugged off however Emma said almost devilishly slowly, "Your punishment for not sharing your whiskey however…No touching allowed"._

* * *

" _I forgot okay!" Emma shouted at her with almost pure venom. They had already been arguing for ten minutes now._

_Emma had missed it. She was hours late. Three to be exact. Regina had had to cheer and be the proud parent alone as Henry had become second in his spelling bee. Emma had promised to come home and quiz their teen son and sit in the front row with her; cheering him on. She hadn't shown. Regina could tell Henry had been distraught over his birth mother's absence. Regina had explained Emma's increased work load and he had seem to understand but she could still see the disappointment in the young boy's eyes as he'd eaten his dinner. Regina had had to give Henry his meal she on the other hand kept her own back. She when possible these days eat with Emma. It was something she could share with the other woman if nothing else._

_Emma hadn't been there. She could have understood if she'd been called away while the competition had been happening. She wouldn't have liked it but she would have understood; except Emma hadn't even made an effort to turn up! She'd forgotten!_

" _You forgot?" was Regina incredulous reply._

_Emma couldn't have simply forgotten. Regina had reminded her that very morning and Emma had reassured she would be there and she wasn't._

" _You forgot your son's Spelling Bee?" Regina asked dubiously her body fuelled by anger._

" _Yes… No…" Emma's response was muffled and confused. Which was it? Did she forget or not?_

" _Your mother … has to realise she can't just keep you back at work. She…" Regina explained feeling the annoyance and dislike only created by Snow._

" _Can we not talk about her? God please" Emma said in an almost dismissive tone with a gesture of her hand. Regina however knew when Emma was trying to avoid something. It was something she often did when talking about Snow. Regina understood but this had to stop. Emma had to learn when to say no._

" _She asks you to jump and you ask how high?" Regina shot back and saw Emma flinch._

" _I do not … I'm sorry I do my job!" the blonde's tone was filled with disgust at the idea._

" _You always pick her over our family!" she shouted incredulously._

_Emma recoiled. She actually looked shocked at Regina's suggestion. Emma was starting to spend more time at work…yes this was the first time she hadn't shown up for something like this and if it was just an honest mistake then she could understand. Henry was devastated but in time and probably a fair bit of spoiling on Emma's part he would understand. But Emma had started to side with her mother over Regina. It was never anything big and she wasn't even sure Emma was aware of it._

" _I do not!" Emma shouted back at her and for the first time since the blonde had come home did Regina see some remorse in the woman's face. "I forgot I'm sorry but this isn't about her. Yes I had paperwork to do, I just lost track of time. I wanted to be there. Of course I did, you know that."_

"…  _do_ _ **we**_ _?" the brunette almost hissed in disbelief._

" _Yes! I can't… I don't know. I didn't mean to miss it. I didn't. I wanted to be there …" Emma sobbed. Regina watched as Emma crumbled right in front of her eyes. Watched as her legs gave way and she fell into her dinning chair; clutching her head._

* * *

_Emma was out on patrol again. She'd left straight after dinner. The blonde hadn't said when she'd be back but she had surprised Regina with a kiss goodbye. Their time together was becoming less and less this last week. Emma's headaches had been getting worse too. So Regina worried. Emma was doing patrols more and more; this was the third this week. She could ask Ruby but she wouldn't. Things hadn't been right for the last few weeks. Thankfully things had calmed down since Henry's missed Spelling Bee but things were still taut between the two lovers._

_Regina couldn't sleep. She never could when Emma wasn't there. She'd become reliant on Emma's presence. She used Emma's steady breathing as a lullaby. The bed span too far on Emma's side when she didn't fill it. It felt empty and cold. She couldn't sleep and her thoughts were driving her wild._

_She wanted things to go back. What had gone so wrong? Less than a month ago they were great. They rarely fought about anything which for them was high praise indeed. She wanted them back. She wanted Emma back, not this hormonal time bomb she was living with. There were moments when she could pretend everything was okay; moments when she would look at Emma and all she'd see was their future. The future Emma had promised her and she wanted it more than anything._

_Then a migraine would hit and Emma would change. Regina could never identify which Emma the blonde would be. The Emma that would scream at her over nothing, the Emma that would cry at something Regina would say and beg forgiveness or the loving Emma. Even the latter was an exaggerated form of the usual Sheriff. She just wanted her Emma back!_

_She heard the front door open. Emma was home. The alarm clock said it was little after midnight. She was earlier than she had been the previous nights. She listened as she heard Emma's movements about the house. Heard the stairs creak with the other woman's ascent._

_She heard their door creek and could feel Emma's eyes upon her trying to gauge if she was asleep yet. Did Emma never listen to her? She'd told her countless times over the last year and half she could no longer sleep alone. It was co-dependant and needy but Regina found she did not really care._

_She could hear Emma move around the room probably removing her clothes; a notion confirmed by the clatter of Emma's belt hitting the floor. Regina couldn't help but roll her eyes … the grace of an elephant. The brunette felt the side of the bed shift and in seconds Emma's body encased her own. She felt warm…very warm in fact. It always felt right in Emma's arms. Like nothing else mattered and all was right in the world. Except it wasn't._

* * *

" _Emma is throwing up" Henry said in a way of a morning greeting._

" _What? Is she okay?" Regina asked feeling her stomach churn with worry. Third morning this week Emma had thrown up though this was the first time on an empty stomach._

" _I dunno. I was just brushing my teeth and she came barging in and started being sick" Henry explained with a look of disgust on his face. Regina resisted the urge to remind him that both his mothers had dealt with him vomiting before… on more than one occasion on them!_

_The fact Emma had ran into the bathroom their son was using rather than their ensuite told Regina immediately how bad the urge to be sick must have been. Regina pulled the cereal down before pouring an undetermined amount into the bowl she had already prepared._

" _Put your milk on your cereal" Regina told the boy passing him the bowl._

" _Yeah" Henry replied and Regina couldn't help but smile as its change in pitch. Her boy was growing up._

_She rushed to check on her lover, though could hear Emma's retching from the bottom of the stairs. It hurt her to hear Emma; it only increased her mounting worry. She was working herself too hard. Pushing herself too hard, too far and too fast._

_Opening the door she realised Emma was sobbing over the toilet and it took Regina moment to even be able to speak. This wasn't the way Emma was going to get her mother's attention, nor affection. She certainly wasn't going to get it by throwing up her internal organs._

" _You okay?" Regina asked instantly regretting her extremely stupid question. Emma was clearly not okay. The blonde's body shook with the force of the sobs and Regina wouldn't have been surprised if it was with exhaustion too. Emma's only response was a shake of her head. It was more of twitch than a shake but the message was clear._

" _Do you want me to call Snow? Tell her you won't be going in" Regain asked softly fully aware Emma's headache would be pounding right now._

_At first Emma's shake of her head was the only response; a few seconds passed before the vomiting woman spoke. "I can't … got a meeting. I'll be fine once everything stops spinning" the blonde explained sounding so pitiful it made Regina's inside ache in sympathy. It was a tone she'd heard every time Henry had been ill._

_The brunette took a deep breath. She wasn't going to force Emma to do anything. She couldn't even if she did want to. Emma was stubborn and hard headed; traits she had gotten from her parents. Today, right now she wouldn't push. "I don't think that's a good idea but okay. Promise me if you don't feel better by lunch time you'll come home" Regina pleaded and was pleasantly surprised to see Emma nod. She had expected more of a fight._

" _Do you think you've stopped?" Regina asked. She meant the blonde's heaving but she already noticed Emma was no longer crying. The Sheriff made an odd groaning sound which while it most certainly wasn't a word it's intent was clear. Emma was nowhere near finished._

" _Okay", Regina soothed. The brunette stepped across Emma's mess of limbs on the bathroom floor coming to sit next to ill blonde. She took a moment to take in Emma's appearance. Her skin was pale and clammy, and she could see the dark bags under those gorgeous eyes. She hated seeing Emma like this. She brushed the blonde hair out the way which thankfully hadn't caught any of Emma's vomit. "Then we'll sit here until you have" Regina whispered, feeling Emma sag into Regina's front._

* * *

_The house was empty and cold. It hadn't felt this empty in over a year and half. Before she'd started a relationship with Emma. The house was too big; how had she not noticed that before. She could hear every noise. Her heels echoed and the sound of it no longer made her smile. She knew Emma wasn't here. Her bug wasn't parked outside; but she needed to check. Just in case._

_Her brain couldn't register what had happened. What was happening right now? How had they gotten so far from where they had started? Where was the couple that declaring their love for each other under a freezing cold December moon? Or the ones who had practically fallen over the front step after drinking too much at a family Christmas dinner? Emma had made confessions she had thought of a future for them. She believed Regina was it for her; Regina knew without hesitation Emma was her true love. Had that only been three months ago?_

_Regina's heels clattered harshly as she ran upstairs, clinging to the bannister to keep her upright as if it was her lifeline. The brunette knew what she would see before she entered their bedroom. Her bedroom she supposed it was now. Her heart missed a beat as the state of the room came into view. The wardrobe clearly just been emptied, its doors still ajar. Some of the drawers, Emma's drawers under the vanity had been disturbed the bottom one not completely closed. A few of Regina's clothes lay dishevelled on the bed._

_Turning she saw their ensuite was open; Regina certainly hadn't left it as such. She approached the open door with caution almost fearing she might catch Emma in the act of leaving. Except the blonde wasn't there and neither were her toiletries. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she could hear her own pulse booming in her ears as she finally realised; Emma wasn't here. She was gone._

* * *

_A shrill noise pulled Regina out of her countless number of Emma filled dream that week. Letting out a deep groan Regina turned her head to see the clock next to her bed. It read 3.15…in the morning. It had taken her hours to get to sleep and someone was waking her up. She let out an annoyed noise which could only be described as a growl. It took her a moment to remember Henry was at his grandparents, and then fear and dread hit her square in the stomach. Something was wrong._

_She moved with the speed only a worried mother could. Grabbing her phone however the feeling of dread dissipated instantly replaced by surprise and anxiety. Emma's name was flashing back at her. It took her a moment to remember her caller would ring off if she didn't answer the harsh buzzing device._

" _Emma…" Regina said softly almost afraid she might scare the other woman away. Her voice however was still hoarse with sleep. Adrenaline was blasting through her body. She felt high and excited._

_A strange rustling was her only response. "Emma?" Regina asked her voice more forceful this time. She had to speak to her. A week without the blonde was enough. A night without Emma had been enough. She wanted her here. She could be here next to her in their bed, in their home!_

_A new different noise reached Regina's ear through the cell clutched in her hand. A noise she couldn't name. Had the former Sheriff meant to ring her? Was it an accident? A mistake? "Emma!" Regina repeated now shouting into her phone._

_Nothing. For a moment there was no sound. None Regina could decipher anyway. Then there was that rustle again but louder this time. "Emma … its Regina. Can you hear me?" the lone woman said trying to sound as calm as she could but her insides were churning. Emma was just there. She wanted more than anything to be able to reach inside her phone and grab the other woman but even her magic had its limits._

_The odd noise sounded again. Regina thought it might have been accompanied by… beeping maybe? What was going on? Why wasn't Emma talking? And why was she calling after three am in the morning? Had it been instinct? If a job was taking up Emma's time she might have just rang on impulse. It was rare that Emma rang when she out on a patrol as Sheriff but not unheard of. Those times however had been when they were happy and Emma just needed to hear Regina's voice and apologise for not being at home with her._

" _Emma talk to me" Regina pleaded thickly. She heard the rustling again. Then nothing. No noise. Nothing. Looking down at her cell she saw her usual background of Emma, Henry and herself smiling up at her. The call had been cut off. Did Emma have bad reception is that why Regina could hear odd noises but couldn't hear the blonde's voice? If that was the case would she ring back? She would ring back wouldn't she if it was simply a bad signal._

_She would wait. Emma was going to ring back. Minutes passed and hit Regina not to worry. Emma would call back but she needed to get to a place with better reception. Wherever she was at 3am wasn't good enough. She'd ring._

_Sore tired eyes finally slid closed for the last time shortly after four. Emma hadn't rang back. She wouldn't ring back._

* * *

_Three weeks of phone calls and begging. Of shouting, name calling and threats. Regina had tried everything she could think of to get Emma to come home. All had gone to voicemail. It had been two weeks since the mysterious late night, or early morning phone call. Regina hadn't heard of anything since. Henry on the other hand had delivered the fatal blow to her current state of emotions. Snow had received a call from Emma when he was there yesterday. As far as Henry knew it had been the first call Emma had given to her mother._

_Why Emma had rang her and not Regina she didn't know. She was angry. She had been angry, depressed and desperate to name a few feeling she'd felt in the last few weeks. Those emotions had nothing on the seething anger that coursed through her veins now. She felt like screaming and breaking something. She could so easily break the glass in her hand. Just crush it._

_Henry was out at a friend's. She had no responsibilities. So she was drinking. She'd been holding on to too much, for too long and she'd finally snapped. She was strong for Henry._

_She'd cried herself to sleep each night surrounded by the absent blonde. She could smell her still in the room. Emma had left her perfume. Regina had spent the last few weeks uncovering items Emma had left behind in her haste to leave. Leave her. Leave their family. Without looking back._

_She wasn't going to do this anymore, was not going to be this anymore and the alcohol in her system was spurring her on. She angrily pressed her cell's buttons to call her former partner. She nearly dropped the phone in surprise when she heard it ring; unlike the last few weeks when it had gone straight to Emma's voicemail. She allowed herself the rush of excitement, followed by disappointment as the phone rang on, and connected to voicemail. Clearly Emma had not turned her phone off as she had been doing since she left._

_As soon as Emma's cheery voicemail message finished Regina gripped her phone that little bit tighter before she spoke. "You walked away. You lied. You gave up. The woman I love…d would never have given up" Regina spat down the device feeling her whole body tingle with anger. The heart within her chest was beating at a dangerous rate. The surge of emotion and the alcohol buzzing through her body was making her feel lightheaded. She didn't like it._

" _You didn't even think I deserved a real good bye. You betrayed us Emma! We haven't heard from you. You could be dead in a ditch for all we know" the brunette shouted as if Emma was just across the room. Much like every room in this house Emma's presence lingered. If Regina closed her eyes she would feel the woman around her. She could be just across the room. Except she wasn't. She'd walked away!_

" _At this point I don't even care" she said and Regina heard her voice heighten and felt her throat tighten. Of course she cared. God she cared. She had to stop this. She had been queen. The Evil Queen at that. She would not be beaten like a teenage girl in love. Not for Emma Swan. Not for someone who clearly didn't give a damn about her or their son!_

" _I deserve more than this. Henry deserves more than this! And I will give him it. Life does not always hand you the best circumstances in this and any other world. I know that better than most. You should have trusted me to help you but instead you chose to abandon your family. We could have helped you through it", Regina's voice now carried every drop of seething angry her body possessed. She heard the small device in her hand groan at the pressure her almost balled fist was forcing upon it._

" _Now it's too late. You were right Miss Swan; there is nothing left for you here. Don't even think about coming back", Regina hissed jabbing at the end call button with her thumb. It took her a moment to consider what she'd just done. All she could hear was her unsteady breathing and the ticking of the study clock. Anger, fury and pain rushed at her nearly knocking her off her feet._

_The glass tumbler which had been clutched in her hand showered her in glass and cider as it shattered against the nearest wall and a blood curling scream ring out._

* * *

" _And then she ran after him. Why do they always do that? She thought she lost him but she saw movement down this alley and it was him and then Emma…" Henry explained lost in yet another story his grandmother had relayed to him from his birthmother. It was always like this after Henry returned from an evening at his grandparents'. Just when Regina thought her hurt and anger was subsiding Henry would mention the absent woman and it would hit Regina square in the gut how not okay she really was._

" _Henry!" Regina reprimanded at the sound of the former Sheriff's name. She saw him jump in fright, which was followed by the look. The look which he'd only ever given her when he'd thought of her as just the evil queen. She hated it. He, even if it was just for the split second, was afraid of her._

_She took a breath to stead her emotions. She leant across the table to take his hand and was thankful when he did not pull it away. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have shouted like that. Could you please talk about something other than Miss Swan?" Regina asked._

_She saw his eyes shift. She saw sadness and annoyance reflected back at her. She'd tried to shield him from the truth. She had let him have his stories; his lies. She'd protected him from the truth. Emma wasn't coming back for them. For almost three months now this had been a common occurrence. Henry would return from Snow and Charming and Regina would have to endure multiple stories of Emma's adventures in Boston. Some didn't sound plausible, most she hoped for Emma's safety weren't. She loved Emma. She always would; and part of her hated herself for it. True love was a not only a blessing but a burden…a curse._

_He stood, plate in hand not even looking at her now. He put his plate beside the sink to go in the disk washer before leaving; and much like his birth mother, he never looked back. She could hear him going off upstairs. Stomping each step. Maybe Emma was right the night before she left. Maybe they were living in the past. Because much like three years ago hearing Henry talk of Emma had caused her pain, and now hearing that woman's name caused her pain of a different sort. She sighed deeply, more deeply than she could ever remember doing before._

* * *

_Anger and rage pulsed through her like the darkest of magic. She could taste it. She would have been able to smell it if it weren't for the now smashed bottle of Emma's perfume penetrating the room. She had accidently knocked the bottle off her vanity and watched in slow motion as the small bottle had fallen before smashing on the floor._

_Her first instinct was panic. That was her last tangible thing of Emma's. A luxury she could revel in, in peace. Her dirty little secret. Nothing Regina owned smelt of Emma anymore. That smell that had always calmed her when everything was getting too much. This small bottle was all she had left. As she'd bent down trying to do something…anything with the broken fragments one had cut her._

_Seeing the crimson droplet form on her thumb companied with the intoxicating smell of the perfume made her feel sick. The anger had followed. She did not need Emma. She did not need that other woman. Not in her life. Not in Henry's. They were fine before she came to Storybrooke!_

_It was rage that fuelled Regina as threw Emma's leftover possessions in a box. Aggression. Anger. Hurt. Betrayal. Foolishness. Weak. All the emotions she had felt for the last three months vibrated through her body. She had been naive. Naïve enough to believe Emma when she'd said she loved her. When she had promised her a future. She had been foolish to believe anything that came out of that damn woman's mouth._

_If she was so angry with the blonde why did it hurt so much? Why did she feel so betrayed? Regina had clung to their last night together. That had to have meant something. You couldn't hold someone, love them, cherish them god even look at them in such a way and it mean nothing. Their whole relationship had not been a lie. It couldn't have been._

_Regina's hand made a grab for other of Emma's belongings she'd been hoarding. It was to join the multiple articles of clothing left behind which Regina would never admit she'd worn on the longest of the loneliest nights. It was a photograph. Looking back at her was Emma, Henry and herself. It had been taken not long after they'd gotten together. She couldn't even remember if it was before or after the town had found about them. The trio in the photo were so happy. So free. Nothing else mattered but them. Their family unit. What had changed? Where had things gone so terribly wrong?_

_Regina noticed the droplets of water fall on the glass protecting their fragment in time. Their happy moment, almost long forgotten. She saw the tears before she realised she was crying. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat that was trying to suffocate her. It took only a few seconds before the silent tears changed to heart wrenching sobs as she clutched the photo tightly to her chest; afraid they'd lost their moment._

* * *

A loud bang pulled Regina from her memories. She was in her study, clutching an empty glass tumbler. Though she had no memory of coming in here. She could taste the cider in her mouth and knew she must have drunk some. Another series of bangs echoed through the house. Someone was at the door and Regina really wasn't in the mood for company. She was sonless for the evening and she wanted to have a few drinks and go to bed much as she had done every night Henry slept out; for the last three and bit months. She was in no mood to entertain at nearly ten o'clock at night, according to the large clock on the wall.

She winced when the glass in her hand was put down a little too forcefully. She could feel the buzz of the cider in her system but she was still sober. As she walked to the front door another few loud bangs were placed upon it. Clearly someone wanted to talk to her. Pulling the door open with what she hoped was her most annoyed looking facial expression; she froze. Standing on her porch…in her doorway was Emma Swan.


	6. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

 **Author** : Calliope-plantain

 **Rating:**  M

 **Pairing:** Regina/Emma

 **Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

 **Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

 **Author's Note:** This chapter … It's the one I've been working towards, and it's emotionally drained me.

 **Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she's missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)

" _The next heart you crush will be mine" – 45-Spacer._

Emma. Regina felt her stomach drop though her heart felt as if it had risen to reside in her mouth. Emma was standing in her door way. Emma was standing in a ridiculous navy blue woollen hat that should never have been seen in public but most certainly shouldn't be worn in July! Her ensemble was completed by a thick black coat Regina hadn't seen before and the brunette was pretty sure the large coat was about to consume the blonde whole. The other woman's attire was not one suitable for Storybrooke in the middle of summer.

"Hi" Emma breathed.

After months of not seeing the blonde, she was standing in front of her; looking oddly dazed herself. Emma was here. How was she here? Regina could literally reach out and touch her. She felt her palm tingle with anticipation of doing just that; except her body wouldn't move. Her brain wasn't working properly. The woman she loved was standing just there. Looking at her with the same admiration as Regina felt. The woman, who had promised her the world and then some, was standing right in front of her. The woman who had kicked her to the gutter was standing inches away from her.

Anger. Betrayal. The two most dominate emotions she'd felt for the last three months surged within her. Feelings she should be used to by now, her life was full of both. She'd just been naïve enough to believe Emma wouldn't cause her further heartache. Her reluctance in starting a relationship with the other woman had not come out of fear of her own pain but the possibility of the suffering she might inflict on the blonde in front of her. How very naïve she had been.

Her brain didn't register the move. It was instinct. The first she was even aware of it was when the door collided with Emma's foot. Regina had tried to slam the door, a move that Emma had seen coming and had counteracted by jamming her own foot in the way.

Emma had always known her better than she believed anyone would. It was a blessing most of the time but right now it was curse. She shoved the door as hard as she could against the intruding foot but it didn't close. Regina did however hear Emma's groan of pain. "Regina just listen to me", Emma demand pleadingly and Regina could feel the blonde's attempt to push the door open. Emma's voice was proof she was really there. Regina did not want her here and yet she can feel her whole body was on fire both to consume the former Sheriff in love and hatred. To cause a pain like she'd inflicted upon her.

Regina's body shook with the excursion of trying to keep the door closed and willing herself not to let the woman on the other side in. Into her home, and back into her heart. A place she'd never left. "You are no longer welcome nor wanted here Miss Swan" Regina lied through gritted teeth as anger and shock battled from within. Instead of verbal response all she heard was Emma's grunt as the door shook once again.

She did not want Emma here. Emma had left. Regina had spent over three months trying to hate the other woman, something which she couldn't do. As much as she had tried to fight the love she felt for Emma in the beginning and failed; her desire to make it so much easier for herself and hate the woman who'd left her was just as impossible. Anger. Blame. Hurt and betrayal, those she could feel. But hatred was something she could not feel no matter how hard she tried.

"Regina please just let me in and talk to me…and stop trying to break my foot!" Emma said her voice carrying more authority than when she'd last spoken. Their almost silent game of reverse tug of war with the door continued for only a few more moments before Regina moved away completely from the door. She did not need to look to know that Emma came crashing into the hallway nor to know the door was nearly being ripped from its hinges.

"I will not have you causing a disturbance on my porch Miss Swan. The town does not need more idle gossip" Regina spoken evenly as if giving a mayoral speech, though her heart was racing so fast it made her feel faint. The cider in her system was not helping her, and she could tell it would not be her friend this evening. She could not look at the other woman. She wouldn't look at the other woman.

She felt her anxiety rise as she heard the front door close behind her. Irrational anxiety perhaps but she did not like the feeling of being enclosed with Emma. Her anger seemed to pulse through her veins and even through the haze of her emotions she felt fear. Fear of what she might do the other woman. Both fear of hurting her, and fear of succumbing to the natural pull Emma had upon her.

Emma did not speak. Regina could feel her presence behind her. Could almost taste it in the air. Silence followed the metallic click of the lock upon the door being turned. Nothing. It felt almost as if the last five minutes hadn't happened. It felt as if Regina was once again alone with her thoughts and memories, in this empty old house. "Come to pick up the last of your belongings?" Regina addressed the base of the stairs, her tone hazardously still. She would not give Emma the satisfaction of knowing the pain and joy she felt at having her home. Except this was no longer her home.

"No. I came because we need…" Emma said and Regina had to fight the instinct to flinch at the volume of it. Emma was right behind her.

"Henry isn't here" Regina said cutting across the other woman trying to remain calm though even she heard the slight unsettled tone to her voice. She hoped Emma didn't hear it. Turning to see her former lover for the first time since she'd opened the door she felt an ambivalence she could not explain. Annoyance and fury that the woman was here in her hallway, taking off her outer garments; making herself at home in a place she no longer had any rights to. Happiness and gratefulness that she was here…in her hallway, making herself at home in place she should have never have left.

She wasn't meant to be thankful to see the woman before her. She wasn't meant to be watching her remove her coat and imagining taking the traitorous woman in her arms. But her prohibited thoughts were interrupted as the coat slid off Emma's shoulders and she momentarily surprised to see the body beneath the garment. Regina supposed the lack of Granny's bear claws and the "exciting" daily physical exertions of being a bail bondswoman would result in Emma's slight frame. Even her face looked faintly gaunt.

"I know. I saw him at Mom's" Emma said as she removed that ghastly and completely pointless woollen hat. Regina's second surprised came in the form of Emma's short hair as it was released from its unnecessary prison. It was a longer than the style Snow had come to favour, closer perhaps in the length Regina herself had donned in recent years. The resemblance between mother and daughter however was astounding. Regina had heard people sometimes had a complete makeover when a relationship ended but she certainly hadn't expected Emma to change her appearance so drastically. In just three months. Her Emma really wasn't standing in her hallway.

"Snow of course. You didn't come here first. You saw your son by chance" Regina spat and saw Emma jump slightly though to her credit never broke eye contact. Emma rarely did back down from a fight. It had only been in the last month of their relationship Regina had seen Emma at times become completely submissive in arguments. Arguments she, Emma had started. It was almost as if she believed deserved it. Three months of reflection had done as much harm to Regina as it had good. What she would do with the knowledge gained…

"Even three months away and you still pick her over us" Regina continued with as much venom as she could. Screw not showing Emma the damage she'd done. She would show her it. She was make her feel it. Feel it right down to the core of her being. Feel it so deep she'd feel like she was suffocating and she might even come close to feeling as Regina had been feeling since the blonde had walked out of her life.

"Are you sure you should be here Emma, did mommy give you permission?" she spat mockingly and she watched as Emma shifted. She watched as the other woman seemed to almost move into defence mode. Regina wanted to fight. She wanted Emma to fight back. She did not want the woman to give up so easily. She wanted her to fight.

"For god's sake Regina" Emma barked back. Any other time egina would been have fighting a laugh at the familiar way Emma's fingers ran through her hair in annoyance and disbelief at something Regina was saying. Except it wasn't funny. Her Emma, the Emma who wrote stupid love post it notes and dragged her down frozen beaches in the middle of December was not the one standing in front of her. Her Emma, who had talked of children and their future in whatever form it held, was not the one that walked out of the Sherriff office that day. She was not the woman standing in front of her; it seemed that woman was lost forever.

"I knew Henry would be there, Mom told me. I wasn't picking anything or anyone over anyone else. I never did", Emma said loudly though the tone was not of anger but of desperation. Again green eyes never left her. They watched as Regina's hands balled at her side. They watched though could not understand the emotions surging beneath Regina's skin. Emotions Regina herself could not explain. She wanted to believe Emma. She wanted to, so badly.

She could easily throw this woman out of her home. Whether it was physically or magically, she could do it. Part of her wanted to. Most of her wanted to. But there was that part. That part that had begged Emma to stay. That part that had allowed her to cry herself to sleep, clutching her lover's pillow as she fell into dreams about what would never come true. A part of her that wanted to hear it all. Hear the excuses…the apologises. The pleas of forgiveness. Would any of it come?

She needed another drink. She gave no command for the blonde to stay or follow as she turned and walked to her study. The sound of footfalls behind her told her Emma was at least following her this far. She was glad for a moment that she'd just vacated this room; it was still lit meaning she did not need to turn on the light. Light was very much needed after ten o'clock at night.

"Do you want one?" Regina shot over her shoulder as she made her way over to the previously discarded glass and decanter. It was of a courteous gesture rather than a desire for Emma to drink her cider.

"No I'm good thanks" was Emma's reply. Her asking was merely a gesture of good will and Emma's refusal of a drink with her did not harm or hurt her in anyway. Except it did. Emma never declined. Not even on her first night in Storybrooke. Not even when they were in a full blown row Regina would offer Emma a drink and she would accept and things would either get on better or worse; usually the former with added alcohol.

She heard the couch squeak as Emma sat down; Regina busied herself with her glass of cider. If Emma didn't want one then it was of no ill consequence to her.

"I'm sorry…for hurting you" Emma said so softly if the room had not been so deathly silent the brunette might not have even heard it. Tears filled her blurring her vision. She was sorry. Emma meant it; Regina could hear it in her voice. She felt her breathe catch in her chest. Turning she allowed for the first time since Emma had turned up at her door her emotions show. Anger was still present, but it wasn't the only emotion. Sadness and happiness too. Even she knew that those emotions meant she cared and she saw Emma's face see that recognition too. She had never stopped caring.

"Are you sorry you left?" Regina asked glass now in hand. She needed that reassurance. She needed to hear Emma say the words, but her heart was beating so hard she doubted she would hear the other woman's answer over the drumming in her own ears.

But it wasn't loud enough and part of her wished it was. "I had reasons why I left Regina. I don't regret leaving no, I do wish that I didn't have to", was Emma's sincere answer.

Anger and frustration overcame the former Queen. Frustration which only ever came when trying to talk to this woman. Clearly Emma's time away had not made the woman see sense. Regina had at least hoped that if Emma ever did come back she would have learnt something and that the time apart would have been worth it. All the evidence however seemed to contradict that assumption.

Regina briefly considered putting her front up. Followed by the idea of allowing her anger to fuel the situation but she wouldn't be surprised if Emma ended up being thrown through the wall behind the couch she was seating on. She would not beg. She would not beg for answers and she would not beg this woman to stay in her life. If Emma did not want to be in it, then that was her decision.

She would however let Emma know the pain, and hurt she's left behind in her wake. That was the one vulnerability she would allow herself. Emma had already seen the tears…perhaps she already knew. But Regina did want… no need answers. She deserved that. Maybe that was why Emma was sitting in the house she used to live in. She finally believed Regina deserved her answers … even if it was the real goodbye she had never received.

"As I recall telling you, you did not need to leave. You chose to leave of your own accord", Regina said her voice still, which was more than could be said for the liquid in her glass as her hands shook. As hard as she tried she could not pull a deep breath in. Her chest would hurt less if only she could breathe. Her chest…her heart would hurt less if only she could make Emma understand. It was not up to her to make her understand, and yet all she wanted to do is shake the woman and make her see.

"Yes I did" Emma replied, sitting forward as her own hands came to rest upon her lap. Regina allowed her eyes to close; she could not look at her. She wanted to throttle her at the moment, or just shake her. Hard. Eyes still closed Regina brought the glass up to her lips and drained the cider from within. She felt the slight tingle as she gulped it down. It was not meant to be knocked back, it was to be sipped and tonight she did not give a damn. She span around and put the glass down forcefully on the small table; and resisted the urge to have another.

Eyes opened now she could feel the unshed tears burning them. She could feel the bile in her stomach starting to rise. She was not weak. She would not be weakened by this woman. If Emma was not remorseful for her actions then Regina had little time for her. Except she wanted to have the time. She wanted Emma…to want her.

"I trusted you" Regina said her voice shaking. Even to her ears she heard the undertone of hurt and disgust. Disgust at Emma. Disgust at herself for having such a weakness. "Henry trusted you and you just left. You abandoned us" the former mayor continued her voice now laced with disbelieving resentment. Her knuckles were turning white with the force in which she held onto the small wooden table. She held on for stability. For strength.

She took a deep breath before turning around once again making sure that the now plastered mayoral smile was fixed upon her face. The faux smile almost slipped off completely at look of defeat upon the blonde's face. Emma had hurt in her ways she had never dreamed she would. She had given her the power to hurt her, and trusted her not to…and she had. She had betrayed what they had, and treated it as if it was nothing. Emma clearly did not care for the damaged she had caused. So Regina went in for the kill. "Better than anyone I would have thought you know how that feels" the former Queen said her voice laced with revulsion.

She watched as Emma's eyes flashed just for a moment. She saw hurt and surprise. It was there just for a moment before it was gone; then a blank stare took it place. Regina wanted to hit her. Wanted to scream at her. She wanted a fight. She wanted Emma to do something, say something that would prove her right. Hopefully, prove her wrong.

"I did what I had to", Emma said her voice thick, the only evidence of the hurt within.

"You were coward" Regina spat, feeling an odd sense of glee in sound of Emma's voice. The feeling only increased when the emotions reached the jade eyes; and it spurred her on as she ignored the spark of guilt. "Why I was so surprised, I don't know. You never stay…" she continued her voice rising with each word.

"You have no idea what I've gone through" Emma shouted across her, the first sign of fight in the other woman since she tried to open the door against Regina's will. A fight was what Regina would revel in.

"Whose fault is that?" Regina exclaimed in disbelief. Of course she didn't know. She had no god damn idea what Emma had been going through because her partner had tossed her aside like she was yesterday's trash. "I told you…you had me. I was right here…YOU choose to leave. Not me." she barked spitefully. She was not going to take the blame for this. Regina may have had a hand in Emma leaving, god she could be the reason she left, but she would not be held responsible for her leaving. Emma was an adult and had made her own decisions. "I never thought you would become Neal" Regina quipped sickeningly without thought.

"I am not Neal" Emma said through gritted teeth; though Regina could see it wasn't in anger but to stop the tears from falling.

"Leaving me to look after your child completely on my own … sounds like exactly like him" Regina replied sardonically.

Her eyes. They showed the pain. It was more than she had expected to see. The pain Regina had wanted to inflict. The same pain that measured equal to her own. It didn't feel as good as she believed it would. The hurt in her former lovers' eyes just made her feel guilty and ashamed.

Emma stood with a sob before storming out of the room. Regina had known the blonde wouldn't fight for long, but she certainly didn't expect her to give up so early. She waited for the front door to slam, except it never came. The next noise came from the other side of the house. From the kitchen.

Regina took a shaking breath before she followed the noises she could hear. By the running water she guessed Emma was making herself a drink. An assumption which was confirmed when Emma came into sight. Upon the countertop was Emma's cup. The only thing it seemed which had evaded Regina's evacuation of Emma's belongings. Well their removal to the garage. She'd seen that green mug every day for almost two years and it had never occurred to her to throw it out when Emma left. It had become part of her morning routine. Part of her everyday life, much as Emma should still be.

She saw Emma freeze for a moment before Henry's orange juice was added to the forgotten mug. Regina wondered for a moment if she should apologise for her harsh words. She hadn't meant them. Actually she did. What Emma had done to her was no better than what Neal had done to her except Emma was here. She was being overly cryptic and painfully blind to everything around her, but she was here.

She watched silently as Emma popped two small yellow tablets onto the counter, and then with practiced skill picked both up pushed them to the back of her throat before washing them down with the juice. Only a trace of disgust at the taste of the tablets graced Emma's face. A feat all in itself as Regina had witnessed both Emma and their son trying … and failing to take medication in the past.

She watched as Emma hung her head slightly as the cup was placed back down. The former sheriff's hand rose to thread its finger through Emma's now shortened tresses and stopped with a slight massage to the back of Emma's own neck. Even Regina couldn't ignore the small flinch the other woman gave at the movement.

"I see your vacation did nothing for your headaches" Regina snipped ensuring any concern or guilt she felt for the other woman was not in her tone.

Emma rolled her head slightly to the left then the right, her hand still clamped to the back of her neck. It was unusual to see Emma's hair so short, and watch it bounce slightly with every movement on its owners head. Her hair looked darker too, though it may have been the brightness of the kitchen.

"No" Emma replied her tone was crisp but even. It did nothing to ease Regina guilt; though she felt her annoyance rise once again. "They're nothing on those. They were like the warm up. It wasn't a vacation, Regina" Emma all but reprimanded her. No it wasn't a vacation it was her "find herself" time, Regina thought angrily. Regina was a mother, much like Emma was meant to have been for the last three months. Regina couldn't just go wandering off when life got too hard. She has responsibilities. She had her family to look after.

"Yes from what I hear from Henry your stress free time away, was anything but stress free" Regina quipped, causing Emma to finally look at her front on. Regina watched as those lines formed just above the younger woman's eyes, the ones that formed when she was thinking hard.

"You could say that again" Emma said softly with a slight laugh that held no humour. Regina stood looking at the woman who looked so different from the one she had known. Both had stood this very kitchen arguing and making up little over three months ago though they were polar opposite to each other now. It was now Regina stood in the doorway, and Emma leaning against the countertop. Yet Regina still didn't understand how they'd gotten so far from where they'd been.

She couldn't keep looking at the woman who simply looked backed at her as if she'd kicked her puppy. Regina had blamed herself enough over the last months. Blamed herself for not seeing the signs, for not fighting hard enough…for not being enough. She couldn't stand and hear Emma blame her too. And yet she craved it. So she broke eye contact. She walked to the door off to the side of the room. A small turn of the lock opened the door to the garage; and there by the door exactly where she had left it was Emma's forgotten things. A box filled with things it seemed Emma was in too much a rush to remember.

She bent down to pick up the box. She could feel Emma's eyes upon her, almost burning into her. Gazing down at the items the box contained she felt her chest constrict, as memories of each item's reveal around the house made an appearance at the forefront of her mind. Most of the items had been clothes, but each item in itself had had at least one memory attached to it. At least one happy memory which tore at Regina's soul to remember it, and yet Emma had left it all behind.

Calming her emotions and tone, Regina turned standing up right to look at the other woman again. She looked at Emma and saw her take in the box, before her eyes rose once again to meet her own gaze. Regina took a moment before asked pointedly "Miss Swan what exactly do you want?" Regina noted much to her displeasure Emma did not flinch at the name. In fact she seemed to have been expected it. Regina did not enjoy calling the blonde her title. It felt foreign in her mouth now, only using it to get a rise from Emma. Even that pleasure it seemed Emma had taken away from her. As the seconds ticked on under Emma's gaze, the box in her hands seemed to get slowly heavier. Much like the air around them as Emma fidgeted but did not break eye contact.

"I came home" Emma whispered, though she may have well have screamed for the force it knocked Regina back. Three little words and they nearly crippled her. Emma stepped forward towards her sorrow trapped within her eyes and once again the feeling of being trapped fell upon Regina. This time it provoked fury.

"Home!" Regina spat angrily and watched as Emma recoiled the inches she'd tried to gain over her. This was Regina and Henry's home. It had stopped being Emma's the day she walked out. The day she'd left it without ever planning to come back. She lost the right to lay claim on anything in this damn house, including her. "This is most certainly is not your home Miss Swan", Regina continued bitterly as she watched the blonde's stature shrink and for once she did not care. She could feel her hands shake as she gripped the box within them, feeling the cardboard flex against the pressure she was forcing upon it.

"You made that perfectly clear the day you left There is nothing left here for you anymore, remember" the former Queen hissed her tone laced with mockery. Regina remembered. She remembered every second of that day. Every word. The memory of each ticking second was burnt into her brain, and she was forced to relive it in her darkest, loneliness moments. She remembered, and it was torture. Torture she forced upon herself so she could understand. Understand what she had done, what she should have done. How she would have made it better, how she could have been better. Except she wasn't. She never had been. "You made it crystal clear you didn't give a damn about me" Regina snarled though her voice did not carry the authority it should have. The pain inside was crippling.

Her blood boiled, and she felt more anger than she could remember feeling in a long time. What was worse was the feeling of no control. She needed control. Her magic buzzed beneath her skin. It felt as if it was screaming. Screaming to rip the blonde in front of her to shreds; and for a moment it terrified her.

She thrust the box with all her might at the other woman who was just standing look at her open mouthed. She didn't even have the decency to lie. To say it wasn't true. She just stood and looked back at her with the same damn moronic look as her mother. The alcohol in her system hindered her aim but she still managed to hit her mark. Straight at Emma's chest. The flimsy box seemed to explode on impact showering the kitchen in Emma's belongings.

The t-shirt Regina had taken to sleeping in the first month of the blonde's absence however caught on one of Emma's shoulder. She watched as the shock of Regina words and actions caught up with the emerald eyes looking back at her. She saw the moment they darkened, and anger flared in them. Real anger. Anger that seemed to burn into her. Regina could see other emotions whirling around Emma's features, she could see the battle in Emma's face and wanted to scream.

"What the hell Regina?" Emma shouted. She ripped the hanging t-shirt from her shoulder and threw it back at Regina with so much force it took all her willpower not to jump. Not to show weakness. Emma stepped out of the debris of her former life. Stepped over it as if it was nothing. The blonde stepped towards her and Regina felt her hands ball at her side.

"You told me!" Emma all but screamed at her this time. The eyes looking at her no longer looked angry. That emotion had drifted on. They now shone with desperation.

"What?" Regina bite back. She crossed her arms so tightly it hurt. She would not be intimidated and she would not let this woman see her weakness. She had allowed herself to be foolish, and let this woman in. She couldn't…wouldn't do that again.

"You told me you would let me leave if I said I didn't love you", Emma said her voice now cracking with the emotions Regina would not let herself feel for her in return. Except with Emma it always the emotions she did not want to feel that pushed themselves to forefront. Emma had a way of banging down her defences whether Regina wanted her to or not. What did that mean? Did Emma still love her? Impossible. She wouldn't have left if she did.

"You weren't going to let me go otherwise", her former lover said thickly. Thinking back Regina realised Emma was right. She had said that. She had said that one thing she believed would make Emma stay. She hadn't realised she'd all but handed her the ammunition to destroy their life together. Emma had only said she didn't love Regina so she could leave. She'd said it knowing Regina would let her leave. That made no sense. Why had she wanted to leave?

"Why would you want to leave at all?" Regina asked hearing her own voice crack so similar to Emma's just moments before. None of this made any sense. It hadn't made sense at the time, and it made less sense now. She could understand if Emma no longer loved her. She hadn't wanted to believe it…she couldn't believe it, but if that was how Emma felt she wouldn't have gotten over it; but she would have survived. Yet here Emma was…saying it was all a lie.

"I told you, I didn't want to hurt you…keep hurting you", the blonde said staring her right in the eye. Ever the martyr… no the saviour. The familiar feeling of exasperation hit her full force. So hard she just wanted to cry and scream in frustration. She no longer had anything to throw at the blonde, though she desperately wanted to.

"So leaving was your obvious solution" Regina exclaimed in disbelief with a wave of her hand. She could hear her blood pounding in her ears; now she was getting a headache.

"Yes!" Emma yelled back her voice sounding hoarse.

She couldn't. She couldn't keep doing this. Talking to this woman no longer made sense. Emma no longer made sense. If what Emma was saying was true, she still loved Regina. Or she had when she'd left. She'd loved her and still walked away. She had stood, watched the woman she loved beg and plead for her to stay; and was still able to walk out of the building and drive away. She had done that.

"That's ludicrous" the brunette cried back. She searched the mess of emotions she could see upon Emma's face. Just searched; searched for answers she didn't know if Emma knew. She felt bewildered, and so lost. None of this was making sense. "You didn't want to stay and hurt me, so instead you broke my heart and left?" Regina asked slowly trying to gain some clarification. Maybe she had gotten it wrong; misinterpreted Emma's words.

"Yes", the other woman replied though her tone was much lower than it had been previously, though the force was still there. The force that was demanding that Regina understood. Emma's face…her eyes begged her to understand. How could she? How could she understand any of this? It was baffling and it hurt her brain. It hurt to even think, and Emma's puppy dog eyes weren't helping.

"I don't … I don't want to hear this" the brunette said softly with a shake of her head. It was too late to have this conundrum forced upon her, and she'd had too much to drink to even try and solve it. "Please just get out of my house" Regina said trying to keep her tone schooled as she pushed passed the other woman.

"No" Emma said with a tone of absolute defiance. Why had Regina let her in? That was the ultimate question.

She turned on her heel and saw once again the sad eyes looking back at her. The broken eyes of a damaged woman. A woman she would have given her life to save if only Emma had allowed it. "I said get out!" Regina shouted though she heard the hint of the tears she could feel burning behind her eyes in her voice.

"Not before you listen to me" Emma said boldly though her face told Regina she did not have the strength nor the conviction, her tone of voice suggested.

"You have  _nothing_  worth saying that I want to hear" the former queen said harshly.

"Yes I do, and I can guarantee you want to hear because if you don't you'll regret it for the rest of your life" Emma said so softly, almost kindly it stung her heart. Emma had no right to demand this of her. She had no right to do any of this. She had hurt her enough. Emma had caused enough damage. Why would she not just leave her alone?

"No!" Regina snapped and saw Emma's eyes widen. "What I regret is you!" she spat so forceful she saw beads of spit fly out of her mouth. She was livid, and she was pissed off. She watched as Emma stepped back, and Regina advantaged after her. "Letting you into mine and Henry's lives. Letting you into my bed, heart and home!" she seethed, her voice almost seemed to echo around the small room. "I regret you. I can't believe I trusted you!" the brunette screamed feeling her rage burn her inside out.

Stepping forward she kicked Emma's belonging out of the way. She shoved Emma backwards as hard as she could and heard the thud as the blonde connected with the counter behind her. Regina saw the flash of pain and fear in her love's eyes, as she swallowed the bile that rose in her throat. The same look Henry had given her when she's shouted at him for using Emma's name.

"I gave everything to you, Emma! Every single part of me!" Her tone was ebbing to desperation. Desperation for Emma to understand. Understand what she had done. What was worse was the look in the other woman's eyes. Complete understanding. She was already bare…completely naked in front of the woman she'd given total control to, what was one more confession. "I was even going to propose" Regina admitted the fire burning out and slumped slightly, realising she was pressed up against Emma. She could feel her. She could smell her. Feel her heart beating even faster than her own.

She expected to see surprise in the other woman's eyes but all she saw was more sadness; and it broke her even further. "I know… I found the ring" Emma whispered. Her blood ran cold, and her vision seemed to blur around the edges, as she clung to counter behind Emma.

"You … what…?" Regina asked in disbelief. "When?" she asked before Emma could even open her mouth to answer. She'd bought the ring shortly after Christmas when Emma had confessed to thinking about their future. She'd been amazed at the idea that Emma had put time and effort into considering what her future was going to be like; and wanted Regina in it. Wanted her to be in her plan. Emma Swan the woman, who ran, had made that commitment and had been honest enough to share it. Then it had all gone so terribly wrong and Regina hoped and waited for the right time. She wanted for things to go back, back to how they were. Then she would ask; and it would have been perfect.

"The night before I left" Emma breathed as if the words caused her physical pain.

Regina heard her own gasp before Emma's words even had time to register. Register their meaning. She felt winded. Emma's admission hurt more than if she'd ripped out Regina's heart and crushed it under the heel of her boot. She'd…she'd found it. She'd found it and left. Oh god. Regina had been the reason she'd left; because she hadn't meant it. She hadn't meant it when she'd said she wanted Regina in her future. She did not want to share her life with her. It all made sense now.

Pushing away from the counter she felt her face contort with the pain from within. The tears burned her eyes, she wouldn't let Emma see. She wouldn't give her the satisfaction. Gritting her teeth painfully hard she allowed herself a few deep breathes before turning back round to the woman who was still leaning against the countertop where Regina had left her. "You…" Regina started cursing the hurt undertone in just her first word. "If you didn't want to marry me you could have just said. Leaving town was a little extreme" Regina continued thankful her voice seemed stilled though her insides were reeling.

Emma's mouth widened, though not as far as her eyes did. "What …?" the former sheriff asked clearly confused. The shortened blonde hair moved as Emma shook her head vigorously. "No... Regina… I did. I do. Just listen to me" the woman begged reaching out towards her. Regina would not seek comfort in the woman. She wouldn't give either of them the pleasure in it.

Dodging the evading hand, Regina snared. "Awfully sure of yourself aren't you". She did not want to hear promises and pleasantries from this woman. She had believed her when she had said it last time; she would not be fooled again. It was very clear that Emma did not want to be Regina's wife. A fact that hurt so deeply it was hard to even keep breathing, but she would not break down in front of Emma.

" _Now_  you want to talk. You never listened to me" Regina exclaimed angrily. "I  _begged_  you to stay Emma and you still walked away. I rang you repeatedly and you never answered…you never rang back. So no dear. You don't get tell me to listen to you" Regina finished in disgust.

Emma stepped forward and seemed unfazed by the glare Regina was shooting right at her. The hand that came to rest upon her forearm seemed to ignite Regina's skin. Just as it always had. "I know you did, and I'm sorry but I  _couldn't_  ring you" Emma responded so quietly Regina wasn't sure if she'd heard it or imagined the words.

"Why the hell not?" Regina barked, cursing herself for once again letting her pain show, as she ripped her arm out of Emma's grasp. Then realisation caught Regina square in the chest. It almost crushed her beneath its weight. "You listened to the voicemails didn't you?" Regina asked hoarsely. The shaken breath that fell from Emma's lips was enough of an answer; she did not need the nod that followed.

"You listened to them" Regina said in disbelief. "I cried and begged you Emma. I…How could I have been so stupid to believe anything you've said to me these last two years" the former mayor continued feel the irritation at herself clawing at her insides. She had been so damn foolish. She had been right to not let this woman into her heart, and she had believed very word that had come out Emma's mouth, and had cast away her doubts readily. Idiot!

"You listened to me in that amount of pain and you didn't want to stop it" Regina said, finally breaking. The tears were going to fall either way, and Emma wasn't going to leave until she'd said her part. So she'd let them. She would let Emma feel guilty, if she even cared enough to feel that.

"I did!" Emma shouted making a grab for Regina's arm yet again, though this time the older woman was quicker.

"Not badly enough!" Regina answered her tone flared. "Whatever happened to the woman I loved?" She asked Emma incredulity as she felt the tears fall silently down her face.

"I'm standing right here, Regina" the blonde said quietly, though she made no move to take her arm again. The older woman almost hated her for not trying to comfort her, once again.

"I asked you to stay, you didn't. I told you not to come back and yet here you are. Clearly your incompetence at following simply instruction has not improved" Regina snarled in revulsion. "You left me and Henry. The woman I loved would never have done that" the brunette continued as if Emma had never spoken.

"You have every right to be angry with me" the blonde said, her tone suggesting she was trying to reason with her. As if Regina was almost being unreasonable. She had every right to feel angry and hurt. She was both. She wasn't acting nor feeling irrational.

"Thank you dear for your permission" she retorted bitterly.

"Urgh … that's not what I meant" the other woman said with a slight whine to her voice. Yet again the familiar drag of Emma's hand through her fair hair in frustration made Regina's stomach flip. The gesture almost…normal.

"What exactly  _do_  you mean Miss Swan", she prodded coolly.

"I understand. I would be too" the saviour said softly, almost agonizingly so.

"Except I wouldn't put you through the same hell you've put me through", Regina shot, venom and hurt in equal measure lacing each word. "I most certainly wouldn't …what lie about loving you? I don't even know anymore because it's clear you don't love me" Regina said uncertainly, and she hated herself that uncertainty. She hated herself for showing her vulnerability once again.

The blond shot her a stunned look, which was accompanied with an open mouth. "I do love you Regina…." It made her heart skip the familiar old sensation. Her traitorous heart heard the words and made her feel them. Why did Emma have to look so endearing, so scared and desperate to be believed; and why did Regina want nothing more than to do just that.

"You left me standing there Emma. You left and never looked back" Regina screamed. Silence seemed to hang on the air around them; if there was any air left in the kitchen it turned cold at the screamed pain held words. "You didn't even kiss me goodbye" she continued her voice betraying her further by cracking.

"Regina…" the woman breathed as if she was going to object in some way.

"You just disappeared off the face of the earth, but not to your precious mother" Regina half sneered, ignoring Emma's interruption once again. Her heart was pounding in her chest, and she was almost certain it was trying to escape. "She was obviously supportive enough … you know just has she has been since we got together" the former mayor quipped cruelly, and saw Emma buckle under her reasoning. Snow had never shown one ounce of support towards Emma nor their relationship since it had begun.

Regina paused for a moment, and realised that Emma had in fact been referring to Snow as her mother. Something she had done so rarely before, it struck her as odd that she had just realised. It had taken Emma to break up with her for Snow to finally give her nod of approval. The approval Emma had already strove for from her mother. "Was that it? Snow dictated and you went running, made you see sense. No one should love ever the Evil Queen" the brunette tried to train her tone but it carried her darkest secret anyway. It told Emma exactly what she had feared since the day she'd left.

"What! No Regina. No" Emma said loudly her, pleading her to understand that was not true. Just as she had done the day in the Sheriff's office three months ago. That had been her biggest fear. It always had been. That Emma would eventually realise what a foul and unlovable person she had agreed to be with. Just as Emma's eyes always did they spoke volumes. They told her it wasn't true, that she didn't believe that.

"Then what!" she shouted and for the first time she heard only pain her voice. It no longer carried the anger that had been bubbling away under the surface. It only held her distress and grief. Her sorrow and inability to understand.

"I want to explain. Explain everything. But... When I do everything will change. You won't...you won't look at me the same", Emma furthered looking far more serious than Regina had ever seen her; in a relationship or otherwise. Emma looked as if she was about to explode, though it would not have been in anger. The tears which clung to the dark eyelashes seemed to be waiting. Waiting for Emma to give up the fight to keep them in and there was nothing Regina could do but stand and wait for that moment too. Just had she had been doing for months.

"Everything has already changed. It changed the second you walked away three months ago" Regina said a little less forcefully than she would have liked; but she saw the first of the blonde's tears fall as if she'd screamed them.

"God Regina! I am trying to explain" Emma shot back. The blonde's face distorted in pain and genuine sorrow. It was aimed straight at her; and it was in that moment she realised it hadn't been her trying to stop Emma from talking. It had been Emma herself, because much as Regina had expected she didn't know how to explain. How to give the answers Regina craved.

"I don't know how" the blonde whispered weakly. "I don't know how to tell you. I'm being selfish. But I need to tell you. I need you" Emma seemed to demand, more to herself than seeking Regina's permission. "Please listen… I need you to listen to me. Please" her ex-partner begged. Regina moved to pull her arm out of Emma's hold once again, and only to feel the grip upon it tighten. "Please. Just let us have this. Please. I'm so sorry" the other woman pleaded as if her very life depended on it. She begged with her with her words, her eyes and soul; and it was heart breaking. She could see the cracks forming, and knew the damn was about to break.

Regina felt her anger ebb for a moment. The former queen loved the woman in front of her, and she had hurt in a way Emma had promised she never would. But looking at the broken woman before her, Regina saw for the first time the true face of the woman she loved. The Emma she hadn't seen the afternoon she'd left Storybrooke. She had last seen her, as the brunette had fallen asleep secure in her arms...only hours before Regina had woken alone. Regina could still feel the residue of toxic anger and betrayal she'd carried with her these lonely months, in the pit of her stomach, but she could not ignore the plea of her love's eyes.

In a moment of weakness Regina gave in. She closed the gap between them and felt Emma's body collide with her own. Her body working separate to her brain, automatically enfolded her arms around the former Sheriff, pulling her close. Emma's head fell into its rightful place in the crux of the brunette's neck. The impact was instantaneous. The blonde's legs seemed to give way causing Regina to fall ungracefully into the other woman as they both crumpled to the ground. Any other time Regina may have considered scolding the other woman, however the muffled scream that fell from the blonde's lips made her heart stop and stomach lurch.

Instinctively she pulled the woman in closer, and could feel Emma's entire body shake. Her Emma truly was broken; and Regina was trying her hardest to keep the shattered pieces together but they were slipping through her fingertips. The grip Emma had upon her was constricting. So much so it was hard to even draw in breath; and her emotions weren't helping either. Tears blurred her vision as she held Emma tightly in her arms. The way they'd landed Regina was almost sitting on Emma's lap, though the grip from the younger woman made it physically impossible for her to move.

Regina placed a gently kiss upon the blonde hair near her face trying to sooth the crying woman but instead she felt Emma's shudders worsen. Regina felt afraid. She was not one to admit it when she was but she was terrified. The former mayor's hand came to rest on the back of Emma's head which was burrowing itself into Regina's shoulder almost painfully so. She didn't know what to do. She had wanted Emma to feel her anguish, yes; but not this. This was agony. Her heart was racing impossibly fast and she was lost sitting on the half upon the hard cold ground and half upon the woman she loved completely out of her depth.

"I've got you" Regina whispered and heard Emma's whimper in return.

"I'm so sorry" Emma wept, and god did she mean it. It physically hurt Regina to hear it. To hear the pain and the sorrow in the woman's voice. She was truly sorry. Regina could feel the woman's tears soaking her blouse.

"Tell me" Regina whispered, letting her fingertips play with the feathered ends of Emma's hair, trying to sooth the distraught woman. Nothing Emma said could feel as bad as it felt holding Emma, unable to do a thing. She had to know whatever was causing Emma such pain. Emma needed to share it. Whatever it was, they could deal with it once the blonde said it.

She felt Emma shift, but all she did was turn her head. It enabled Emma to pull herself closer still to Regina. The former Queen could feel the woman's shuddering breath against the base of her throat. She heard the breath shudder further still, deafening loud next to her ear though the voice that followed was so quiet it startled her. "The night before I left…I went to see Whale, again. I…He'd…He'd found a brain tumour", Emma said thickly, releasing the burden she'd carried alone for almost four months.


	7. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

 **Author** : Calliope-plantain

 **Rating:**  M

 **Pairing:** Regina/Emma

 **Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

 **Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

 **Author's Note:** After my Beta read this – she told me to tell you I wrote it BEFORE 3x11 aired…

 **Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she’s missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)

_“The next heart you crush will be mine” – 45-Spacer._

“What?” she breathed her voice sounding foreign to her ears. She was being suffocated. She couldn’t even draw in breath. A lead weight was crushing her chest. Regina’s body and brain weren’t connected though she felt the rush travel through her entire body making her feel dizzy. She was going to pass out. Her sense of time and surroundings wouldn’t click into place either. Her vision seemed to blur around the edges as if her body was losing the ability to keep her conscious. Her constant anchor to reality…her now stark blindingly painful reality was Emma’s shuddering breathing against her throat.

“He found a brain tumour” the blonde timidly repeated against her skin, though Regina did not need the words to be said again. She needed the words to be explained. How could Emma have a tumour? It didn’t make sense. It didn’t…click inside Regina’s head.

A brain tumour. That wasn’t…that wasn’t possible. That couldn’t be true. Emma … Whale had to be mistaken. No they were wrong. It couldn’t be a brain tumour. Regina had stayed awake worrying as she watched Emma become more distant and their day to day life become increasingly difficult. She’d cried herself to sleep when the woman who should have been there to comfort her and tell her everything was okay, was nowhere to be seen. She’d thought of so many situations and problems Emma could have gotten herself into that the other woman had felt she had to run away; but she had never thought that. She’d never thought of Cancer.

“No…you don’t…you can’t” Regina stammered into the blonde hair she was now clutching. It felt as if the ground beneath her had vanished and she was simply suspended in mid-air waiting for the moment she would fall into the dark abyss beneath her. She felt the small kiss pressed against her neck before Emma moved. Regina slipped the final inches to the ground which seemed solid and cold beneath her knees as she came to sit on her heels. Emma slid upwards through no more of the other woman into view as Regina felt Emma’s fingers wove in her hair. Regina’s scalp tingled at the familiar, well known feeling.

Emma’s cheek was flushed against Regina’s now and she could feel the blonde’s tear coated skin against her own, and hear Emma’s jagged breath against her ear. Her love was mirroring her now, though Emma’s hold seemed stronger and more stable. Regina let the tears fall. Hearing Emma’s staggering breaths despite her determined hold against Regina’s head and waist confirmed Emma’s words.

“I do…and I’m so sorry” the other woman said her breathing shook so dangerously Regina felt her own grip against the woman’s waist tighten. She heard the wet kiss placed against her ear as well as the repressed sob that fell from her lover’s lips. Closing her eyes she felt the warm tears fall down her face. God…this couldn’t be happening. How could this be real?

Once again, much like it had so many times since the day it happened; their last argument played itself in Regina’s mind. Little Emma had screamed at her that day made sense. She had tried so hard to make it fit, to make it make sense; and she always failed. But she remembered Emma’s final words before she’d announced she was leaving Storybrooke. Now that made sense and she felt like vomiting. She remembered Emma’s frantic tone as she’d shouted “I just want to be happy for once without everything fucking up! And I can't even have that.” Whale had potentially handed her a death sentence, and Emma had ran.

Her hand tightened slightly in the blonde tress around her fingers. She wanted to do something…anything to ease the pain she felt. The pain she heard in the woman holding her though her harsh breathing was lessening. When had it changed so she was the one being comforted…being held? When had their lives changed so drastically?

“Again?” Regina said breaking the silence as the entirety of Emma’s confession reached her brain. She’d said again…when and why had Emma been to see him before? Why hadn’t she told her? “You said again” Regina added as Emma shifted and moved away from her completely. Their knees seemed to be the only thing touching now as they all but sat in the debris of Emma’s forgotten belongings. The guilt was back.

Emma looked so small in front of her, and Regina wanted to scoop her up again in her arms and block the rest of the world out. Make it so nothing could hurt them. None of this would be real and they could be happy…together. Emma’s face was blotchy and eyes bloodshot. Eyes that did not look at her now. They too were taking in the items surrounding them; though Regina could see it. Could see the stance and expression Emma often gave when around her mother. The look of the little girl within wanting approval. Emma was scared of the answer she was about to give, and it terrified the brunette.

The former sheriff licked her lips slightly before she spoke, though her address was to an old sweater to Regina’s right. “About two weeks before…I left” the blonde said seemingly to struggle with the concept of expressing her departure. Regina knew Emma had left there was no need to skirt around it. Though now she knew why…

“I was working in the office and then suddenly I had Ruby standing over me. I’d passed out” Emma explained and Regina felt her stomach flip. Two weeks… Regina knew about the headaches but even the morning ritual of vomiting had only taken place in the final week. “She took me to see Whale. He took blood. He thought it might have been Anaemia, and thought it might have been a stress related ulcer or something like that” her former lover continued now talking to her hands which she was now mindlessly fidgeting.

Emma paused for a moment, almost considering her next words. She lightly worried her bottom lip before she said gently “He realised however that I’d actually had a seizure …”

“God Emma” Regina exclaimed without thought. Emma’s eyes rose to hers sadly flickered with what looked like shame. Why hadn’t she fucking told her? Why had she tried to act normal when Regina could see there was something wrong? Why had she run, when she clearly needed help?

Emma’s eyes lowered again and Regina felt a rush of remorse. The other woman had clearly seen her emotion upon her face. She was just trying to make sense of it. All of it. It was senseless!

“The tests came back saying some level was high, so he took even more blood to rule things out. But he was mainly looking for cancer markers” the fair haired woman explained. Regina felt her own brow crease, there was that word. That word Regina didn’t quite understand yet. Cancer was something she’d heard of, of course but it wasn’t one she expected to encounter so intimately. Emma’s gaze rose once again to meet hers. 

“Those are proteins which are present if your body is fighting cancer” the blonde clarified sensing Regina’s confusion; though misinterpreting its origin.  “He then took an MRI and CT. He called me into his office the day before I left” Emma finished, sliding down to now be sitting firmly on the cold kitchen floor.

“That’s why you were late” Regina said softly as the memory hit her along with the realisation.

“Yeah” Emma said gently with slight nod. “He said I needed a biopsy. So he made an appointment with a specialist in Boston” the younger woman continued though now seemed to be almost refusing to look away from Regina. The brunette couldn’t help the grimace; both at the thought of Emma receiving a biopsy, and the word. The other word apart from Emma’s name, Regina had all but banned from her life. Boston. The place that had caused her so much pain; and yet it appeared unknowingly to Regina to have caused so much happiness too. Without it the woman she loved wouldn’t be sitting in front of her.

The woman gave her a small but sad smile. Emma understood Regina’s reaction. Emma really did know her better than anyone else ever had. “He said he was pretty sure I had a GBM … which stands for Glioblastoma Multiforme” she explained clearly as if to make sure Regina understood everything. It took a moment of consideration that Emma had had to understand and learn all these terms on her own. She had had no guiding hand, much like the one gently resting upon Regina’s knee. She had been completely alone. “But he wasn’t sure… hoped it wasn’t because they’re rare” Emma continued.

“Why?” Regina asked quietly. At the look of slight confusion on other woman’s face the brunette continued, “Surely none would be better”.

She saw Emma’s signature smile spread across her lips. Even though it was diluted by the tear filled eyes; it still made Regina’s head spin and feel…safe. Emma swallowed gently giving a small flick of her hair to rid her face of it. She watched as the smile slipped and tear fell. Regina could see Emma had been fighting all of this too long and it seemed she’d all but given up. “It was clear that I had cancer Regina…that wasn’t a question at that point” Emma explained, entwining their fingers together now. Emma’s hand felt like ice against her own. “Different types are treated differently, managed differently and they vary in survival rate” the saviour continued, gently squeezing Regina’s hand. 

Survival rate. The nausea returned with a jolt. Survival rates…how had they gotten to this place? How had they gone from promises of a happily ever after to the likelihood of Emma’s survival? This couldn’t be happening…it couldn’t be real; but it was. The fingertips dancing across the back of her hand were the blunt reminder that this was real. It was very real and all she could do is sit, open mouthed staring at her love in disbelief.

“Was it that kind?” Regina asked softly; not entirely sure she wanted the answer. All she had wanted for over three months was answers. Here Emma was with all the answers to any question she had, and she didn’t want them. She wanted the calming bliss of innocence. Yet she knew … she knew she needed all her questions answering.

“Yeah” Emma answered thickly, and even looked apologetic at her answer. “The biopsy was done in the first few days. The specialist who I literally only saw that once, did more blood tests, another CT, chest X-ray to see if it had spread” the blonde explained, and Regina could feel the blonde practically counting off the tests against her own hand. “He checked my vision, my hearing.  But yeah it was a GBM” the blonde said with a small nod. Emma had been poke and prodded. She had had so many tests done, yet another reason Regina couldn’t deny the words from the other woman’s mouth.

“What’s a GBM’s rate?” Regina asked carefully. She couldn’t say nor ask about the survival rate. The idea of it was crushing her. She had to know the facts. She could digest what they all meant once she knew; once she understood what it all meant.

Emma’s glistening eyes flickered upwards; and Regina felt her stomach plummet. Her heart was beating faster within her chest though she was sure it was trying to strangle her, as her throat tightened at the defeated look in her lover’s eyes.

Through her own tears she saw the former sheriff chewed her bottom lip before she answered shakily, “Without treatment…” The dark green eyes lowered to hers once again and with a shaking lip; a sure indication of the tears that were about to fall, Emma continued, “Whale told me about four months from when it first starts to form”.

The brunette heard her own gasp though had no recollection of the decision to make the noise. Emma had been unwell for about a month before she’d left, that was over four months ago. Oh god…

“He wasn’t sure how far a long I was” the other woman explained, as more tears fell down her fair cheeks. All Regina wanted to do was swipe them away and tell Emma everything was going to be okay. Expect she didn’t know that. In fact in this very moment she had never known less or been so unsure of anything in her whole life. “It’s one of the problems with GBM they’re fast and so Whale hoped it wasn’t a GBM because they grew fast often before producing the symptoms” Emma continued. It was now Regina’s fingers soothing Emma’s skin. The change was small, almost unnoticeable.

“You got treatment right? So it’s longer … I mean you’re still…” Regina stammered unable to say the words. This wasn’t meant to be happening; Emma was thirty years old for god sake. Her body wasn’t meant to just give up and start attacking itself.

“Alive?” the other woman asked sympathetically. The slight head tilt told Regina, Emma had long come to terms with her fate. A fate that should have never been hers. “Yeah…with successful treatment the rate for a grade four goes up to about fifteen months” Emma continued carefully though her small smile was anything but joyful.

Fifteen months? That’s just over a year. That had been four…five months ago. Emma could have less than a year left. Less than a year with Henry and her. God this wasn’t happening. None of this was making sense in Regina’s head and yet it was fitting together perfectly.

“But you’re okay now though …. Right?” Regina asked timidly, the presence of hope was undeniable. Emma had to be okay. Sure some people with a successful treatment only had fifteen months, but this was Emma. Emma was the saviour and could beat anything. She was the person Regina was meant to be spending the rest of her life with, she couldn’t just go. She couldn’t just stop existing. She had to stay alive!

A dark look seemed to move across the blonde’s face before she spoke again. “We knew complete resection was going to be near impossible; they were never going to get the whole thing. They managed to get about sixty percent” Emma explained a little too calmly. Resection? What did that mean? Once again Regina was hit the realisation of how much Emma had been through since she’d walked away that day. The amount she had had to learn and absorb in such a short time. And sixty percent? That was bad right? It was more than half…which was good?

“They tried Radiotherapy that didn’t work at all; I think it might have been getting blocked by my magic” Emma continued, the hand not clasped in her own was gesturing almost erratically with each spoken sentence. Magic had stopped the cure. Regina had long since learnt that magic did not hold all the answers but she hadn’t known a sorceress’ own magic to hinder their own ability to heal. 

“Then they tried something called Temozolomide; it’s a type of chemotherapy medication” the younger woman clarified. Regina guessed her feeling of utter confusion must have been showing on her face. “That just made me tired and have mass headaches. I couldn’t eat anything not that I wanted to anyway, it made everything taste like metal” Emma continued with a look of disgust on her face at the memories locked away in her own head. It seemed as if the supposed cures and medications had done just as much damage as the illness itself. “But basically that didn’t work either. Ended up getting an infection and going back into hospital” Emma finished with a deep breath.

Infection? That was very bad. Medication wasn’t mean to make you sicker than you already were. Regina’s brain was trying to connect everything Emma had just said. So was she better? On her way to being better? The operation had worked, not as well as they had hoped but better than they had expected…right? The second two hadn’t worked, but the first being a success was good news and meant good things. Didn’t it?

“Emma…I’m sorry but I don’t know what all that means” Regina said tentatively. She felt Emma’s hand slip out of her and watched as the other woman brought her knees to her chin, hugging her legs to her chest. The gesture was one of defeat and retreat, and Regina thought she knew why. But she needed to hear it. She needed to hear Emma say the words. Only she was begging her not to.

“Sorry…dealing with the facts has been easier than all this” Emma’s muffled sniffle sounded from the mess of limbs. The sound of it broke Regina’s heart.  Regina’s vision clouded once again as a fresh batch of scorching tears filled from her eyes. Despite her tears she could see Emma’s body shaking with silent sobs. Without thought she was up on her knees and crawled the fresh made distance between them. Reaching for Emma, Regina engulfed the younger woman in her arms allowing her head to rest against the newly shorn locks.

She tried. She really tried to stop the tears from falling but they wouldn’t follow her brain’s command. The harder she tried the more forcefully they fell. Somewhere in the middle of comforting Emma she felt the blonde’s hand take her own once again, though the blonde did not seem to move. The grip was vicelike and almost as painful as the pressure upon her chest. “It’s okay” Regina reassured, though which of the two women she was trying to reassure she didn’t know.

The sob that followed was Emma’s first audible sound and it made Regina tighten heart sharply within her chest and stomach heave. “No” Emma cried, holding the brunette’s hand in a bruising grip. “No. I’m not okay Regina. Very far it” she sobbed, her head shaking so violently Regina had to move to not be hit. It was then she realised her grip upon her love’s hand was just as great as the one being forced upon her; as if both were afraid to let go. “It’s growing fast”, the saviour added sounding so small and void of hope it made Regina’s whole world spin off kilter.

“So…what does…” Regina asked, though her question and thought process was cut short why the raise of Emma’s head and look of absolute devastation upon her face. Her eyes almost seemed to empty of all emotion except sorrow and guilt. Both that were aimed directly at her; and she knew without doubt what Emma’s answer would be to her unspoken question.

Emma gave a small nod though to what the former Queen was unsure of.  “I’m dying Regina. I don’t know the exact moment but its coming” Emma sobbed thickly.  Her voice was so fragmented it was nearly impossible to understand, though the meaning was painfully and undeniably clear.

Regina felt her guttural sob rack through her so painfully it felt as if her chest was on fire. The hand that rose to clamp around her mouth only just masked the sound. “ _I’m dying_ ”. Her own hand was no use as a barricade against her body vibrations as the words kept repeating in Regina’s head. As the words screamed at her from inside her own head and she could do nothing to stop them. She could feel the tears burning their way down her skin, as she fought the urge to empty her stomach of the meal she’d eaten hours ago. All she could feel was the burn of alcohol and bile within her throat, as her vision blurred and threatened to blacken completely.

She saw the pain…and the guilt shining from Emma’s eyes. She could see her love’s lip quivering and wanted so badly to capture it. Capture it and lose herself in the feel of Emma’s lips against hers; and forget it all. Forget. God. Her insides were writhing in agony. This was their reality now. After everything Regina had done to get her happy ending, she’d been allowed to feel it. Touch it. Enjoy it. But only for a while, before it was snatched away for her. From Emma. God…Emma was dying. Why was Emma being punished for her past? It should be Regina that suffers, not Emma. She wanted desperately to take it away. She wanted to make it okay. To make Emma be okay, but she couldn’t.

“Regina?” Emma asked gently her voice still thick with emotion. The younger woman in front of her sounded so far away as if the former Mayor were listening to her through a thick fog. Emma’s lips moved, though the noise seemed to take an age to reach her, and longer still for Regina’s bewildered up brain to register its meaning. She couldn’t speak and her brain wasn’t trying making the effort to try. It didn’t seem to even remember it was meant to be letting Regina breath because the feeling of lead upon her chest was getting worse.

“Regina…” Emma said again though this time her voice sounded more scared than sorrowful. It was subtle. The change in expression; it was small, so small if Regina didn’t know Emma so well she may have missed it. Emma was scared. “I’m sorry” the former Sheriff said, her eyes were riddled with guilt. Guilt she felt because she’d hurt Regina with her revelation. She now understood what Emma had meant. Emma leaving had hurt. The pain had been unbearable Regina had thought. But it was nothing on this. Nothing on the thought…no the knowledge that the person who loved, the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with…the person who was meant to be standing next to her for the rest of their lives watching their son grow up; was dying and she couldn’t do anything to stop it. She had no control.

The brunette opened her mouth to offer some sort of comfort but there was none. All she could do was shake her head slightly and hope Emma understood. No words could make it better. There were no promises or bargains to be made. There were no enchantments that she knew of. She had been the Evil Queen surely if there were such a spell she would know of it. There were no magic words to cure Emma … were there?

“What about magic …?” she asked, her voice sounding hoarse. Emma looked relieved to hear Regina finally speak though brunette knew whatever answer she was about to be given would not make her feel any better.

“I went to Gold when Whale first told me what he thought it might be…” Emma explained her voice so guff it sounded as if she had swallowed gravel. Gold. She’d been to see Gold about this? On her own? Did she have a death wish? Regina’s eyes slid shut at the thought. God this couldn’t … no this should not be happening!

“Gold? Emma…” Regina reprimand. How could she have been so stupid? That little imp wouldn’t have helped Emma, and even if he had all magic came at a price. What price would he have demanded from her? What leverage would he have gained over the saviour? God what unspeakable deeds could he have gotten to her to promise? Regina should have gone. If she had known she would have gone and tried to make a deal with the man. She would have endured anything for this woman. If only Emma had told her, instead of doing this all on her own. The stupid woman!

“I know” Emma replied easily. Yes she did know. She knew how foolhardy going to Gold had been. But the look the saviour was giving her, and clammy hand in hers confirmed what she already knew. Emma was sitting upon her kitchen floor almost skin and bones, with a cancerous tumour riddling her brain; because there was nothing that could have been done.

“He couldn’t do anything. No deal was made because there was nothing he could do” Emma explained, her tone was one of almost reassurance. Regina understood the blonde was trying to assure her no price had been paid, which was good; except the only bit that really registered was that Gold hadn’t been able to do anything. The Dark One had been unsuccessful.

Only that didn’t make any sense. Henry had spent time, though it was limited, with his father in the last three months. Surely Gold would have told his son, about Emma’s … predicament? If nothing else to enable Neal to prepare Henry for what sounded like the inevitable outcome. Only Henry had always kept his unwavering faith in his birthmother’s return. “Henry has spent time with Neal…Why didn’t Gold tell him?” Regina asked gently.

Emma nodded gently with a humourless smile; it almost looked like an effort to even do that. “I threaten to tell Neal that he had tried to make a deal with me if he told” Emma explained. “Gold tried and failed to do…something. Because he failed he said there was no “charge”, but really he did it for Neal”, Emma continued softly.

“You shouldn’t have gone to Gold Emma. You should have come to me” Regina said hearing the plea in the tone; as if begging could change things now. “We could have found a cure together…we still could!” Regina suggested naively, despite knowing it was hopeless. How could they just give up? How could Regina just give up on Emma? On the live they were meant to share? This couldn’t just be it. This couldn’t be the end.

She watched as Emma lifted their clasping hands to her lips and placed a gently kiss upon Regina’s knuckles. The former Queen couldn’t hold back the sob at the gesture. The brunette easily slipped her hand up to cup Emma’s cheek. The soft skin felt cold but clammy beneath her fingertips as she wiped away the endless stream of tears.

The smile that was thrown in her direction was a sorrowful one. Regina knew it was hopeless to think maybe they could do something, but hope was all she had left. Once again and not for the first time this evening their last argument came back to her with a loud resounding bang. Emma had asked Regina what was left here in Storybrooke because she had such little hope left. The only option she had was to go to Boston; but she did not have to go alone.

“Whale hadn’t confirmed it, and I didn’t want to worry you if it was just something like Anaemia. By the time we knew for sure, I already knew there wasn’t some magical cure. For once science was the only option to me” Emma explained regretfully.  The saviour’s hand had risen to join hers against the blonde’s cheek. Regina felt helpless. She felt useless and there was nothing she could do for the woman that held her heart.

“So you left” Regina supplied easily though not without the painful throb to her chest. She felt despair and anger; she hated not having control. She hated feeling powerless. She felt anger at Emma and her decisions. She felt anger at life and the shit hand she’d been dealt yet again. Surely she should have found the aces in the deck by now. She had thought she’d finally been dealt the winning hand, only for life to call her bluff.

“Yes” Emma replied her voice cracking considerably.  

“We deserved that time Emma” the former Queen replied her own speech mirroring her lover’s so easily. Three months. They had wasted three months of Emma’s reducing time left. Emma had run and robbed them of it. Henry had only know his birthmother for under three years; while Regina had been stupid and hesitant of getting up her heart and soul. If only she’d been braver, if only she’d spoken up sooner; they would have had more time. Time she needed now. This couldn’t be it for them. This couldn’t be all they got.

“Henry and I deserved it. It wasn’t your decision” Regina continued unable to hold back the resentment in her voice. She felt Emma’s warm tears fall over her fingertips. She pulled her hand away; momentarily surprised at Emma’s submission to the gesture. The easy submission made Regina’s heart clench; because it showed how much Emma had already pulled away. It also showed how much she wasn’t ready to let go because here she was right in front of her with tears rolling down her face, no longer the need to try and stop the flow.

“I made a decision, the only damn thing I had any control over” Emma said with the hint of bitterness. She could see Emma was just as angry at the world as she was, and it wasn’t difficult to understand why. Much like Regina Emma liked control. Neither of their lives had ever given them much. Regina had taken it. She had taken what power and control she could get her hands on and used it. Emma had not. Emma simply gave up; sure she had gotten out of the foster system and put various roofs over her head. But power…it was something Emma had striven for and only recently gained. It was something that a relationship with Regina had helped her receive. According to Emma, it was something that she had chosen. Falling in love with Regina had been a pointless and futile battle, but being with her…that had been her choice.

“My life was falling apart and I choose to not share that with you and Henry” Emma continued her voice carrying loudly despite the short distance between them. The words made her ache. The ache was so deep she felt it in her soul. She knew Emma had thought she had done the right thing, or maybe she didn’t because here she was; but Emma believed she had done what was best. Except it wasn’t. It wasn’t what was best. Running away was not what was best. Not telling Regina what was happening to her; what could happen…that was not what was best. She could understand not wanting to tell Henry, he was only thirteen but she should have told her. Give her time to adjust…to prepare. Her heart was pounding and she felt like she was going to have a heart attack. Or pass out. Or both. Both seemed very possible right now.

She stood. The ascent seemed to be in slow motion and she felt as if she were travelling through something thick. Something that was stopping her movements and making them sluggish. She saw the look of hurt in Emma’s eyes and couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it. There was nothing she could do. Not one fucking thing. Emma was dying and all she could do was watch. Watching was better however than not knowing. At least now she knew what was coming. Emma had given her that now. The things they could have done…could have seen. They could have done anything in the last three months.

“You had no right do that. We should have been there with you” Regina chided, looking down into the saddest eyes she’d ever seen. Her voice did not carry the anger she felt, only disappointment. She was used to feeling anger; but this? This anger had no release. No desire for revenge or destruction; only desperation and fear. Fear of what was to come, sadness what could have been.

Emma swayed dangerously as she rose to stand level with Regina. The brunette fought the urge to throw out an arm to stand the young woman but the glare she received as she made to move told her to stay put. Emma had said Regina would feel look at her differently once she knew, and Regina was proving her right. God the urge to protect the woman she loved that she always carried with her, had never been stronger.

“To do what?” Emma barked at her though Regina heard the suppressed cry. “Sit there and hold my hand. Tell me how everything was going to be okay” the former sheriff added sarcastically. Nevertheless she heard the despair in Emma’s voice, the feeling that so mirrored her own it broke Regina’s heart.

“Yes!” Regina exclaimed and she saw Emma’s eyes slide shut slowly as more tears fell. It was exactly what Regina was meant to have been doing. She was meant to have been holding Emma’s hand and telling her it would be okay. She was meant to be have been the crutch that held the young woman up on the days she was about to give up. She was meant to have been there encouraging her reminding her of all the things she had left to fight for. To give her hope. “I was supposed to be there for you Emma. Support you so you didn’t have to go through it alone” she finished heavily.

She saw the Emma Swan head tilt, and the widened of watery green eyes. She knew. Regina knew she wasn’t going to win. She knew she was right, Emma could not have left without her. She knew she should have been there right next to Emma through it all. She knew why Emma had denied her of it, and part of her hated her for it. She wanted to scream, cry and lash out at the woman. She just wanted to cry.

“Regina …” Emma aspirated softly moving forward towards her.  The shake of the blonde head only made her angrier; only it was with herself not Emma. She hadn’t been able to protect her. Hadn’t been able to look after her when she had needed her most. She had seen the damage Emma was doing to herself and did nothing.

“I was a mess. I couldn’t have put you through that, and I most certainly couldn’t but Henry though it.” Emma explained softly as she reached out a hand to Regina’s forearm. The fact she had thought so deeply about their son in this, while it did not surprise her, it did warm her heart. “All that pain and … god looking after me when there was a very large chance it wouldn’t work…I couldn’t” the gaunt woman explained and Regina could see the fallen tears glistening against her skin in the artificial light above them. Emma’s tone was one of pleading. She was pleading with Regina to understand her point of view…understand her actions and sadly she did. She didn’t like them and would never condone them, but she understood.

“But you’re home now …” Regina whispered gently; and couldn’t help the slight smile at the phrase. Emma had said it only thirty or so minutes ago. Home. Regina had been wrong. This truly was Emma’s home. The only place she belonged. With her and Henry….forever.

“I told you I was being selfish” Emma said the hint of disgust at herself was very evident. The dark flatness of the tone scared Regina.

“You should have come home Emma…” Regina implored tenderly.  “You shouldn’t have left”, she added firmly and saw Emma unmistakably fight the urge to roll her eyes, though the gesture never came. Regina had waited. She had sat and waited that night Emma had left, expecting her to come home. It was simply a fight and Emma would see reason and come home. Regina had lain in bed watching the minutes and hours tick by, shivering with a chill that had nothing to do with the empty sheets around her. She had waited; and here was her reward.

“I kept expecting you to realise what a mistake you were making, and come home. Realise what you were leaving behind” Regina admitted sheepishly and felt Emma’s thumb move to rub her arm. It was almost soothing.

“Regina… I knew”, Emma confessed. A confession that did nothing for Regina’s aching heart. “I knew exactly what I was leaving behind and it was agony. Every day, it hurt me” the blonde continued her voice once again filling with the same emotion that occupied her eyes and caused tears. “I rang Mom because it was safe. I could …I could lie to her and not feel so guilty” she explained, her tongue sliding against her bottom lip in a nervous manner. She’d rang Snow knowing she could lie to her. Regina had envied her former step-daughter over the last three months. She had had almost constant contact with Emma and she had had none. It had all been a lie however.

“Then it became about Henry hearing my stories. Mom always said how excited he got at hearing them. I was still his hero” her love continued her tone momentarily content, almost happy. “I wasn’t… I wasn’t the mother who had abandoned him…yet again” Emma added her voice full of remorse. Regina instantly felt regret. Regret at the accusations she had fired at Emma that day in the Sheriff’s office. She’d accused Emma of abandoning Henry, and watched as Emma recoiled at the words as if she’d been burnt. God…this was why.

“I couldn’t have talked to you… I couldn’t have lied to you. I couldn’t have heard your voice and not told you” the other woman said with a vigorous shake of her head; and Regina watched as the movement seemed to make the freshly made tears splash off the fair skin. She wanted to make the pain stop; and the tears to stop falling. Emma hadn’t called her to shield her from the truth.

“It would have all come out and me trying to protect you would have been for nothing. I had to stay in Boston … I couldn’t just disrupt your and Henry’s life like that” Emma finished her voice much higher in pitch than when she’d started. Not having Emma in their lives had made everything move at a snail’s pace. Despite Regina belief that Emma wouldn’t come back, she had hoped she would. Henry’s ideas of his other mother being their white knight had given him the reassurance she would return to them. They had both been waiting, both putting their life on hold for the day she would walk back through their front door.

“Our lives were already disrupted … god Emma you weren’t here” Regina spat in desperation for Emma to understand. “It felt like you were…all the time” she whined gently and felt Emma nearing her frame with her own. “Every day it was painful reminder that you walked away. You were meant to be here and you weren’t” the brunette exclaimed sharply though she could feel her anger ebbing away. The feel of Emma’s body against hers often had that effect on her. One day she could be able to be mad and stay mad at this woman without Emma using her weakness against her. Her weakness being Emma herself.

“I mean what if you’d… How would we have known? When we got a phone call from a stranger asking for us to claim your body” Regina finished as a sob shook her forcefully. She’d said the word. A “body” that would be all Emma was to the world. Another person who had walked the Earth not leaving much of a mark on the planet. But to Regina, Henry, her parents she was everything. To the people of Storybrooke she was their saviour. She was irreplaceable.

“Regina…” Emma whispered leaning further into her frame. The warmth of body did nothing to calm her now. It was only a stark reminder of what was to come; what was unavoidable.

“No!” Regina screamed feeling as if an invisible force was trying to suffocate her. “I was meant to be protecting you. I couldn’t do that because I didn’t know!” she continued as fresh scorching tears spilled her eyes. Emma was broken beyond repair and there was nothing she could do about it. The blonde had been falling apart and all Regina had tried to do was cover it with a Band-Aid and hoped it would go away. She had been trying to damn hard to hate this woman since the day she left, and now all this was happening. “I’ve spent the last three months cursing your name… I didn’t know!” Regina sobbed forcefully.

Everything she’d thought about this woman over the last three months. Oh god the last voice mail…she’d said she didn’t care, told her not to come back. She almost hadn’t and it wouldn’t have been Emma’s fault. She could have died and that would have their last interaction. The last words Emma had heard her say. The last words Regina would have said to the woman she loved more than anyone, other than their son, would have been words of hatred and pain. They had been words fuelled only by anger and alcohol. Everything was falling apart and she couldn’t keep the pieces together; all that was happening were her fingers…her heart and soul were being ripped to shreds.

“I didn’t want to burden you” Emma whispered sadly. Her lover was anything but a burden. It would have been an honour and privilege she would have taken without thought. She would have been the rock Emma needed her to be. She would be that now. She wasn’t going anywhere. “I didn’t want to put you through it all. I needed you to be here and be strong. I needed to know that Henry would be taken care of” Emma said her voice now filled with an almost saddening determination.  She had needed to know because she didn’t know if she’d come back alive. Her love and clear need to protect their little boy made her heart skip while only serving to make her feel worse. Emma hadn’t been thinking of herself as Regina had believed.

“I couldn’t have either of you seeing me like that. None of this is your fault” the saviour reassured her gently.

“Yes it is!” she retorted sharply.  “I should have known. I could see it Emma. You were wasting away in front of me and I just … I was angry with you” Regina continued disbelievingly. Emma believed by coming back she had been selfish, then it had been her, her being the selfish one.”I was angry because you weren’t … You were here and I could see it, and I didn’t do anything” she said through gritted teeth. The anger was back, but this time it was anger at herself. She’d let this happen.  “I let you pretend everything was okay. I was so worried for you and I just …” Regina swept now clinging to Emma as much as she had been her.

“Regina … please stop” Emma pleaded, resting her forehead against Regina’s. Emma breath danced across her face, and it felt almost normal. Mundane. Something they should be doing for the rest of their lives.

“You were meant to be here Emma. You are meant to be here with me and Henry” the brunette said now sobbing harder than ever. “I love you so much, you can’t d…” Regina declared before she felt Emma’s lips cutting off her speech. They moved effortless against her own. Every tilt of Regina’s head, Emma followed; pushing her into the table behind her, pressing herself into her length. This was where Emma was meant to be, where she was meant to have been. She wasn’t meant to be in Boston or…

Emma pulled away and she heard her own groan at the loss of contact. She needed it. She needed Emma. She needed to feel her against her. Feel that she was still here. Still with her.

“Please” Regina whimpered gently. She couldn’t deal with this. None of this. She wanted to forget. She wanted to get lost in Emma’s touch, the smell of her hair and the warmth of skin. She wanted to forget and pretend that none of this was happening. She wanted to pretend that they had forever and every day to wake up next to each other. She wanted to pretend that she wouldn’t need to tell their son that his moments with his other mother were coming to an end. She wanted to pretend they had the rest of their lives to be happy. It was her fairy tale, only this one wouldn’t come true. But for tonight she would have it. 

She watched as Emma’s eyes roamed her face as if seeing any hint of hesitation. Or maybe she was debating whether this was a good idea or not. Emma’s eyes landed upon her lips several times before she made the move. Before she seized Regina’s mouth with her own, with a kiss that made Regina’s knees weak. With only Emma’s body keeping her up, she gave up the fight and forgot…if only for tonight. 


	8. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

**Author** : Calliope-plantain

**Rating:**  M

**Pairing:** Regina/Emma

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

**Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

**Author's Note:** Last chapter before Christmas – not sure when I’ll update!

**Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she’s missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)

_“The next heart you crush will be mine” – 45-Spacer._

The lips against hers felt like heaven. The table that she was being forced into felt like hell; one she would accept for the former. Emma’s lips felt the same as they always had. They tasted the same too. The feel of the blonde skin beneath her fingertips made her heart sing and flesh buzz just the same. The body flushed against hers as always made her brain fog and pulse race. She delighted in the on slaughter of sensations being forced upon her; and seized each of them willing.

She felt Emma shiver as their lips and teeth danced their usual dance; and tongues fought their age old battle.  Regina felt Emma’s grip on her forearm tighten as if she were worried she’d pull away. Even if she wanted to, Emma effectively had her pinned in place. There was nowhere else in this world, or any other she’d rather be.

It was Emma who pulled away for a second time though this time rested her forehead against Regina’s. Her breathe was hard, heavy and quick against Regina’s face. It mirrored Regina’s as she tried to gulp in as much oxygen as possible. She did not need to breathe or feel the drum of her heart within her chest. She needed Emma. She needed the feel of her skin; taste of lips and to know she was safe.

“Upstairs?” Regina asked softly and felt Emma nod against her. Opening her eyes she realised the blonde was watching her with hesitance in her eyes. Tears clung to the dark eyelashes and it was only then, that the brunette saw the dark shadows beneath her lover’s eyes. They even looked slightly sunken, only making the fair face seem gaunter than it had when Regina had first noticed Emma’s weight loss. She didn’t want to think about it. She wanted to lose herself in her fantasy in which everything was okay. And so she moved from the hard table digging into her spine, and pulled her partner with her, ignoring the look of uncertainty in the dark soulful eyes. 

The ascent was slower and more deliberate than the last time Regina had guided Emma upstairs behind her, three months ago. So much had changed since then, both Emma and she had changed considerably. Yet the house around them still felt the same; as did the hand held firmly in hers and the love she felt for the woman who followed her without question.

The door was opened with considered care, not with the force which had caused the scuff marks upon the wall behind it during their last night together. Regina hadn’t the heart or the stomach to remove them. Seeing them daily had given her the edge to be angry at the woman who had stopped just in the door way causing Regina to pause as well.

Turning she saw what she thought was fear in the blonde’s eyes. What was there for her to be afraid of? She was safe in this room, just as she always had been. The rest of the world did not matter. The world outside could crumple and fall, and it would not affect them in here. It was only them, standing in their bedroom.

Regina moved their clasped hands to her hip as she moved forward. She felt Emma automatically taking hold of her, and fought back a genuine smile. No matter what was happening around them, Emma’s touch soothed her. While the emerald eyes looked scared and unsure the strong, lone hand upon her hip felt sure and assertive.

Regina stepped forward with what she hoped was a reassuring smile before moving to kiss the blonde. The lips under hers responded immediately; yet another thing that had not change. Regina was clinging to the things that would never change, that could prove almost that none of this was happening. Denial would not be her friend, but it powered her movements and desires.

The kiss was not about dominance. Neither fought for it, nor wanted it. It was about connection and intimacy. The mouth that swept over hers seemed to mould perfectly against her offering lips. Regina trailed her tongue slightly against Emma’s mouth and felt her easy submission to the invading muscle. Some things really never changed. The older woman could easily hear both of their hitched breaths and small moans as their tongues slid effortlessly against each other in their well-practiced dance.

Regina felt Emma’s hand move to take hold of her head, possibly to speed the kiss along…to deepen it. Before the other woman could grasp the back of Regina’s head, she tugged on the hem of Emma’s top. The blonde let out a disappointed groan at the move. It got louder still when the top went over her head forcing them apart.

Glancing down she allowed herself to look at her partner’s body. It was the body she knew so well and yet it was so much smaller than it used to be. While Emma wasn’t skin and bones, Regina could see her ribcage more than usual and her collar bone seemed that little more obvious. She was still as beautiful and perfect as she always had been, and yet the stark evidence in front of her made it that much harder to ignore. She couldn’t look.

Emma hadn’t noticed her lover’s wandering eyes as the offending top was ripped from her and Regina took the offered lips eagerly as soon as they were available. The kiss changed. It became rough and needy, and Regina realised almost instantly it was her who was fuelling the kiss. Emma was simply following suit. The hand that finally took a hold of the back of Regina’s head, pulling in her tighter, however was all Emma.

They swayed slightly as Regina moved to take off her dress. It was going to be a back zipped removal Emma would miss, though the way Emma seemed to cling to her, Regina doubted she’d mind this once. The dress pooled at her feet, and as she tried to step backwards both women stumbled back; Regina’s foot caught in the dress. Regina couldn’t help but smile at Emma’s bewildered expression as it was Emma who’d caught the vanity and Regina’s waist to stop them from falling completely to the ground.

She grinned further at the laugh that followed. If she could make Emma laugh like that again she’d be happy. Emma seemed to scoop her up, almost in a reversed dip; always her protector. Always the saviour.

Once they were on equal footing again Regina kicked the item of clothing away and was momentarily thankful it didn’t try to take her down again, but instead flew across to the side. It was with a smile upon both their lips they met again, Regina still pulling Emma the rest of the way to the bed. Their bed? Was it their bed again?

When she felt her now exposed calf hit the bottom of the bed, she sat down and tried to pull the woman down with her only to be met by resistance. “Stop! Wait…Wait” Emma said trying to pull away from her, managing to only rest her hands upon the bed at either side of Regina’s thighs.

“No”, was Regina’s simple reply. She didn’t want to wait. She wanted this, and she wanted it now. She’d waited. She’d not waited for over three months, for it to be taken away now. She needed this. She needed it now. She tried to seize Emma’s mouth again, only for the other woman to dodge out of the way at the last second.

“Regina I need to tell you something” Emma replied almost pleadingly and she saw the look. The same look she’d seen downstairs. The one of desperation and guilt.

“No” Regina said this time more forcefully. “I don’t _want_ to know” she continued feeling her heart rise to her mouth. She didn’t want to know, whatever it was. She did not want Emma to ruin this, any of this. She wanted the bliss in the ignorance.  Emma’s last confessions had destroyed her. She wasn’t strong enough for more.

“Regina…” the blonde pleaded, once again evading Regina’s advances.

“Please. It can wait till tomorrow” the older woman pleaded back. Why didn’t Emma understand, she needed this. She needed to escape their reality. She just wanted to pretend for a little while. She just wanted to be happy.

Emma looked back at her with big sad eyes. They tell her that Emma doesn’t think it can wait …or she doesn’t want to. If it was another apology it could wait; if it was worse…it could wait because she didn’t want to hear it. Not yet.

Looking at the alarm clock at the head of the bed she saw it was just after eleven o’clock. Tomorrow was coming whether she liked it or not. She could not freeze time, nor could she lock the rest of the world out. The time would come and they would have to face all this head on. But not yet. God just not yet. Turning her head back to the blonde, Regina knew she was pleading her with her eyes. “Hours…it can wait hours. Please Emma let us forget…be happy” she breathed hearing her tone threatening to break.

It was the coward’s way out, it was unhealthy for both of them and Regina didn’t care. She couldn’t deal with any of this right now. She wanted to lose herself in the woman she loved, and maybe Emma could too. Tomorrow…tomorrow they could be rational and would probably fight because Regina still felt the anger and the upset. They’d throw things and shout, and hug and cry; try and figure what to do next. Tomorrow…it could wait until tomorrow.

She heard Emma’s shuddering breath, and allowed her eyes to fall. Take in the blonde’s body. From this angle she realised her eyes had deceived her. Yes Emma’s weight loss was still obvious, but it didn’t look so…sickly. She simply looked as if she’d lost some weight and muscle tone. It wasn’t that bad.

Lifting her gaze once again, it connected with its green twin. Emma was looking at her with a look of curiosity; though the look of guilt still lingered. She watched as the younger woman swallowed gently, and eyes flickered for an instant. But she saw the moment when she’d won the battle; when Emma gave her the smallest of nods. She had won the battle, but not the war…and she knew it. 

Regina pulled on Emma’s belt buckle loop hard, causing the woman to literally crash into her. Both landed haphazardly upon the bed, and she heard the other woman’s gasp of surprise and felt a pop upon her hand. A gasp Regina echoed when Emma sat back up, and she realised she’d just ripped the belt buckle loop. She couldn’t help but half lay, resting on her forearms and just looking at the damaged jeans open mouthed; causing Emma to look down in confusion. A disgruntled noise fell from Emma’s lips as she took in the damage.

“I’m sorry!” Regina exclaimed, only to be surprised when the look of annoyance upon Emma’s face fell away completely to one of a small smile. A smile Regina couldn’t help but return. A ripped belt loop was not the end of the world.

The brunette shuffled backwards to the head of the bed, her eyes never leaving Emma’s. When she felt the pillows against her bare back, she gestured with one finger for her lover to join her. For a moment it looked as if Emma was going to change her mind. For a moment Regina held her breath.

It was one she let go, as Emma crawled the distance between them. Crawled right over the top of her and seized her mouth in a bruising kiss. It took her breath away. Despite its forcefulness the hand that wasn’t holding the woman up, gently traced down her throat and came to rest on her shoulder with absolute care.

Regina gasped followed by a moan as Emma lowered herself to her forearm, causing her body to fall into Regina’s. Skin on skin…jeans pressed into underwear. Regina wasn’t sure what she missed most. The taste of Emma’s lips against her own, as the blonde’s tongue brushed Regina’s lips seeking entrance. She gave it instantly. Or the feel of Emma’s body against her own, as younger woman rocked into her ever so gently starting to build the pressure inside of her. Or was it the smell that was uniquely the woman above her that drove her wild.

No she’d missed it all. She craved it all. Needed it more than ever. Their breathing was hitched as they broke for air. Feeling Emma panting against her… moving against her felt incredible. Regina groaned deeply when Emma palmed her bra cladded breast, only being silenced by Emma’s mouth upon hers again. She could feel Emma’s thumb nail being dragged across her now sensitive nipple; and heard her own muffled cry of pleasure.

Emma’s touch and hold felt hesitant though. Emma didn’t do hesitant not even during their first kiss in front of Granny’s almost two years ago to the day. She was holding back just as she had the night before she left. Emma had known what was coming; known what fate was waiting for her. Regina remembered now. Emma had cried. The blonde had easily shrugged off the tears but Regina now understood. Emma had believed it was their last time. Emma had planned to not see her again. The younger woman had given her what Emma had believed was her last memory of their time together. Regina was never meant to go to the Sherriff’s office nor were they meant to fight.

In their bed, in Emma’s embrace it was the only place she needed no control. She thrived on it in fact. She knew she could give up all pretences with this woman, and knew she was safe. Emma was hesitant and giving her all the control; she hated it. She wanted them back. She wanted to pretend it was normal but it wasn’t.

Pulling away ever so slightly she once again delighted in the feeling of Emma’s breath against her face. “Touch me” she urged slightly, and saw the woman’s brow furrow in confusion.

“I am” Emma replied breathlessly.

The former Queen gave a small shake of the head and Emma’s look of confusion only worsened. Emma was touching her, but it felt different. She did not want different. She wanted it to be the same as it always had been. She did not Emma to feel unsure or cautious about touching her. She wanted her Emma back. “No…touch me like you mean it. Like it’s something you plan to do forever” Regina breathed, hating the tight clenching feeling upon her heart, because Emma wasn’t going to do this forever. Emma was…

The lips on her own instantly forced any previous thought out of her head. She felt it. That spark. Their spark that used to flow so easily between them. It filled her head and made her dizzy. The hand near her head threaded its fingers into her hair making her head tingle. It was an odd but invigorating difference in the difference in sensations between the roughness of their bra clad breasts and the silky softness of Emma's skin against hers.

It was then the hand wrapped in her locks pulled her upwards, their lips never breaking contact. Regina’s underwear clad core ground against Emma’s jeans; the friction causing her to moan deeply, and she felt the blonde’s smirk. The hand which had previously been tracing Regina’s breast moved to fall beneath her and with practiced skill unfastened the item before lying the older woman back down.

Emma’s lips were removed from her lips, causing her to groan disappointedly. It only made the woman above her grin deeper. With deliberate slowness Emma removed Regina bra from her body, though the brunette could feel her lover’s hunger gaze upon her. The removed item was to the side, probably landing on the floor; without a care in the world.

Dark green eyes rose to her own and Regina could see it. The desire in Emma’s eyes. She could feel it. It shot desire through her body, causing her once again to gain friction from the woman above her. Her hip ground into Emma, and all Emma did was look at her with that smoky smirk. Regina tried to catch the mouth inches away from her own only for it to be pulled away completely when Emma sat up.

It was Emma’s turn, as Regina watched the woman shift; hands move behind the blonde’s back. The former Queen heard the small click of the other woman’s bra, and watched as it too was ripped off and thrown with less elegance than her own. All she could do was lie back and let her eyes roam the newly revealed fair skin.

She expected for a moment for Emma’s nerves to return, but was pleasantly surprised when Emma leant forward crushing her lips to her own once more. Nipples graze against each other causing each woman to moan into their lover’s mouth. Hearts beating fast in their owner’s chest; only trying to out beat its twin.

Emma’s stay upon Regina’s mouth did not last for long. The brunette tilted her head slightly as Emma latched on her throat; and Regina could feel the woman’s hot tongue against her pulse point. Felt the teeth gently drag against her flesh and allowed her eyes fall closed.

The blonde’s hand rose again to trace the side of Regina’s breast causing her to gasp and a feeling of pure arousal to pool in the pit of her stomach. Emma felt everywhere as Regina’s hips began to roll. While Emma’s trousers allowed for contact, it was not what she craved. She wanted heat…she wanted skin. Emma was far too dressed for liking.

“Stop” she breathed and felt Emma freeze against her. She blonde did not move, and Regina realised thought her fogged brain couldn’t comprehend it…Emma thought she wanted her to actually stop.  “Pants…off” Regina commanded breathlessly and felt Emma’s smile against her skin. Emma captured Regina's earlobe, gently caressing it with her tongue. Regina gasped loudly, arching her back and her burning flesh against her lover’s only igniting her desire further.

It was a request she wished she hadn’t made when Emma moved completely off her, instead coming to kneel between her legs. It was with trembling hands Emma tried to undo her buckle on her jeans, causing Regina to grin. Sitting up Regina, tugged upon the leather and saw it unfasten instantly. Ceasing upon the opportunity she popped the button open too. She heard Emma’s chuckle and didn’t care if she looked needy. She was. She was desperate for this woman and a pair of jeans wouldn’t stop her.

Emma leant forward over her just for a second allowing her breasts to sway dangerously close to Regina’s face; and the brunette fought the urge to seize one of the pink nubs with her mouth. If she did that Emma would be distracted and stop the removal of the damn jeans. She did however risk a lick. The flat of her tongue was dragged upwards and Regina couldn’t help but groan at the taste and feel of the skin beneath her mouth. Emma’s moan was deeper, more appreciating than her own but the jeans were still pulled off the longer legs and Regina heard the noise as they hit the floor.

It was when Emma’s hands took a hold of Regina’s hips she looked down to see Emma’s own underwear and been discarded too. Her mouth watered at the sight. Her eyes took in every detail of her lover’s body; committing it memory. Every freckle, scar and curve. The body she knew so well.

At the tug of Emma’s fingers, she realised the blonde was trying to remove her last remaining garment. As soon as Regina lifted her hips, unlike with Emma’s own clothing it was with steady hands her underwear was take off. Emma’s steady hands trailed down her calves as if worshipping them.  It was if time slowed down. It slowed to a painful pace and all Regina could do is watch as it happened. The discarded item too was thrown to the floor.

Emma seemed to hover above her for a moment. Taking in every inch of Regina’s body. She saw Emma lick her lips slightly and felt her breath hitch. Hooded eyes rose to her own, and the older woman felt as if she could drown in them.

Regina let out a resounding cry as one of Emma’s knees slid upwards coming into direct contact with her core. The noise continued through heightened in pitch as the blonde’s mouth seized her nipple entirely. The feeling of Emma’s tongue against her felt amazing. Slamming her eyes closed she felt her body take over, as she felt her hips grind slowly against the thigh pushing into her. Emma tongue tracing every dip and peak; devouring her completely.

She felt Emma’s fingertips ghost beneath her other breast, not giving anything firm or solid. Emma was teasing her, and she loved it. She could feel the tongue swirling around her nipple and the teeth grazing the sensitive flesh. She groaned in disappointment as Emma’s mouth left her, only to cry loudly as she felt the other woman’s warm teasing breath upon her. Her nipples only puckered further, almost painfully tight. She was on fire.

Emma shifted, one leg now straddling Regina’s. The move ground Emma’s thigh further still into her. Regina’s heart was beating at an impossibly rate; it was all she could hear over their laboured breathing. Her body was turning to goo beneath Emma’s nimble fingers and skills mouth. Emma seemed to be determined one way or another to stop her from breathing.

The woman above her rolled her hips causing both women’s cores to grind against their lover’s thighs, and their groans to resound around the room. She was lost to the woman above her, and yet she had found the place she was meant to be. Emma gave one last swirl of her tongue Regina’s taut bud before moving on. Leaving her panting and wanting more.

A small trail of kisses was given to top of Regina’s breast and collarbone before the brunette easily caught the woman’s mouth. A firm hand was placed against Regina’s hip causing her heart to pound a little harder. The hand stopped her hips from bucking against the toned thigh. Stopping the contact she needed. Regina openly groaned into the mouth assaulting hers.

"I've missed you" Emma whispered almost directly onto her lips, and it took all of Regina's self-control not to cry out again. Lifting her hand lazily she traced slowly down Emma's back from her shoulder blade, only to pull Emma closer once she reached her bottom. Drawing her in, she felt the woman's gasp against her lips. "Missed you too" the brunette breathed back. Regina wrapped one leg around Emma's hips grinding into the fair skin, and feeling Emma's own arousal against her own, with a low groan. Emma ground her own hips, causing a bolt of electricity to shoot threw Regina's body to her very core. The grin against her lips told her, Emma was not to be out done.

Regina could see the determination in the blonde's face, and she couldn't help but smile as Emma pulled away slightly, both openly panting. The former Queen felt as if her chest was on fire as it tried to drag in oxygen. The green eyes that bore into her were almost black with pure desire, and yet she saw love. Genuine, undiluted love; and that did more to her insides than the primal look upon Emma's face. Regina gulped slightly.

Emma's dark eyes lowered to her lips again, and Regina could almost taste her lover's breath. Regina gasped, lifting from the bed and coming to rest upon her shoulder blade as she tried to maintain contact with the hand that had grazed her most sensitive areas. "So beautiful" Emma moaned so low it would have been mistaken for a growl. The hand gently brushed against Regina's clit, and a jolt of pure pleasure ran from the small bundle of nerves, through her out her entire body. Regina did not force Emma to move. Her hips buckled though as tried to remain calm. She saw Emma's flashing smile as her fingers plunged into Regina's core, the older woman's mouth opened in a silent cry.

Emma seized the open mouth, with her own; teasing her with her tongue, teeth and lips. Every part of her mouth was being invaded, and Regina could do was suck, nip and tug against her offering. Emma's hand had stilled allowing Regina to familiarise herself with the sensation. She was familiar and she was ready. She arched her back, trying to pull the woman in deeper. Emma's knee pushed into her, causing pressure on Regina's already swollen clit. The movement caused Emma's fingers in further, and Regina allowed the fire to consume her entirely as Emma started her slow but firm pace.

Regina met each of Emma’s thrusts. It was a well-rehearsed dance and they both knew the beat. The blonde always knew how to move against her, the right pressure and speed; as Regina fed hungrily on the mouth upon hers. Her finger threaded through Emma’s shortened hair, pulling her firmer against her. The length felt odd against her fingertips but she felt Emma’s shuddering breath and loved it all the same.

Regina could feel her hips bucking more vigorously and knew Emma would keep up with the pace. Her body was trying to get the invading fingers to brush the spot her body pleaded for. A well placed thumb moved against her clit, causing her gasp. She couldn’t keep kissing Emma, she tried but she was panting too hard. Emma took what she could but soon gave up, placing kisses against the former Mayor’s jawline and with a swirl of her tongue lashed onto her probably already marked skin. She felt Emma’s hum against her pulse point and allowed her eyes to roll shut.

It felt real. Emma was here above her, no space could be found between them as their body writhed against one another. She could feel Emma’s arousal coating her thigh as both ground into each other. Hear Emma’s laboured near her ear. Emma was now pushing into her at bruising rate as Regina’s leg was pinning the blonde in place above her. Emma was filling her completely with a slight curl of her fingers. She heard Emma’s possible cry of pain as she gripped the hair in between her fingers. All she could do as groan in apology and hope Emma understood.

Emma bite down gently against pulse point, the swirl of her warm tongue calmed any pain it may have caused. The blonde pushed into her with a twist finding the spot her body was so eager for the other woman to find. Her body arched with a whimper. The second time it happened it caused Regina's body to slam upwards and she heard Emma's cry of surprise, followed by a low groan as both women were forced into a sitting like position.

Regina openly ground herself into Emma as both woman panted, trying to steal kisses from the other’s mouth. The blonde’s hips were now frantic against hers and it was causing Regina closer and closer to the edge. She wanted to wait but her body wouldn’t stop. Emma was clinging to her tightly, their new position making it almost impossible for her to move within her.  Instead it was caused Emma palm constant contact with her clit as the blonde’s hips drove her digits in closer.

The former Queen was going to come undone, as it was going to happen soon. The pitch and forcefulness of her lover’s breath against her lips told her Emma would soon be following her into the abyss. She felt lightheaded though her body seemed sluggish in its desperate attempt to find its release. Regina managed to slide her hand between them and felt Emma’s swollen nub beneath her fingertips.

She allowed Emma loud cry of pleasure to carry at the attention she gave the small bundle of nerve. Their position allowed for little more but as she felt herself about to explode she tried her hardest to get the other woman to follow her. A battle she lost as she felt and heard Emma’s next breathless confession, “I love you”.

The cry that fell from her lips was a mix of anguish, awe and pleasure. Everything pushed her so far over the edge all she could do was fall. Slamming her eyes shut she allowed her to scream as loudly as her body wanted. Her whimpers, groans and moans mixed with Emma’s as Regina felt the younger woman shudder against her thigh and fingers. The blonde had followed her perfectly and conducted her as only she knew how. Emma's head fell to the brunette’s shoulder as they both rocked against each other, trying to gain every last shudder of their shared release.

It took only moments for Regina’s body to give up the fight to remain right causing them both to fall backwards. Emma’s length fell against hers; her skin hummed with the contact and their love making. Emma continued moving inside her though the pace lessened as she rode out her orgasm.  Emma’s laboured breath tickled her moistened skin, as the blonde tried to return them both back to reality.

She groaned in disappointment when the invading digits were removed from her core, and even heard her own cry when a gentle kiss was placed beneath her earlobe. Emma however apart from that did not move to distance herself from Regina. Legs entangled and hearts beating faster than they should seemingly trying to huddle together to get closer to their twin. She felt Emma’s arm move, and a hand clasp lazily in her own.

Her skin buzzed and brain seemed empty of all thoughts but the woman lying upon her. Emma’s hand in her own, body pressed against her and the breath against her throat all served as an anchor to reality. Neither woman spoke as their breathing levelled out and they basked in their own release, and their partner’s presence.

Emma’s gentle breath against her skin soothed her. Told her it was all real. Emma was here, just made love to her and proclaimed what Regina had believed had gone. Love. Emma did love her. Emma had lied to protect her. She’d been wrong in her belief that it was Regina that needed protecting but she understood.

She couldn’t help but smile at Emma’s silence which was soon followed by deep breathing. It appeared the woman lying on top of her had fallen asleep. Turning her head the former Queen placed a gentle kiss upon the mess of blonde hair next to her face; letting the woman sleep on. Regina loved the feeling of Emma above her, and would choose to sleep like this for as long as they could; knowing Emma would eventually move to her side of the bed as the night progressed. Breathing in deeply Regina inhaled the blonde, committing it to memory. “I love you too” Regina replied gently as sleep started to claim her as well; feeling Emma tighten the grip upon her hand.

* * *

 

She wasn’t asleep but neither was she awake. She felt oddly weightless as if she was floating. Regina felt warm and snug within the sheets around her, a feeling she had not experienced for a very long time. Since the last night Emma had slept beside her. Part of her wanted to digest everything that Emma had told her last night except her brain wouldn’t connect with the events of the previous evening. Her sleep fogged brain could only acknowledge one thing; Emma had come home.

Regina allowed her eyes to open slowly pleasantly surprised that the light outside was only just starting to show; casting the darkened room in a slight purple glow. Shifting her head to the side she saw the bright numbers on her alarm clock beaming at her. It was only 3.27am. She wasn’t sure what time they’d fallen asleep but it hadn’t been for long and yet she felt almost completely rested. Surprisingly she felt no hangover luring over her; though she could just as easily fall back to sleep until it was time to get up.

Regina snugged down beneath the sheet above her. She moved to curl up against her sleeping partner only to find the bed was empty beside her. The familiar rush of dread and anxiety crept through her body. Emma wouldn’t have just left. Not after what they’d just shared. Most certainly not at 3.30 in the morning. She couldn’t have left her…again. The older woman had been dozing for a while, drifting in and out of sleep and she hadn’t heard Emma get up. She had heard no noise from the blonde and felt no disturbances during her sleeping hours.

She sat up a little too quickly feeling her head spin a little; it appeared she was going to suffer a little from the alcohol she’d consumed last night. At first the panic was fuelling her scan of the empty room, but then she saw them. Emma’s jeans though they weren’t thrown over of their rightful place, the back of her vanity chair. They were in a breadcrumb type trail with her other clothing, including Regina’s from the open bedroom door to out of sight at the bottom of the bed. Then she saw the soft glow creeping out from beneath their ensuite bathroom door.

Grabbing her robe she quickly wrapped it around herself, though it was not needed. Emma had seen her naked several times and the early July temperature did not require it. She took the distance between bed and door in only a few strides. Listening hard she heard no noise of distress nor any noise that indicated Emma needed any assistance. In fact the room seemed completely silent not even the sound of the shower or the water running. “Emma?” she called gently with a light rap of her knuckles upon the door, and waited for her response.

 


	9. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down. *Established Swan Queen*

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

 **Author** : Calliope-plantain

 **Rating:**  M

 **Pairing:** Regina/Emma

 **Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

 **Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

 **Author's Note:** Hope everyone’s Christmas-y time was good J Hope you’re all surviving the winter hiatus! Sorry it’s been so long since I updated – Ill health and new job have kept me busy.

 **Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she’s missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)

_“The next heart you crush will be mine” – 45-Spacer._

It seemed to take an age for any response. Any sign of life at all. But then she heard movement of water and a dull thud. Regina’s heart was beating faster than it should within her chest, her hand still pressed against the cold door. “Yeah… it’s open” was Emma’s reply. She sounded so much herself it was almost confusing; as if it was completely normal for someone to be having what Regina assumed was a bath this early in the morning.

There was a faint glow of light in the bathroom from the dimmed lights, though it took Regina a moment to adjust to the new brightness as the door slowly opened beneath her fingertips. There Emma lay in the bath, her pale skin seemed to glow in the reduced light. Despite her ready reply, the blonde was laid with her eyes closed, looking completely peaceful. Without a care in the world. No burdens or expectations, just Emma.

Regina didn’t move for fear of breaking the tranquil spell upon the other woman, but it seemed her hesitance demolished it anyway.  Emma’s eyes peered over the rim of the tub at her, before the woman moved to sit up. The noise of the water moving seemed to echo around the silent room. The other woman ran her hand across her face as if to rid it of any water she might find there, though the low light Regina couldn’t see any.

“Did I wake you by running more water?” Emma asked attentively, her eyes finding Regina’s again. More water. How long had she been in here? Regina shook her head as she finally entered the room, allowing the door to close behind her.  “No I just woke up and you weren’t there…is everything okay?” Regina asked slowly and carefully, rather nonplussed by the other woman’s attitude. 

“Yeah” Emma replied equally slowly her face and tone showing complete confusion. Regina could almost hear the clogs inside Emma’s head working and saw the flicker of realisation appear on her face. The small chuckle was like music to her ears as Regina situated herself next to her bath. The tiled floor cold against her bare legs as she sat down, her chin coming to rest upon her forearm. Emma gave her a small smile which made her heart sing.

Regina could now smell her own apple bubble bath, and despite being able to see the bags beneath her lover’s eyes, Regina couldn’t help biting back a returning smile. “Sorry I couldn't sleep” Emma explained turning slightly before laying back down. They were now almost face to face. Couldn’t sleep? Regina felt as if she could hibernate.

“My hormones are all messed up mixed with my meds, my sleeping pattern is screwed” Emma continued though now not looking at Regina. The stark reality of Emma’s life it seemed was fast approaching. Neither could run from it, though from Emma’s tone this almost seemed normal for her now. It was normal to be up in the early hours with a blasé attitude that her body was breaking down, and the meds given to help her were only making it worse. It hurt that this was now normal.

“My “core” temperature is shot too. Another nice side effect of the…cancer” Emma finished quietly, voice dropping to deafening hush on the last word. She might as well have screamed it, instead of the hesitant whisper that broke Regina’s heart. Hesitance, it seemed Emma was worried about sharing more after her last confession. Emma turned to give her a sad smile, one of understanding. It felt as if the blonde was trying to give her courage. Courage to understand and battle this too. The former Queen wasn’t even sure how Emma had to courage to fight it herself, never mind some to spare.

“I’m pretty much always cold” the other woman said softly now looking her directly in the eyes. Eyes Regina had always felt an impossible pull towards. Eyes she could never refuse. She supposed it made sense the atrocious hat and thick heavy coat, both that was unsuitable for a heat wave in late June with July only days away. The cancer had even affected her wardrobe, not satisfied with just taking her life. Emma had always had cold feet; it was something Regina was loathed to love about her.

“It’s kinder a routine I’ve gotten into” the blonde said, sounding almost pitying for her audience to hear the explanation.  “Sorry I’ll get out” Emma rushed, making to move, seemingly to take Regina’s lack of response as disapproval.

“What? No it’s okay” Regina said equally as quickly, managing to catch Emma’s wrist with the hand previously holding her up, causing her head to fall. Thankfully Regina missed the rim of the tub with her chin. “I was just worried” the brunette explained, allowing her fingertips to gently sooth the skin beneath them. She watched Emma’s look of worry dissolve into a ghost of a smile before she nodded. The blonde leant back once more, though allowed her arm to remain in Regina’s grasp. It was hardly surprising then that Emma had fallen asleep so easily.

“You could have woken me, I’d have warmed you up” Regina supplied, still soothing the flesh under her fingertips, delighting in the slow pulse she found there. Happy because she could feel it, feel Emma’s life literally beating beneath her fingers. But also pleased it was so calm. 

“You looked too peaceful, I didn’t want to wake you” the other woman said tenderly. Looking up from her administrations to the soft skin, Regina caught Emma giving her a gentle smile. Her features softened in the dim light, though her eyes shone with devotion, and understanding. It was the most peaceful night sleep she’d had since Emma left. Almost as if it was the first night she’d slept, in a way it was. 

“I’ll crash later, so you can warm me up then if you want” the younger woman offered with a brighter smile. Regina couldn’t help but mirror it.

“Okay” she replied simply. Mother like son. Whenever Henry was ill he always got a burst of energy only to crash out hours later. Regina was sure several illnesses over the years had been prolonged by the boy’s inability to stay still.

“Wanna get in?” Emma asked with a grin and tilt of her head. Regina couldn’t help the small chuckle that graced her lips. It was far too late to be indulging in an early morning dip, but she supposed she wasn’t one to refuse. Not when Emma looked so happy at the prospect. All she did was give a simple nod and watched as Emma beamed at her.

Regina stood slowly pulling at the tie keeping her robe closed, before she let the smooth material fall and pool at her feet. She noticed Emma’s gaze travel once up her bare skin before coming to rest upon her face with a slight smile, but admiration in her eyes. “Front or back” Regina asked gently. Emma sat up before sliding backwards and offering her, her hand. Front it was then.

The water was a little cooler than Regina would have liked it, but then again she preferred the temperature to give her what Emma called “a low-cut scald” look. The temperature seemed to drop several points as she sat down, but Emma quickly melded herself to Regina’s form from behind made up for the dramatic change. As did the strong arm that engulfed her middle. Despite everything the hold upon her still made her feel as safe and secure as ever. Nothing could harm them when she was in Emma’s arms.

She let out what was meant to be a small sigh though it seemed to go on a little too long, and felt a little too good. She felt relaxed, and swatted the knee next to hers when she heard the woman behind her chuckle at noise. Regina felt the small kiss being pressed to hair in response. Worry flashed across her brain as she realised she was leant against Emma. Who knows what damage she could do the younger woman, but before she could move the strong hand against her stomach tightened. “Stop it” Emma whispered in her ear. Her voice sounded gentle, even understanding; because after all Emma had already predicted this hadn’t she. Regina would see her differently, act and react differently towards her now, and she was doing just that.

Regina let her head fall so the back of it rested on Emma’s shoulders, as she felt Emma’s lean back ever so slightly. It certainly wasn’t the first shared bath they’d had together, and they had the luxury that their bathtub allowed for them. This however despite the cool water felt like the best one they’d shared. Perhaps it was just the security that Emma was here, one hand resting on top of her own on the edge of the bath, the other now tracing mindless patterns on Regina’s hip. It was almost perfect.

Regina’s eyes fell upon a book with some paper sticking out of the top upon the floor. From its position Regina guessed it was the cause of the large thud she heard before entering their bathroom. Emma had clearly been…reading it or something only to throw it out of reach once Regina had come knocking. “What’s that?” Regina asked softly.

She felt Emma’s shift, and look in the direction she was and heard the slight noise Emma made though she couldn’t distinguish what it meant. “That’s my diary” Emma said rather bluntly.

“You don’t write diaries dear” Regina countered back with a tone of clear amusement. Emma Swan wasn’t a diary writer. She was barely a writer. Most of the last months of Regina’s term as Mayor had been filled with her trying to get Emma to do her paperwork. It often was done late if at all and always carried the bare minimum. Emma Swan did not write if she didn’t need to, and even then it was a struggle.

The other woman sighed deeply, much more deeply than Regina had done upon entering the bath. Though Regina could not tell why. “Whale suggested it. He thought it might help me…with my memory” Emma explained slowly.

The former Queen felt her brow crease at the words. What? Regina turned her head to ask only to remember how close they were together. She saw Emma lick her bottom lip. Her nervous habit. Emma swallowed next, and then was unable to look her in the eye; an impressive feat considering their close proximity.

“Emma...” Regina asked quietly when it was apparent her lover was not going to elaborate. This time the small huff came without Emma even opening her mouth. “What’s wrong with your memory?” she probed further. It seemed to take an age for the raised eyes to lower back to hers, and she saw uncertainty glistening back at her.

The pink tongue darted across Emma’s lips again before she spoke. “It’s a symptom. I forget things…sometimes” Emma explained nervously, Regina noting that the thumb that was previously tracing her hip bone was completely stationary.

“What kind of things?” Regina breathed and she saw Emma’s features relax slightly. Regina was ready to hear it all or as ready as she ever would be. They were awake and together, and she was in Emma’s embrace. She could face the worst of it. They could face it together and decide from there what to do next. Even if the prospect of what was to come terrified her more than she thought possible.

The thumb moved again against Regina’s flesh, though she was unsure which of the two women it was meant to be comforting. “Little things…big things. It doesn’t really seem to follow a pattern that I’ve noticed. Names of things can be difficult. Remembering appointments or that I’m meant to be somewhere is hard. I mean it always was…” Emma explained with a small chuckle which didn’t sound completely convincing.

Emma was right however. The woman’s time keeping skills left a lot to be desired and she was always late. Before they’d gotten together Regina had thought Emma being late was her way of being defiant towards her. It turned out however Emma just had really appalling time management skills. It was rare and something to cherish if the woman ever was on time or god forbid early for something. But it had been Whale who had suggested her keep a record. That meant her lapses in memory had been happening before she left.

“You never said anything” Regina replied, though to her own surprise there was no tone of malice. Shock perhaps but no negative quality.

“I didn’t want to worry you” Emma said even sounding a little bored her of the repeated answer. Regina did not have the strength to fight back yet again. She was too snug against the soft body of her love to start an argument. Regina had worried. Emma knew Regina had worried. Part of being in a relationship was that you worried about the other person’s wellbeing. The arguments they had now however…they seemed to weigh Regina down with guilt. No wonder Emma had been so stressed and erratic, she had had all this to deal with.

Regina felt the rush of panic and understanding flood her system, as her feeling of guilt multiplied ten-fold. “Henry’s Spelling Bee” was all she could say. Emma had said she’d forgotten about their son’s Spelling Bee and all Regina could do was scream at the woman. She had berated Emma for being too late and ensured she felt guilty about letting Henry down. She had questioned Emma’s loyalty to her family.

All it took was a small nod of confirmation from Emma to nearly break her.  Regina opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. That had been the night the former Mayor had concluded their relationship had changed. Nothing had been quite right after that night. They had fought and screamed at one another. For the first time in weeks Emma had not fought back and Regina took it as an opportunity and attacked. She had watched Emma clutching her head in what Regina had believed was an attempt to drone her out as she criticised Emma’s attitude towards her mother. Except it had nothing to do with Snow, just as Emma had told her that night and Regina hadn’t believed her. Emma wasn’t trying to drone her out, she was clutching at her head because she was in pain. In pain because a tumour was growing inside her head.

“Stop it!” Emma said sternly. “Stop it right now” she repeated. Emma always knew how her mind worked. Regina closed her mouth before opening it once more, and yet again words failed her. Just as she had failed Emma.

“Stop blaming yourself. You didn’t know. I didn’t know…” Emma continued, her hand leaving Regina’s on the rim of the bath to move the fallen piece of hair from Regina’s face.

“I’m still sorry” Regina whispered gently. Emma just nodded with a slight smile. It seemed she would take the apology anyway. All the horrible things she’d said to Emma over the last month they’d been together. All the thoughts and empty wishes she’d made since, weighed heavy on her. It hadn’t been Emma’s fault. She could have handle things better… a lot better but she had cancer. What was Regina’s excuse?

“My weirdest ones though have been since my operation” Emma said after a few minutes of silence. Regina moved to be on her side, almost wedging herself between Emma and far side of the bath. She tucked herself under Emma’s arm and moved to rest her head beneath her chin, noting the blonde’s slim smile. The younger woman seemed to wait a moment before continuing.

“Not that forgetting what you like to eat for breakfast, never mind whether you’ve eaten it yet isn’t fun” Emma said, though this time her tone did seem to carry amusement. The day Emma left she didn’t have breakfast…was this why? She’d forgotten.

“About two weeks after I was released I decided to do a trial run. First time I’d been to the store, my next door neighbour had been getting me things before that. I made it a small one, just bread, milk that kind of thing” Emma explained her tone almost one of a parent reading a bedtime story. Regina nodded into the blonde’s collarbone noticing how prominent it was. “It went fine, walking back to my apartment was fine. Went down without a hitch. Got to my front door and the key wouldn’t go into the lock” the other woman continued though her tone was becoming more serious as the story progressed.

“It didn’t make sense, and then it hit me. It wasn’t my apartment” Emma said quietly causing Regina to lift her head so she now level with Emma. “I hadn’t lived there in almost three years” Emma finished sadly. Regina knew her face showed the surprise she felt. She gone back to her old apartment, the one before Storybrooke. “I know” Emma added looking rather sheepish. “Thankfully no one was home so they didn’t come out or anything. It wasn’t even that I’d forgotten anything else; I knew the last three years had happened. It was just the apartment that fell out of my head” Emma explained looking almost as confused as Regina had felt.

“At times I can understand what people with Dementia feel like. Thankfully recently it’s been going back to forgetting names of things rather than forgetting parts of my life or feeling like I just woke up and don’t know how I got there. Though I guess not as good as I thought. I don’t know what’s medical or magical anymore” Emma finished and Regina saw her bottom lip tremble. How someone could live like this, was beyond Regina and it frightened her. Regina leant forward and easily caught the slightly quivering lips with her own. The kiss was gentle and reassuring. It was all Regina had to offer, and Emma gave it back in kind.

Breaking away she allowed her forehead to rest upon Emma’s and delighted in the way her breath danced across her face. “What else did I miss?” she asked softly before opening her eyes. She saw the flicker of confusion before recognition followed.

“Regina you didn’t… Do you really want to know?” Emma asked her expression one of pain. Pain at the knowledge she held. Emma was adamant she did not want to hurt Regina further but she had to be told. She had to know what to look for, what she’d missed.

“I think I have to” Regina replied carefully. She couldn’t not know. She had analysed every interaction she could remember in her mission to find out the moment things had gone wrong and what she could have done to stop it. She needed to know what had been Emma, and what had been her cancer. She needed to know to help her process. She would probably regret it, in fact she could almost guarantee it but she needed to know. Worse yet, she wanted to know. Emma nodded and Regina settled herself back cheek and chin resting against Emma’s upper chest and allowed the smile to grace her lips at the feeling of Emma’s breath playing with her hair.

Silence filled the small room and all Regina could hear was each woman’s breathing. Slow and steady. Emma’s soothing gestures had ceased upon her hip, though the hold she now had her in did the trick all the same. She heard the younger woman swallow before she spoke. “Mood swings. Being really angry one minute and happy the next, only to be miserable moments later” Emma said evenly.

Regina knew this was true, she’d noticed that. She’d battled with the erratic switching of moods for a month before Emma had left. She had never been able to predict which version of the woman she loved would grace their doorstep after work or which she’d wake next to. There were no patterns she could decipher. She had often thought it must have been Regina; her actions or lack of in some cases that triggered the changes. It seemed it hadn’t been. Neither had it been Emma’s fault. Regina had come to blame her in recent months, believing rather than just leaving her as she had eventually done Emma had sort to make her miserable first. Regina had gotten so many things wrong.

“With that saying unacceptable things. Both things that I didn’t mean and some which were…inappropriate. Oddly I am thankful the latter’s only victim that I can remember is Ruby” Emma explained with a small chuckle. “She just took it in her stride. I suppose she’s said and done worse” Emma continued her chortle made Regina’s hair ruffle slightly.

She was pretty sure she knew the answer and didn’t want details but the question fell out of her mouth before she could stop it, “Like sex stuff?”

“Yeh” was Emma’s only amused response. Emma had said things to Ruby about sex. Inappropriate things about sex. Regina did not what to know, and she would not ask. Furthermore she didn’t really want to know what information Ruby now had about their sex life, if any.  “Being rude and saying things I shouldn’t, could have gotten me into a lot of trouble. Thankfully the nurses have thick skin and knew I didn’t mean it and I couldn’t help it…doesn’t make it any less humiliating” Emma finished sounded every bit ashamed as her tale called for.

Emma and Regina had fought. They’d both said things they shouldn’t have but inappropriate? She couldn’t remember Emma saying anything she would have considered inappropriate. She’d said things that Regina would never have said, but different backgrounds, upbringings usually accounted for that. Regina had shouted, screamed and on more than one occasion thrown things at the other woman in bad temper. God she’d even done all three this evening. Or last night based on the small rays of light coming through the window. But Emma…

With a realisation that made her feel instantly nauseous she remembered with crystal clarity their argument the night before Emma left Storybrooke. In the middle of their screaming match Emma had accused her of only caring for her wellbeing because Snow was now Mayor and in Emma’s exact words Regina was “screwing” her. She remembered the pain of the words as they had stung her. She had almost been surprised they hadn’t pierced her skin with the force and venom they had been delivered, though she felt the tears inside her chest. Her heart. She also remembered the look of absolute shock, terror and guilt upon Emma’s face moments after she had said the words. Everything made sense she wished it didn’t.

“Regina?” Emma asked softly, her hand now gliding down the brunette’s side. Her silent contemplation had been noticed.

“Sorry dear just processing” Regina answered her voice with emotions she couldn’t decipher. Emma had been right, maybe this was information she didn’t need to know. Except she did. She couldn’t not know. She needed to lift whatever burden she could from Emma’s shoulder, if nothing else so they could carry it together, just as they all should have done.

Another kiss was placed to her crown, though this one was more solid. More forceful and tangible. Once again silence fell over them, though it felt thicker than before despite Emma’s reassuring touch. “I couldn’t make decisions…about anything. My concentration went out the window and before you make some remark I am very aware I didn’t have much to start with” Emma explained her tone of slight humour, but Regina did not see the joke. Regina had noticed that. She had even commented on it, used it against Emma when she could. She had scolded the woman for lacking a concentration span, and Emma had simply bite back about her being an unsupportive girlfriend.

Emma had not helped. She had said and done things that had been hurtful and at times almost cruel. Except she hadn’t. Everything that Regina had thought was Emma, had been her cancer. The cancer that was festering away in her brain, making her do and say things Emma would never do, and Regina had just accepted them. Had taken it all without question. Emma had only seen Whale after she had had her seizure, a mere two weeks before she had left. Regina had noticed all these things, had fought Emma because them. What if she’d done or said something earlier?

“Obviously my seizure though thankfully that seemed to be the only one” Emma said softly, her chin resting now upon Regina’s crown. Regina had not known about that one, and she would gratefully not accept blame even from herself for that one. But Ruby had known. Ruby had not said anything, neither had Emma but if Ruby had been worried enough to make Emma go to the hospital why had she not been worried enough to asked about the blonde’s welfare.  

“Then there was the sickness” Emma continued with her tone laced with disgust. Regina remembered the sickness very well. She remembered waking sometimes to the noise of her lover vomiting in this very bathroom. She had done all she could to ease the other woman’s suffering and had been supportive. She had done all she could with that.

“That thankfully seemed to go after my operation until they put me on more meds but it’s not as frequent” Emma spoke gently her fingertips dancing upon the skin she could reach. “And bleeding. Though that only happened after the operation so they aren’t sure if that’s a symptom or they’d cause it. I bruise quite easily but mainly random nosebleeds which are a pain in the ass” Emma finished with what sounded like fake annoyance. Regina wondered if she was trying to play it down for her benefit.

“You didn’t miss anything Regina. It’s not your fault. If anything it’s mine. You weren’t wrong when you said I was being a bitch” the other woman continued.

“I shouldn’t have said it, it wasn’t your fault” Regina replied her voice once again cracking with emotion. Emma was right she hadn’t missed it. She had noticed it all. She at times had resented every symptom her lover had just reeled off. She had blamed Emma for every action, reaction and conversation they had had as a result of these symptoms. Each a sign that Emma was not herself, and yet Regina had not taken heed and done something about it. She had allowed Emma to hide away and in the end Emma had flee. She blamed Emma for that. It was the only thing she could blame her for, the only thing the former Sheriff truly had power over. Emma had been right in that too. Right in her assumption that running was the only thing she had any control over. She had not told Regina and not allowed her to comfort her, for her to take comfort in Emma. She’d taken that, it was all she had left to blame her for.

“I’m still sorry. For all of it. Knowing it’s not your _fault_ doesn’t make it easier. Knowing you unintentionally hurt the people you love doesn’t make it better. I still hurt you. I said and did things… I’m sorry Regina” the younger woman spoke softly her voice laced with sorrow. It had hurt; she couldn’t even lie to make Emma feel better.

“I know” was all Regina could reply, before she felt as if her emotions would strangle her. Knowing did not make it easier either. It still hurt knowing the person you love said and did those things to you. It still hurt realising that Regina had not known it was not Emma saying these things but a tumour merely using her mouth to file out vile words and conflicting actions. It did help to know however that Emma was sorry and hadn’t meant it. “I’m sorry too” Regina said her voice sounding stronger as she placed a kiss to Emma’s upper chest.

Emma’s hand rose to cup Regina’s head, her fingers running through her hair. The familiar tingling made her head buzz slightly. The blonde’s other wandering hand had returned to Regina’s hip, though now holding it in a tight grip, fearing she would try and escape. Another kiss was placed upon Regina head, though the older woman heard Emma’s shuddering inhale. Regina tightened her hold around Emma’s middle, pulling the other woman impossibly close.

They lay in silence. No sound could be heard; it seemed as if they were both holding their breath. Regina could feel her own heart beating in her chest, hear the drumming in her ears and feel Emma’s breathe against her skin.  She did not want this life for them. She wanted more for Emma. They had plans and dreams. They were supposed to have forever but instead they were clinging to each other in cooling water, trying to sooth away a pain that would never been soothed.

“I love you” Regina said breaking the silence first.

There was a moment’s pause before Emma spoke. “Even with the new do?” she said, her tone was one of jest not concern. It was clear Emma was trying to make the situation lighter, more manageable. Regina would indulge the younger woman.

“Even with your new hair cut I still love you” Regina reassured, lifting her head to look Emma in the eye. Regina’s chin was now resting solely upon Emma’s chest. She caught the slight upturn of Emma’s mouth, before the small smile formed. Emma’s hair didn’t not suit her. Maybe it would take time for Regina to get used to it, before she could decide. Emma however still looked just as beautiful as she always had.

“Me too” Emma replied. Regina fought the playful urge to ask if Emma meant she still loved Regina despite having shorter hair, and so settled for a smile in return. They both seemed to contemplate each other for a moment before Regina felt the hand cupping the back of her head pushing her forward. Emma placed a kiss on her forehead before capturing her lips softly. The water around them was getting too cold for her now. It still held slight warmth meaning she could not call it cold but it would be soon. The warmth of Emma’s lips against hers however was comforting.

She meant to repress the shiver though it seemed her body betrayed her anyway. “If you’re cold you should have said. Go on out you get” Emma said taking her lips away, and giving Regina a stern look.

“I don’t think so dear” Regina said glaring. Emma simply gave her ironic eye roll. It sometimes annoyed Regina that Emma often wasn’t intimidated by Regina. She had been the Evil Queen and could reduce a grown man into a quivering mess with just a stare. Emma on the other hand hadn’t known the Evil Queen and did not care if Regina threw her a dirty look. The glare just resulted in Emma poking Regina painfully in the ribs.

“Get out” Emma commanded with a wave of her hand in the direction of which she wanted Regina to comply to her demand.

“Excuse me?” Regina asked dumbfounded.

“I am not going to have you getting a cold at my expense and I’ll be getting out anyway so … _please_ get out” Emma continued only looking slightly annoyed and was clearly pleading her with her eyes. A trick Henry had undoubtedly picked up in gestation. Regina placed a gentle kiss to Emma cheek which gained her a bright grin.

“Fine. I’m going to make us some coffee might warm us up better anyway” Regina suggested as she stood. The water seemed to roar in the small room as it cascaded down her body. The rush of now almost cold water caused the other woman to shriek and glare at Regina as then wrapped their largest towel around herself. Emma could wear her bathrobe to dry herself it was warmer.

Emma was still glaring at her as she exited the bathroom. It didn’t stop the younger woman from calling after her though. “What?” Regina asked walking the five stepped she’d managed before being called back.

“Can mine be a hot chocolate?” Emma asked attentively.

“Sure” Regina replied. Hot chocolate would help Emma sleep in the long run, while Regina right now felt the need to be awake. Her love had already shared so much information with her, almost too much to process and consider for one person. So Regina needed caffeine. Emma opened her mouth though before she had a chance to say the words Regina cut her off with a small chuckle “With cinnamon”. Mother like son.

Emma just smiled back at her, looking if anything rather shy. Almost angelic. Very much like their little boy. “Thank you” the other woman said gently. Emma’s expression told her, the gratitude wasn’t just about the drink.

All Regina did was nod in return, before replying “This isn’t over you know”. Likewise she didn’t just mean their conversation. She meant Emma, their life together. There was still so much to go through. The last three months, the time ahead. But they could do it. They would manage it, hand in hand, side by side.

“I know” was Emma’s simple reply. 


	10. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down. *Established Swan Queen*

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

 **Author** : Calliope-plantain

 **Rating:**  M

 **Pairing:** Regina/Emma

 **Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

 **Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

 **Author's Note:** Hope everyone’s Christmas-y time was good J Hope you’re all surviving the winter hiatus! Sorry it’s been so long since I updated – Ill health and new job have kept me busy.

 **Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she’s missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)

_“The next heart you crush will be mine” – 45-Spacer._

With painstakingly slow steps Regina managed to carry the two mugs up the stairs while pinning the wrapped towel around her with one arm. Maybe it would have been easier if she’d used the bathrobe to make the beverage trip and swapped with Emma upon her return. She had tried to be as quick as possible making the drinks while tidying the mess she’d made of Emma’s belongings. In hindsight she could have brought up a pair of Emma’s sweat pants and a top to keep her warm. She could just borrow something of Regina’s once she was dry.

The bedroom door was still ajar when she bumped it open with her hip. Emma was sat at Regina’s vanity table trying to tame her newly shortened hair in the mirror. The moisture from the steam and water was making it stick up a little at odd angles. Regina placed both mugs on the coasters upon the table Emma was sat at. “Thanks” Emma said repeatedly trying to smooth a piece of hair which would not stay down.

Regina’s hand found Emma’s shortened tresses and she allowed herself the luxury of running her fingers through it. Emma’s eyes had not left her reflection while Regina had enter the room spoke just loud enough to be heard, “I don’t like it…it’s too short so there’s not much I can do with it”.

Regina simply chuckled in return, when she too couldn’t get the piece of hair lay flat either. She’d have to brush it in the morning. The older woman took a sip of her drink and felt it warm her inside considerably. Regina wondered for a brief worrying moment when Emma took a sip of her own, if it was too hot for the other woman, though Emma showed no signs of discomfort.

“As someone who had my hair shorter than that for years, I take personal offence to that” Regina said sternly though the smile upon her face did alter her meaning quite considerable. Emma worried her bottom lip and just sniggered but didn’t take her eyes off Regina in her reflection.

 “I think you’ll find this was originally inspired by that very Madame Mayor style” the blonde quipped back playfully pointing at her hair. “Despite… _loving_ it on you, I don’t think it suits me all that well” Emma continued with a glint in her eye. It was not the first time Emma had confided in “loving” Regina’s much shorter hair style, though Emma’s more accurate description had been that it “drove her wild”. Regina couldn’t help the chuckle at Emma’s expense.

“I’m guessing to have treatment you had to cut it” Regina asked, trying to keep her tone light as to not ruin the new mood. Emma’s eyes rose to the hair covering her forehead and with a slight smile she flicked the mess of hair out of face.

“Yeah. You aren’t allowed to wash it a lot in the first few weeks after you have a Craniotomy. It’s also easier to look after if it’s short. Also they had to shave it, so it would have looked a little odd” Emma explained, finishing with a small laugh. It was just a simple explanation and yet held so much too. Emma’s life for the last three months had been so difficult and held the need for solutions to make it easier.

“Where…” was all Regina managed to say before Emma grinned at her. The former Sheriff swung her legs around, so she was now facing Regina.

“Here” Emma said with a tone of ease as she lifted the front section of hair on the right of her head, to the side. It didn’t look much different.  The hair maybe was a little shorter at a push or a little lighter. There was no scar that Regina could see. Her fingertips tingled, she wanted to touch it. Her hand moved without the command of her brain, though she realised in time and stopped. Stopped before she touched Emma. Touching Emma wasn’t something she had stopped herself doing in almost two years. It felt strange and she didn’t like it.

“You can” Emma said softly, taking hold of her hand she’d let fall.  

“I don’t want to hurt you” she whispered, taking solace in the warmth of the hand holding hers.

“You won’t” Emma reassured her gently, bringing their hands up to the indicated spot. Emma didn’t flinch in pain as their fingers reached her scalp so she must have been telling the truth. The darkened eyes never left hers, reassurance and encouragement shone back at her. Regina felt the raised skin beneath her fingertips. The scar wasn’t large but it was significant. Emma’s hand fell, but Regina let her fingers roam on.

Her thumb traced the healed laceration. It was protruding but felt smooth. The mark was proof that this was all real. That everything Emma had said was true. It was probably the reason Emma was sitting in front of her. The only reason her true love was still alive.

Regina allowed her hand to fall easily cupping the blonde’s cheek. Emma’s skin looked sallow even in the increasing illumination from the rising sun. Despite her complexion and dark circles under her eyes she was still her Emma. Still just as beautiful as she had always been.

“Still perfect”, Regina whispered, her thumb tracing Emma’s cheek, relishing in the small smile that graced the other’s lips.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been perfect but thank you” Emma replied with genuine appreciation lacing her tone, almost as if she had been worried about Regina’s reaction towards her newly donned scar. It took a moment however for the usual cocky smile that was truly Emma Swan to form. The blonde caught Regina’s hand easily before standing and leading her to Regina’s side of their bed. As soon as her bare calves felt the mattress, the brunette sat.

Emma placed her mug upon Regina’s night stand, before almost volleyed the older woman to land on her own side. Definitely still Emma. Upon landing the young woman fluffed up her pillows and with a sigh flopped down. With a contented smile Emma reached out for her mug which Regina could only pass with an incredulous look.

The blonde however did not take a drink, but instead placed it on her side table, while Regina put her mug in the spot Emma’s had just vacated. How was Emma still so…Emma like. Everything the young woman had been through was enough to weaken anyone’s resolve. Emma on the other hand, while she was obviously scared of what was to come she was still Emma; still the daughter of the Charmings’ and ever the saviour. 

When Regina rolled onto her back Emma’s eyes were closed. The blonde’s right hand was resting on her stomach and Regina couldn’t help but need to touch her. Feel her solid presence next to her. She took a hold of the frail hand and traced the flesh feeling the veins beneath her fingertips. At the wrist she felt the strong pulse beating just beneath the surface, though just above that she could feel some scarring too.

Emma must have sensed her concentration was now on that one spot because the hand was raised as was Emma herself. Emma sat up and leant back slightly on the headboard. Regina turned Emma’s hand over easily and she could see the slight mark upon the light flesh below though it did not seem to be a scar, it looked pinker in colour. “It’s where they put in an arterial line to monitor my pressure” Emma explained. Once again the younger woman was using jargon Regina had never expected she would ever need to know in this world.

“When they took it out there was a bruise. Like this huge five inch bruise” Emma explained indicating with her other hand just how big the bruise was. How was medicine in this damn world so barbaric and damaging to the human body? Regina could not lie even to herself; healers here could do more and go further without magic than she would expect but their way of doing it seemed almost cruel.

Regina realised she had been staring at the slender wrist when she felt Emma’s eyes upon her. Looking up she caught the Saviour’s gaze and saw the other woman’s slightly lopsided smile. The brunette couldn’t help the gentle sigh under Emma’s searching gaze.  Regina placed a tender kiss upon the once bruised flesh before laying back down, facing her lover their hands now entwined.

“When I first had the op done I had huge black eyes” Emma continued as if there had been no interruption. It was now Emma’s thumb that danced across her skin, soothing away any bad thoughts. Emma however did not look at Regina, but instead was staring straight ahead. “I looked like I’d just gone several rounds with Muhammad Ali, then been ran over by a truck and was still somehow conscious” the other woman carried on with the same sense of wonder in her tone that Regina’s mind held.

“Normally you have to stay in hospital for anything between five days to two weeks but I didn’t have anyone to make sure I was okay so they had me in for longer”, Emma explained her tone held a hint of shame. The hospital thought she didn’t have anyone, but she did; and Emma knew it. It was evident in her tone and the way her body tensed. Emma had no one to make sure she was okay because she had made the decision not to tell anyone. She’d made the decision to do all of this on her own.

“Most of the first week is kind of a blur, though it was because of the meds they had me on, not my brain” the younger woman explained to the opposite wall, without breaking stride in her story. Once again this world’s medicines had made things just as bad if not worse than the ailment they were meant to heal. They had made Emma sicker, not only did she have to endure a terminal cancer but fight a losing battle against the treatment aimed to cure her.

“They had me on a boat load of steroids and anticonvulsant medication...and painkillers it’s all kind of a blur” Emma finished explaining. Her tone was steady though the accompanying small nervous laugh told Regina the experience was not as light as Emma was trying to suggest. Emma was trying again to spare her the pain of knowing the whole truth of her ordeal and maybe she’d let it slide. The thought of Emma going through all this made her feel sick. She had been unable to shelter her love from her body breaking down. Regina was one of the most powerful magical beings there ever was and she couldn’t save Emma from any of this. She was powerless.

Regina curled into the warm body next to hers, relishing in the feeling. She felt Emma’s arm tighten around her. Goosebumps appeared upon her skin despite the late June warm air and the towel draped around her frame. She could get lost so easily in Emma’s embrace. Close every window and bolt all the doors to lock out the world, but soon the world would come knocking and demolish their warm bubble to the ground. Regina had to be ready when it did.

“Go on” the former Queen whispered. She heard Emma release air from her mouth though the noise seemed to be of contemplation rather than annoyance or any other negative emotion. “You don’t have to…” Regina reassured securing herself further into her lover’s hold, feeling Emma’s heart beating against her ear.

“No I do, I can do it. I’m okay I'm just not sure what to say or where to start” Emma replied softly once again her tone hold no malice, no ill thought or doubt. She wanted to tell Regina everything, she was no longer running. While Regina wanted to know anything and everything she could about the blonde’s life these last few months she couldn’t help the feeling of foreboding.

“As I said most things are a blur but I remember waking up after my operation. Everything hurt; my head, jaw, throat from the breathing tube and they kept shining this bright light in my eyes which hurt” the other woman explained bitterly. Despite Emma’s want to shield Regina from the true extent of the pain she went through, the older woman could hear it in her voice.

“I had what felt like at least ten IVs and intra-arterial lines. I don’t think it was that many but I was full of wires and tubing thankfully they only lasted a few days” Emma explained with a faux mirth in her voice. Even the comforting way the blonde’s fingers were playing with Regina’s tresses did not lessen the unease she felt or heard in her lover’s speech. The former Queen could have been there, to hold her hand and sooth the pain the blond had felt. She could have sat by her bedside and eased every ache and reduced any discomfort. She could have been anything Emma needed her to be.

“I slept a lot. The first day they had me on this heating pad, I was freezing. You know when you go outside in winter and you struggle to breathe?” Emma asked though her tone had changed. Regina realised because Emma had been cold for three months, she had gotten used to it. By the sound of things it hadn’t been the same deep level of cold as that first day but still Emma had been suffering since that day. Regina curled tighter into the body next to hers, trying to maintain Emma’s heat with her own.

“Yes”, Regina answered breathlessly, looking upwards at her bed fellow to see that Emma was finally looking back at her.

“That kinder cold” Emma confirmed softly. “The second day they gave me earplugs because I was extremely sensitive to sound. The clock in the room hurt when it ticked” the other woman said as she lifted her hand to her head in a soothing motion as if trying to rub the memory away. Regina fought the urge to do the same. She settled for holding the hand in her own that little tighter.

“The headaches were a bitch... would be considering I’d had my head opened up” Emma said laughing softly though her eyes told Regina there was nothing to find humorous. The thought of being inside someone’s head, dealing with their brain made Regina feel nauseous.  She suspected if Regina ever shared this view Emma would think she was crazy considering the former Queen’s ability and past of taking and crushing hearts.

“They kept coming in, asking me all these questions. What day was it? What’s my name? Did I know where I was? Who is president? Rather thankful it’s still Obama or I’d be screwed” Emma continued with a much more genuine laugh. The other woman’s fingers were still stroking Regina’s hair and dancing across her hand which was now laid flat against Emma’s middle. The former Mayor could almost pretend it was just any other night Henry spent at his grandparents’ if only the topic under discussion was more enjoyable.

“They were basically checking they hadn’t messed up my brain. Oh I can do sudokus now. Not like really quickly but I can do them” Emma said flashing a smile that showed how proud she was of herself. A smile Regina couldn’t help but return. The brunette could remember on more than one occasion the other woman would try and fail to do one of Regina’s Sudoku puzzles.

“Well done dear” Regina replied and saw Emma’s smile increase. It was a small triumph, but seeing how proud of herself the other woman looked Regina couldn’t help but feel equally as proud. Something, even if it was something as small as a puzzle had made Emma’s life easier and make her feel accomplished these last few months, Regina was grateful for it. 

“It’s been three months since I had it done, so I could drive again though it took me like seven hours to do a four hour drive” Emma continued with a slight eye roll. Regina remembered the journey from when she adopted Henry. The journey back however had taken considerably longer than the journey there due to a screaming new born, causing her to stop many times.

“I just wanted to take it slow and with talking to mom and everything, it just tired me out you know” the young woman explained looking slightly shameful. Regina remembered Charming saying Snow was too busy to pick up Henry, and she remembered the bitterness she felt at hearing the words. Snow had in fact been talking to Emma, for seven hours. For once she felt guilt towards her ill thoughts about her former stepdaughter.

The fact that Emma had called Snow, even knowing why did not make it easier to hear. Regina should have been the one Emma called. She would have listened and talking as Emma drove the distance separating them. She would have still been angry and would have screamed at Emma upon her arrival but she would have been what Emma needed her to be for those hours. Or maybe the blonde would have told her everything and there would have been no shouting at all.

“I told her not to tell you, I wanted to do it myself. I owed you that” Emma said her voice barely over a whisper, her tone dripped with sorrow and guilt. Regina felt her stomach flip dramatically because Emma had told the person she’d rang after hearing the fatal news. She had shared her terminal story with the woman she had rung at the moment she needed someone. It hadn’t been her; it had been her mother. Regina was surprised Snow had even let the young woman leave the apartment upon her return to Storybrooke.

Regina remembered Snow standing in Granny’s and looking over them. It had looked as if she was going to come over and talk them. Regina had practically run with Henry out of the place before her former stepdaughter got her chance. However it hadn’t been to cause a scene or to start another argument as Regina had believed but maybe to tell Regina, Emma was coming home. To give her warning or maybe just to tell her of Emma’s prognosis.

“I think she nearly did” Regina admitted, ignoring the pain she felt at the knowledge that it had not been her Emma had rang. Ignoring the pain that it had looked like Emma’s story was yet another secret Snow had almost shared despite being told not to. It had not been because of Snow that she hadn’t been able to divulge Emma’s secret but Regina leaving the diner before she could. “Henry and I were in the diner when you rang Snow earlier and looked as if…” Regina explained being cut off by the look of horror upon Emma’s face.

“God Henry…” the blonde exclaimed softly. The sunken eyes were wide in dread, before they closed slowly. Regina expected the blonde to pull away from her, though much to her own surprise she felt Emma’s grip upon her hand tighten. The brunette felt her pain towards Emma ebb with understand and instead shared the pain she saw on her lover’s face.

Regina had her own feeling of dread. Their little boy wouldn’t be so little anymore once he knew what was going to happen to his other mother. Everything would change. But he did deserve to know. “Emma we’ll do it together. I will tell you until I’m blue in the face; you don’t have to do this alone” Regina reassured softly. They could do this, and do it together. She watched as Emma’s tears fell. Before the brunette could move to swipe the stray tears away, the other woman let go of her hand and did herself. When Emma’s hand was laid upon hers again she felt the damp tears coating them.

“I know. I always knew Regina; I just didn’t…want to put you and Henry through it” Emma explained her tears still fell hard down her face. Regina felt her own eyes burn and vision cloud as her own tears formed. Whether she agreed with Emma or not, she could see that Emma believed it. Despite the fact the blonde knew Regina would do it, would have supported her through it all, she had believed she was protecting her. Saving her from the pain of it all, and for that Regina could not have loved her more than she did right now.

“I know what you’re thinking and what you’re going to say…you’d have done it. I know” Emma continued with an almost assured tone to her voice, and small smile graced her lips. She knew Regina so well. The only response the former Mayor could give was a small nod.  She would have. She would have done it and then some. It was what you did for the people you loved. It wouldn’t have been a chore or a burden. It would have been difficult and there would have been tears and probably knowing the pair of them lots of arguments but they would have been together.

“I tried you know” Emma said softly, her voice still thick with emotion though the tears seemed to have stopped falling for now, only the old were drying upon her pale face.

“What?” Regina asked as confusion engulfed her body.

“Telling you” Emma confirmed gently. No she didn’t. Emma had never told her. She hadn’t tried. Regina would have remembered. There was no awkward moment in which Emma could have spoken the words or silences that spanned a lifetime in which they had looked at each other and Regina would have identified what Emma was going through. Regina had dissected any waking moment she would remember of their relationship to work it out and had not come to any conclusion. So no Emma had not tried to tell her.

“No you didn’t” the brunette stated and saw Emma’s face fall. Emma sat up further. Pulling away from Regina once again and the older woman felt her heart sink.

“In the sense of saying the words, no I didn’t. But I did try. So many times” her love explained sounding ever so much like the abandoned orphan she’d been for twenty-eight years, her voice breaking so deeply it physically hurt Regina to listen. Emma’s eyes shone full sorrow and desperation for Regina to understand and believe her. Full of worry that she wouldn’t, and might take her love away from her much as she had done with Snow before she’d left. Emma put up a brave front but she was just as fragile as Regina often felt. Despite Emma’s flight upwards, Regina held on that little tighter, her grip possibly even bruising. She was not letting Emma run away from her.

“But the words never came out” Emma admitted breathlessly.  “I knew once I did, every conversation after would be about my cancer” she continued sadly. It was only then Emma’s hands fell back upon her, though the grip and attention was not as intense as it had previously been.

“That’s not true” Regina exclaimed forcefully.

“What else have we talked about since I told you?” Emma asked her voice void of any emotion, though her facial expression was one of understanding. Regina could only gulp softly. Nothing. All they had talking about since Emma had uttered the words “He found a brain tumour” was that brain tumour. They had fought to lose comfort in one another and even that had threatened to be destroyed by the cancerous cells in Emma's brain. Less than six hours ago Emma had dropped this bomb upon their lives and they had discussed nothing else. What else was there to discuss? Worth discussing?

“Yeah” Emma said sadly. The blonde’s eyes shone with understanding. This had been Emma’s life for months now. She could see that every person that knew about her condition had talked about nothing else. Regina had begged for a chance to forget, if only for a short while in her lover’s embrace; Emma had had no reprieve. Cancer had become her life. Every waking moment, with the knowledge that even in her sleeping hours her body was failing her.

“You left without telling me. You were going to leave without even telling me you were going” Regina said, feeling bad for bringing it up again. Only this time she knew why. Her tone was not one of anger, though she still felt the anger boiling in the pit of her stomach. It was not one of blame, though she still blamed Emma for leaving.

She now understands why Emma left, but it still hurt. It still carried the pain it had for the last three months, because Emma had left her. The one thing she had promised she would never do. As Emma held her close to her chest on their anniversary and they had stood in the doorway of the place Regina had lost the last person she had allowed her heart; Emma had promised she would stay for as long as she had power to do so. Except she hadn’t. Emma had the power to stay or at least to let Regina run with her, and she had abandoned her. Emma would eventually have no power over her coming or going in this world, but three months ago she did. She broke that promise and that hurt more now that she why, than it had that day in Emma’s office.

“I thought it would be easier” Emma admitted gently, her fingers once again working their magic against the back of Regina’s hand resting on Emma’s abdomen.

“For who?” Regina exclaimed unable to hide the feel of disbelief from her voice. How was leaving without a word easier for either them. She supposed it would have been easier for Emma, as she would not have to explain. Easier for Regina in the long run she guessed because she wouldn’t have inadvertently gotten Emma to lie about loving her. She would however still have been tortured by the unknown.  The older woman would still have lost nights of sleep over not knowing what she’s done wrong. What had she done to push the woman she loved away from her? What should she have done to keep her, to keep them both happy? An explanation would have been easier.

“Both of us” Emma answered honestly. Not for the first time Regina could see the flickering of unshed tears in her lover’s eyes. All Regina wanted to do was make it better. Make the pain and heartache fade to nothing. Except there was nothing she could do. There was no magical potion or enchantment she could do to make her Saviour well again. All she could do in response was release a shuddering breath and cling that little bit tighter. The tighter she held on the more secure she felt as she clung to only anchor keeping her afloat, but soon even Emma would be too full of holes to keep her head above the water.

“I was so scared” Emma admitted her voice flickering though there were no accompanying tears from Emma’s eyes. There were some from Regina’s though. The tone shattered her heart and made her feel sick. The thought of Emma being so alone, even if it was by choice and being that alone…That afraid was soul destroying. “I caved you know, the morning of my operation” the blonde continued sounding almost as afraid as she was describing.

“What do you mean?” Regina asked gently not to ruin Emma’s resolve but also not to be too forceful for further confessions.

“I called you”, Emma admitted quietly.

She remembered that call from Emma’s cell. The one that came at around three in the morning. She remembered the hope and anxiety of it all. She remembered the odd noises, sounds of the hospital it seemed. Knowing the exact day of Emma’s operation made it worse. It had been a dateless day; sure three months ago but it could have been any day. Knowing that it was that day…knowing it could have been Emma’s last day. The thought of it was almost crippling. “Emma…” Regina couldn’t help but let her mouth fall open in shock.

Emma simply looked ashamed back at her. Like a child who had been caught with their hand in the cookie jar. Her hand upon her own did not move though. It did not offer any soothing relief or comfort. It was almost completelystill, apart from its slight shake of nerves. Regina couldn’t help but take it in her own. Hold it. Cherish it. Emma was not alone, and she did not need to fight this by herself any longer.

“You should have said something. _Anything_ ” Regina continued in disbelief. She had begged the silent Emma to say something. She had tried to remain calm as her insides turned to butterflies at the mere name on her cell’s screen. She had stayed awake for almost an hour, fighting her tired eyes in case her absent lover called back again, and yet no call came. She’d woken her just after three for nothing, or so Regina had thought. Except she hadn’t. She had called her because she had been scared. On that occasion it had been Regina, not Snow she had called. When she believed she might die in a matter of hours, it had been Regina she had called.

Knowing Emma had rang her on purpose … in the long run it made no difference, except in her heart it meant everything. She had gone months believing Emma did not care. Did not care about her, Henry or their family. Except when it mattered, when Emma was at her most vulnerable she had been the only one she had rung. It had been Emma who made the effort so Regina would be the last familiar voice she would have heard if the operation had gone wrong. Knowing that, made all the difference. The blonde hadn’t spoken, hadn’t said a damn word but she’d rang. 

“I heard your voice. You sounded so happy and relieved I was calling. The words just... I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t take it away from you” Emma explained softly her voice cracking with emotion as tears fell fast down her face. Once again Emma had been trying to save her agony of knowing. What would she have done if she’d known? Travelled the four hours to Boston which in the meantime Emma could have died on the operating table? Regina would have showed up just in time to claim the body of her dead lover.

Regina felt her tears fall scolding hot against her cheek. “You could have died” Regina breathed. The older woman felt Emma’s fingers against her skin. She was trying to soothe something that would never be soothed. Never be loved away. She had the knowledge now. It was there engrained in her mind, almost as deep as it was in Emma’s. The pain was buried so deeply into her heart it hurt to even draw breath. She had talked to Emma the day she could have died. She had cursed Emma’s name when she woke tired a few hours later, all the while Emma was being operated on miles away. 

“The last time I’d have heard your voice…would have been a happy… Okay not _happy_ but not an argument or angry words” Emma explained to their joint hands. That had been one of Regina’s regrets. If she never heard from Emma again, never got to see the woman who had stolen her heart once more; their last words would have been in anger. All Regina had focused on in the last three months were the fights and screaming matches. She had not been able to focus on the good memories for long. They had been tainted by Emma’s apparent betrayal. Only that was wrong. Her assumptions had all been wrong and if Emma had died on that operating table or in that lonely apartment Regina would never have forgiven herself if the last words Emma had heard her say were those of malice.

“Like you said I was a coward” Emma’s ashamed tone interjected her thoughts.

“Emma I didn’t…” Regina cut across her, guilt and worry flooded her system. How could she have said that to her love? Called her a coward when she’d been through all this. Been through all this alone and had done it with her head held high. Emma had seen and done so much and she hadn’t given up, she was still here and fighting. She had known stronger men in The Enchanted Forest; crumble under less than Emma had been through.

“Yeah you did. You meant it, and that’s okay” the younger reassured, her drained face did not hold anger or contempt. Only love and understanding. Regina had meant it. When she’d called Emma that only hours ago she had meant it. She had meant the venom behind the statement and had relished in the look of hurt in Emma’s eyes at the ease of the name calling. She did not mean it now. She would give anything to take it back. To take back all the hurtful things she had said downstairs and to sooth away the pain she had caused. Emma was not a coward.

“You didn’t have to do it alone…” Regina started though the hand holding hers tightened as Emma interrupted her speech.

“Regina…” Emma exclaimed weakly, seemingly trying burying herself into Regina; though at Emma’s raised height it was a difficult feat.

“No quiet for a second. You didn’t have to do it alone, the fact you did I think makes you brave. Stupid and ever your parents’ child, but brave” the former Queen reassured carefully. She watched as shadowed eyes closed slowly as if trying to absorb Regina’s words. They were true; Regina meant them with every fibre of her being. Emma had been foolhardy in her attempt to this all on her own, but the ability to do it was commendable.

“There is no such thing as bravery when it comes to the inevitable Regina. Just because someone fights something with a stiff upper lip does not make them brave” Emma explained with what sounded almost like disdain in her voice. The blond believed she was not worthy of the praise and that she was not brave. Maybe she was right there was nothing else she could do, but it did make her courageous in Regina’s eyes nonetheless.

“There is no choice, no control. All I was doing was stalling the inevitable. All I have been doing is staying alive, it’s not brave” The other woman continued gently as if explaining something simply to a child, though neither her voice nor tone was condescending. To Emma it was a fact of life or she supposed…death. Regina let out a shuddering breath that carried the pain of the unavoidable future. Emma’s grip tightened once more round her frame though Regina couldn’t remember it loosening.

“I fought for it. I never knew if it could ever happen again, but if it could…if…I kept fighting for you and Henry” Emma explained strongly, her tone and shadowed eyes however held uncertainty.

Regina didn’t like the hesitation or the tone. “It sounds like … like you’ve given up?” she stated clearly. The brunette would not let her give up. Not on her, or them. Emma had not been fighting for so long to give up now. Sure the future was inescapable, but that did not mean Emma had to just surrender to it.

She saw Emma’s head shake in the negative and couldn’t help the rush of pleasure at the gesture. “I never could. Pretty sure it’s my hard-headedness and Charming genes but I can’t give up” Emma stated with a half-hearted laugh. Her attempt at a joke. Regina offered her a saddened smile, it was the best she could do. Emma in returned placed a small kiss on the top of her head.

“My ideas of what I’m fighting for, they’ve changed. I can’t fight this Regina, it is going to happen. Now…I’m fighting for time” Emma continued though her tone sounded much more serious now. It sounded honest and if Regina was right, afraid. Time was not something Emma didn’t have much of.

“As much as I can and I want to enjoy it. Time with you, Henry, mom … dad” Emma furthered trying to sound certain and reassuring. Regina heard the tone of hesitance when talking about her father though. She remembered the hurt look in Charming’s eyes when Henry had retold a story from one of Snow and Emma’s phone conversations. Regina couldn’t help but wonder why she had been so distant to her father. She could understand Emma’s reasoning for not keeping in touch with Regina and Henry but she could see no reason to avoid Charming. Not when she had been so forthcoming with Snow, even if their interactions had been a lie.

Before Regina could ask however Emma spoke, diverting her attention away from the former shepherd. “Henry wants to do something tomorrow. With Mom, Dad and me. I was going to ask for permission and then ask if you wanted to come too” Emma explained timidly before her voice died out to nothing.

The tone was one she was very familiar with. One Regina wasn’t happy with or liked that she knew it well. It was the one that Emma had used in the start of their relationship when it came to Henry. She had been unsure of her limitations, what she had been allowed to do with their son and what her place had been in their small family. This question was asking for permission. While it was polite, and good mannered that wasn’t where the question came from. It came from uncertainty. Uncertainty of their relationship, of the place she held in their son’s life.

“Of course, you don’t have to ask dear. Whatever it is I’d love to join you two” Regina replied. No she did not want to spend time with the Charming duo however if it made Emma and their son happy she would do it. She would put on her usual mask and biggest smiles and enjoy their day together. She would do that for the two people she loved more than anything.

“I don’t want him to know yet” Emma exclaimed softly, her eyes flickering with worry that Regina couldn’t help but emulate.  

She wanted to point out it was Emma’s avoidance that had lead them here. Three months with no contact, Regina worrying herself sick for all the wrong reasons. She didn’t worry enough because she’d never been told. But much like Regina herself, Emma was allowed to pretend. If only for a little while. They would talk and decide together.

“Okay” Regina replied simply, though the look of worry did not shift from the blonde’s face.

“I know I need to tell him. I will. Just not yet. He was so happy when he saw me” the younger woman explained her face almost full of the wonderment Regina could imagine their son’s had held when he’d seen his birth mother earlier in the evening. But the wonder was lost in the blink of eye much like Henry’s would be when they finally told him. “He won’t be happy anymore when we tell him” the former Sherriff said her voice almost void of the happiness that was always present when she talked about Henry.

We…Emma said we. She was right and it was that petrified her most; apart from the obvious of course. Regina was Henry’s mother she was meant to make everything better. She had always made things better when he was little. A kiss and cuddle could cure almost anything. For everything else the fix had been a movie, while eating ice cream, wrapped in a blanket that came up to their chin. No amount of kisses, cuddles or bowls of ice cream could make this better. Emma and Regina were going to have to tell their son, and that was the worst pain of all. Henry was the truest believer, he believed in happy endings and happily ever after. He believed in his mothers and there was nothing neither of them could do but break his belief. Neither was invincible.

Regina snuggled in tighter. If someone had told her thirty years ago that she, The Evil Queen would be a fan of “snuggling” into anyone she would have blasted them away with a fireball. She would have believed them less if they had said the only place in any world she felt safe was in the arms of Snow White’s daughter. And yet here she was wrapped tightly around the woman she loved. Though Regina couldn’t figure out which woman was clinging onto the other more tightly. Both afraid of what would happen to them if they let go.

“Could we wait? Give him tomorrow? Tell him after or something” Emma suggested, her tone still one of panic though to a lesser degree. It seemed the idea that she was not alone in this anymore was finally sinking in.

“Yes” Regina exhaled, unsure she could keep her emotions at bay for much longer. She had to be strong for both Emma and Henry. She was frightened though. The thought of one more day. A few hours, that was all that stood between Henry’s brightest smiles and infectious laughter and his mothers destroying his happiness. As Emma had said it was inevitable.

“I want him to enjoy it. He won’t be anymore if he knows. I want him to be happy” Emma explained sadly. Regina had no retort or defending argument. Emma was right. Maybe they should tell him sooner rather than later, but what was a few hours of fun. They’d be giving him some family time with his mothers and grandparents before they ripped his world apart and turned it upside down.

“Okay” came Regina’s easy submission.

She hated that she now understood. She did not completely agree with it. She did not approve. Emma had left her without an explanation. She’d robbed them all of the time left. She, Emma had done that. But it was to spare both of them the pain she knew they had to inflict upon their son. And yes, she supposed Emma’s feeling of selfishness was right, because she would give anything not to do it. Not to rip apart his dreams and ideals. His belief in everything good and right. There was no good in this. There was no right. Emma was good. She had achieved so much and yet so little. It was neither fair nor right that her love’s life was being taken away from her. From them. Emma was good and did not deserve this.

There was a pause before Emma spoke again. “Regina…” the former sheriff breathed warily.

“Yes”, the brunette replied not liking Emma’s cautious tone. Emma sounded frightened.

“Can I tell you now?” Emma’s broken whisper sounded so softly it was almost as if she felt it rather than heard it.

It took Regina a moment to remember what Emma meant. The thing Emma had wanted to tell her. The thing she had stopped Emma from revealing in fear of the fallout. Instead she took shelter in the depths of warm flesh it seemed would not hold their heat for long. Sweet kisses, baited breath. Feathered touches and delicate declarations of love. Much like Emma she had tried to run, only her flight had been into the arms of her lover not over two hundred miles away in Boston. Her escape she knew would never work and she would always have to come back to reality. But then it seemed so did Emma for she was here, pressed into her, her fingers caressing her so gently, so carefully as if it were Regina who was broken and damaged. 

She could not speak. Emma’s tone suggested it worse still than all she had divulged in the last few hours. Fear and dread coursed through her veins. All she could do is nod, because maybe Emma was right in her well placed fingers and soothing touches. Maybe she was about to break, fall into the abyss that had no bottom but instead of a gleeful freefall their relationship had been, all it would hold was hurt and despair.

Emma placed a kiss into Regina’s hairline, inhaling her. Almost as if stealing one last kiss before the final blow was delivered. The brunette couldn’t help but turn her head a little; leaning into the soft lips she loved so much. The lips that had offered her a future they would never live. A future her and their son would venture through alone with only fading memories of the woman they’d had to leave behind. The woman who had made the last two years full of life for them and had created joy from pain and heartache.

“Before I went to Mom’s I went to see Gold. I made a deal with him” Emma breathed warm air against her skin that had turned ice cold at the confession. 


	11. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down. *Established Swan Queen*

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

 **Author** : Calliope-plantain

 **Rating:**  M

 **Pairing:** Regina/Emma

 **Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

 **Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

 **Author's Note:** Due to length, this chapter was split prior to completion. I hope to get the second part finished and to you by the 2nd of March – though my health may not permit it.   

 **Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she’s missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)

_“The next heart you crush will be mine” – 45-Spacer._

“You did what!” Regina all but yelled at the woman lying only inches away from her. Regina moved to sit up not caring about the bunched towel that fell from her frame. She was now looking Emma in the eye begging her for an explanation, only Emma didn’t answer.

Gold. Emma had made a deal with Gold. That didn’t make sense. Why would she do that? Why would she chain herself into a debt with the former Wool Spinner? Emma knew how dangerous it could be. The blonde knew about the former Queen and the man’s past, Emma herself had even owed him a favour years ago. Why would she do this to herself again? To them?

“But why would she do it”, the thought kept repeating in her mind.  She had said Gold was unable to do anything when she was first diagnosed. Why would she go back to him now? She couldn’t help the rush of hope pumping through her veins. It was almost as strong as the feeling of fear bubbling in her insides. The Dark One had been able to do something. Surely Emma should have lead with this instead of telling her everything. Yes Regina wanted to know, she was thankful she did know but it could have waited.  This…this was much more important than that other stuff. It was vital and uplifting. It was hope and happiness. It was a dream come true. This is what Emma should have started her story with. With a dread that nearly knocked all the air out of her, she considered the price. What did Gold now hold over Emma? What unspeakable deed did he ask of her? What was Emma now being forced to do, in return for her life?

“What was the price?” Regina asked with a rush breath. She had to know maybe she could reverse it. Maybe she could make her own deal with Gold to null and void Emma’s terms. Maybe she could use her own magic to save the young woman from whatever fate her former teacher had forced upon her.

“What?” Emma asked clearly confused. It wasn’t a difficult concept. In fact when it came to Rumplestiltskin it was a very simple process.

“What was the price Emma? What is he making you pay?” the brunette fired, feeling her inside turn to mush. This was real fear. Fears only ever matched by watching Henry take his own heart from his chest for Pan, and the time that followed. You did not make deals with Gold, Emma knew it! Regina’s hand caught easily on Emma’s knee and gave it a slight squeeze. It was all she could offer.

“He said he didn't want much” Emma answered back her tone now of equal urgency. Much ... the imp didn’t want much. That didn’t sound like Gold. Not in the slightest. “He said he didn't want much from a dying woman” Emma confirmed breathlessly and it felt as Regina had been shot through the chest. The wind had been simply knocked out of her and all she could do was watch Emma getting off the bed and tightening the robe around her. Distancing herself from Regina yet again, except the brunette did not follow. She couldn’t move.

“What did he want?” Regina asked her voice slightly octaves higher than usual.

“Some of my hair” Emma answered her tone now increasing in panic it hadn’t had previously. Regina was making her worried. Emma should be worried. You don’t just make deals with the imp and everything is fine. Regina was living proof of that. Why did he want Emma’s hair?

“Hair...” Regina asked her inner question cautiously.

“True Love” Emma mumbled quietly her head hanging low and her hands playing with cord around her middle. She wasn’t looking at Regina a sure sign that something was wrong. True love though what did that have to do with anything? Gold had his in Belle. “He had some from Mom and Dad’s to bring back magic. He'd been using it to bottle true love or something” the blonde explained altering her weight between her feet, almost shuffling from side to side. Regina knew about that. Gold had brought magic back after the curse broke.

“What does that have to do with you?” Regina asked softly. Part of her was glad it seemed whatever it was, was not connected to Emma being the Saviour. She was very thankful for that.

“I'm the product of true love” the younger woman responded tilting her lowered head to the side and risked one eye with a squint in Regina’s direction. Emma’s reply was an easy enough answer. It made sense, replenishing the stock except Regina couldn’t help but think of what he did the last time was an ingredient so valuable. That couldn't be it. Gold did not work on easy. Sure maybe for Neal...for Henry but something still wasn't right.

“What was the deal?” Regina asked as she leant forward slightly though the blonde’s raised eye was lowered again. A clear sign of avoidance. Emma was afraid, and Regina had scared her. The former Queen needed to know. Needed to know what was coming and why. Except the question wasn't asked as Regina former Queen or Mayor. She asked as Emma’s lover and partner. What had Emma asked for? What had she gotten them in return for a few strands of hair?

“Emma _please_ what did you ask for?” Regina asked not caring for her begging tone. She was safe with Emma. It was not a weakness with her. To be vulnerable with Emma was okay. The other woman had said she was dying so what had she asked for. Had Gold being able to procure some miracle? Had he allowed Emma and her family more time?

“Time did you ask for time?” the older woman asked trying to keep her voice as calm as possible. Emma wouldn’t answer her if she was scared or feared of a rebuffing. She knew Emma. Regina had gotten things wrong in the past but she knew Emma better than the back of her own hand. She could see the young woman’s resolve crumbling. Regina needed to know the facts. These facts and fast.

Emma shook her head, vigorously so and Regina couldn’t help the pang of worry deep with her chest at the thought of what was growing inside her skull. It was like a time bomb waiting to go off with no counter balance or way of refusing it. Emma needed to be careful. “No ... yes but he couldn't give it” Emma answered quickly as if hearing it would lessen the blow, like ripping off a Band-Aid. Emma looked so small in the robe that was slightly too big for her and holding herself so tightly. Regina ached to be those arms holding Emma so tightly. She would once this was over once she knew the answers, she’d hold Emma so tightly she could never escape again.

 “Emma please, tell me!” Regina begged again, only this time Emma looked up completely as if readying herself for battle. Her stance was one of pure defence though, as if she were afraid for Regina’s attack and it sickened the brunette. Emma’s eyes raised upwards as her teeth worried her bottom lip. Contemplation of what to say next, it was a look Regina knew well. It comforted her slightly.

“He gave me the best health he could, until…it happens. This is it” Emma answered her voice shuddering dangerously though the tone was one docility.  It was with a flick of her wrist down herself Emma gave her a sad smile. This was the best Gold could do? How was this it? This was what had become of the head strong and perceiving woman Regina had fallen so deeply in love with. God what had Emma been like before she saw Gold?

“You didn't see me Regina. It all got too much and the infection pretty much wiped me out” Emma continued as if she was backtracking and Regina realised she hadn’t spoken after her confession. What was there to say? What could she say? She was powerless, a pawn in fate’s grand plan just as she had always been. Much like Emma had always been though it seemed her time was coming to swift end and there was nothing that could be done. Regina couldn’t help but flinch at Emma’s unintentional wording. How could one human body withstand so much and still be upright. How was that even possible, and how was it Emma believed knowing all this, going through all this did not make her brave? In Regina’s eyes it made her the bravest person she’d ever met. Also possibly the most stupid or certainly in the running for the title against her parents because who made a damn deal with Rumplestiltskin!

“He gave me the ability to enjoy whatever you and Henry offered me. I'm still...I'm dying. He couldn't stop that” Emma admitted carefully, her hand now returned back to its previous place around the blonde’s midriff. Regina felt the stab of pain directly to her heart and bitter taste in her mouth. Emma was still dying. It felt as if Emma was breaking the news to her all over again, and she struggled to breath passed the lump in her throat.

“I was a wreck” Emma continued her voice cracking and Regina could feel the pain Emma must have felt. She wished more than anything she could carry that burden for Emma. Carry the pain and sorrow, if only for a little while. Her own was suffocating her but she’s gladly taken on more if it meant Emma no longer had to.

“Hearing the doctor say there was nothing else they could do... it broke me” the blonde said her voice breaking before fizzling out. Regina felt herself trying to calm her breathing but she could feel her own grief rising from within. Feel it threatening to consume her and she couldn’t let it. She would cry and scream; and grieve but she would do it with her lover in her arms. She would be the strength Emma needed now. She would give it all up for the woman she loved if only the former Sheriff would let her.

“I’d kept wishing for magical cures and miracles. I kept wishing that being the saviour meant something. Being the product of true love meant something. In this world I'm just a person not worth much to anyone” Emma finished quietly to the foot of their bed and Regina couldn’t help but move towards the other woman at the tone in Emma’s voice. That was not true!

“Emma...” Regina said cautiously, trying to take one of the blonde’s hands only to it pulled away. Emma rubbed her hand across her eyes, much like Henry did when he was tired. The younger woman shook her head in a negative.  She was worth everything. She always had been. She was worth the world and then some. Gold had offered her a deal probably knowing her desire for product of true love status to mean something as the condition; and Emma had taken it.

 “They offered me hospice care” the other woman confessed quietly. Hospice care was for the dying. For comfort and no more worries or burdens. An easy and carefree way of passing on. Emma really was dying. “I did the first thing that came into my head. I discharged myself and I came home” Emma continued her confession with a wavering tone. Her arms shielding her from the outside world.

“So you came back because you were too weak and needed help?” Regina asked clearly, trying to understand.

“What? No!” Emma said her voice rising in record time, and her darkened eyes finally came to rest upon her. While Emma’s face suggested upset and annoyance at the suggestion, her story simply said something else. Emma had found out she was dying, there was nothing she could do so instead of going to an unknown hospice she had come back to Storybrooke.

“That's what it sounds like” the brunette retorted. She hadn’t meant anything bad by the question but it certainly did sound like Emma had given up and had returned home to receive the help she needed in the time she had left. Regina was angry again now though. Not at Emma needed help. God not at that. Emma was too stubborn to admit it. She would have given it readily.

Emma turned slightly, the too big for her bathrobe swayed in the whoosh of wind caused by the moment. Regina could feel her own heart beating within her chest, the beating drum quickening by the second. There was nothing wrong in needing help, nor asking for it. It was something Regina never thought she’d say or think. She’d been taught love was weakness but Emma and Henry had taught it wasn’t. It was strength. It was vital to live. Before Emma and Henry, Regina had been surviving not living. Her need for vengeance had sustained her but now she was truly alive. Emma had taught her that and made her feel that with every fibre of her being. It was not weak to need help or to seek it. Except Emma hadn’t been too weak had she? She’d gone to Gold, the one damn person someone like Emma did not need help from.

Regina could see Emma’s face reflecting in the mirror across from their bed. The blonde’s head was slightly bowed as her fingers gripped the chair of the vanity. Emma was breathing heavily, though from this angle the older woman couldn’t see if tears had fallen. So many tears had been shed so far tonight. Was this what their life would hold until the inevitable came? Would both women just be caught in an endless rollercoaster of tears, fights and comfort? They would hold on to each other as tight as could be during the steep track up merely to separate at the top and fall with a sheer drop into the uncertain abyss; only to seek the need in the other’s arms at the bottom. A repeated routine until the day Regina would fall alone into nothingness.

The eyes of Emma’s reflection rose to hers, even in the dim light Regina could see the tears that threatened to fall. She could see the raging breathes the other woman was pulling into her lungs as if she was being suffocated by an unseen force. Regina couldn’t move. Her body just wouldn’t cross the distance between them. It could not offer the comfort Emma needed, because what comfort could be given. How could Emma have been so stupid as to go to Gold? Maybe the hair was all he needed but it was certainly enough. Regina had seen the man cause havoc and mayhem with less than a few strands of hair.  

The eyes in the mirror lowered again, clearly not getting the comfort they required. It was then the sob rang out. Regina saw the lips she loved so much open and heard the cry fall from them and saw the body she adored shake uncontrollably so. Before Regina could even register what she had to do Emma was moving away. She walking towards the door Regina had left opening when she brought up their drinks. “I came home” the fleeing woman cried over her shoulder as she pulled the door to, with a resounding slam.

Regina was left in the deafening silence in Emma’s wake, which seemed to vibrate with the energy she had left behind. With the pulsating magic Regina felt buzzing within her skin. Emma had come home and it was almost too late. She'd gone to Gold for help instead of asking Regina. She had made decisions that would affect all their lives forever, without even asking. Just as she had done three months ago when she left for Boston without warning. She could see the lasting pain of the previous few months, the illness and her situation etched into her love's face. The beautiful face of the woman she loved was permanently marred by the agony she’d faced alone. The universe had screwed them all over, and Emma had rolled out the welcoming mat and had given it free reign. 

Regina felt the strangled cry fight its way up her throat and let it tarnish the perfect silence as she jumped out of their bed. With rushed anger she treaded heavily over to her dresser pulling out a pair of pyjamas at random before pulling them on roughly. Regina could still feel the residual heat of Emma’s body against her skin. Could still feel the feathered touch of the other woman’s fingertips. Those sensations had never left her, just as the sound of her voice had never faded from Regina’s mind. They were things. Personal things Regina would never forget, and it seemed fate was trying to tear them away from her yet again. The former queen felt herself sag against the adjacent wardrobe as her tears overcame her.

Regina felt her legs give way as she slid to the ground, her body failing to struggle against the grief that was forcing itself down upon her. How could this be it? How was she supposed to keep going? Knowing what was going to happen. Knowing that Emma wasn’t going to be there to hold her every night and wake up next to her every morning. Knowing that there would be a time when she would never get to taste those lips again or hear Emma’s enchanting laugh. How was she meant to keep going knowing Henry’s other mother would never see him graduate or simply grow up into the handsome man she knew he would become. Knowing that the agony she had wished upon her enemy for decades was finally coming and Regina would give anything to make it stop. This wasn’t supposed to happen. 

Regina let her head fall upon her rested knees, feeling her tears soak through the silk trousers and not really caring. Expensive and material items meant nothing against love. She had figured that out long ago. The curse had never satisfied her but then Maleficent had warned as much. She had taken her chance because nothing could be worse than what she was experiencing then. How foolish she had been. There is always worse. Sitting scrunched alone upon the floor of her and her partner’s bedroom she realised things could always be worse. Regina fought back a shiver at the thought before panic flooded her system. Emma had stormed off wearing only a bathrobe. It was Regina’s thicker robe but it still wouldn’t do much to hold out the cold. Emma said she'd look at her differently, and right now she did not care if the blonde was right.

At a bound she was up, out of the room and down the stairs in seconds.There was no light on in the whole house, but then what need was there for one in late June. Regina could see from the light shining into the hall way while the sun wasn’t fully up it would be within the hour. A noise from the kitchen caught the former Queen’s attention and without thought she followed it.

She found the absent woman sitting at the kitchen table now donned in clothes from the partially destroyed cardboard box. There was left over items in a pile on the side. The blonde’s forehead was resting upon the cold wood, arms resting at either side of her head. The stance made the older woman feel nervous, though she could see in their time apart Emma had stopped crying. Her breathing was still coming out in slightly laboured puffs though. Emma’s posture did not project comfort. It suggested pain. Regina could remember the night of the missed spelling bee, Emma had sat much in the same position as she did right now. Blocking out the pain and world. Had she pushed Emma too far? She didn't want to make any of this worse, but then there was little that she could to make it worse. She watched as Emma's body tensed, clearly sensing her watchful eye.

There was a moment's pause before Emma turned her head slightly looking directly at her. The blonde’s eyes were bloodshot and sore looking. They looked much as Regina’s felt. As if there was sand being rubbed around inside. The brunette felt her heart drop at the intense look her lover was giving her. It was an equal match of anger and sorrow. It was a change from usual looks Emma gave her. Devotion, anger and if she was a little bit honest with herself possibly her favourite was anger mixed with passion. It was the look Emma had almost continuous glared at her with during her first year in Storybrooke. Right now she missed it. She’d give anything for the sadness to leave Emma’s eyes. Except the sadness was unavoidable. Emma was dying and she’d stupidly gone to Gold for assistance. Maybe Emma and she after talking about it would have gone to Gold for help, but it would have been a joint decision after ruling out the pros and cons. 

“Did you come for atonement?” Regina asked cautiously, leaning back against the doorframe. Keeping her distance was possibly best for this conversation. Except it was a decision she regretted making the second Emma’s cry rang out in the small room as one of the blonde’s hand came down against the wood hard. Regina moved to offer some comfort ... anything, as Emma buried her face in her hands again. Regina watched as Emma pulled on her hair, and heard the anguish screams and felt her stomach flip at the action.

“I didn't want to be alone” Emma confessed with a broken stutter into her mess of limbs. The heart within Regina’s chest felt as if it crumbled at the noise. The fragmented sobs of her damaged lover resounded in the huge kitchen. Regina once again felt her legs weakening beneath her, only this time she made a stand. She stepped forward, towards Emma as the blonde head was raised and glistening reddened green eyes stared back at her.

“I am a coward, and I am selfish. I wanted my family back!” Emma all but shouted at her in desperation. Tears streamed down her fair face. Her tone also held guilt. Guilt for making Regina suffer this too. She was sorry for giving Regina the pain she’d carried alone. Emma wasn’t concentrating on the gift she’d given her with it. The gift of the time left. The memories they could create together. Memories Regina would carry in her heart and soul for the rest of eternity.

“I didn't expect forgiveness. I don't deserve it” Emma spat looking away from her once again, only this time her gaze travelled the length of the kitchen. A hand was bunched yet again roughly into the blonde hair. “I didn't expect you to even let me into your house never mind your bed or your heart again. I didn't expect this” the blonde admitted quietly and Regina watched in profile as further tears slid down Emma’s cheek.

Regina’s breath caught and ached in her chest. Their house; their bed. Emma had never left her heart not for a moment. That is what made their time apart so difficult. Regina had repeatedly said Emma didn't have to be alone. Emma was sitting in their _home_ because she did not want to be alone. She didn't want to die alone. She did not expect to forgive Emma. She wasn't sure she even had or could when she knew what they could have had in those missed months. But she wasn’t about to throw away what they did have. What they could have during Emma’s remaining time because she was angry and hurt. She had given into those emotions far too often in the past and it nearly destroyed everything. She would be happy and enjoy what time they had left together. She wanted to be happy.

“I love you” Regina responded as if it was enough of an answer, and it was. Emma turned her head once more. She looked completely destroyed. Regina loving her was never meant to make her look so pained. So broken. As if she didn't deserve it.

“I love you” Emma replied. She was saying it, not responding to Regina’s own confession. And it broke her heart. Loving someone and having them love you back was not meant to hurt so much. It hurt because there was nothing they could do. Nothing they could do to stop it from coming. Emma had fought her damned hardest, even Regina could see that and yet here they were. Regina trying so hard to be uncharacteristically optimistic while Emma was living on borrowed time. Time the blonde had managed to take and grasp onto because of her half successful treatments.

“I'm sorry” Emma breathed. The look in Emma’s eyes said she was saying sorry for everything. Sorry for running. Sorry for coming back and putting her through all this. Sorry for loving her and causing this pain. Sorry for being mortal. Sorry she was dying.

Regina stepped forward cautiously in case this wasn’t what Emma wanted. Only Emma didn’t move or object this time, and so Regina wrapped her arms around her. The brunette pulled her impossibly close and held on. One of Emma’s hands was rested upon her hip. It wasn’t rushed or forced. The hold was simply there, as if reassuring. The slight crouch due to their height difference strained Regina’s back a little and she didn’t care as she rested her chin upon the recently cut tresses.

“Gold doesn’t do quick and easy Emma. I…thank you” Regina said feeling her throat strain with emotion. She was letting them enjoy what whatever time Emma had left and had made sure they’re last memories would be filled of Emma at the high of her health or at least what Gold could give her. Sure she had witnessed Emma having headaches but they weren’t as bad as they had been before she left and they seemed manageable by pain medication. She’d seen Emma’s inability to keep warm for long periods of time but an extra layer of clothes sorted that too. What Gold had given them was considering the circumstances, almost perfect.  Henry even when the time came would not remember his birthmother being in extremely levels of pain. He would remember that he was loved right up until the end. Emma’s deal with Gold had given him that. Had given Regina that. Except Gold’s deals weren’t ever that clean cut. Not ever.

“But did you not consider the fallout” she inquired delicately.

“No I just made the decision on a whim” Emma answered her tone dripping with sarcasm. 

Regina bite back the retort that, that was exactly what it sounded like Emma had done. The blonde had heard her doctors could do nothing else for her and understandably so reacted. Only it did not sound as if Emma had thought it though and considered the circumstances of her decision. The saviour was not the first nor would she be the last to fall victim to Rumpelstiltskin’s ways. He sort the weak and wanting and offered them exactly what they needed. But it always came at a price. A price the person would never see the downside of or would choose to ignore because they never believed it would be as bad as the situation they were in.

“Gold may have meant what he said. This could be all you get…we get; and that’s…that’s incredible” Regina spoke softly, her voice filled with amazement. Except she could feel the feeling inside. The boiling feeling of dread; waiting for the other shoe to drop as it were. “But he can use that hair…your hair anyway he wants. It’s his now” Regina added attentively in an attempted to sooth the woman in her arms. She was afraid of what the Dark One might do with her lover’s hair but at least for now, she wasn’t angry at the woman. She understood.

“Did you forgot he used your parents’ hair to bring back magic, and then summoned a Wraith to suck out my soul which lead to you being transported to the Enchanted Forest. Amongst other things” Regina explained trying as hard as she could sound not judgemental. Not angry. Calm. She did not want another fight. She craved to have Emma in her arms and she wanted to keep her there. She never wanted to let her go. Except Emma pushed the standing woman backwards forcefully, using Regina’s hip as leverage.

Regina had to take several steps backwards to balance her and stop her from tripping and falling to the ground. The hurt and confusion she felt at Emma’s resistance was nothing to the emotions she felt at the look upon Emma’s face. She saw anger and what looked somewhat like hatred. Regina felt the rush of nausea and couldn’t help but hold her breath through it.

“Well I’m sorry, Emma fucks up again!” the blonde screamed at her, and it instantly became apparent the feeling of anger and hatred were aimed at the blonde herself. It did nothing to ease the repulsive feeling her stomach, because it was a feeling Regina knew all too well.

“Emma…” the brunette exhaled. Regina didn’t even know if she could offer comfort. It was possible Gold had wanted her hair to replace the lost potion and would simply keep it. A trophy as it were. Except he had kept Snow and Charming’s hair for decades before putting it to use. Maybe the Dark One would wait and use it after they were no longer at risk? Regina could hope for nothing less at the expense of what they’d been given.

“God how could you ever put up with someone as shit as me” Emma said her voice filled with self-loathing. Regina had never heard Emma use a tone like it and it only intensified the sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach. The former Mayor swallowed the bitterness she felt rise in her throat.

“Don’t…” Regina warned softly, feeling her chest clench at the sound of her love’s words.

“Don’t treat me with pity Regina. I may deserve a lot of things, but pity isn’t one of them” Emma said with almost a snarl turning fully in her seat so they were now looking directly at each other.

“Emma I wasn’t” Regina stuttered. The former Evil Queen stuttered under the deathly glare her lover had her under. It effectively pinned her to the spot because the look upon Emma’s face terrified her. A moment later she saw the flicker of defeat and the roll of Emma’s eyes upwards as if sending out a silent prayer to anyone who was listening.  The blonde cupped her hands around her face, shielding her from view. Though neither sobs nor audible cries could be heard and Regina resisted the urge to go to Emma again. To hold her. It was obvious that right now the other woman did not want it, expect it seemed as if Emma believed she did not deserve it. It was passed Emma’s usual flare-ups of weakening self-esteem. Emma truly believed it and it broke Regina heart to witness. Maybe she should just do it. Go to her, hold her and never let go. Fight through Emma’s attempt to stop it until the young woman had no more fight in her. Until she realised just how deserving of love and comfort she really was. 

“Fuck” she heard the other spit in frustration. It was then Regina remembered Emma’s explanation of her mood swings. That she would be happy one minute and another emotion the next. Was this what this was? Was Emma’s side of the argument yet another side effect of her condition? It wasn’t as if she could ask and check. It would make Emma even angrier and rightly so if it was genuine.

“Emma…” Regina breathed again, hearing her voice buckle considerably. She just wanted to make it better. Make it as better as she could, and enjoy Emma’s company. She did not want further fights or things to be said in anger that they’d regret later. If this was a side effect it would have to be Emma that dealt with what words she had spoken in misplaced anger. She supposed at least Regina knew now, except it was making her doubt Emma’s outbursts when maybe she shouldn’t do. She really was looking at Emma in a whole new light and she detested it.

 “Will you please just stop” Emma shouted at her, her voice filled with pained desperation as her head shot back up. “I managed without a mother for twenty-eight years of my life. I don’t need to be told what a bad little girl I’ve been” the other woman continued almost spitting with venom but Regina could see it wasn’t aimed at her but maybe herself once more. Emma had always seen herself as not good enough. Not special enough. She saw herself in a way that was enough to survive but her damaged past had all but ruined her self-esteem. There were moments when Regina would complement her and the older woman saw the disbelief in the blonde’s eyes. She saw doubt and even amazement in her features because Emma truly believed she wasn’t good enough.

“I have Mary-Margret for that” Emma carried on and Regina heard the unmistakable tone of disappointment. Regina never thought she’d miss Emma calling the woman “Mom”, because of course the former sheriff had spoken to Snow. For hours the two women had spoken and had discussed Emma’s prognosis and decisions. Emma had heard most of this from her mother, and Regina knew Snow wouldn’t have let it drop. Just as she had done to Emma when she revealed their relationship, and to Regina when Emma had left. Snow didn’t know when to let things lie. Regina was now doing the same.

“I get it I fucked up. I should have told you. I shouldn’t run. I should have…I can’t change it. None of it” Emma’s voice broke. Regina could see in her face it broke for what had passed, and what could have been. It broke over the “buts” and “what ifs”. It broke over the tatters of what their future should have been, and Regina couldn’t help but share in the pain and tears, and felt hers fall and die upon her face.

“I cried, begged and prayed Emma. Me. I don't beg and I don't believe in ... God. Whatever form people are meant to be believe in” Regina added superciliously and could feel Emma’s unwavering gaze upon her every movement. “But I did it. I begged you to come home. I prayed that you'd be okay. I begged you to stay, I begged you to come home” Regina continued her tone softening with every word under Emma’s watchful scrutiny. With a shake of her head, Regina saw more tears fall from Emma’s face. The blonde was no longer hiding her tears, and in part Regina was happier for it. Emma was letting her in.

“I wanted to come back” Emma admitted softly and Regina couldn’t help the small pained smile she gave at the confession.

“You should have” the older woman answered easily. She’d been saying it all along.

“I know” Emma exhaled, her eyes still swimming though only the occasional tear was permitted to fall, marking the young face. Regina took pause for a moment. A moment to consider what Emma had just said. Emma knew she should have come back. Wasn’t hindsight an agonisingly beautiful thing?

“We could have done something. Looked for answers together” Regina suggested knowing it did little to change things now. All it did was remind the woman that maybe, just maybe they could have done something. If she’d known sooner. If she’d realised all the things she’d noticed meant something. Maybe they could have done something.

“It's my life Regina” Emma said with what sounded almost a scoff.

“It's my life too! God damn it Emma!” Regina shot back in disbelief hearing her own voice crack. The ever present tears were there in an instant, constricting her breathing. She felt a few tears scorch down her face. How could she? Regina felt her blood boil within her veins and magic rage within her skin.

“It's me who is dying Regina, not you!” the other woman replied back easily, her tone of desperation didn’t seem to fit the statement.

“You... I...What the hell Emma?” Regina sputtered feeling her eyes and mouth widen in disbelief. As if Emma believed it mattered that it was her, Emma who was dying and not Regina. As if the moment it happened Regina wouldn’t die inside. As if it didn’t affect her as well. If anything it affected her more, Emma would eventually die and leave her alone to raise Henry. The suffering would be over for Emma, and while Regina was extremely grateful for the idea of her lover not being in excruciating pain any longer; she was still leaving her with her own. On her own. Emma had fought this alone. She had ensured it alone by choice. A choice that Regina did not have. Once the time came she would be alone with no one but Henry to share in the pain and grief the other woman had left behind. How dare Emma even think, never mind suggest it did not affect her.

“I didn’t mean…It’s me not you” Emma said with let huffed whine as she dragged one of her hands across her face. The words reminded Regina of an early in their relationship Emma had managed to get Regina to watch some romantic comedy and Emma had scoffed at the leading man for using a similar excuse to break up with his girlfriend. Was this what this was? Emma was leaving yet again. How was this possible? Emma had just said she wished she’d come home sooner. Why was this happening to them? Any of this?

“Why should you have to go through all this crap because of me?” the blonde asked her question dripped with a desperate uncertainty.

Regina couldn’t help the feeling of disbelief that rolled across her. She felt it plough straight into her midriff, almost knocking her over. “Because I love you. Me, Henry...your parents. We love you” Regina replied urgently, begging the woman to understand.

“I'm not used to that” Emma whispered and Regina felt it as if Emma had raised her hand slapped her with an open palm.

“Well get fucking used to it” Regina spat harshly. She saw Emma recoil at the harsh tone and tasted the bitter tang in her mouth again. The anger bubbling just beneath the surface wasn’t helping matters. Regina just wanted to scream and break something again. The sadness in Emma’s features only made her feel worse. It seemed Emma truly believed everything she was saying. Had the last two years together been for nothing? Had Emma thought Regina was lying every time she’d paid her a compliment or said she loved her? Had Emma doubted the older woman’s feelings all along? If so the blonde was the best actress she’d ever seen.

Emma looked shocked. It wasn’t the first nor would it probably be the last time Regina Mills swore, but even Regina felt the difference in her meaning and emotion. Regina understood Emma’s past and the hold it had over her now. It was much like Regina’s. She supposed it was why Emma claiming she did not love her anymore back in her office all those months ago had Regina so easily fooled. Except it hadn’t. In Regina’s heart she felt the hurt and betrayal of her lover’s words but her brain refused to believe them not fully. Refused to accept them. To accept that it had all been a lie. Regina knew there was something wrong and she’d had her doubts. That was what she was telling herself anyway.

Emma stood looking scared now. The idea of Regina loving her no longer seemed to upset her, but frighten her. Regina swallowed back the bitter taste that came with the idea that just sometimes when Emma looked at her she did not see the woman she had once confessed to want to share her life with, but the Evil Queen she had once been. Maybe that previous identity would have been enough to save Emma. To save her from all of this. Even if that were so she would done everything in her power to help Emma. She would have done anything, even if it meant losing her in the process. Except Gold had been her choice, and it was with a harsh stab of guilt Regina wondered if that had been why. Emma had jeopardised her health so Regina wouldn’t go back her dark past.

“You went to Gold AGAIN instead of me” Regina spoke trying to keep her facial expressions and emotions schooled. She saw however Emma’s searching look, the look which made Regina feel as if Emma were looking right through her. How was it someone knew understood her so well, believed the things Emma did. How did Emma not see the love she felt for her? Whatever happened to the woman who had held her so close upon that December night claiming despite Regina’s fresh confession of love, she had known for months. Where was she now? “I deserved to know that you were…dying before that wretched little imp” Regina’s voice spoke under Emma’s knowing gaze.  What sounded like an angry cry was Emma's only reply.

The former Mayor needed answers. She needed to understand and more than anything she needed Emma to understand her beliefs weren’t true. Despite her anger and hurt, the love she felt for Emma burnt so deeply into her very soul it was overpowering. She needed Emma to know that. It was with a ragged breath she realised had Emma died in Boston she would have never known. She would have died thinking the worst of Regina.

“Twice you went to him. I can understand the first before you knew for definite, but tonight...” Regina breathed her words sounded much like an unwilling confession. Emma had made a deal with Gold. She had gone to Gold to shield Regina from the truth of her condition and the possible pull of darker magic the news might have encouraged. Emma had endangered herself so Regina did not have to. Emma had jeopardised so much for her, for them. Something she should have never have done, and something Regina would have done for her without question.

Regina was relieved when Emma stepped forward. Despite the look of anger on her face, she saw the passion shining in the reddened eyes looking back at her. The passion she knew well, the one that only Emma could emanate. She saw the moment the younger woman made a stand and made them equal once more. The way she had always done before they got together and even after, being the only one if Regina was honest ever to do so. Before she became Queen, Cora made herself more superior over her and after Regina sort to do the same over others. Emma was the only one to challenge her, who made them equal partners. She was no longer recoiling at Regina’s harsh confessions of love but, jutting out her chest and stepping forward towards her.

“I called you” Emma said anger lacing her voice, with a finger point directly at Regina’s face. Regina bite back an aspirated sigh. She already knew this, and while it meant everything to her that in the early hours before Emma’s operation it had been her she had called; it did nothing to calm her. Gold…Snow she had chosen these people over her. “I called you first Regina. You didn't pick up the damn phone just like I knew you wouldn't” Emma continued with a scoff that was filled with pain nonetheless.

 “What?” Regina asked breathless.

 


	12. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down. *Established Swan Queen*

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

 **Author** : Calliope-plantain

 **Rating:**  M

 **Pairing:** Regina/Emma

 **Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

 **Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

 **Author's Note:** Sorry it’s taken me so long to update. My operation went okay, but not as expected. Complications and side effects have made my life hell.

 **Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she’s missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)

_“The next heart you crush will be mine” – 45-Spacer._

_“I called you first Regina. You didn't pick up the damn phone just like I knew you wouldn't” Emma continued with a scoff that was filled with pain nonetheless._

_"What?” Regina asked breathless._

* * *

 

 

That didn’t make any sense. Emma hadn’t called Regina. Only that once, and she hadn’t even spoken. Regina would have answered any calls the blond had given her. It might have been begrudgingly but Regina couldn’t even hide from herself the feeling of joy she knew she would have felt at the thought it.

“I rang your cell and got no answer just like I knew I would” Emma repeated as if it made it clearer. That wasn’t possible. Regina stood opened mouth at the admission, while Emma simply looked slightly annoyed.

“Where is it? Your cell” Emma demanded harshly, with a gesture of her hand as if she thought maybe she had it on her in her silk pyjamas.

“Charging” Regina answered feeling her throat constrict at her response. She'd charged it to ensure it was full powered for Henry's evening out at his grandparents’. The landline was too far away during the night if something went wrong. Even then in the drama and confusion of the other woman’s return, the phone had remained charging downstairs. Emma stalked passed her out of the room.

It had never occurred to her that she'd need it during the day. The only people that ever rang her were Henry, his grandparents and a select few of the Storybrooke residents - people she would see in town. She had left it at home.

Emma was back, and she thrust the small device into her hand. And there they were ... four missed calls from Emma. Around the time she had been at the diner with Henry. Possibly even from when they had been driving there. Regina must have missed it by minutes. Regina stood in shock at the words upon the screen and even continued staring as the back screen dimmed.

"You'll even find a message on the answering machine as well that I guess you didn't check" Emma said her tone still one of slight accusing though much lesser now. She never checked the answering machine at home. If someone needed her that badly they would...ring her cell. No one really rang her anyway. "I thought you might not have picked up because you saw it was me, so I tried ringing the house instead" Emma explained her voice becoming quieter with each word. The silence that followed the last sentence was thick and heavy. It took a moment for Regina to even register the blonde had stopped talking.

“I left it here I didn't even know ...I would have answered” Regina confessed quietly still looking at the now black screen of her phone. Tonight could have gone so differently if only Henry and she had left a few minutes later or if she’d taken the phone with her. Emma had called her before she rang her mother. She had made that decision. She'd made the decision she had always said she would. If it came to it, Emma had always said she would pick Regina over her mother and here it was. The fact of it left a disgusting taste in Regina’s mouth. Now the decision had been made, she wished more than anything Emma had not needed to make it. The young woman had had to decide because she was dying.

“Yeah right” Emma said disbelieving, pulling Regina away from her silent staring competition with her cell phone.  The blonde was now looking at her incredulously, eyes wide in doubt. 

“Excuse me?” Regina cried out in defence.

“The night I came out of hospital I was going to ring you, but I wanted to check that everything was okay in case you didn't answer” Emma answered and for the first time since she had come down stairs she saw her. Saw her Emma. The slightly blabbering, never knowing when she shut up Emma. The one who got nervous over talking and Regina felt the light whoosh of amusement at the memory of Emma’s attempt at the Sheriff debate oh so long ago. She could still see the disbelief in the lines around her eyes.

“I hadn't been allowed my phone on so I couldn't get the numbers while I was in hospital. They took my phone after they caught me considering calling you the second time just before they were going to take me down to the operating room” Emma rambled, her hands moving almost as fast as her speech. While Regina found it, for a lack of a better word adorable to watch Emma get tongue-tied it so far she did not hear anything which would make Emma believe she wouldn’t answer her desperate call. “I was allowed it back, I knew I could have asked one of them to call but I wanted to. I didn't want you to hear from a stranger” the blonde added with a deep swallow. The younger woman’s hands were shaking and Regina had to fight the urge to take hold of them. She also had to bite back the urge to say that if she'd died a stranger would have called her anyway.

“So I rang my mom when I got sorted that night and we got talking and I found how easy it was to lie to her. Probably makes me a shit daughter but its true” Emma explained with a saddened smile. Regina couldn’t help but feel for the other woman’s mother. Snow had believed everything that Emma had said to her these last few months. Emma’s easy reference to the other woman as her mother however told the former Mayor that while the stories had been a lie the connection hadn’t. That had been real. While Regina couldn’t help the feeling of hurt at the fact Emma had talked to Snow and not herself, she was pleased for Emma. She’d finally gotten the mother she had always wanted.

“I enjoyed hearing a friendly voice for the first time in almost a month and yeah we talked too long” the other woman said with a slight laugh and a look which suggested guilt. She felt guilt at talking to her mother that night. Emma could have died; she should have called one of them sooner. Okay so Emma felt she couldn’t talk to her or Henry but her mother or father. Ruby or god Neal…there were so many possibilities. Of course she talked for a long time to her mother. She had revelled in the very fact she was alive. Emma had waited until she was back…home, no apartment. This was Emma’s home. She had waited until she was released to talk to the people who loved her and who she loved back. It was no wonder she had talked for so long.

“But I decided regardless of the time I was going to ring you after I'd had my first bath on my own. Without the assistance of a nurse and sponge” Emma continued and Regina saw the look of determination in the young woman’s eyes. She could imagine how Emma had looked during the night in question. Ever the determined, head-strong and independent woman she loved. Regina could barely hold back the shiver at Emma’s throw away confession. How helpless and in need Emma had been that a nurse had had to help her bathe. It should have been Regina helping her not someone who was paid to care. Paid to run a sponge over the body Regina loved so much. Except Emma had wanted Regina as her partner, her lover not her nurse or mother. Regina knew however the call never came.

“But it took too long and I was exhausted” Emma explained and Regina could almost feel the ache of tiredness pouring from the other woman in waves. It was almost as if the mere mention of the tiredness Emma had felt that night had reminded the blonde of how little sleep she had so far this evening. “And then I realised I’d strained myself too far because my head was killing me” the other woman continued with a shake of her head. To shake away the tiredness, the pain and heartache. Regina flinched at yet again at the intentionally worded of her love, because the cancer really was killing her.

Emma’s tone no longer held anger or malice. Her eyes held pain though. It wasn’t pain caused by the illness or her resilient migraines. Regina couldn’t place its cause, but guessed it was the reason Emma had thought she wouldn’t answer her. How could Regina not answer the plea from the woman who changed her life for the better? How could Emma think she wouldn’t? “So I went to bed instead. I could call the next day after my appointment at the clinic” Emma clarified though her voice dwindled down to nothing. Regina couldn’t even hear her breathing despite their proximity, because of the booming pulse flooding her ears. It was all Regina could hear.  

It hit Regina like a tonne of bricks. She knew what was coming next. Henry had come home the morning after one of his stays at his grandparents’ and told Regina that Emma had called Snow and they had talked for hours. She had been furious with the blonde and after several drinks she had taken matters into her own hands. She had been sober enough to remember, but drunk enough not to care.

"Oh god" Regina gasped her cell free hand clasped to her mouth. She had berated the other woman. She had bitterly claimed not to love her just as Emma had confessed, and tried to make the young woman feel worthless. She had thrust every anger filled thought and word she could think of at the young woman and she had enjoyed it.  The former Queen had claimed not to care …oh god. She’d said she didn’t care if she was dying in a ditch and that Emma had been right in believing there was nothing for her here. She had demanded she not come back. This is what Emma’s last memory of Regina would have been had she died and not returned to Storybrooke. 

She had meant none of it. Not a single word. While in her drunken haze she had enjoyed the hatred laced words that had poured from her mouth, she had enjoyed the way they fed her need to rid herself of the woman who had abandoned her. She had enjoyed the feeling of the glass tumbler she had been drinking from smashing against the wall showering her in tiny pieces of glass, just as fragile as her broken heart. Come morning when reality hit her full force in the form of a hangover that made her feel as if she had her own brass band in her head, she felt regret. She felt guilt. She felt remorse and couldn’t help but wonder if the other woman would ring her simply to spite her wishes. Or what Emma would have believed to be her wishes. Regina had hoped she would. She would call to apologise or beg forgiveness. Something. She never rang back. But surely Emma hadn’t believed her words. But looking at her now all Regina could see was the small broken orphan that every family had returned, looking back at her. She’d believed it.

She could see the tears pooling and falling freely from the other woman's eyes. Emma made no attempt to stop them or to shield Regina from the truth of them. Though her face did not hold the anger it had as she had thrust the device upon her, it only held hurt and sorrow. Of course Emma hadn't come back. It was clear why she had believed Regina wouldn’t have answered. Emma had believed she truly meant those words over two months ago. Emma had believed her drunken lies; much as Regina had believed Emma hadn’t cared enough to call her back to check. Why would she have rung back? The former Queen had believed if Emma had cared for her at all maybe she would have done, and in fact it seemed to be the very opposite. It was because Emma cared she had not rung her at all.

“I wanted to come home” the younger woman added with a wisp of desperation, her arms wrapped themselves around her midriff. Emma seemed to sag and shrink beneath her watchful eye. Regina’s love wasn’t supposed to make Emma feel small or huddle away from her. It was supposed to make her feel strong and invincible, courageous and resilient.

“Emma…” Regina couldn’t help the cry of anguish that fell from her lips. She hadn’t meant those words. She had been angry and lonely. She had been hurting and so desperately wanted…no needed the other woman with her. She had felt betrayed and it was the only way she knew how to react. Her mask. She had worn it in over the many years of Queen and then worn it out as Mayor. Emma had all but prised it from her. Regina had believed she would never have need for it again.

Except she had because Emma had walked away. The one person who she had entrusted with her heart had stolen it and there was nothing Regina could do. So she put back on the mask and acted as if she didn’t care. Emma, the one person that knew Regina better than any other hadn’t been able to see through the old mask, because she hadn’t been expecting it to be there. Regina had known what to say, she had known what would hurt the other woman if she had any love what so ever left for the former Queen, or even if she hadn’t and used it to cause all the damage she could. That knowledge and power was crushing down upon the older woman and making her head swim. Regina could feel her heart race in her chest as it ached with the pain she could see that she had caused to the other woman. Caused to the woman she loved.

“I left so I wouldn’t put you both through this. It was hard enough that I had to, it was unbearable thinking of putting you and Henry through it too” Emma said her voice barely over a whisper. If the house around the two women hadn’t been intensely silent Regina wouldn’t have heard the other woman speak, though her quiet words were spoken to Regina’s bare feet. Emma was unable to look her in the eye and it caused the dull ache in Regina’s chest to crescendo to a piercing agony. Tears fell down the brunette’s face as her breathing came out in harsh whimpers.

“I was scared of what it would do to you, him…us” Emma added impossibly quietly. Regina felt her move forward slightly, placing her cell upon the countertop next to her. Her laboured breath quicken as she saw Emma shuffle backwards, away from her. The clutch the other woman had upon her midriff tightened, as if she was physically holding herself together. Regina bite back the audible sob she felt wracking through her chest as Emma recoiled from her. Emma however wasn’t finished. “If I got better…I was naïve enough to believe I might, I didn’t want to lose what we had. Okay I’d have a hell of a lot of repairing to do, but…” the woman continued though her voice seemed to diminish to a silent breath.

It was then Emma sobbed. The cry was one of torture and distress, Regina could see the agony painted in every feature of Emma’s face. She’d seen her love cry before. Not just tonight but in their time together and before. She had seen tears of pain, distress and anger. She had seen Emma’s tears of happiness, joy and ecstasy. Regina had been the cause of most of them at one time or another. None of them had ever made Regina feel the way she did in this moment. Standing in their kitchen, Emma was so fragile and small. So broken and beyond repair. Regardless of the emotion Regina had always shared in Emma’s tears. Right now was no different.

The emotion she saw and heard in Emma’s sobs and whimpers was going to suffocate her. She needed her lover. She needed the other woman to understand. She had not meant the words. She had not meant to hurt Emma or make her doubt her love for her. Regina stepped forward once again, only for Emma to step back once more. The chair Emma had not long vacated scuffed the floor as Emma knocked it slightly in her flight away from the former Queen.

Regina felt her heart plummet. It fell from her mouth to the pit of her stomach in record time and made her feel lightheaded. Was this it? Was this all they could be? Would ever be? A collection of unattainable dreams, broken promises and the pain they’d caused one another in an attempt to protect themselves and each another. Another painful sob ripped through Regina as her hands balled themselves at her side, itching to cling onto the other woman. To hold her and cherish her. To make her understand, she wasn’t broken. They were not broken. They could be strong together. Emma’s mouth opened and closed but only quiet sobs escaped her soft lips.

“Pushing you away…I lost you anyway and the voicemail…it just made it real” Emma said softly, confirming for the first time what Regina already knew. Emma had believed her lies. “I’d lost you and there was nothing to come back to. So what was the point?”  the woman breathed her voice and breath shaking dangerously so.

Regina couldn’t help but think of Emma listening to that message. The defeat the other woman must have felt. Emma had been fighting, and had fought to stay alive. She’d endured weeks in hospital and having her brain poked, prodded and hacked at in order to have a chance of getting better to return to her family and then Regina had done this. Had left her that message. Despite having Emma in front of her, being so close she could touch her; Regina could hear and feared the tone of defeat in Emma’s voice. She wondered how often Emma had thought “What’s  the point?” in the last few months. How many times Emma had considered just giving up. Giving up the fight or even worse taking her own life, believing she had nothing left to live for.

Another sob racked through Regina’s chest. It was nothing like its predecessors. It burned its way through her lungs, as bitterness rose in her throat. Her skin seemed to freeze as goose bumps arose upon her flesh. Her vision blurred as her brain fogged. Emma had everything to live for. She had a teenage son that doted on her and clung onto every word she said as if it were law; and she had Regina who loved her so entirely, she’d do anything she could just to make her happy.

“Emma please…” Regina begged, pleading with the younger woman. She watched as Emma’s grip around her stomach constricted further and Regina wondered for a brief moment if she was going to run. Only Emma didn’t move, but she did look up. Regina could see Emma’s tears glistening upon her cheeks in the dawn’s light shining through the window. The blonde’s shoulders shook greatly as Emma tried to regain composer. Something the blonde should never fear losing in front of Regina. Regina was meant to sooth away the pain, not cause or add to it. She was meant to wipe away the tears and hold her until everything was okay. Only this time it was never going to be okay again. The brunette stepped forward once more with a shuddering breath, except Emma didn’t step back this time.

Regina took her moment and rushed at the younger woman, taking fistfuls of Emma’s now baggy top in her hands, pulling her in tightly flush to her own body. The top had fit Emma snuggly like a well fitted glove before she’d left and it now hung off her slight figure. So many things had changed in a matter of months, but Regina’s love for the other woman was not one of them. “You never lost us. Not ever. I love you. Damn it, do you hear me” Regina said through gritted teeth as pulled forcefully upon the fabric in her grasp. She clenched her jaw painfully tight to try and stop the on slaughter of tears, but it didn’t work.

“I love you” she whispered once more feeling her warm tears continuing to fall but she saw Emma nod ever so slightly. She felt Emma release the hold she had upon herself, only to engulf Regina around her waist, pulling her impossibly flat to her frame.

“Me too, so much” Emma breathed as her voice shook almost intangibly so. The grip Emma had upon her waist was painful and Regina revelled in it. She felt Emma’s strong unwavering hold upon her, felt her fingers clutching her flesh as if she were frightened to let go. Emma had no reason to be frightened not now, not ever. Regina let her head fall to the crux, burying her face in the skin. Inhaling the younger woman, she couldn’t hold back the tears or the sobs that escaped her lips which were only marginally muffled by her lover’s skin.

She could still feel Emma’s shoulders quivering as almost silent sobs shook her body and they both held on to one another. Regina felt Emma’s laboured breath in her hair and felt the tear filled kiss placed upon her head, as her grip tightened. They stood virtually stock-still clinging to their lover as their own and shared grief rolled over them. How could this be happening? How had this become their life? How was it they’d both finally gotten what they had been searching for their whole lives only to have fate it rip it away from them.

After several minutes Regina’s tears had slowed to bare minimum, though the ache in her chest still lingered. She supposed maybe it would never truly go away. She still held Emma though, or what was more accurate Emma held her. Regina still had Emma’s t-shirt bunched in each hand though her grip and loosened considerably since her initial outburst.  She could feel Emma’s heart beating against her hand, and feel her pulse beating in her throat. Emma was still very much alive with her arms wrapped around her. How was this it? Gold had given them a gift. Whether the lock of Emma’s hair was truly the only price their family would pay she didn’t know. They would have to wait and see she guessed. Their family of three could enjoy Emma’s last months together. Though if what Emma said was true and Gold’s enchantment enabled Emma to have the best health until…it happened there would be no warning. Part of her was happy for that; they could enjoy every last moment. The other part of her wanted to curse the little imp, for not giving them warning. Emma would be okay until she wasn’t.

She felt Emma’s body sag a little against her. Unlike Regina, Emma hadn't had any sleep and further more after the last hellish twenty-four hours the other woman had endured she was amazed the young woman was still standing. She moved to use her stance as an anchor to push the other woman back onto the slightly off kilter kitchen stool Emma had just nudged only to feel resistance. Emma was pushing back, holding her tighter. It hit Regina that Emma thought she was pushing her away.

“Emma you need to sit down before you fall down” Regina reassured her gently. Really Emma should be going to sleep, but Regina feared the blonde’s reaction to the suggestion. She placed a small kiss against the skin she’s previously been burrowed in, and felt the grip upon her waist lessen though it did not slacken completely. The blonde let her guide her backwards only altering her hold on the older woman when she felt the chair behind her in order to hoist herself up. Once seated, Emma’s hands returned to their place on Regina hips; and Regina stood between the blonde’s parted knees. It was as if Emma was afraid of letting her go. Regina couldn’t help but sweep away the few strands of Emma’s fly away hair out of the way of her face, and brushed away the quickly drying tears from her cheeks.

“You should have rang me. Told me. You’ve never been one to back down Emma” Regina breathed not caring her voice carried a slight whimper.  Why had this been the one time Emma backed down. They fought. They had always fought. Before the curse broke, after, in Neverland. In their relationship. There had always been heat and passion, they were both so passionate and so easily fired up. The other woman was the only one that could ignite and distinguish the raging flames within Regina. Why had Emma chosen that night to be the night she’d given up? Given up on Regina and on them. Why hadn’t she fought back? Fought tooth and nail.

“You could have told me” Regina amended softly, Emma had already said she wished she and Snow would stop telling her what she should or should not have done. Emma was right and Regina knew it, it couldn’t be changed now.

“I didn’t even know how” Emma admitted quieter still. She had tonight though. Okay she’d just come out and blurted it out with no grace but there was thought behind it. But it was better than not knowing at all. Better than thinking the worse. Though Regina supposed thinking Emma didn’t love her anymore was better than this. Better than their reality. But since they could not escape what was happening, Regina preferred she knew. She preferred she knew that Emma was dying loving her just as she had always thought she had, until that horrible day months ago.

“I couldn’t even… The message I was just scared” Emma confessed, and Regina saw the reddened eyes lower slightly. Possibly in shame, but also in doubt. The brunette waited until they rose again to her own before speaking.

“I didn’t mean it. I was angry. I’m sorry” Regina said and for the first time she realised voicing that notion. She needed Emma to understand that. She’d been wrong in saying the things she did, and while it may have been justified she shouldn’t have done it. And she was sorry for the pain it had caused the other woman, and for anything she’d made Emma doubt. She saw Emma’s eyes flicker and maybe even the corner of her mouth twitch, though she wasn’t sure what was going in Emma’s mind. But then it was gone before she could even consider it.

“You sounded like you did” Emma said, with the familiar worrying of her lip. Regina knew she sounded like she meant it, because in that moment she had. Or at least felt the emotion behind the words. She had meant to hurt Emma because she was hurting. But the words that came out of her mouth, she had not meant them. “I still have it on my phone if you wanna hear it” the blonde suggested with defiance though the tone was weaker than it usually was.

“No I don’t” the former Queen replied firmly, lowering her hands to the blonde’s thighs. She was trying to offer comfort to a feeling she’d meant to cause. It had had the desired effect, and she hated it. She hated she’d made her lover doubt anything about her. She felt what she’s seen in Emma’s eyes when the other woman had admitted she’d only said she no longer loved her to cause minimum damage. Regina on the other hand had wanted to cause the maximum hurt, and god she was sorry. She really didn’t want to hear it. Had Emma listened to it more than once?

“I know I keep saying it but in the start I didn’t want to drag you through this. I didn’t want to hurt you and Henry any more than I had already but then after…” Emma’s voice quivered slightly and much to Regina’s surprise the blonde maintained unwavering eye contact. “Then I thought you didn’t care” the other woman breathed heavily, so much so that Regina felt it brush warmly against her cheeks.

“I cared. I care. God Emma I care more than you will ever believe. I would have dropped everything to come with you” the brunette reassured at a rush. She had heard the past tense. Emma “thought” she didn’t care, just maybe Regina was getting through to her. Though she supposed their proximity had already confirmed that.

“Regina that’s exactly why…” Emma objected, and Regina felt the slender fingers biting into her hips.

“Are you saying you wouldn’t do the same for me?” Regina challenged firmly, ultimately cut across the other woman. She felt the thighs beneath her hands flex and watched as Emma’s brow furrowed.

“Course I would, Regina…” Emma confirmed confusedly. Now Regina could see it, reflecting in Emma eyes; the love the other woman felt for her and their son. Regina felt foolish to have ever believed Emma’s words of dismissal. She had let her own issues of self-esteem falsely cloud the ready formed image of her lover, just as Emma had done.

“Then shut up for once, and just accept that I’m right” the brunette cut across her again, making it clear there was no room for argument.

Regina felt her heart jump at Emma’s slight nodded of agreement. Emma was agreeing with her.  “For once” the other woman added with slight hint humour. Regina didn’t even fight the eye roll she did and saw Emma return a ghost of a smirk.

“You could have told me” Regina repeated softly, and saw a sad smile appear upon her partner’s lips.

“You never told Henry when you were trying to deactivate the failsafe” Emma offered hoarsely.

“That's different I was protecting him” Regina explained softly, knowing exactly what Emma was trying to suggest. For someone who claimed to have an ability to tell when people were lying Emma didn’t hide things all that well. Actually Regina supposed that assumption was wrong, when Emma tried hard enough she could hide things very well.

Emma gave her the look. The knowing, “I am right” look. Emma had said she was trying to protect them. But this was different. Regina had been trying to save their lives, not their feelings. She had been giving them a future, not ripping away what little future they had left together. Sure Henry would have grieved, and now she knew Emma would have too, but they would have survived.  They would have been alive because she had saved them.

“No. No Emma that is not the same” Regina said firmly with a shake of her head. “I had to save you and Henry...and everyone” she continued hearing her own determined tone weakening under Emma’s watchful gaze, but the sentiment was still there. She had been ready to give up her life for them, it wasn’t the same. She knew had she told Henry, the young boy would never have left her. She supposed that was where the similarity started, and she was loathed to admit it. Emma had lied. Told Regina she did not love her so she would not follow, so she would let her go.

“I was trying to protect you” Emma’s voice rose in a pleading fashion, wanting Regina to understand. While the former Queen understood she did not agree with it. She would not agree with it. She wasn’t being stubborn or unreasonable. She was being honest and logical. She understood Emma did not want to put them through it. She understood it because she wouldn’t want to put her family through it either. Who would! But she would not have stolen that chance away. She wouldn’t have made such a huge decision without them.

“I was already hurting Emma” Regina stated with an equally pleading whine. She too was trying to make her lover understand.

“I know” the younger woman whispered and Regina could see and feel the guilt rolling off the woman holding her. That wasn’t what she wanted Emma to feel. Not now. She could also see the tired eyes straining to stay present. Regina knew soon she would have to put her foot down and demand Emma went to sleep, and ready herself for the possibility Emma would resist. Except part of her didn’t want them to go to bed, despite it already being morning it felt like they’d have one less day together. One more day they would have wasted by being apart. A foolish notion flickered in Regina mind, maybe she just wouldn’t sleep again until that avoidable day, soaking in every moment she could. But that would be stupid, damaging to her own health and would rob her of the moments of falling asleep and waking beside her partner.

“You were meant to be here, with us. And you walked away. I know why... I understand. I do, but you're wrong” Regina spoke softly. Despite the fact she was being critical of the other woman and her actions she felt Emma pull her bodily towards her. The older woman could feel Emma’s heels curl themselves around her calves, effectively making it impossible for the brunette to move. “It would have torn me apart, it would have” Regina admitted quietly. She didn’t want Emma to feel worse than she already did, but she was not going to lie. They shouldn’t be lying to each other. They never should but certainly not now.

“It is...but at least I'd be with you” Regina continued hearing her own voice tremor somewhat. She wasn’t lying; it would have been heart-breaking. If what Emma had told her was true and she knew from the expression on Emma’s face it all had been so, it would have broken her heart to see her love in the state she had been in.   “We could have been doing this... together and you wouldn't have had to do it all alone” the former Mayor finished knowing there was no point in covering the trepidation she felt at the idea. They could have helped the blonde, not just in the practical stuff but with memory and the physical symptoms. They could have been the distraction Emma needed.

“I was always alone Regina” Emma breathed, causing a slight urge of annoyance within the brunette. Regina allowed herself a slight scoff. She was alone because she chose to be alone. She had not always been alone, Regina had been there, and tried to offer any assistance she could and Emma had fled from her. She had done what she could with the information she had. She had tried, Emma on the other hand hadn’t. Regina felt Emma’s hand move. It made the bottom of Regina’s top rise, and revealed a small patch of flesh. The blonde’s fingers soothed the soft skin, as the reddened eyes never left hers.

“You could have held my hand, and moped up my puke but at the end of the day I had to fight this. Not you. Not Henry. Me, and it was so lonely” Emma explained sadly with a small shake of her head. Regina felt her heart clench at the sound of it. Emma wasn’t wrong. That hadn’t been what she had meant, and the fact Regina couldn’t fight this battle for Emma, or even lighten the burden hurt most of all. All she could do and would have done is help with food, memory challenges, be company when it was needed and hold Emma when she felt herself weakening. It was Emma’s fight. The cancer that she had to fight herself wasn’t a battle she had to do on her own.

“I wish I hadn’t left. I wish I’d told you. And I feel _so_ selfish for it. I love you so much...” Emma continued her voice broke so strongly it almost tapered away to silence.

“Emma…” Regina whispered carefully as her stomach lurched at the strong tone of guilt and shame in Emma’s speech. She wasn’t even sure what words would have followed but Emma carried on as if she hadn’t interrupted.

“The thing that hurts the most, second to hearing you're going to die is knowing” Emma continued thickly. Regina was almost certain the other woman didn’t know she had started crying again. She allowed her hands to rise from Emma’s thighs but instead taking hold of her slim waist. Almost mirroring Emma’s hold upon her.

“Knowing you have to tell the people that you love” Emma said, and Regina watched as the blonde’s bottom lip quivered. Once again the urge to seize it and make it stop, and stop Emma from hurting rushed through Regina’s veins because she knew what Emma was saying was true. It was how she felt about telling Henry about Emma. It was exactly how she felt.

“Knowing that one day you’ll have to leave them behind” Emma finished and Regina had to swallow a whimper at the confession. The blonde’s eyes lowered, which was quite a feat because she was no longer looking at Regina despite there being nowhere else she was able to look. They were too close to see anything else.  Regina didn’t know what to say to that. She didn’t even know if she could speak even if she had the most perfect reply. Her mouth and throat felt dry, and eyes felt moist.

“I tried so hard. It couldn't be happening” Emma explained to what seemed to be Regina’s pyjama top pocket. The shake of the blonde’s head and slightly opened mouth made Regina feel the disbelief Emma must have felt. The denial. The loneliness. “I was numb for a few days. Cried for days. Whale was wrong. He was misreading the tests...he was a _freaking_ fairy tale doctor. What did he know?” Emma continued her voice heightening in volume and becoming more breathless as she went on. Regina heard for the first time since Emma had told her about the tumour, the anger. The anger Emma had felt and was probably still feeling over the whole thing. The anger she hadn’t been able to express to anyone. This is what Regina could have been to her, an outlet for anger, frustration and pain.

“Sorry” Emma exhaled sheepishly, and took Regina a moment to realise why she was apologizing. She hadn’t even registered the fairy tale quip.

“It’s alright dear” Regina supplied just as breathlessly as she watched the unshed tears resurface again. They would both wake in a few hours’ time with raging headaches caused by tiredness and tears.

It took a few moments for Emma to speak again, though when she did her speech had not lost its breathlessness but instead of anger there was sadness. “I spent hours out on that damn patrol route trying to figure out the answers. How the hell I was going to tell you and Henry? Tell my parents?” Emma spoke despairingly. Emma still wasn’t looking her in the eye though seemed to be trying to burn a hole in her top pocket. Regina would never forget those night Emma spent out on patrol. The several arguments they had had over it. How Emma could just ask Ruby but never did. Regina had lain away worrying about Emma pulling away from her. Then she worried that in her angered state she might do something stupid like chase down a suspect alone and get hurt. She had cried herself to sleep those nights.

But she remembered the last night she did patrol. Emma had come home earlier than she had expected and wrapped Regina in tight to her. They had fallen asleep in each other’s arms and at least for that night things were normal again. It meant so much more now she knew the blonde’s inner struggle. Despite running and burying herself in patrol and then in Boston, that night had gone home and found her peace in Regina’s arms. Just as she was doing now. 

“So you spend weeks temporising and it got worse” Regina confirmed sadly, cupping the side of Emma’s face in one of her hands. She could feel the dried trails of tears beneath her finger tips and basked in the warm of the skin she touched. She felt Emma’s slight nod, though Regina’s hold made it difficult. The blonde still wouldn’t look at her.

“I couldn't make sense of it” Emma whispered, the words hurt Regina’s heart while the breath tickled her palm. “Then Whale confirmed it and then I was angry and lost. And yeah I ran” the younger woman finished sounded rather deflated.

Emma licked the lip she’s been worrying, clearly not sure of what to say next, and Regina was honest, she was speechless too. There were beats of their hearts and a nearby clock’s ticks before Emma’s eyes rose again to hers. The defeated look in the green eyes was almost enough to break Regina. No matter what Emma had or hadn’t done, she could see the damage it had had upon her partner. Both physically and emotionally, Emma was broken; and the damage was irreversible.

“Some of the people I was with…some never made it off the table” Emma confessed softly. The simple confession made her feel nauseous because it could have been Emma. It would have been the woman in arms who never woke up again. She would never have seen them again. They would never have had a chance to talk, for Regina to understand or to say goodbye. It could have been over in an instant and Regina wouldn’t have even known about it until she’d gotten a phone call from a stranger in Boston. The older woman tried to swallow the bitterness that rose in her throat, adamant she would not break Emma’s train of thought or interrupt the story it looked as if she was adamant and determined tell.

“Some were fine and I never saw them again. Others I met around the store and they didn’t recognise me” Emma explained sadly. Regina nodded in all the right places; nonetheless couldn’t help but share in the feeling, because these patients were all Emma had had in hospital. Sharing something as horrible as this with other people and then realising they didn’t remember who you were…it must have been awful. “But then maybe I’d seen them the day before and it had been me that had forgotten them” Emma continued with a shrug of her shoulders as if it didn’t matter, but Regina could see in her eyes that it did. It mattered.

Regina had once read that every person was made up of every encounter they ever had, and to lose that…even one may change everything about you. She supposed maybe that was why Emma had had mood swings. She didn’t know enough about the brain to make such a bold assumption but the idea of it made sense. But to lose those memories even the unimportant ones, even for a short period of time must have been terrifying. The thought that you could lose your memories; part of what made you who you are, was terrifying.

“Some days I’d ring mom and she’d tell me about Henry and what he’d been up to or I’d hear him in the background…” the blonde whispered almost deathly quiet, before a single sob rang out. The noise startled the former Mayor, but she easily caught the woman who fell into her frame. The legs and heels that were holding her in place tightened, almost painfully so, though Regina realised despite the loud cry, Emma was not shredding tears. She could hear and feel Emma’s laboured breath against her cheek, and it was upsetting and made her feel uneasy. Something about Henry or Henry and Snow was upsetting Emma so much, it hurt Regina to hear and feel Emma’s reaction to it. 

 “I knew from the way she talked about him…the things she said that I knew him. That I should remember him…” the blonde whimpered into the base of Regina’s neck after a few seconds. Brunette felt the slight tickle of the breathe teasing her skin and forced back a shiver.

“You forgot Henry” Regina queried, though felt her stomach churn at the realisation. Emma not wanting Henry to know finally made sense. Regina hadn’t even considered what Emma’s lapse in memory could have meant. That she could and probably had at times forgotten them. The fight with the cancer and seeing Emma in pain would have been so difficult but the notion that the other woman might not even know who they were… It wasn’t Emma’s fault she knew that but in her pleas to make Emma understand that her family should have been with her, she thought Emma would at least know who her family were. Regina felt the blood rush to her head and fought the urge to faint or simply throw up.

“Not all the time! I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want to” Emma said franticly lifting her head from Regina shoulder. The former Mayor could see the look of terror in Emma’s eyes that the simply question had brought out of her. It knocked her off kilter, the thought of Emma forgetting them. Forgetting everything they had done and been through together, and if she was honest with herself the fact that she was sitting in their kitchen amazed her all the more. The blonde’s eyes were wide and the younger woman looked petrified of what Regina was going to say or what she was thinking. She wished there was something she could say, but what could she say?

“Emma…” Regina reassured softly.

“I always knew I’d be a shit mother … who forgets their own kid?” Emma spat self-loathingly. Emma pushed feebly at her, it was barely a push and Regina just held on a little tighter. She couldn’t swallow the knot in her throat because the other woman really believed she wasn’t a good mother, and her illness was just confirmation. She didn’t see what Regina saw. She didn’t see the way Henry lit up around his birthmother or mere mention of her name. She didn’t know what life had been like without Emma in it, both before her time in Storybrooke and her time in Boston. Emma truly believed she was an unfit mother and it was agony that she couldn’t see how wrong she was.

“You’re sick. It’s not your fault” Regina tried to reason softly while forcing conviction into her tone. It was hard and heart breaking that Emma had forgotten Henry. If they had been with her it would have been difficult to experience and witness, but Henry was a teenager now, he would have understood it was Emma’s illness causing her to forget. It wasn’t her fault. Emma’s response however was sob that sounded like a wounded animal and all Regina could do was a spluttered cry in reply.

“It’s not your fault” Regina repeated softly trying to keep the croak from her voice. She could see Emma’s own belief in her statement painted upon her tear streaked face, as her body convulsed with suppressed sobs. All Regina could do was shake her head in defiance of the idea. Emma was wrong. 

“I couldn’t put him through that. I’d already…I couldn’t” the blonde tried to explain only finishing with a small squeak. Regina couldn’t speak; she didn’t know what to say to make Emma believe her. Make her see she wasn’t right so she just clung to the woman and felt the younger woman’s fingers digging into her flesh. She used the sensation as an anchor in the here and now. To stay present with the woman clinging to her. It was not Emma’s fault.

“It's all my fault” Emma repeated once more, only this time it was muffled by Regina herself as the blonde seemed to bury her face into her shoulder. The former Queen allowed Emma a few moment of comfort in her embrace before pulling her away from her own frame, so they were now face to face once more. Regina took several deep though shaken breathes before she spoke again.

“Emma, it is _not_ your fault” the brunette repeated for the third time, and only then did she feel the woman in arms relax at all.

“It has to be” Emma whispered, and Regina could hear that Emma was being crushed by what sounded like the weight of the world pressing down on her shoulders. How long had Emma believed all this was her fault? How long had she blamed herself for it? There was something in Emma’s tone that suggested the other woman was no longer talking just about Henry.

“No, it’s not” Regina reassured her carefully and saw Emma’s bottom lip quiver faintly though no more sobs or cries rang out. Somewhere in their moments Emma’s hands had moved to Regina’s forearms, almost as if her lover was trying to steady herself. She watched as Emma’s tongue darted out across her lips, and saw Emma’s shuddering attempts at deep breathing before Emma spoke again.

“They don’t know what’s caused it. It could have been one of a million choices I’ve made in my life. I’ve never had a good diet, I smoked for a while after I got out of prison” Emma sited off, though her voice still carried the crack of her emotions just beneath the surface. While it wasn’t something Regina was going to chastise right now, she hadn’t known Emma had ever smoked. Even she knew the damage those things caused, Emma surely knew the possibilities and risks of smoking them.

“God I used to work in bars where people took drugs and smoked and probably spiked my drinks on more than one occasion. Being a Bail Bonds Person wasn’t exactly the safest of jobs. I drank god knows how much caffeine” Emma spat desperately as if listing these things were going to make Regina see how it was her, Emma who had caused the cancer. As if was going to make her blame the woman in her arms. It took Regina a moment to remember and then realise that it was possibly this belief that caused Emma to not have coffee the morning the left, not that she’d simply forgotten.

“Until Storybrooke I always lived in cities, I mean god only knows what the pollution was doing” Emma said slightly more quietly now. Regina couldn’t fight the feeling of guilt because maybe, just maybe Emma was right. Any of these things could have caused her to become ill, but the fact that Emma had the opportunity to do any of these things was on Regina. It had been Regina who cast the curse, and her parents who sent her to this world in a wardrobe. Had it not been for them, Emma would have grown up in The Enchanted Forest. She might have been healthy.

“Stop it” Emma’s broken whisper penetrated her thoughts, and looking up Regina saw tears were once again in her lover’s eyes. Regina opened her mouth to say something, defend what she knew Emma had seen upon her face only no words would come. “It’s not your fault” Emma said repeating her own words back at her. The former Mayor took a deep but shuddering breath at the sound of it, because Emma truly didn’t think she was responsible. She did not blame her for her illness or her part in Emma developing it. 

“I know I have given you little reason at times to believe me, but you have to stop thinking of yourself as just The Evil Queen. I don’t see her, not ever” Emma confessed and hearing it made her head buzz and heart skip. It wasn’t even the words that made her believe her, or the tone in which they were said; but the look in Emma’s eyes. Her eyes told her Emma believed exactly what she was saying and meant them with every fibre of her being. “I see the woman I love and the mother to my son who is amazing” Emma breathed and Regina felt the tears once again form in her eyes.

“You have to stop blaming yourself because I don’t blame you. Not once, not even for a second” Emma continued and gave her one of the most beautiful smiles she’d ever seen. She believed her. “Okay?” Emma asked sternly, and all Regina could do is nod. Emma’s smile tightened.

“All this is scary. Terrifying actually.  Knowing you’re going crazy is worse than not having a clue. At least if you don’t know, you don’t have lucid periods you don’t know any different” Emma explained softly and much to Regina’s confusion at the drastic change in topic of conversation she found herself nodding slightly.

“You can see it in people eyes that you’ve said something that’s offensive or that you should know them…” Emma continued though her tone did falter marginally and Regina knew she still felt guilt over Henry and she supposed it was something she could never relieve for the other woman. “I never forgot you” Emma admitted with a slight almost nervous smile and the confession made Regina’s stomach fill with butterflies. Simultaneously however she felt guilty at thought that maybe Emma had simply forgotten her lapse in memory.

“There were times that I felt like screaming because there was nothing I could do” Emma exclaimed despairingly, and Regina felt the butterflies disperse instantly.  Emma however did not falter in tone or expression as she continued. “There were times that if it weren’t for you, even the possibility of you I wouldn’t have kept going” the blonde admitted honestly and Regina felt the previous rush of dread at the idea of what the confession met. The meaning however Emma would not confirm or deny it seemed. “You weren’t there and that’s my fault I know. But you were with me. Every day” Emma finished and Regina felt her own tear fall in slow motion down one cheek.

“It was hard. I was an orphan again. It's not like I could tell them I was the saviour and my mother was Snow White...they would have thought they'd screwed up and locked me in a padded cell” the other woman spoke with a hint of humour but all traces of that beautiful smile were gone. Her eyes held a darkness within them that made a shiver run the entire length of Regina’s spine. She hadn’t even thought about the implications of their life in Storybrooke. It was like a stab to the heart. Of course Emma couldn’t tell her doctors the truth. 

“I had to lie...what's worse” Emma continued, it was only then did she hesitate. Regina watched as Emma’s eyes rolled upwards, and teeth worried her lip. She watched as Emma’s eyes filled with tears again and without knowing what was coming next she felt her own emotions easily rise to the surface once more. She didn’t know what they were going to be like with Henry tomorrow if they were as emotionally fragile as this. All it took was Emma’s eyes to fill to make Regina cry. She was exhausted and wanted so badly to curl into her lover’s embrace and let the world disappear.

“S-sometimes I'd forget it was a lie” Emma choked and Regina felt her own face crumble at the confession. Her feeling of dread did not wane when Emma returned eye contact. She saw the despair and loneliness flickering in Emma’s eyes as she whimpered “And I _was_ that fucked up kid that spent her life with no one wanting her”.

Regina didn’t consider her answer; it was one she could give without thought. She simply stated loudly enough to be heard over Emma’s weakened cries, “I want you….I will always want you”. She saw a glimmer of happiness wash over the younger woman’s face, which slightly lifted her own feeling of sadness. How Emma had survived the last few months she didn’t know. It warmed her heart that despite believing that Regina no longer cared for her, she fought the chance to make that change. She’s been alone, and for the first time since Emma had said those fatal words, Regina didn’t blame Emma. She understood the decision Emma made. It wasn’t the one she would have made, but it made sense in Emma’s mind and there was nothing either of them could do to change it now.

“I'm thirty Regina I shouldn't...It's not fair” Emma stated strongly, her voice only breaking into a whimper at the end. Regina could only watch as saw Emma’s lip quivered dangerously. Regina felt her own copying the gesture of its own accord.

“No it's not” Regina agreed softly feeling her heart tighten at the sound.

“It's not fair!” the blonde repeated louder almost shouting as her face crumpled in agony.

“I know honey...” Regina gulped softly. She was now crying, but even her own weeping wasn’t able to mask her lover’s sobs. Regina seized the blonde’s head tightly, cradling it to her shoulder once more and felt Emma’s arms engulf her entirely, all be it rather awkwardly. Neither cared.

Much to her surprise it only took a few moments for both women’s tears to stop falling, though it took a few more for their laboured breathing to level out. It seemed both of them had no more tears to fall as they clung to their love, taking comfort in her warm touch. They’d covered so much in the hours since Emma had graced her front step and she hoped more than anything there was nothing else. They had to tell Henry tomorrow night, they had agreed on that. They would do it together, a united front and each other’s support. After that the three of them could enjoy their time left and live it to the fullest. They would do that, there was no way Regina was going to waste another minute.

In the silence Regina felt Emma sag heavily against her and chancing a look at the clock on the oven she was shocked to see it was just before six. Of course Emma was tired. She was amazed the young woman was even still awake, never mind functioning. “Come to bed. We’ll try and get some sleep before we see Henry in a few hours” Regina whispered into the mess of now dried hair and felt Emma nod as she lifted her head from its haven.

She was greeted by a ghost of a smile at mention Henry’s name, and gave it back easily. Regina was determined to enjoy the day. Every minute and second. She was going to enjoy it, even if she had to spend it with Snow and Charming. She would enjoy every moment of her family’s day together and watching their son laugh and enjoy himself. Nothing was going to take that away from her.

She felt Emma’s legs release her calves and felt the loss of the contact momentarily as Emma lid down from her perch. Neither woman spoke as Regina led Emma up to bed once again though this time Emma dragged a little with fatigue. Upon entering their room again, Emma did not even attempt the walk around to her side of the bed but instead crawled the distance and was under the covers before Regina had even made it to the head of the bed. She allowed the smirk at the move and the small mess of hair that poked out at the top of the cover as she too climbed into the unmade bed. She gently placed a kiss upon Emma’s lips before snuggling down next to her, and felt the blonde’s hand take her own as she closed her eyes.

There was a few minutes silence in which Regina willed herself to stop fighting the tiredness that had seeped into every muscle. She could hear her lover’s breathing inches from her ear and there was a slight drop coming from the bathroom tap which Emma hadn’t tightened enough. Apart from that there was silence. A silence she could almost revel in, if it weren’t for the buzzing of all the information she’d learnt this evening. 

“You’re my happy ending. But I’m not yours” she heard her lover say causing all the buzzing to stop instantaneously. She eyes shot open only to be face to face with her bedfellow.

“How can you say that?” Regina exclaimed lifting her head away from the inviting gaze of the other woman. The morning light was still not strong enough to fully permeate their curtains but there still no need for additional light; she could still see the calm look upon Emma’s face. Too calm for a person to have just uttered such a statement.

Emma took a breath before rolling onto her back; her gaze however did not leave Regina’s. It was steady and composed. It made Regina’s heart beat at a gallop, and her head swim. Emma was too calm. “This is it for me. This is my ending. It’s not yours. You and Henry will go on” Emma explained clearly as if it was the easiest thing to understand. Though her voice did not hold a tone of giving up, Regina could not help but feel it all the same

“You aren’t dead yet!” she blurted, and saw Emma’s nod of agreement. The look on the blonde’s face suggested that wasn’t what this was. She wasn’t giving up…then why did it sound so much like she was?

“No but I need to know you’ll both be happy…and will move on” Emma supplied and Regina felt her heart clench at the suggestion. She didn’t want to move on. She didn’t want to have to move on. She didn’t want to learn how to live again without the woman in front of her. They had plans and dreams, and she didn’t want to fulfil them without her. Before she had chance to voice these thoughts however Emma continued.  “And I swear I will come back and haunt you both if you aren’t happy” she said a slight attempt of humour lingered in her voice.

“Don’t tell Henry that he might just be miserable to see you…” Regina replied trying just as hard as Emma to make it light, only it wasn’t. It hurt. It felt like agony, and she felt the pain so deep down inside of her it hurt to breathe. “I don’t want to be happy without you” she begged as if Emma finally held the ability to fix it, and stop her from leaving. Neither of them had control. They had never had control it seemed. 

“You have to. Not right away, but one day…you’ll be happy again” Emma breathed and she could see in the Saviour face she meant what she was saying. She wasn’t being self-sacrificing, she was being honest; and it made it hurt all the more.

“I don’t think I can” Regina admitted tearfully. No she knew she couldn’t. She knew what it was like to hear the blonde’s laugh, and wake next to her every morning. She knew the taste of her morning minty kisses and the saltiness of her skin. No one else knew the walls Regina put up when she was angry or scared. No one else knew how to take them down with a simple smile. How could she be happy knowing she’d have to watch Henry grow up, alone; or knowing the life they could have lead? How could she be happy living the life parents’ dream about and dread when their little babies grow up and leave home? How could she be happy knowing she’d have to face it alone, with the ghost of her memories, when she shouldn’t have to? How could she be happy knowing she had lost what could have been but instead of living what was to come? No she wouldn’t move on and could not be happy without Emma at her side.

“I’ll see what I can do from the other side” Emma supplied only this time her tone lacked the attempt of humour. Despite the look of conviction on Emma’s face, Regina could see the pain lingering too.

“Stop it, it’s not funny” Regina muttered and saw the look of sadness deepen on Emma’s face. Emma didn’t respond however, she instead tugged slightly upon the forearm Regina was leaning on. It caused the former Queen to fall forward slightly, directly towards Emma. The blonde then pulled her the rest of the way, pressing a kiss into her lips before breathing upon them “I know, sorry".

She had nothing to be sorry for. Not really. Once again Regina was faced with the thought that if their roles were reversed she’d want Emma and their son to be happy. She wouldn’t like the idea of someone else holding her lover but if it made Emma happy then it was okay. It wasn’t Emma’s fault that she wanted her to be happy. Regina let her lips brush Emma’s gently before laying her head on her chest. She gave a lazy smile into the silence as she felt the stead heartbeat, beating against her ear.

Emma wanted her to be happy and she couldn’t help but think of Daniel. He’d wanted the same thing for her. It had seemed impossible back then to even consider loving another. The pain of losing him had been too great, why would she want the possibility of having to live through that again. But if she was honest with herself, even knowing what was to come she would have still done this. The pain she knew she was going to face in the not so distance future was worth it when she considered every second she had gained with the woman beside her. If she hadn’t risked her heart again she wouldn’t have known what it was like to be truly happy again. She did not think she would be happy, not really once Emma left; but she knew for her, she would try.

“I know you have to fight this. But we're here too. We can fight it together. You aren't alone anymore” Regina whispered into the chest bone she was using as a pillow, and felt rise a little higher than it had been previously.

Emma pulled her in tighter. She felt peace in the warmth of their bodies and synchronised heartbeats. At the breathing through her hair that sent a chill down her spine. At the breathed response that sounded much like “Together”.


	13. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down. *Established Swan Queen*

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

 **Author** : Calliope-plantain

 **Rating:**  M

 **Pairing:** Regina/Emma

 **Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

 **Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

 **Author's Note:** Difficult to believe this story came from a dream… there is a point coming up in a future chapter where I woke up… I’m continuing it on however. 

 **Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she’s missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)

She felt warm and secure as her body regained its sense of the world. For months she had awoken with the feeling of dread and foreboding. Waking with a heavy weight pressing down upon her and her chest, making it nearly impossible to breathe. As her brain flickered into consciousness she felt that weight again. She felt as it pressed into her chest, pushing her into the mattress beneath her; only this time it was with a smile. Her breathes came easily as she felt her lover secured against her side, head resting against Regina’s chest.

Opening her eyes she noted the room was now painted in colours of summer as her curtains did not hold out the blaring sun. Looking down she saw a clenched fist holding her top tightly in its grip, just over her heart as if Emma feared for Regina’s departure during her slumber. Or maybe it was simply a gesture of security. To feel Regina was still there even as she slept. Either way the former Queen wouldn’t have moved away from her. She could feel the steady thump of Emma’s heart against her side and couldn’t help the serene smile that took her lips captive.

Glancing over the top of the mess of blonde hair she saw it was little after half eight. They’d slept for only a few hours, like she knew they would. She remembered Emma saying she was likely lag during their day ahead and the only thing which enabled Regina to manoeuvre her way free from her sleeping bedfellow was the promise that Regina could accompany her when it happened.

She felt Emma’s hand grip at her top a little tighter as she moved away and had to repress a chuckle at the disappointed groan emitting from the sleeping woman. As gently as she could she uncurled the hand from herself as she moved from the bed completely. Emma shifted, and Regina grinned at the bleary eye peering over the edge of the cover at her. Just as Henry did when she woke him. The brunette sat back on the bed just out of the reach of the other woman, as the blonde’s face crunched slightly in objection to being awake.

“Go back to sleep. I’m going to have a shower and get dressed then you can have one if you want” Regina said as quietly as she could to still sleep dazed woman.

“Okay” was the croaked reply still thick with sleep. Regina felt her smile tighten as she leant forward placing a kiss to the mess of blonde tresses that was sticking out from the top of the covered. She felt her heart dance in her chest at the contented sigh from the other woman. Though that was the only noise Emma made as she buried her head deeper into her pillow, and Regina could tell she was asleep in moments.

Her shower was nothing special but she allowed the heavy down pour to loosen the tension in her tight muscles. She stood arms raised as the heat and stream filled her fogged brain and washed away all thoughts. She wouldn’t wash her hair this morning, but the apple shower gel she lathered across her body filled her with its scent and cleared all the cobwebs of sleep. Cleared the nagging hint of desperation she felt in the light of Emma’s revelations. She allowed the shower to wash away her worries and focuses on the only things she had control over. Emma and Henry’s happiness and enjoyment. She would work her hardest to ensure her family got what it deserved, and she too would relish it. Gold’s “gift” had given them something to cherish and Regina would do just that.

Stepping out she shivered as the cool air rushed at her bare skin. It was a dramatic change from the thick stream from the shower, though it was a change she welcomed considerable as it was quite a humid June; at least for Storybrooke. The nearest towel is quickly run over herself ridding her body of the water there. Deodorant was sprayed and her toothbrush and hairbrush was run across their respected places in quick concession. Clutching the towel around herself she exited the bathroom in a billow stream and bite back a smirk at Emma’s current position.

Emma had now buried her face into Regina’s pillow, much as she always did when Regina wasn’t there. While Regina found it difficult to sleep on what she had long coined as “Emma’s side”, Emma did not have the same qualms, and was now almost laid diagonally across the bed. The cover was tucked beneath her chin. Watching Emma sleep was something she could do for hours if she allowed herself. She had always found Emma’s deep sleep filled breathing soothing, and would soon follow her partner into the land of dreams. Sadly today she did not have the luxury of hours to spare. Maybe later.

As quietly as she could the former Queen flicked through her many garments of clothing, silently cursing herself for not readying her outfit the night before as she always did. Emma’s return home had thrown her and her usual scheduled planning off kilter. It was something despite her slither annoyance at herself, she would never take back. Last night had been one of the most difficult in her entire existence and considering her life even Regina knew how difficult some in her past were to beat. But Emma was back. With a flutter of butterflies Regina couldn’t help the small smile that former upon her face at the thought it. Emma had come home. The idea of not having the future they had talked about hurt in a way Regina couldn’t put into words. The mere thought of it cut the woman more deeply than she could have ever imagined. With a lingering feeling of dread she swallowed back the negatives as best she could as she pulled out a blouse and a pair of jeans as she readied for the day ahead.

Her wardrobe choices were simple but smart. Even her jeans were the higher end of the market, much to Emma’s annoyance. The blonde however did like the denim’s snug fit upon Regina’s waist and other assets so she would get the kick of being comfortable and knowing her partner would have a difficult time taking her eyes from her. While Regina no longer had a need to wear the Mayoral suits she had become assumed to, she did like to look presentable. Whatever activity Henry had planned for their family afternoon out, she knew her current attire would best serve the necessary purpose. Natural make up would also suffice.

With her outfit in place and read to fight the day a head Regina made her way over to her own side of the bed. Emma hadn’t stirred since she had entered the room. The small huffs of noise the sleeping woman was making made Regina feel momentarily guilty at the thought of having to wake her. The blonde wouldn’t be happy if she left her sleeping so it was with a slightly heavy heart Regina knelt on one knee beside the bed, bringing her face to face with the sleeping blonde.

“Emma” Regina said gently not to startle the slumbering woman. She got nothing. Emma didn’t even seem to move. It was with a repress of a chuckle Regina repeated the blonde’s name a little louder. An unfocused eye opened and Emma shot back slightly at the shock of their proximity.

“Hey” Emma said sleepily and it took all the strength Regina possessed not to just give in to the pull of it. To say forget their planned day and simply join the other woman in what Emma called a “lazy day” and spend the day in warmth of her lover’s embrace and sleep for as long as was needed. Except she couldn’t and with a glance at Emma’s bedside clock she noted she had taken longer than she expected to get ready, though for the extra minutes she had allowed Emma to sleep she found she did not care. The Charmings and their son could wait a little longer.

“Hey” Regina grinned back at the lazy smile the formed in slow motion across Emma’s face. A face that was marred by creases made by their pillows and slightly rosy with sleep. Regina tightened her smile a little too much at the thought that one day, she wouldn’t get to see this. There would be a day in the not so distant future that Regina would not wake up next to that beautiful smile she’d become accustomed to. The smile she was meant to see for the rest of their lives.

“It’s time to get up” Regina added softly still allowing Emma to acclimatise to being awake. Emma made a slight noise of annoyance but gave a stretch that made Regina hear multiple bone crunching clicks, it was followed by a calmer sound of contentment. The younger woman sat up, rubbing a hand across her sleep filled eyes and letting out a loud audible yawn, clearly unaware of Regina’s inner struggle to once again lock out the world and just be them, in this room where no one could get them. They could lie in bed for hours and have no one bother them. They could sleep, talk and laugh. They could make love like nothing else mattered; only their life was calling with a resounding scream that could not be ignored.  “Why don’t you go and have a shower and get dressed while I make breakfast” Regina said unsure if in her sleepy haze Emma would remember the conversation from earlier.

It was with a sluggish “Okay” Emma clambered out of their bed, her hair stuck up at odd angles and Regina realised for the first time she actually really liked the length. The reasoning behind the shortened hair still flickered fear and disgust within her, but the length really did look good on the other woman. Emma didn’t seem to give her backward glance as she steadied herself before walking to their ensuite. It was hardly a change from their usual routine; Emma Swan was not a morning person.

Emma however came to a stop in the doorway one hand grasping the doorframe. “Is it okay to use your toiletries, it's just I can’t be bothered to get mine from the Bug” Emma asked with a sheepish grin.

“Of course dear” was her simple reply. There was no need for Emma to ask. Regina had always liked it when Emma smelt of her bathing products. Back at the start of their relationship, even before people knew they were together she loved it because it was as if she was marked as hers. Only hers. It was with a more reassured grin Emma retreated into their ensuite.

Regina rushed down the stairs ignoring the half destroyed box upon the side in the favour for two glass bowls and collected all the ingredients she’d need. It was mindless work as she added each ingredient in order, following the recipe from her own head. Once the batter was made, she set it aside; and walked back through the hallway. The former queen reached into Emma’s oversized jacket to retrieve the old car’s keys. It took her seconds to stride across the bright coloured car, opening the door she saw the boxes carrying her lover’s belonging.

It took five journeys for all boxes to be collected. Without breaking stride the brunette walked past the four boxes she’d placed in the hall way and carried the final one up the stairs. Upon entering the room she was greeted by the vision of Emma wrapped in one of their fluffiest towels, much as Regina had been less than an hour before.

“What are you doing?” Emma asked uneasily her brow creased in confusion despite it being very clear to Regina what it was she was currently doing. Placing the not so light box upon the foot of their bed Regina turned with a small smile.

“Brought in your belongings. The rest are downstairs” Regina answered as lightly as she could, but she could see a shadow fall across Emma’s face though could not fathom its origin.

“Oh, thanks” Emma replied almost curtly. The other woman’s stature was smaller than was usual. It unnerved Regina. Was Emma regretting this? Regretting coming back? Maybe it was presumptuous to assume Emma was ready to move back into the mansion with Henry and her. Was that where Emma’s request to borrow her toiletries had come from, uncertainty? Not wanting to commit? If that was so maybe she had been wrong about last night. No, she had to stop making assumptions and doubting herself and Emma. Making assumptions is what got them into this mess. Their failure to communicate had caused more damage than good.

“What?” Regina asked trying to sound as level as she could, despite the butterflies that seemed to have taken permanent residence in her stomach within the last twelve hours.

“Nothing” Emma said her tone of nonchalance wasn’t as effective as the other woman clearly wanted it to be. Regina didn’t always get it right, but when she did she could read Emma like a well-read book.

“Emma…” Regina encouraged and saw Emma’s resolve broke almost instantly.

“You didn’t have to” her love answered with a small shrug, though she had yet to look her in eye since Emma had spotted the box in her hand. The blonde was now leaning over the box rummaging through its contents; though even Regina could see it wouldn’t hold anything the woman would need at the moment.

“I know but I wanted to” she reassured the other woman and saw Emma’s take in a deep breath though the volume of it barely reached her ears. The other woman turned to look at her almost with a look of contemplation upon her face. She saw Emma swallow gently, and with a flick of her wet hair Emma shook her head faintly.

“I just got used to doing things for myself” Emma admitted quietly, as her tongue darted quickly across her bottom lip. Regina hadn’t considered what the blonde might take her gesture as. She had only sort to help the other woman.

“You don’t have to do everything for yourself anymore” Regina reassured though couldn’t help the small breathless laugh at her own stupidity. It wasn’t about Emma not wanting to be with her and their son. It was about what it had always been about, Emma not wanting to burden them with the task of looking after her.

“I know” Emma replied carefully.

“I’m here now” Regina stated firmly wanting Emma to know without doubt she had meant everything she had said the night before. She was here now. There was no running for either of them. She loved Emma more than she ever thought possible and she was going to do what she could, when she could to ensure Emma’s time with her family was as enjoyable as it could be. For all of them.

“I know” Emma said again, her tone wavered slightly though Regina couldn’t pinpoint the reason for it. When had it become so difficult for her to understand Emma. Was it simply because she had been out of practice for so long? Or was this the Emma she had the pleasure of sharing her company with today. Regina wished she no longer had to second guess her lover’s motives but the cancer within her brain was determined she always would.

“I want to help you” Regina clarified softly not wanting to force the other woman into help she did not want or need, though she saw the flicker in her partner’s eyes.

“I know Regina” Emma repeated only now her tone carried a slight tone of annoyance. It was with a slight huff the other woman moved enabling her to sit upon the mattress, her legs pressed into the side of the bed.

“Emma…” Regina says even her own ears she head the unconscious warning. She did not want to fight. It was a few boxes. It wasn’t a hassle to bring them in the house, nor to bring them upstairs. Emma had been busy doing other things, while she was waiting around. It made sense to use her time effectively…and she wanted to help.

“Shit…” Emma said her voice barely above a whisper, lowering her eyes and Regina against her better judgement felt a slither of guilt at her tone. Emma had been living on her own for the last three months and when she wasn’t she had strangers pawing over her body and daily routine with little say or control over anything. It was logical Emma felt it was necessary to hoard that control and independence, but she shouldn’t take it out on her.

“I was just wanted to help” Regina breathed wanting Emma to understand. She wasn’t trying to take away any of the blonde’s control, she wasn’t saying Emma needed looking after. By the sound of things Emma had been doing a good job of that on her own, and she didn’t want to impede that. She just wanted to help out when she could, to feel useful because what else could she do as Emma was in front of her literally dying. There was not a damn thing she could do, so she’d carry a few boxes a couple of hundred yards and bring them upstairs so the other woman didn’t have to.

“I know. I’m sorry” Emma said a little softly now, though her face was painted with guilt and shame as her eyes rose back to her own. Her apology while warranted just made Regina feel almost worse. Regina didn’t want her to feel those things. She did not want Emma to feel bad, she wanted to help Emma feel good and happy; and yet again it seemed she had managed just the opposite. The blonde took the few strides towards her almost attentively. It took her by surprise when she felt Emma’s arms wrap themselves around her.

Wet hair tickled the side of her face as she watched drops of water clinging to the fair shoulder in front of her eyes. Taking a deep breath she allowed herself the comfort the hug held. She allowed herself the luxury of holding her lover close and felt the tickle of the other woman’s breath against her cheek. This wasn’t easy for Emma, just as it wasn’t easy for Regina. Their life held every damning insecurity Emma had feared and played it out in front of them as they both ran to keep up with the rollercoaster their lives had become.

“I know” Emma whispered again, before placing a kiss upon her hairline. Regina heard the tone of understand and the knowing behind the words this time. Emma understood her frustration, her need to help. Her need to do something, anything useful. The former Mayor couldn’t help the feeling of sadness as she realised that she must be feeling something similar to what Emma had been feeling. Emma could take all the medication she was given and eat the right things, sleep the right hours and wear the warmest of clothes; and yet here she was her time coming to an end. She was just like Regina, doing what she could in the hope it might just make it a little better.

To her astonishment she did not feel the sting of tears nor saw any in her love’s eyes as Emma pulled away. She only saw appreciation and couldn’t help the small smile that graces her lips. She’d give all she could to the woman before her; she’d give even more if Emma allowed it. There was no need for neither thanks nor shame; resentment nor obligation. She did what she did out of love just as she always had. Emma’s condition did nothing to change that, nor did it influence the flutter of need to protect her from all the bad in the world and all other realms. She did it all for love and she would until the very end.

She saw the flutter of shyness creep into Emma’s smile as her tongue dances along her bottom lip once more. She couldn’t help but smile back and hope Emma understood. “I’m bringing up the other boxes” Regina stated firmly and only detected a small shift in the woman still holding her shoulders. No rebuff or refusal escaped her lips though and she continued. “While you get dressed and then I will finish making our pancakes and I except to see you downstairs shortly” Regina continued trying her hardest to not show her delight at the glee in Emma’s grin at the mention of pancakes. It wasn’t an indulgent she allowed often but today she would make the exception, though if Emma beamed at her every time she made them she would make them daily. Who cared for the pounds she’d gain at the expensive of that beautiful smile.

“Okay” Emma agreed easily and it made her heart skip within her chest. If it was simply pleasures like pancakes that made Emma happy she would keep doing them. If it was things like this that made the other stuff more bearable, more enjoyable she’d do anything she could to make that smile happen more often. As she turned to leave she felt Emma’s hand upon her forearm. She felt the butterflies flutter slightly at the smile the other woman was giving her. It was one of appreciation and love in equal measure. “Thank you” Emma breathed, causing Regina’s own breath to catch in her throat.

“It’s no bother Emma” Regina said softly and saw the smile shine brighter before her. Placing her own arm upon Emma’s opposite shoulder she gave it a gentle squeeze of reassurance before pulling herself away from her love’s grasp. She could stay locked in Emma’s embrace all day if she let herself. Maybe whatever Henry had planned for their afternoon would allow her just that, but for now she needed to keep them moving or they’d never get to the Charming’s.

Her repeated journeys up and down the stairs, boxes in hand made for quite an odd experience. Upon entering their room Regina found Emma in a different state of dress each time. Clad only in a towel, then underwear, followed by her jeans in which Emma was nursing the broken belt loop. It was almost as if Emma believed she could fuse the material together with her hands, and maybe Regina could but she’d need to look and check how to do it. Her urge to just try and screw the circumstances faded away at Emma’s admission that this was the only pair she owned that still fit. Regina noted for the first time that the belt around Emma’s waist had holes added to the leather to make it a tighter fit. It was a stark reminder of the weight Emma had lost since she’d left Storybrooke and she tried her hardest not to dwell or stare at the slim waist as Emma continued her fruitless battle.

Her fifth and final journey found Emma now fully dressed trying to tame her newly washed hair. It seemed Emma cared very little for the style the mop of hair took as long as it was brushed. Dropping the last box down upon the floor as the bed was now filled with the others she noted a slight change of smell to the air. Turning back to face the blonde she saw the bottle of perfume she’d smashed only the week before. That wasn’t possible. She’d thrown the fragments away and had to scrub the fragrant liquid out of the carpet. It wasn’t salvageable, and yet Emma had just sprayed herself with it.

“What’s that?” Regina asked loudly.

“Perfume…” Emma answered slowly clearly confused. She seemed to even look down at the bottle as if to check it was indeed perfume.

“You left it here” the older woman stated, feeling just as confused as Emma looked.

“I know…I bought a new one” Emma countered with a smile as she placed the bottle upon the vanity; the exact place the old one had resided in. Regina couldn’t help the rush of disbelief and frustration she felt at Emma’s words.

“You bought a new one…Emma that cost me over two hundred dollars” Regina replied incredulously. It took the former Mayor a moment to realised she’d just revealed the price of Emma’s birthday present, though it didn’t seem to matter anymore.

“I know” Emma stated evenly, her eyes narrowed slightly; clearly not understanding the point Regina was making.

“You bought yourself a two hundred dollar bottle of perfume?” Regina asked sceptically. She had bought herself a bottle of expensive perfume when prior to Storybrooke she wouldn’t have even bothered with the stuff except for special occasions; which was rare. 

“I like it…it reminds me of you” Emma said self-consciously. To add to the moment she watched as in slow motion as Emma’s cheeks flushed with possible embarrassment Regina had never meant to cause with her questioning. Her heart warmed at the confession. Regina couldn’t help but shake her head however, of all the things Emma needed and could have bought with her money the perfume wasn’t a high priority.

“The price never bothered you when you brought it. Though I bet the look on my mother’s face when I opened a bottle of perfume called “7 Billion Hearts” was worth the money” Emma said her tone one of smug amusement at her expense, despite the fact she was still sporting a deep red tinge upon her cheeks.

“Indeed it was” Regina replied easily seeing Emma’s eyes glint with the same delight she had felt at Snow’s look of horror at reading the name on Emma’s last birthday. It most certainly was worth every cent. “Though I also bought it because I love it when you smell of vanilla…it makes you smell…” Regina finished talking with a contented sigh. She was stunned that the smug look upon Emma’s face did not deepen, but instead the blonde simply walked towards her with a slight sway of her hips.

“Is that so?” Emma breathed inches away from her face, allowing her scent to fill her nostrils. Vanilla mixed with a hint of apple. All Regina’s. Regina could only nod slightly, feeling a little vulnerable for her admission. The smile she was given in return however washed away any feeling of vulnerability in quick swoop.

With a grin Emma turned to give her hair one last tweaking, and Regina couldn’t help her smirk the other woman’s efforts. She had never seen Emma put so much effort and time into her hair for just an ordinary day. Emma not looking at her however enabled Regina to allow her gaze to wander across Emma’s face. She was happy to see the dark patches beneath her eyes looked a little less defined and her face a little less lined.  Her eyes lowered to her prominent collarbone and supposed she would have to get used to it. It took her a moment to realised what was else was wrong with that area; Emma isn’t wearing her swan pendant. Before she can ask however Emma rushes passed her.  “Shit” Emma breathed running into their bathroom at a bound.

“What?” Regina asked with a bark feeling panic settling in instantly. Emma gave no reply which did not lessen the feeling of dread she felt rising within her. Rushing after her the brunette came to stop with a slight skid upon the bathroom floor and gasped upon seeing the crimson fluid flowing from Emma’s nose as she hunched over the sink.

Regina remained stock still. She was literally unable to move. Her feet wouldn’t move her forward to offer support or backwards to give privacy. Regina was simply stood looking at Emma’s reflection in the mirror above the sink, her mouth agape.

“Go start the breakfast I’ll be down soon” Emma said over her shoulder, her voice sounding slightly muffled by the grip she had upon the bridge of her nose. She couldn’t move. Her brain couldn’t comprehend the words that fell from her partner’s mouth. She saw Emma’s lips move in her reflection but the meaning of the words was lost in the air between them.

“Regina…” Emma says forcefully breaking her concentration, or lack of in this case. She noticed Emma was now looking at her in her reflection and Regina could still see the blood coming from the blonde’s nose. “It’s okay. It happens… I’ll be five minutes tops” the other woman said in a tone which surprisingly almost reassured her. She remembered Emma’s explanation about bleeding problems, she had even told her about the nosebleeds. But seeing it? Watching her love’s blood literally pouring out of her body and seeing Emma’s failed attempted to stop it as it fell into their dazzling white sink? The dazzling white of the sink seemed to brighten against the crimson life force of her partner. She had not readied herself for that.

“I’m okay” Emma reassured her, and even Regina could see the blood flow was lessening. She didn’t like it. She wasn’t even sure she would ever get used to it, as it seemed from her tone Emma had. How could you get used to frequently bleeding from your face and not worry about it? Just get on it with as if it was a fact of life; and there it was. It was a fact of life, just as being unable to moderate her body temperature or emotions had become part of Emma’s everyday life, this had too.

With a nod she left and with every step she took she felt the pull tugging her backwards. She wanted to help, except Emma seemed to have it under control. It was Emma who was taking care of her by sending her away. She had been the Evil Queen and she had frozen upon seeing her partner having a nose bleed.

Her brain still buzzed as she made their stack of pancakes. Though it lessened as she watched the batter fall and form their neat circles in the pan. It quietened as she waited until the exact moment she needed to flip them and cook their second side. By the time Emma entered the kitchen, the final pancake was added to Regina’s plate and her brain was almost completely silent.

As she turned Regina notice the other woman was now wearing a white cardigan over her attire. It actually looked well made, and warm. Far too warm for Regina’s liking on the last day in June but she understood Emma’s predicament and hoped for a moment that Henry wouldn’t notice or question the blonde’s wardrobe choices. She noted Emma was also carrying a purse over her shoulder and felt pretty certain she had never seen her carry one before. Emma was more of an “everything will fit into my pockets” kind of person.

She placed both of their plates down at their respected places, and felt her stomach flip at the smile Emma gave her. Thankfully the younger woman had removed all evidence of her nosebleed but Regina still felt uneasy about it. She felt as if they should do something about it. She placed two forks upon the table as well as the Maple syrup and butter. Regina personally only had butter on her pancakes but Emma and their son seemed to take delight in having lashings of the sticky syrup much to Regina’s dislike. Today however she would endure it with a smile.

Finally she filled two glasses with orange juice, feeling while she could use the caffeine kick it might be insensitive to indulge in it when Emma couldn’t. She placed the two glasses upon the table next to their plates and saw Emma looking thoughtful over to her left. “Everything okay dear” Regina asked and saw Emma’s eyes narrow up at her from her sitting position.

She watched as Emma smiled with a nod. “Yeah I just need a…” the blonde said but came to an abrupt halt. She saw as a look of confusion tinted the fair face. Regina squished the urge to encourage the other woman as Emma worried her bottom lip. She could literally see both the frustration and annoyance etched into the lines on Emma’s face. It was then Regina’s turn to fight the impulse to fire suggestions at the other woman. An impulse that was thankfully squashed as she saw Emma’s face light up in comprehension. It was with a proud beam Emma asked, “Please can you pass me a knife?”

It took Regina a moment to realise she had forgotten to set out knives, if she had Emma wouldn’t have had to struggle to remember the word. “Sure” Regina said with a tight smile she hoped didn’t look faked, as she turned to their cutlery draw pulling out two. It took seconds for Emma to attack her pancake stack which Regina saw instantly she had in fact lathered in Maple syrup as she had predicted.

If Regina was honest with herself she was surprised Emma didn’t seem…embarrassed at her lapse in memory. Sure she had told Regina at times she struggled with naming things, but she still expected some sort of reaction from the former Sheriff.

Sitting next to the blonde Regina started eating her pancakes with a considerably less enthusiasm. As her second mouthful was placed in her mouth she found herself eyeing up the Maple syrup and considering it for a moment. Should she try it? She never had, if she was to indulge in other pleasures why not that as well. What harm could it do her, just this once? 

“Thank you” Emma said enthusiastically already on her second pancake, clearly not paying attention to the sticky substance Regina was pouring over her own.

“They’re only pancakes Emma” Regina replied feeling a little shy over Emma’s unnecessary gratitude.

“No” the blonde said firmly with a wave of her fork. The green eyes seemed to dazzle slightly for a moment. “For not trying to help. It might sound weird but its better that you don’t” Emma explained as the start of her third pancake was put into her mouth. Confusion hit Regina square in the stomach at the words. Was she not meant to help Emma? Surely any prompts she could give would ease any distress the forgetfulness might bring.

Sensing Regina’s confusion Emma continued. “If you tell me then I’ll know, but I won’t have remembered. If I’m really struggling and look like I won’t remember whatever it is then please tell me but first give me a shot at it” Emma clarified softly. It was odd to think this was their life now. With the possibility of Emma forgetting literally it seemed anything, even ordinary things like knives.

“Okay” Regina promised with a smile as she placed her first syrup covered bite into her mouth. She had to hold back the moan of satisfaction at the taste of it. Despite the fact she could feel the sugar content immediately rotting her teeth she could tell why her family favoured it. It was delicious. It was also the reason why she managed to almost hoover two of her pancakes at a speed similarly to the woman who placed her fork down upon an empty plate.

“Henry called” Emma said taking a sip of her orange juice, Regina herself had forgotten about.  “He said we’re going to the beach. Mom is making some food for lunch, so we have to get there about ten, half ten” Emma explained into her glass. Regina nodded in response. She had already assumed that the Charming duo would be expecting their arrival around that time and had planned for it.

Regina watched Emma move to retrieve her purse from under the table as she ate her last pancake. After a few seconds of rummaging through it, the blonde pulled out a strip of tablets. Two yellow ones like the evening before were popped out onto the table. It was with the last bite of her breakfast Regina watched Emma take the tables with the last of her orange juice. When the blonde looked up from her task Regina’s eyes dropped to the last of her own juice hoping Emma hadn’t seen her watching her. However over the rim of her glass she saw the slightly shy smile looking back at her.

The other woman stretched as Regina snatched up the two plates and put them in the dish washer. She heard Emma leave and move around in the hall as Regina added their cutlery and glasses to the dirty dishes. She’d set it away later.  Walking into the hall she saw Emma’s attempts to put her boots on, while balancing her large coat and purse across her arm. Deciding flats were probably the better choice for their day a head Regina took seconds to put them on and made a grab for her summer jacket. It was unlikely she’d need it, but better to be safe than sorry.

 “If we’re going to the beach do you want to just take the Bug?” Emma asked as Regina moved passed her to leave the house. She couldn’t help the disgruntled noise that fell from her lips. In almost two years together Regina had become somewhat used to rides in the bright yellow car, however she still avoided it when possible. “Better my car gets filled with sand than yours” Emma said with a tone of amused suggestion. She wasn’t wrong there. It was cost a fortune to get her car cleaned, while Emma’s already smelt…fausty.

Emma stepped over the threshold allowing Regina to lock up behind them. “We could drive in mine, and…drive from your parents’ in their car” Regina suggested, sounding feeble to even her ears. There was no way Emma would take her side on this and she already knew the idea was a ridiculous one.

“Do you _really_ want to ride with my mother all the way there?” Emma replied with a tone of extreme glee at Regina’s expense. The older woman simply scowled as the former Sheriff laughed openly. The sound of it made Regina’s inside squirm. It was with a smirk Emma opened her passenger door and with a resounding “oh” Regina remembered she had pocketed Emma’s car keys. But how had she known?

The start of the drive was quiet. Not awkward just silent. Though something she couldn’t help but notice was Emma’s frequent glance up at the rear view mirror. It was almost as if she didn’t trust herself. Regina bite back the emotion that came with the memory of Emma telling her she was finally able to drive again after her operation. From where Regina was sitting she was doing everything she was supposed to be doing, better in fact than most. Emma had once confessed she like many, once she had been driving for a while lost her need to follow the rules of the road to the letter. As long as she could drive and still keep everyone safe that was fine, but Regina could see it. Could see it in Emma’s movements, her stance and facial expression she was trying. Trying too hard. She was afraid of doing something wrong.

She placed a hand against Emma’s thigh, and felt it twitch under her fingertips. It seemed to break Emma’s concentration and she receiving a small smile though the blonde did not take her eyes off the road. Unlike in the past one of Emma’s own hands did not come to rest upon hers. She allowed Emma to take comfort in it anyway.

“I have a confession” Regina said possibly a little too loudly for their silent journey and saw Emma turned her head in her direction. She looked a little worried. It was hardly surprising considering Emma’s recent confessions. Glancing at the car’s clock she saw it had been almost exactly twelve hours since Emma had knocked on her front door. How was that possible? She gave the thigh her hand was resting upon a slight squeeze hoping Emma would feel it and feel reassured, now her eyes were back on the road.

“I smashed your perfume bottle” Regina confessed quietly and saw Emma’s head turn so fast she was surprised she didn’t have whiplash.  The other woman had a look of worry on her face and it took Regina a moment to consider the reason. “Not your new one! The one you left” the former queen said in a rush, hearing Emma sigh in relief as her attention was drawn back to the road in front of them. Summer it seemed had brought families out in their cars as the traffic was moving slower than usual. Regina wondered if for a moment the beach was a good idea on a day as good as this one.

“You smashed it” Emma said in disbelief though her tone held one of slight amusement.

Regina nodded before realising her lover wouldn’t be able to see. “Yes” Regina said carefully trying to gage Emma’s reaction.

“You smashed the perfume you just told me off for buying? It cost you over two hundred dollars” the other woman said incredulously. She couldn’t stop the chuckle at the irony that Emma was now telling her off despite the fact they both knew out of the two of them who had the most money. “I guess I know now why our room smells funky” Emma continued all traces of disbelief gone from her tone though in its place seemed to be a humorous lilt.

“It doesn’t smell” Regina grumbled which only seemed to fuel Emma’s amusement at the situation. Regina had not felt it was funny at the time. She had cried herself to sleep that night; it was something she hadn’t done in almost a month. She felt as if she had lost that last little bit of Emma she had left.

“It does a little” Emma remarked bluntly looking over at Regina with a grin.

Regina had smelt the perfume for days. At first it didn’t go away, it was sickly in its ability to overpower her senses. But as time progressed she smelt it less and less, it had only really evident when she entered the bedroom and then she would become acclimatised again to the fragrant. It was with a stark moment of consciousness that she realised that Henry hadn’t entered her bedroom since just before the bottle had broken, so she didn’t even have his back up to state if the room smelt of the spilt perfume.

“I like the smell” Regina admitted, feeling her face tingle at the confession.

“So you broke the bottle?” Emma asked dubiously with a slight low chuckle.

“I knocked it off” Regina said defensively.

Emma continued to laugh softly. She supposed she could be honest and tell Emma the truth. Emma had been honest enough with her over her reasoning for buying the extra bottle. She had done it because it reminded her of Regina. “It reminded me of you…” Regina said repeating Emma’s earlier statement. She couldn’t look at Emma though as the declaration was breathed out. She did however hear Emma’s slight inhale in what sounded like surprise as the laughter died out.

“So you broke the bottle?” Emma asked her again though her tone sounded different, it was difficult for Regina to pinpoint the emotion or intent behind the words.

“I knocked it off” Regina repeated feeling a little foolish at what sounded like Emma’s rebuff. It surprised her when she felt Emma’s hand finally being placed upon her own. It took her a moment to remember that her hand was resting upon the blonde’s thigh, but it took no time for her heart to skip a beat at the sensation. Turning her head to look at the driving blonde she saw the smile that was gracing Emma’s lips. The same smile that had accompanied Regina admission to liking her smell of vanilla. It was endearing and special, and just for Regina. It was her smile. She’d missed it.

“I’d…” Regina started not quite sure if she should continue. It was stupid and juvenile. Except the smile was still there. It warmed her heart and made her brain fog and clear at the same time. It held none of the problems and fears that had been haunting her since last night, but swam with only one thought. Emma Swan. Her Emma. The blonde’s hand squeezed hers slightly in a form of comfort as her eyes flickered back and forth from the road and necessary mirrors. But when her emerald eyes landed upon her again, Emma’s smile tightened and Regina knew she was okay. She was safe just as she had always been. Yes her confession was childish, but that was okay, and Emma would understand and wouldn’t use it against her.

“I sprayed it just before going to sleep because it made it feel like you were there” Regina confessed with a swallow of nerves she felt bubbling under the surface. There was a moment’s pause. She saw the smile fade. They were nearly at Emma’s parents’ apartment. Silence seemed to descend once more in the small vehicle and she hated it. She hated the surge of almost uncertainty she felt in Emma’s silence. She did not expect a big song and dance over her admission. But she expected acknowledgment…reassurance.

“I bought the perfume because it reminded me of you” Emma admitted once more into the thick silence. Regina felt the pit of her stomach churn in the light of the admission because it was one Emma had already made. Though maybe the other woman was showing understanding in Regina’s actions. Emma however continued. “I also bought the same shampoo, conditioner and shower gel that you use” the driver admitted gently though unlike Regina, Emma did not shift her eyes away from her as they neared a set of traffic lights.

Regina felt the trickle of shock and surprise mix within her head as she tried as hard as she could not look away from the eyes that bore into her. She couldn’t stop the disbelieving smile that formed upon her lips at the words. “It allowed me on the days at 3 am when I couldn’t sleep, I could close my eyes and you were there with me” Emma explained in a calmed voice that seemed to rock the older to her core. It was a simple admission but it equalled her own. Her heart swelled in her chest and lump formed and stuck in her throat making it impossible to speak.

“I knew it was possible I could forget all this for a while” the blonde continued pull away from the traffic lights which had impeded their journey momentarily. With her concentration back on the road Emma’s fingers trailing patterns against the bacl of her hand. “Storybrooke, my folks and Henry. But I had those tangible things. They were just smells that would flicker a memory inside of me…of you and I knew I’d be okay” Emma finished her tone faintly hushed.

Regina bite back her emotions, feeling her eyes sting. She could not turn up at the Charmings’ looking as if she had been crying. She could not let Henry see. He could not know yet.  She didn’t know what to say and felt momentarily guilty over her now inability to speak. Though Emma did not look upset by it as she glanced over at her passenger. In fact she saw understanding shining back at her. Emma had done just as she had, except Emma had done it with the uncertainty of what tomorrow might bring. She had done it to keep Regina with her, just as she had done those lonely nights.

“I knew you liked me wearing vanilla” Emma said her tone one of remarkable jest.

“You did?” Regina asked breathlessly still trying to keep a reign on her emotions.

“Yeah. Mom gave me back the list you gave her for my birthday in case I wanted to put the things I didn’t get on my Christmas list” the driving woman said with a small chortle. Emma’s explanation didn’t make it any clearer. She felt her eyebrow rise when the former Sheriff looked at her and her breath hitched at Emma’s open giggle.

“I didn’t ask for the vanilla bath set…that I got” Emma confirmed with a shy smirk. Regina didn’t need a mirror to know she was blushing. She felt the heat instantly and was pretty sure it was radiating from her face. She could deny it. Faux ignorance at the whole thing but what would be the point. It was true. She loved Emma’s own scent but it was heightened by vanilla. She couldn’t even remember what had happened to make her have the realisation that was true.

“So yeah I knew” the other woman added with a nose crinkle in her direction. Despite her humorous manner Regina felt the hand upon hers curl slightly taking hold of it.  It was the gentle squeeze that made her heart flutter a little within her chest.

“It’s not my fault it makes you smell delicious, dear” Regina retorted aiming for the same air of humour.  She watched Emma’s eyebrow rise as the blonde glanced over at her, and saw she had picked up upon her intended double innuendo. It was with a tickle of laughter from Emma they turned into Snow’s block. Killing the engine she felt Emma freeze for a moment before turning and giving her a huge smile. It reached her eyes and made them sparkle. “You ready for this…” she asked with a level of confidence Regina had yet to reach over the whole situation.

“As I’ll ever be” Regina replied and was surprised to see a sparkle of understanding Emma eyes. She wasn’t as poised and ready as she seemed. That alone made her feel more confident because they could do it together even if they were unsure of what was going to happen in the future. It was with a nod the blonde got out of the car.

Emma had barely knocked when Snow ripped the door open and swamped Emma into a tight hug. She even heard Emma’s breath being involuntary pushed out of her lungs. Snow only had eyes and attention for daughter and for once Regina didn’t mind in the slightest. “Hi Mom” Emma forced out but Regina saw the younger women’s arms wrap around her mother all the same. It was odd to see the dramatic change in their relationship. Four months ago Emma still struggled with physical affection when it came to her mother. It was a shame that the change had come in the light of something so dire.

Neither Charming nor Henry could be seen as Snow returned to her task they had interrupted which seemed to be making their lunch. It took her seconds however to recognise the large stomping noise coming down the stairs but before she could warn Emma, Henry had collided with his other mother sending them both sideward into one of the dining chairs. The chair’s scrape along the ground seemed to echo in the small apartment. Regina fought the urge to reprimand the teen but seeing Snow smiling at the duo reminded her it truly didn’t matter.

 “Whoa kid” Emma said sounded slightly as if the wind had been knocked out of her by the teen who had his arms wrapped around her. It still shocked her to see that Henry was the same size as both of his mothers. It shocked her still to see Henry almost engulf Emma in his hug. “You just saw me last night” Emma continued with a tone of disbelief as she righted them both into a proper standing position.

“Hi Mom” Henry said his tone one of cheer. It was clear he was happy to have his family back around him again. Her son however did not wait for her response. “I wanna show you something” Henry said pulling on his other mother’s arm. Emma rolled her eyes though even Regina could see her delight in their son’s invitation as he included her in whatever he was doing.

“Okay” Emma said with a faux tone of annoyance which earned her an equally fake scowl from their son. Regina allowed the easy smile to form upon her face at her loved ones antics as the blonde was dragged by Henry up the small flight of stairs to the room she had once slept in. Regina couldn’t help the memory of the night she and Emma had spent together in the room. It was a memory she’d cherish simply for the trust Emma had shown her that night.  What had started as a relaxing night in turned into Emma sharing some stories from her past. Most were so Regina would know more about Emma, but some had been difficult to hear. The night had ended with Emma lying in her arms and it couldn’t have been more perfect. It may have been that night as Emma slept at her side she realised she loved the sleeping blonde. It was the night that changed them both, forever.

Now the small bedroom mainly held Henry’s overspill of belongings his grandparents had bought him…as if he needed another game console amongst other things. It was Henry’s room when he slept here, and when he didn’t it was Snow’s sewing and craft room. When Regina had been Mayor she chose to unwind with gardening as her hobby, Snow had chosen sewing and crafts. It wouldn’t have been the first time Henry had come home with a piece of homework he had done with pieces of birthday confetti embedded into his design. Belle who had taken over as Henry’s teacher couldn’t exactly complain if Henry’s chosen way of expressing himself was not to her liking. Belle’s predecessor and now Mayor of the town was Henry’s Grandmother, her partner was Henry’s paternal Grandfather; while the town’s former Sheriff and Mayor were his mothers. Their family tree was peculiar, and Belle did not stand a chance. 

“He’s been up there pretty much since he got here last night” Snow said her voice seemed to be void of emotion. It was then Regina realised they had both been staring at the closed door their children had just gone through. She felt the rush of annoyance overpower her at the other woman’s words. Could she not entertain a teenage boy without using video games?

Though she could see in the other woman’s eyes and the lack of sleep that seemed to linger there. She had seen the smile she had plastered upon her face when Henry had bound into the room. Maybe it was for the best Henry had taken himself off to his room. Allowed the Charming parents grieve for what was coming. What they were going to lose. They’d already lost twenty eight years of their daughter’s life. They had already lost so much. It was with a pang of guilt Regina simply nodded the other woman.

A noise from behind her made her turn and become face to face with Charming. He like his wife looked haggard. She could literally see the hours he had not slept etched into every line of his face. Of course Snow had told him of Emma’s condition. There was no way if Henry confided in her sometime this huge she could keep it to herself. She would need to tell Emma.

It was with a slight smile that did not reach his eyes Charming put the bags in hands down. She could see their contents were from Granny’s. Clearly Snow was under the impression she was feeding fifty people not five.

All those downstairs felt their eye flicker towards the door left ajar by their absent family members as a clear rumble of laughter could be heard and echoed around the silent apartment. Both from Emma and Henry. That was what this day was about. Not the time they were going to lose but the time they had left. The memories they could create with Emma while she was still with them. To cherish each and every moment and enjoy them. Not taking a single one for granted.

Regina realised in that moment how true that was. The fights, the laughter, the moments when she would look at Emma and the whole world would drift way. Each she had taken for granted. Each stupid fight did not matter anymore. It did not matter who left the milk out or didn’t take out the trash. None of it matter, because they had each other. She refused to let the little things bother her anymore. She would let every precious moment count.

Both Henry and Emma came down the steps at a bound; Henry more than Emma. The camera Emma had brought him for Christmas was swinging haphazardly from his wrist. Emma gave her a small but reassuring smile that warmed her insides. Before Emma could make it from the bottom step Charming engulfed her into a hug that looked almost crushing, but it was a hug Emma returned almost immediately.

She watched as Charming placed a kiss upon Emma’s head and wondered if the man knew he’d just kissed exactly where Emma’s new scar was. She saw that Emma did however because she shot Regina sad grimace. Henry wasn’t playing any attention to the adults around him but was instead trying, and succeeding in Snow’s distraction to steal whatever she was putting in their sandwiches.

“Henry” Snow said in surprise noticing her grandson was devouring their sandwich filling. He didn’t even look slightly ashamed of himself as grinned at her. “Do you like chicken Emma?” Snow asked through pursed lips waving a readymade sandwich in her direction.

“Er yeah” Emma replied somewhat awkwardly as she stepped down and away from her father. It took her moments to come and stand next to Regina. The former Queen felt her fingers tingle with the need to offer Emma a form of comfort. It might not be clear to the others in the room but she could see Emma was struggling slightly with the attention despite it being clear she wanted it.

She also had to resist the urge to explain to Snow things she had only ever changed with Regina. In the foster system there were some family which had the rule that you ate what you were given or you didn’t eat. If someone asked if you liked something you said yes and ate it. It was something the blonde had confided in her the night in Emma’s old bedroom. Emma did indeed like chicken but she couldn’t help but wonder briefly if Emma still says yes out of reflex. 

“Right we better get to this riding lesson …” Charming said sternly pulling Regina out of her contemplation. Henry wasted no time in rushing past her to grab his things. But glancing over at Emma she could see her looking at her father with a hint of what looked to be confusion and possibility worry.  

“You okay Emma?” Snow asked clearly sensing the shift in the other woman just as she had. Though as she watched Emma’s gaze flicker around the room she felt the rush of annoyance flood her system and tried with all her might not to scream at pixie haired woman for her lack of tact. 

“Yeah … just not a huge horse fan” Emma answered uneasily.

“Horses are cool” Henry answered happily now carrying his riding gear and glared at his grandfather when Charming removed the small camera he had swinging from his wrist. That device was going to end up broken one of these days, she could sense it.

“They’re just a little … big” the blonde replied sheepishly with a shrug of her shoulders.

“Oscar isn’t … mom rides him. I ride Heidi she’s about the same size but Gramps rides Rocket. He’s huge” Henry explained excitedly, clearly eager to share something new with his birthmother. Emma on the other hand didn’t look comforted by the flood of information. In fact she looked if possible more worried.

“You can’t be scared of horses…” Henry scoffed slightly and Regina felt a rush of annoyance at her teenage son. It wasn’t up to him if Emma was indeed scared of horses. It was quite understandable for someone to afraid of the animal if they had limited experiences with them. Something Emma clearly had having living mostly of her life in big cities.

“They’re just big. I’m not scared of them” Emma bite back and Regina heard the defensiveness in her tone. Henry did not look perturbed by Emma’s resistance.

“It’s okay. I’ll introduce you to Heidi if you want? She likes sugar cubes and mints” Henry explained his slightly mocking tone all but gone. It was obvious he didn’t want to jeopardise the encounter. She was surprised to see Emma nod at the suggestion.

“Come on then…” Charming said now standing with one hand holding open the door. Regina tried her hardest not to look amused at Charming’s clear annoyance at having to wait. They were already leaving later than was usual.

Emma and Regina followed Henry out of the building with the Charming duo following them. Henry it seemed wanted to ride with his grandparents, so it left Emma and Regina to travel alone. Once again silence descended around them. Emma’s eyes seemed to stare out at the road, almost unblinkingly so, unconsciously worrying her bottom lip.

She couldn’t help but wonder if Emma had been entirely truthful in her admission about the horse riding. There was something about her tense stance and deathly grip upon the steering wheel which suggested it was more than fear of horses. Could she ask? Or better yet should she ask?

“Charming only started his lessons about two months ago” Regina said breaking the silence. She saw Emma glance in her direction though the blonde gave no response. “It’s been mainly trying to get Henry confident and getting Heidi to trust him. It’s only recently he’s been doing proper riding work” the former Mayor continued and couldn’t help the surge of pride she felt at Henry’s accomplishments. Despite Henry persistent begging to have riding lessons, it was clear in the early stages their son hadn’t considered how much work it would entitle.

Emma seemed to nod in slow motion though the lip worrying did not lessen. “I just finally decided I needed to stop worrying and avoiding it. He wanted lessons and your father and I can give them to him. Snow helps sometimes too” Regina explained carefully noting the fair hands loosening their tight grip considerably upon the wheel. If it weren’t for Emma, Regina doubted she would have never faced the feelings she felt over the stables. They still lingered sometimes but seeing the happiness upon her son’s face made it worth it.

“Yeah?” was Emma’s breathless reply and it was only then Regina realised Emma was fighting back tears. She wanted to do something; anything to make that tone go away. Their position in the car would have made it physically impossible to pull Emma into a hug she so desperately wanted to give. It would probably cause them to crash as well.

“Emma…” she whispered understandingly. It made sense. They’d made plans just as they had done for the last eight Sundays, and it was only now Emma was included. She would have been if she was here. She’d missed him start lessons. She’d missed Henry’s first successful, unaided mount. She’d missed their son in his element as he followed his grandfather’s instructions and there was nothing she could do change that. She really wished she could.

“It’s fine” Emma answered back and Regina felt how fine it wasn’t. She shivered as she felt a chill run down her spine. Nothing about any of this was fine.

“He’s only really just started riding in the last few weeks you haven’t missed much” Regina said in her most sincere reassuring voice, only to be startled by the bark of cracked laughter that fell from Emma’s lips.

“No I haven’t…” the blonde said with a tone of disbelief. It took a moment for Emma to glance over at her. To share that moment with her and Regina saw it. She saw the very thing that could cause them both to break. The reason she’s trying so hard not to cry. Not for what she’s missed but what she will never be a part of.

“Emma...” Regina breathes feeling the ever present lead weight bearing down upon her chest making it nearly impossible to draw breath. Emma flicks her hair out of her face and Regina sees the determination form upon her face in profile. She saw the blonde’s jaw twitch with the strain being forced upon it as Emma clenched her teeth. There was nothing she could say. Nothing she could do because Emma’s feelings were right. They could keep trying to deny it but they were true. They had to enjoy what they could while they could, but they were both allowed their moments of weakness and this was one of Emma’s. She was thankful Emma trusted her enough to let her witness it.

“I am not afraid of horses” Emma said sternly though Regina could hear the quiver of emotion still lingering behind the words. She gave in easily and allowed Emma to change the subject if she wished.

“Okay” she replied easily.

“Maybe a little but don’t tell Henry” Emma replied and saw the upturn of her lips as Emma looked over at her. It was with genuine affection she smiled back. 

“Your secret is safe with me” Regina responded effortlessly and she heard Emma low chuckle before the noise died down to nothing. Only the sound of the engine could be heard though Regina watched as Emma’s fingers gently drummed the steering wheel as she followed her father’s car.

“Can I come to more of his lessons?” Emma asked though she was glad the question did not hold hesitation.

“Of course. You don’t have to ask Emma” Regina reassured her, once again placing her hand in its rightful place upon Emma’s leg. As she had become accustomed she felt the muscle beneath her hand quiver. Emma simply nodded in response. “Maybe we could teach you some riding skills” Regina suggested humorously, a feeling that soared at Emma’s easy laughter.

“I’m good thank you. I’d rather keep my feet on the ground” Emma stated loudly as if she was putting an end to all thoughts or possibilities they would forcibly place her upon a saddle.

“You can ride with me if you’d like” the older woman suggested.

“What?” Emma asked glancing over at her with a look of bemusement.

“Oscar…if you want you can ride with me today” Regina clarified and could see Emma was considering the offer. “I promise to make sure you don’t fall off” she added with a wink and felt her whole body tingle with the sound of Emma’s gentle laughter. 

“Are you sure he’ll be okay with both of us” the other woman asked incredulously.  Regina fought the oncoming eye roll. Horses were breed for more than riding around a small paddock, they would hold two women easily.

“He’s a Moyle dear, not a Shetland pony” Regina retorted and saw instantly Emma didn’t understand the joke. “Fine. Yes he will be fine with both of us” Regina explained kindly.

“Okay” Emma gulped. Though her smile suggested her nerves were minimum she did not want to make the other woman do something she didn’t want to do.

“Really?” Regina asked carefully, trying as hard as she could to not sure the glee at the idea of sharing this with Emma. When she was younger the motions of Rocinante had always cleared her head as the horse galloped. It used to literally knock all thoughts and worries from her mind. While she knew she couldn’t really ride with Emma just yet, the notion of it made her feel slightly giddy. The idea of sharing something she had once held so dear with someone else, with Emma made her feel content.

“Yeah… I trust you” Emma affirmed breathlessly and Regina didn’t even try to fight the beaming smile that took hold of her lips. No more was said as they pull into the small area next to the stables. They parked up easily behind the Charmings’ vehicle. Regina felt a moment of surprise when she felt Emma’s tug upon her arm. It was then she realised Emma was beaming at her too and felt her heart skip a beat.

It was with an agonising  slowness Emma moved forward to claim her lips. It was sweet unexpected kiss, and she couldn’t help put pull Emma in closer. To pour all the support she had been unable to as they had driven. She felt Emma pull away but her calming breath still made her lips tingle as it danced across them. “Thank you” Emma murmured lightly.

“You’re welcome, dear” Regina said as her breath caught in her throat at the look in Emma’s eyes. They seemed to shimmer slightly and she saw the trust Emma had claimed to have in her reflecting back at her. She saw love and understanding. She moved forward slightly feeling Emma’s lips brush against her own again and…

A loud knock made both women within the car jump. Turning Regina saw their son looking frustrated and scowling at them both. It was most defiantly an expression he had inherited from Emma. It was clear he was eager to have his birth mother meeting his horse. It was with a tickle of laughter Emma sighed dramatically pulling away; and exited the car with her purse swinging in her wake. It left Regina to watch her love and son walked arm in arm as she sighed just as deeply as Emma, knowing it wouldn’t last forever, but she was determined to enjoy every moment.


	14. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

 **Author** : Calliope-plantain

 **Rating:**  M

 **Pairing:** Regina/Emma

 **Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

 **Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

 **Author's Note:** Wow how as it been a month since I last updated!? I’ve been busy at a convention, going back to work and getting a new job too. Chapter up until the end will be longer I promise.

 **Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she’s missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)

Meeting Heidi and Oscar had gone well. Emma had listened to Henry’s instructions about feeding them with an opening hand. Regina had entered the stables to Emma’s squeal of “But her nose is so soft”. After that Oscar’s nose was also tested for its softness. Emma had been a little uncertain when that very same nose was nudged against her to see if she also had a mint for him as well. Rocket had given a very wide birth, almost as wide as Emma’s eyes had gone when Charming had rode him passed them all.

She had to bite back a grin at Emma’s wide eyed expression as she had mounted Oscar in one swift movement. She could not fight back the audible chortle however when the steed nudged Emma again. The blonde did not jump the second time but stroked the animal’s nose once more. She nevertheless gave Regina look of mock disgust when Oscar snorted in her direction and received an eye roll in return.

Regina walked the steed out of the stables while Emma helped carry Henry’s equipment. It always felt good to feel the beast’s muscles move beneath her, as the slight breeze danced in her hair. Ever since she was a child and she had first mounted Rocinante being on the back of a horse felt freeing. It felt right. Even on her darkest days as Queen being on the back of such a magnificent animal made the world, her world, make sense; and today was no exception.

She watched as Emma walked across to them in the paddock having dump Henry’s gear near the other mounting block and Charming. Emma’s movements slowed as she got closer to the pair and she eyed the horse as if it was about to attack her. While Regina understood Emma’s hesitance she couldn’t help but smirk at the blonde’s expression, it was as if she was seeing a lion rather than a horse. “You don’t have to do this you know” Regina offered as gentle and empathetic as she could without letting the full humour of the situation into her tone. She couldn’t help but wonder how she and Emma would be acting right now if Emma was well. Would Emma simply have stayed at home or be keeping her mother company by the stable doors? Was Emma doing this because she felt it was something she had to, and Regina was letting her because of it? Riding with Emma was no hardship, and it was something that Regina had wanted to share with her since she’d first mounted Oscar two months ago. However Regina didn’t want Emma to think she had to, not for her.

“Yes I do. I will not having our son call me a chicken” Emma exclaimed actually sounding rather annoyed at their son and Regina was hit by curiosity at what the mother and son had been discussing in the stable.

“Okay” Regina folded easily. Emma often had this effect on her. The Evil Queen had gone soft and most of the time she didn’t find it within herself to care all that much. She had everything she could want, reputation meant very little to her now. She turned the steed so he came to stand next to the mounting block, she watched as Emma stepped on upon it, using Oscar’s shoulder to steady herself. The blond looked determined but the former Queen could still see a trace of trepidation in the green eyes.

“I also want to ride with you” Emma said flashing a toothy smile that melted her heart. She’d be lying if she denied the flutter in her chest and simply smiled back, words escaping her. She had wanted to share riding with Emma and here she was about to do just that. If only everything in life were that easy. There were so many things she wanted to share with the other woman and knew she never would; and so with all her heart she was treasuring every little thing she could. 

“Not that foot” Regina says firmly when she sees Emma lift her right foot. A disgruntled face is all she gets from Emma. All beautiful smiles were gone now, and it was almost just as endearing.  “Lead with your left foot. If you start with your right you’ll have problems when you get up” Regina explained ignoring Emma’s deep sigh and eye roll.

Emma scowled but did as she was told. She would have told Emma to lever herself using the front of the saddle but Regina found it was just as easy to guide her via a firm hand to the blonde’s waist. “Lean forward” Regina instructed as Emma became level with her. Regina was surprised Emma didn’t make a remark about her looking at her backside which was in fact being thrust into her as Emma followed her instructions. “Swing your leg over, over his head” Regina continued resisting the urge to chuckle when Emma’s upper body became flush with her own. Thankfully Oscar had his head lowered so Emma’s boot didn’t clip him as her other leg moved to the other side.

It took Emma a moment to rearrange herself into the saddle and against Regina, only once she was settled did Regina alter the reigns around her. It felt good to have Emma up here, pressed against her front. She felt relaxed and calmed by the warm body pressed against her own. Though from Emma’s stiffened posture she could assume Emma wasn’t as comfortable as she. It was hardly a surprise considering the other woman’s lack of experience on the back of a horse.

“Straighten your back a little” Regina suggested and felt Emma’s immediately follow it. The change in posture might make Emma feel more comfortable once the horse was in motion. She was also sure she heard Emma mutter something under her breath, but the hand that wasn’t still grasping the saddle horn moved to clutch Regina’s thigh felt more secure than the rest of Emma’s body. She would let her love down the second she requested it.

“Ready to move on?” Regina asked directly into the ear in front of her. She had watched Henry mount his steed with no hesitation and could see that he was already being led by Charming. He really had come on leaps and mounds these last few weeks.

“We don’t need to move or get down. I’m good here thanks” Emma exclaimed with a little more bravado than Regina knew she was feeling. She couldn’t help but shake her head slightly as she chuckled at other woman’s expense. She really was as stubborn and hard-headed as Regina had always known her to be; and she wouldn’t have Emma any other way.

“Do you want me to let you down?” Regina asked maintaining her grip on the other woman’s waist so if in the event Emma decided enough was enough and tried to flee she wouldn’t take Regina and poor animal down with her, and so she did not fall and hurt herself in the process.

“No. I want to ride I’m just….not all that comfortable” Emma said staggeringly as she once again altered herself against the leather with a small jiggle. It was with an aspirated sigh Emma leant back against her, still feeling as stiff as ever.

“Ready?” Regina asked biting back a grin at Emma’s clear annoyance at herself for not being a natural at something that was so foreign to her. Of course it all felt strange and uncomfortable. It had taken Regina years to master herself on the back of horse, and even then skilled riders like herself had accidents.

“Fine” Emma huffed slightly, leaning her head back against Regina’s shoulder.

“Don’t sound too enthused dear” Regina quipped and felt Emma’s chuckle rather than heard it. She also felt Emma’s head turn slightly so her breath danced across the column of her throat. It was as if Emma was using her to shield her against any disaster that might occur, knowing Regina would protect her no matter what. The gesture made Regina’s grip on Emma’s waist tighten ever so slightly as she gently squeezing her calves she felt the horse beneath her move straight into a walk. Despite the slowness of the horse’s movements she felt Emma tense against her. Though the tension within the blonde’s body seemed to ebb within a few seconds. The experience was clearly not as bad as she had feared. Regina as she had mounted had briefly considered showing Emma Oscar’s trot but had long decided it was something to save for another day. Despite Emma’s now more relaxed state she knew it was the right decision.

Regina easily let the beast beneath her walk and got him to turn effortlessly. Emma it seemed had decided she wasn’t in any harm, and turned to face the front again, though it was now the back of her head that rested against Regina’s shoulder. It felt…nice and easy. It almost felt as if it was just them and the world didn’t matter. Regina logged in the back of her mind for future riding lessons and trips. If things got too stressful as she knew they undoubtedly would in the upcoming months, being on the back of Oscar helped immensely. Even Emma seemed to have melted perfectly into her frame, though Regina managed just in time to fight back the smirk at knowing Emma might regret being so relaxed upon the back of the horse tomorrow.

“I can’t believe you all used to do this” Emma said pulling Regina out of her musings maybe Emma was more uncomfortable than she thought.

“It was one of the only modes of transport” Regina replied softly and felt Emma’s body shudder with a chuckle as they passed Charming giving Henry what sounded like instructions about how to hold the reigns properly.

“I’ll stick with the Bug” the former Sheriff continued her tone still flickering with humour.

“It’s not that bad” Regina retorted incredulously. 

“No it’s not” Emma replied her tone still full of mirth. “But can’t help but wonder how you used to do this in a dress” added quietly so only she could hear the words as Henry rode his steed towards them.

Regina didn’t even bother holding back her laugh and it felt good to feel it vibrate through her chest. “Practice” Regina replied simply. “And skill” she added firmly through her tone was still one of jest, still amazed by the ease of their interaction. It was as if nothing had changed, and all for the better.

“Hmmmm” Emma said though her air wasn’t one of mocking. In fact the squeeze of the saviour’s hand on her thigh seemed almost suggestive. Who knew the idea of Regina riding was such a turn on to the other woman…on second thought she knew that already.

Henry pulled up alongside them. “What takes skill?” the teen asked. Regina watched as he held the reigns and just as easily as she guided his horse around the upcoming bend. She was impressed at how easily the young boy had taken to riding, and at how easily he followed his mother’s and grandfather’s teachings.

“Riding in a dress” Emma answered simply and she saw Henry grin. The very grin that Emma often gave when she was up to something.

“There is no way you could ride in a dress Ma” Henry quipped followed by a smirk. Regina felt the slight pang in her chest at Henry’s ease in using the word “Ma”. It wasn’t one he had used during Emma’s time away, and it almost hurt that she hadn’t realised it. Maybe Emma’s absence hadn’t left him as unaffected as she thought or he made out. Though Regina at times had almost banned him from saying Emma’s name so why would he feel he could call her “Ma”? Despite the slither of guilt that fell upon the former Mayor even she heard the almost challenge in their son’s voice, a challenge she did not like very much. Emma on the other hand much to Regina’s relief did not take the challenge but instead stuck her tongue out at the teenage boy. “Though it would be rather funny to see you ride in that dress you wore in Boston” Henry continued with a quip.

“Whatever kid” Emma retorted back with a burst of laughter that sounded a little too full of mirth to be completely genuine. The notion was only confirmed by the grip upon Regina’s thigh tightened almost painfully so. Emma did not want to show weakness in front of their son, and Regina would allow it. Both mothers watched their son roll his eyes as Charming’s booming voice called him over. If Regina was in the mood she would scold Henry for being so rude to his Grandfather even if the other man couldn’t see it. As it was she simply let the teen lead his steed away unharmed.

“What dress from Boston?” Regina asked directly into the ear almost pressed against her lips, delighting in the slight shiver the action causes in her riding mate.

“The night Henry came to get me I was wearing this pink dress. I was on a job…” Emma explained leaning back even further into Regina’s frame.

“Why have I never seen this dress?” the former Queen interrupted trying to sound slightly intimating, though she suspected the hand pressed securely against Emma’s abdomen lessened the effect somewhat. There were several things about their relationship that hadn’t changed even by getting together. They were still the only person in the town that could stand up to the other, meaning their arguments were often heated and passionate. Only now instead of quips and magical duels their conflicts were often solved between the sheets and ended in sleepy kisses. Something else that had never changed over the course of their relationship was Emma’s inability to be effected by the “Evil Queen” persona, and as such often didn’t feel intimated by it.

“Just never worn it” Emma replied nonchalantly. Some things really do not change, and Regina wouldn’t have it any other way. Certainly not Emma and the way she viewed the former Queen.

“Can I see it on you sometime?” Regina asked softly, resting her chin upon Emma’s shoulder. She felt the ghost of a smile lick at her lips as she felt Emma’s hand that had been previously melded to the saddle horn come to rest upon hers against the blonde’s stomach. The upturn in her lips turned into a full beam as she felt Emma’s fingers entwine with her own. Regina fought back the quip that maybe this riding thing wasn’t so bad after all. She was just happy to have Emma in her arms.

“Sure…not sure it will fit but yeah” Emma’s responded and it felt as if Regina had been kicked in the stomach. The air around them seemed to thicken making it nearly impossible for the former Mayor to breathe. Of course the dress wouldn’t Emma anymore; the younger woman had lost so much weight since that night three years ago. She’d lost so much in the last few months, and yet was still her Emma more than ever.

“Good” Regina breathed faintly, the sensation of lead weighing her down to impossible depths almost crushing her into nothing. She could feel her heart drumming at a near impossible rate against her ribcage as if it was trying to escape her chest. Emma on the other hand merely snuggled in tighter unaware of Regina’s inner struggles. Why did things have to feel so right…so normal? If she had something to fight, something to work on she’d feel better. She wouldn’t feel unable to help her partner… so completely and utterly pointless. All she could do was hold on a little tighter and wish for a miracle. That could happen right?

“You just like me in a dress” the snug blonde retorted and Regina couldn’t help but place a kiss upon the hair being burrowed into her face. She deeply inhaled the smell of her own shampoo mixed with the scent uniquely Emma, willing her heart and anxiety to calm. She needed to be strong for her son and lover, neither would benefit if she lost her nerve and broke down.

“I think you’ll find I prefer you out of them” Regina countered in a weakened version of the same suggestive manner Emma had adopted before their son had interrupted. She didn’t even try to fight the small smile that took hold of her lips as she felt Emma shiver at her words. Regina could feel the conflict within her gut. The need to feel useful and to grieve what was coming but also the necessity to just make Emma laugh and to enjoy the time they had left. Maybe that was what Emma needed of her. She needed Regina to be happy with her and to make her laugh. To revel in the enchanting way the blonde giggled and make sure that every day they had left together she heard that noise. That was her mission now, but she knew at times they’d both need time to be upset. Upset over what could have been and would never come to pass.

“Good to know” Emma whispered quietly as they walked passed Henry and Charming once more, neither however looked up for their current task to notice the two women.

“You’ve never told me about that night” Regina said watching her son nearly hitting his grandfather in the face with the reins in his hands.

“What night?” Emma replied sounding clearly confused. Regina swallowed back the urge to ask if Emma had forgotten their previous conversation. It was difficult for her to consider the blonde’s inability to retain certain things with the possibility that anything could be forgotten…she couldn’t even fathom how terrifying and upsetting it must be for the sick woman in her arms.

“The night Henry came to get you from Boston” the former Queen supplied cautiously.

“I told you about it _that_ night Regina” Emma remarked disbelievingly.

“No you told Madame Mayor the woman who adopted your son” Regina explained softly and felt Emma’s chuckle vibrate through her chest and warming her heart instantly.

“You are aware you are “Madame Mayor the woman who adopted my son” right?” the other woman countered with a tone laced with sarcasm. Emma moved her head possibly to be able to see Regina’s face but their position made it impossible. 

Regina’s only retort was an eye roll that she realised too late that Emma couldn’t see. “Yes but I’m also now your partner. Are you telling me I know everything that happened that night and what was going on in your head?” the brunette bite back, though she ensured her tone was nothing but loving. Knowing Emma as she did now, she could only imagine how Emma had felt that night. She could practical visualise the look on her face when Henry introduced himself. As it all had worked out for the better she was sure Emma could laugh about it now, but she knew even if Emma had never shared it with her, that the blonde had probably been terrified.

“God no…I don’t even think I know what was going on in my head that night” Emma said with a rush that ended with a bark of laughter and a shake her head causing her hair to impede momentarily with Regina’s vision.

“See…” Regina replied all too smugly as she blew the hair from her face. Despite Emma’s invincibility against her alternative persona, Regina did still like to win sometimes. 

“Okay you have a point, and yes I will tell you. But can you please let me down” Emma said her speech even quicker than her previous words. All feelings of smugness was wiped from Regina system as she felt worry flood through her veins and bitterness corrupt her mouth.  

“Of course…Are you okay?” Regina asked trying to keep her voice as steady as possible as she guided them over to the mounting block as not to cause alarm to either Charming or Henry who were only a few hundred yards away.

“Yep just want to get down before I throw up” Emma replied trying, and failing to make the situation sound mundane and boring as possible. Regina would never be able to forget Emma’s morning vomiting sessions before she left. She would never forget the days she woke to the sounds of the blonde retching behind their bathroom door or Emma’s sobbing in her arms as she fought the urge to bring up the only thing left in her stomach…Bile. Emma’s throw away remark and tone do nothing but increase the feeling of worry in the pit of her stomach.

Emma barely waits until Oscar is stationed next to the mounting box before she attempts to flee the steed’s back. “Basically do what you did mounting him, but in reverse” Regina says as fast as she can as Emma’s leg swung back across the horse’s neck. Once again she was thankful the blonde didn’t clip the animal in her hasty attempt to dismount. She held Emma’s waist once more as she slid from the saddle a little messily.

“The Bug doesn’t give you motion sickness” Emma said with a slight jest to her voice as her boots touched the ground, though the colour had all but drained from the blonde’s already pale face.

 “Are you okay?” Regina asked, leaning down so she was closer to Emma’s height and so Henry wouldn’t hear their conversation. She however heard Charming speaking slightly louder than was necessary and couldn’t help but wonder if the man was aware of what was happening. Even if he didn’t she was thankful he was there to be a welcome distraction to their teen son.

“Yeah just going to go and sit with Mom while you finish up” Emma replied with a wave of her hand. Even Regina could see the blonde was not as carefree as she was making out, as the other woman stood slightly bent at the waist. The lesson had at least thirty minutes left though Regina knew if it was needed they could cut the lesson short.

“Okay” Regina asked making the horse move once again and trot across to their son and his grandfather making sure not to look back at the sickly woman. If she did she wouldn’t be able to leave her side, and she wished more than anything that she did not need her to. Henry needed her. Emma needed her, and so she would play her part to a tee.

However she couldn’t fully concentrate on the lesson. Thankfully it seemed Charming had noticed her lapse in attention because he was leading the session, Regina simply had to keep up and offer tips when necessary. Her lack of attentiveness was a result of her inability to keep her watchful eye away from Emma. She had watched as Snow had greeted her daughter with slight surprise at being joined. She had watched as the two women discussed something, Emma seemed to be more animated than Snow. The older woman simply nodded and interjected when she deemed appropriate. Regina couldn’t help but wonder if the last few months’ of phone calls had been like this. Or maybe Emma was making up for lost time now she was finally able to talk to her mother openly.

Regina’s attention from the huddled women was pulled away when Henry nearly slipped from Heidi’s back. Thankfully he had taken action and remained seated using the techniques she and Charming had shared with him. It wasn’t the first time the young teen had fallen off, but it was the first time he’d been able to remain on the horse once he’d been unseated. By the time Regina looked back across towards the stable door Snow had vacated her spot, leaving Emma to sit on the ground writing in what looked to be her diary. Regina understood the blonde’s need to remember things but if she spent all her time writing it all down she’d miss everything she was trying so hard not to forget.

Snow didn’t return until the riding trio had dismounted and led their horses passed Emma into the stables. Regina noted that the former Sheriff did not follow them in, but waited until the horses were back in their stalls. Looking across she saw Emma leaning against the doorframe of the nearest entrance, she watched as a small smile flickered across her face but did not quite reach her eyes.

As the family made their way to their cars Regina had two surprises thrust upon her. The first was their son bounding his way towards the bug clearly wanting to ride with them not his grandparents and the second, which surprised her even more, was Emma shoving the car’s keys into her hand. Due to Henry’s close proximity all Regina could do was shoot Emma an inquisitive look and saw moist green eyes looking back at her.

“I can’t! I’m sorry” Emma flustered with a low hiss clearly trying to not gain Henry’s attention as they drew nearer to the boy leaning against the yellow car. Regina had never driven the bug before, she had no need to but Emma had never allowed it anyway. The younger woman seemed to think the antique vehicle maybe in danger with Regina in charge. She wasn’t overly fond of the brightly coloured car but she certainly didn’t want to inflict damage upon it.

Regina let her gaze dash across Emma’s face searching for a reason the other woman was giving up one of her most prized possessions when she had never before. Seeing none she felt the rush of bewilderment rise even further however she simply nodded. With all her being she fought the urge to ask the blonde what was wrong and ignore her son’s look of confusion when she climbed into the driver’s seat instead of his birthmother. 

Regina easily followed the Charmings through the smaller winding roads towards the coast. Henry was talking nonstop about riding and how he was going to make a huge sand castle with a moat that may or not may reach from the sea. She let the boy’s tones wash over her, while Emma’s silence felt as if it could crush the driving trio at any given moment. Henry didn’t seem to notice Emma’s absence from the conversation as the blonde stared almost unseeingly so out of the window. The thick tension that was rolling from the woman’s small frame did nothing to ease Regina’s worries, it in fact intensified them tenfold making the ever present butterflies in her stomach flutter sickeningly so.

It was only when they pulled up behind David’s car that Emma moved at all. The blonde got out of the car to allow Henry to clamber passed her from the back and then he was off with a sprint towards his grandparents. Regina couldn’t help the familiar rush of pride when her teenage son took one of the bags carrying their supplies from Mary Margaret. Emma was still stood with her hands clutching her door also watching the scene unfold in front of her. It was so mundane. So ordinary but she like Emma felt the joy and pain of it. The joy of having it, witnessing it; and the pain of knowing it won’t last.

Climbing out of the car and locking the door behind her, Regina made her way to Emma’s side. Regina felt the other woman jump as placed a hand on Emma’s shoulder but she didn’t turn to face her. Thankfully Henry didn’t look back as he and his grandfather race around the corner but Snow did. It was with a look of polite confusion she waved them over to her. Regina couldn’t speak, all she could feel were Emma’s muscle tightened against her hand on her lower back. The older brunette simply held on finger up, indicating the need for a minute alone and was thankful when the pixie haired woman nodded and followed her husband and grandson out of sight.

The blonde’s hands were deathly white from the grip she had upon the top of the car door. In fact Regina was surprised the metal hadn’t altered its shape beneath the force of it. Regina swallowed gently before whispering the blonde’s name as gently as she could as to not startle Emma again. What she did not expect was the other woman to spin on the spot and engulf her entirely. Emma’s form melded so completely against her own she struggled to know where she finished and Emma begun. Despite the public nature of their relationship Regina found it difficult at times when Emma instigated public displays of affection. All cares of what an outsider may think were gone the second she felt Emma’s arms surround her tightly.

“Thank you” Emma breathed against her ear making the former Queen shiver, but her own grip upon the other woman only tightened. Regina felt Emma move, only to rest her forehead against the older woman’s shoulder. “My head just _hurts_ ” Emma’s slight whine was muffled against her flesh but was heard with painful clarity. It wasn’t just the urge to vomit Emma had been dealing with.

Regina lifted a hand to the back of Emma’s head, feeling the woman shiver when her fingers wove their way through the shortened tresses. She’d stand here as long as Emma needed her to. “We don’t need to do this today” Regina whispered into the mess of blonde hair near her mouth and couldn’t help the rush of guilt at the realisation on some level she meant telling their son about Emma’s condition as well. She however had no time to swell on it as was nearly nutted in the face by Emma’s rebounding head as it was lifted swiftly.

“Yes we do. I’m not letting him down Regina!” Emma all but rushed her tone was thick with anguish that hurt Regina’s heart to listen to it. She felt the pain so deep within that it was almost suffocating, because she, Regina had said the very same thing. The former Queen before she knew of Emma’s fate had accused Emma of letting their son down. Of course Emma believed it. Regina could feel Emma’s heart beating against her front, trying to out beat its twin within the brunette’s chest.

“Emma you’re not” Regina breathed, trying to swallow the lump in her throat that was threatening to overcome her. She watched as a single tears rolled down the blonde’s cheek. Regina’s heart seemed to swell in her chest. It felt tight and restricted as it struggled to keep beating under the pain she saw reflected in her lover’s face.

“I can’t even drive for five minutes without worrying my next migraine is going to cause me to plough into oncoming traffic endangering my family” Emma explained frantically as more tears fell and her pitch and tone heightened almost inaudibly so.

“That’s why you wanted me to drive” Regina replied easily wiping away the hot tears that fell from the jade eyes. It stung to watch Emma’s turn her face towards Regina’s hand, and the brunette effortlessly cupped the damp cheeks with both hands. Emma’s slightly sheepish look was answer enough, only confirmed by the small nod that followed. As each new tear fell the former Queen wiped them away with a sweep of her thumb; the brunette fought against her own tears. She refused to cry again, not when Emma needed her to be strong for her. She would be Emma’s knight in shining armour as Henry would say.

“It was stupid to bring the bug, you should have driven” Emma brokenly continued once more, only she didn’t let her eyes reach Regina’s gaze. As their bodies were still pressed together she felt Emma’s shiver, only this one was not of pleasure but grief.

“Emma” Regina said delicately and felt Emma’s huff against her face. The brunette realised she wasn’t going to get another response and tilted the jaw her hands upwards, making it impossible for the blonde too look anywhere else but at her. “We’re fine” she said deliberately staring Emma right in the eye, almost daring her to disagree with her. In true Emma Swan fashion of course she did.

“Yeah because you drove. What if something had happened?” Emma whined with a wave of her hand that clipped Regina’s shoulder due to their proximity. She chose to ignore it.

It didn’t” the brunette she countered clearly and saw Emma’s mouth opening in argument before she’d even finished her two word reply.

“It could have!” Emma said her voice louder than it had previously been. Regina bit her lip in order to stop her immediate retort because Emma needed something that was thought out. There was little Regina could say to make the other woman feel better. Nothing had gone wrong! Emma had known something might have and had trusted her enough to confine in her and share the burden. She had allowed Regina to help her in the way she needed. That alone amazed the other woman.

Regina saw Emma’s mouth open to continue what would undoubtedly be an incoherent rant and without thinking she seized it. The other woman’s argument was immediately muffled and almost as instantly silenced. She felt Emma’s lips meld and move with her own as she used the hands cupping Emma’s face to pull her in closer. The kiss was not urgent or rushed. Regina could feel Emma’s hand resting over her heart and felt it clench at the tender action.

Pulling away she allowed her forehead to rest against Emma, enjoying the other woman’s boots giving Emma a slight height advantage. As she opened her eyes, Regina could feel Emma’s breath tickling her face and wanted more than anything for the saviour to open her eyes. She couldn’t however break the look of calm upon the other woman’s face for anything.

“You’re safe and so are we. I promise you” Regina breathed and felt her heart skip a beat as Emma opened her eyes. She could see the fight within the eyes looking at her. The fight to just give up, the fight to run but also the fight to believe her. To keep going, and maybe she’d succeed. “If need be I’ll drive us places and you and Henry can play those annoying car games you love so much” the brunette continued with a heavy sigh but knew her beaming grin was even bigger than the one she saw form in slow motion on Emma’s face.

“We’re okay” Regina stated more firmly this time and felt Emma nod as if she believed every word that came out of her mouth. Regina wasn’t even sure if she believed it but she knew if she had Emma by her side she could survive anything. “Come on” Regina said letting her hand fall to take her love’s hand in her own and pulled her away from the car and to slam the door behind her. “We better go save your mother before David and Henry try and bury her” she said jestingly and felt her heart skip at the gently chuckle from the woman gripping her hand so tightly.


	15. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

 **Author** : Calliope-plantain

 **Rating:**  M

 **Pairing:** Regina/Emma

 **Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

 **Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

 **Author's Note:** So the finale … how are you all doing? As for this fic we’re on the home stretch now guys.

 **Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she’s missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)

An hour later found Snow and Charming fighting over where they would line their defence inside and out of the slowly forming sand castle about twenty feet from where Emma and Regina were laid upon a blanket. It really surprised Regina that it had taken her so long to get passed their defences in their land. Emma it seemed had brightened up considerably upon seeing their son carrying multiple buckets of sea water towards their chosen spot only to fall over a small sand dune and covering Snow in the water. Even Charming joined Regina as she allowed herself to laugh openly at the shriek of horror and fright, her former stepdaughter let out at her unexpected shower. Emma had also found Pongo peering over the wall above them rather funny. Regina had chuckled as the Dalmatian looked down at them all and more so when it was with an evil looking glare, the dog eyed up Henry’s castle. The teen had not taken well to the possibility that the large dog might jump upon it, ruining his hard work. Thankfully they all heard Archie’s voice from the distance calling the canine away from his mischievous plans to take down the sand fort.

Emma’s smile was contagious and mirrored by the other adults around her. It was a smile Regina felt tighten painfully across her face when Emma moved to get a better view of their son and his bickering grandparents by resting her head against Regina’s chest. She felt the familiar pang of apprehension when Snow looked over at them after hearing a rather large bark of Emma’s laughter at something Henry had said. Only the look of disapproving never came. Not even a flicker of judgment graced the other fair woman’s face, only a small saddened smile. It only deepened when her eyes rose to Regina’s and she realised with a shock of comprehension she saw guilt etched upon Snow’s face. Guilt and shame at what had been missed, lost and all things said and done.

For the first time in almost two years she saw acceptance in the other woman’s eyes. Snow had had little choice in her acceptance of Regina in their lives because of Henry. The pixie haired woman however had fought tooth and nail over their relationship, making it abundantly clear of her disapproval in Emma’s choice of partner. However seeing Snow looking back at her Regina couldn’t help but wonder if this was the first time Snow had really saw _them_. Allowed herself to see what they were like together. Not The Evil Queen with her little girl but her daughter laughing with the woman she loved, with the person that made her truly happy.

“That is so not true” Henry exclaimed loudly pulling both brunette’s from their silent conversation. Emma’s chin was now resting upon her forearm which she had taken the luxury of lying across Regina shoulder and upper chest. Not that she minded in the slightest.

“It _so_ is” Emma retorted back with as much vigour as their son. As Emma lifted her head from Regina’s chest, the older woman could see the sparkle glistening in the blonde’s eyes. The sparkle Regina hadn’t seen in over five months. Regina risked a glance over at her former stepdaughter and was glad to see Snow looked as confused as Regina felt.

“No it’s not” Charming supplied with a hearty chuckle to which Emma simply sat with her mouth open in disbelief. It was clear Regina and Snow had missed some sort of dispute between their children and partners. In fact from the look of annoyance on Emma’s face, Regina was surprised the young woman wasn’t sat with her arms cross in a sulk.

“Fine” Emma said with an air that clearly stated she still thought was correct. Henry simply snorted clearly finding his mother’s refusal to see what he did as truth as humorous while Charming looked at his daughter with the exact same expression Emma had just been giving him. It was however almost in slow motion Regina watched Charming pick up the nearest bucket and throw its contents in Emma’s direction.

The bucket was by no means full however the water inside covered Emma and by doing so Regina as well. Regina couldn’t help but realise Emma’s shriek was much like her mother’s merely an hour ago. As Emma had been sitting up however she had faced, quite literally, the brunt of the attack while Regina was merely splashed. Everyone even Henry had their mouth open in shock. By the look on Charming’s face it was a move he hadn’t considered before carrying out.

“You’re so dead” Emma stated with a forceful stand, clearly unaware of the impact of her words on the two other women present. Regina watched Snow’s pale face lighten even further as Regina felt her stomach plummet. “Soaking The Saviour and Evil Queen…You’re dead” Emma continues with mirth in her voice as she stepped over Regina towards her father. The look of surprise and possibly a dash of fear on Charming’s face would normally give Regina a reason to laugh as her partner descended upon her father. Expect all she can feel was her stomach fastening in knots as Emma repeats the words “You’re dead”. Words that under any other circumstance, any other day would mean nothing. Would be just a throw away phrase. Except they meant everything.

“I didn’t mean…argh” Charming said trying and failing to explain his actions before Emma all but tackled him. The man was forced backwards by his daughter and it was soft sand thankfully his head came in contact with. The fight continued almost silently apart from the grappling pair’s occasional grunt and gasp as both fought for the upper hand. Several handfuls of sand were thrown at and scrubbed on the other’s body.

Henry on the other hand was sat with a large grin upon his face until one of Charming’s feet looked as if it was about to endanger his sandcastle. It was then the young teen jumped up and came to his birthmother’s aid and held one of his grandfather’s hands down. It earned him a look of absolute betrayal from the losing man.

Regina couldn’t even fight nor hide her amusement at the father and daughter pair and now her son joining the fray. However it was with a bittersweet chuckle she couldn’t stop the thoughts. She supposed those would never leave her train of thought now, even after Emma was gone. Why did everything have to start coming together when everything was falling apart? Why did Emma have to start making the relationships with her parents she had always wanted just before her time was up? How could the universe be so cruel as to give her a glimpse of what she could have had, only to rip it away? Glancing over she saw Snow snapping away on Henry’s camera, committing the now almost wrestling trio to more than their memory but to film as well.

* * *

 

It was shortly after the sand wrestling that lunch was dished out. Regina watched as Emma’s eyes widened at the size of the chicken sandwich she was passed by Snow. Each sandwich was as large however and the additional pies and sweet products from Granny’s were not needed. Regina ate her sandwich with one eye on her younger partner who was clearly struggling with such a large feat. It was clear that Emma hadn’t told Snow about her difficulty with eating in general never mind large portions. As Regina munched her way through her meal she couldn’t help the familiar rush of annoyance at the pixie haired woman. Could she not have used her intellect and just seen the amount of weight Emma had lost over the recent months and realise it was largely caused by lack of appetite. She also felt a sickening pleasure at the realisation that she knew something about Emma’s time away that Snow did not.

Regina watched as Emma reached for the container the sandwiches had been previously housed in and saw Snow’s look of confusion. The former Queen begged anyone who was listening for the other brunette not to ask what Emma was doing, and was thankful when she did not. However clearly sensing people’s gaze upon her the blonde looked up. There was a moment when Emma froze and both for Emma and Henry’s sake she hoped Snow wouldn’t make a fuss. It was Emma however who spoke first. “I’m saving it for later. Regina made me a big breakfast with pancakes so I’ll just finish it later” Emma rambled and was thankful to see Snow nodding and accepting the answer.

The breakfast wasn’t large, it was possibly larger than what she was used to normally but it was by no means big. Regina hadn’t even considered what the breakfast might have meant when she made it. She had simply made the normal amount she would have done if Emma was well, and Emma had eaten them. Maybe that was for the best, to act if things were normal. Though maybe not if the result was chicken and salad sandwiches the size of a brick.

“You had pancakes!” Henry exclaimed and Regina openly smirked at the teen’s reaction. She was also thankful for the distraction, as it seemed was Emma as her half sandwich was put back in the box without further scrutiny.

“Yeah they were all warm and covered in maple syrup” Emma explained excitedly, clearly over acting as she licked her lips as if the syrup had just been eaten.

“Moooom!” Henry moaned in her direction. Both the Charmings laughed at the young boy’s reaction. It was with a slight shake of the head Regina managed to school her expression.

“Yes dear?” Regina asked politely, internally scolding herself for the hint of hilarity to her voice. Henry was looking at her with the big puppy eyes. Eyes she had been able to resist until Emma Swan started using them against her too. Two sets were much harder to battle than one. Thankfully Emma looked highly entertained.

“Can we have some for breakfast tomorrow?” Henry asked with a grin. The question threw Regina off kilter and it most certainly wasn’t the response she had been expecting.

“Of course” Regina gave in easily and then saw both her son and partner’s smile brighten. So easily pleased … and Regina wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Mom?” Henry asked slightly hesitantly but she could still see his large puppy eyes looking over at her.

“Yes Henry?” she asked once again, not hiding her mirth this time. She was simply glad to see the worry that had flickered upon Emma’s face when she was caught putting her food back was gone.

“Can we have some ice cream?” Henry asked carefully with a vague point up the beach. It was clear he wanted to know much he could get away with, just as he did when he was a child. Testing her limits. “Please?” the boy added and she saw Emma’s silent laugh as Henry seemed to almost flutter his eyelashes at her.

“Okay” she replied simply. Getting up now that Emma was no longer laid on top of her was pretty easy and yet she still felt Emma’s hand on the base of her back nonetheless. She was surprised to see Snow also getting to her feet as Henry used his grandfather to hoist himself upright.

“Tub of vanilla?” Snow shot to her husband and received a small nod in response.

Regina turned to see what Emma wanted and saw her smiling back at her, and was momentarily blindsided by it. “Same” Emma answered the unspoken question. Or had she asked it out loud. It was with a nod the two women and teenager started up the bank above them.

Once they had walked around the wall Pongo had been using as his advantage point, Henry ran across to where Emma and Charming were on the other side. For a terrifying moment Regina had this image of Henry driving off onto an unexpecting Emma or Charming. It wasn’t a large drop but the boy could hurt him or one of those below if they weren’t aware of what he was going to do. Both Regina and Snow chuckled audible however when they heard Henry call “Guard the castle”. The reply was unheard from their distance away but clearly his mother and grandfather must have promised to guard it because the boy came back running past them and ran out of sight.

Snow had insisted upon buying the ice creams.  All the family were bought plain vanilla tubs while Emma and Henry gotten chocolate toppings. Snow hadn’t even paid before Henry started tucking into his with relish; it was almost as if he hadn’t eaten one of Snow sandwiches, and one of Granny’s bear claws. Walking back Henry and Snow were distracted by Grumpy and Nova, Regina wanting to ensure Emma’s iced treat didn’t melt simply stated she was going back. Once she reached the wall she briefly considered passing Emma’s ice cream down to her, but decided better of it as it could be dropped and ruined. It took a moment for the former Queen to realise however she could hear the duo’s voices.

“I know” Charming said softly, almost too softly for Regina to hear. She knew she shouldn’t be listening but there was something in Charming’s voice which told her she couldn’t interrupt either. Should she go back and stand with Snow and Henry as they talk to the dwarf and fairy?

“What?” Emma asked somewhat harshly and Regina couldn’t help but wonder what had been said before to make Emma talk to her father in such a way.

“I saw it in your eyes back at the apartment. You thought you’d forgotten about Henry’s lessons” the former shepherd explained calming. The tone of it, the stillness in the words made Regina feel sick. Was the man right? Had Emma thought that? Was it that and not the fear of horses had Emma looking so taken aback by the idea of horse riding.

“I…” Emma stammered and the sound of uncertainly made the former Mayor’s stomach almost lurch.

“Regina noticed it too” Charming continued as if Emma hadn’t spoken. Perhaps it was for the best as the blonde couldn’t seem to speak. Charming was right. She had noticed the shift in Emma’s demeanour and had wondering if there was more than what Emma had let on, but she hadn’t expected that.

“She did?” Emma asked her tone still full of uncertainly. Regina had questioned everything that had happened before Emma left, every conversation had, all words left unsaid. She had questioned every fight, every door slammed, and every deafening silence as they had lain in bed together and yet the world seemed to span between them. She knew what to look for now, knew the warning signs. Of course she noticed.

“Yes. I don’t know if she realised what was going on in your head but she noticed. You can’t keep shutting her out” Charming explained and Regina felt the tears pricking at her eyes. Charming had never openly questioned Emma’s choice in her relationship with Regina. He for the most part had been accepting, no more or less than a concerned father. She didn’t know of course what was said behind closed doors but to Regina and the town he had shown nothing but support. Right now she was getting a front row seat to a conversation she wasn’t meant to be listening to, and she could feel the emotion almost choking her, freezing her in her place.

“I’m not. Believe me she knows more than I wish she did…” Emma explained and Regina could hear the other woman’s own emotions getting the better of her. She hoped Charming was offering support to his daughter. Often Emma needed a simple touch when she got upset. A simple touch to make or break her, but it was often for the better regardless of the reaction. Emma held things in until a mere touch was enough to shatter her into a million pieces, only this time Regina couldn’t pick  up the fragments without them knowing she was listening. “Than…than she has to, you know?” Emma continued and Regina wasn’t sure if she’d actually heard the young woman speak the words or simply imagined them.

“I know you wanted to protect her” Charming said his voice carrying clearly the several feet above him. Emma didn’t reply to her father’s words. She did not confirm nor deny his claim; because they both knew as did Regina that he was right.  Emma had been trying to protect her. Regina knew that now. She had cursed Emma’s ability to help and save those around her, only to run at the first sign of trouble when it came to her own family. Only she hadn’t run out of cowardice, not in the way Regina had believed. Not that Regina believed what Emma had done was cowardly. She’d run because she believed it would save Regina and Henry in the long run. Would shelter them from what was to come.

“I remember what it’s like…” Charming stated and Regina wasn’t surprised when Emma didn’t ask him to continue or elaborate because even she had no idea what he was talking about. She can almost picture Emma sitting with her arms crossed trying to block her father out.

“To not remember. To have these connections with people that you can feel but don’t remember” Charming continued as if it’s unimportant that his daughter didn’t ask him what he meant. The man could see Emma, could gage her reaction. Maybe the emotions had simply gotten too much. It was with a chill she should not feel on a warm summer’s day that Regina realised Charming was talking about his time after he awoke from his coma.

“I’ve never forgotten Regina” Emma snapped and Regina could almost sense the man she could not see jump at the tone. It was with a much calmer and sadder voice Emma continued. “At times I forgot what we were doing. Or I’d _wake_ up in the middle of an argument and not remember what it was about” the other woman spoke her voice getting steadily louder but shook from the emotion behind the words. That was the worst part for Regina. Before she knew what was causing it all that is. The not knowing. Waking beside Emma and not knowing how she was going to be. Having Emma come home from work and not knowing if she was going to be loving or angry, avoidant or hateful. She had never been able to predict which Emma she was going to be and had found herself just trying to catch up.

“I’d feel the anger surging through me and not have a clue why” Emma continued but Regina heard the slight sob in the blonde’s voice and felt the tubs of ice cream bend as her hands tightened around them. For Regina the worst “Emma” after hateful, was remorseful. She had on so many occasions just stopped fighting mid argument. Regina could see the look of terror she had worn upon her face at times after one of them had said something they shouldn’t. She could see it and had almost hated Emma for it because as soon as that look had appeared upon her face the other woman would start apologising. Only Regina had still had the anger or hurt pulsing through her veins, usually far too strong to forgive Emma for what she’d said or done. Not yet. This was why; because Emma hadn’t known. Not only did she have no control over some of the things she’d said during those months but she couldn’t remember them either. Maybe that was a blessing.

“The hardest part was…” Emma’s voice cracked but did not break. Not that it matter it still shattered Regina’s heart and caused pain to shoot to her very soul. “Was “coming around” and seeing her. She’d look so angry and hurt…and it was my fault. I’d said something or done something and _hurt_ her. I love her I’m not meant to hurt her” her love continued mournfully and felt as if someone had rammed a sword through Regina’s chest and twisted. Regina could see in her mind’s eye the crumpled face of the broken woman she had held in her arms as she cried late into the night. The silence that followed Emma’s admission was thunderous. No words of reassurance fell from Charming’s lips. All Regina could hear was her own laboured breathing. Emma had done and said some awful things, but it wasn’t her fault. “Damn it Charming tell her that!” the former Queen repeated internally except it seemed her silent plea went unnoticed as the man remained silent.

“I pushed her away because the damage I was doing to her…to Henry was much worse than me leaving ever could. At least that’s what I thought” Emma explained her voice dropping dangerously low and Regina felt herself pressing her body into the wall in an attempt to hear what was said next.

“You don’t now?” Charming asked carefully and she heard Emma’s loud sigh and was reminded of the same argument Emma and she had had the previous evening. An argument which had ended and started with many tears and Emma admitting she should have never left at all. Regina supposed she would find out if it was simply exhaustion and emotions which had led Emma to make the confession.

“She says she could have held my hand but it should have been me holding hers” Emma explained and Regina could visualise Emma biting her bottom lip and probably look at anywhere but her father and wanted nothing more to hold her love close to her.

“Or holding each other’s” Charming suggested with a tone of faint jest. When she heard Emma’s small huff of a laugh she knew it had had the desired effect and felt her heart warm at the man’s words. Charming was right.

“I shouldn’t have left her or Henry. Just trying to protect the ones you love from being hurt... when it’s you that’s doing it and you don’t even remember. To see the pain you caused reflecting back at you…” Emma replied sadly, almost in a rush as if her own brain couldn’t comprehend everything she was saying but wanted to get it out all in one go. For the first time Regina felt her tears break the barrier and fall down her face at the lost tone of her partner.

“Sounds difficult” Charming soothed and Regina fought the urge to laugh humourlessly because the man had clearly just stated the obvious. She smiled sadly at the bark of laughter from the other woman. It was nothing like Emma’s beautiful laugh; it was full of sadness and irony.

“God you have no idea. At times it felt as if everyone was in on it. Everyone knew but there was this like secret code where no one could tell me. They were just pretending that I’d forgotten things to mess with me…” Emma explained hurriedly and Regina couldn’t help but shake her head in disbelief. How had so much of this gone over Regina’s head and how had Emma managed to hide so much from her?

“Like a practical joke” Charming finished softly with far too much understanding in his voice. The silence that followed was deafening even in the open space, it felt as if the children playing a few hundred yards away were miles away. Of course the man knew what it was like to go through what Emma had. He had gone through it himself. She, Regina had allowed him to go through it. She had listened to Emma describe her ordeal and felt her gut knot inside at the realisation she had caused Emma’s father to go through that pain and uncertainty just as his daughter had been.

She felt the feeling tenfold at Emma’s breathed “Yeah”. Emma’s tone however did not suggest that her father’s understanding at her predicament was anything new or something to marvel at. Then it hit Regina so hard and fast it almost winded her. Emma had been distant with her father because she thought he might figure it all out. Snow had been too delighted to have that connection with her daughter that she had taken everything she could, while Charming had always been someone who watched. He noticed things. Regina could only assume Emma had been afraid that had she let her father in, he would figure out her secret. Yet another person Emma had closed off in order to protect them. It was her parents and Regina who should have been protecting her, not the other way around.

“She loves you, you know” Charming said steadily and Regina felt her heart skip at the man’s tone. Once again it was not full of contempt as his wife’s would have been only this time yesterday. He simply accepted things as they were, if Regina made his daughter happy then so be it. Though Regina also knew through the odd comment from Henry that Charming separated Regina the woman in love with his daughter, and the Evil Queen. Maybe it was for the best, as Emma had stated the previous evening that was no longer the person Regina was.

“I do, and I love her” Emma stated as a matter of fact and Regina couldn’t help but smile at the simplicity of it. It was in the silence that followed the former Queen could hear running. As she turned she could see Henry being followed by Snow. She realised in that moment that she was still stood with two tub of slowly melting ice cream and now her son and former stepdaughter were coming towards her with speed. Also her partner and Charming behind her. Either way she was going to be caught eavesdropping on a conversation she had never intended to listen in on.

“You and Mom are going to have to look out for them” she heard Emma say even more loudly than anything else she’d heard and felt her heart skip and stomach flip. Emma should be looking out for them, and they looking out for Emma. They were a family, it was what family did. They were there for each other through everything, only Emma wouldn’t be. There would be an empty place in their bed, at the family table, at every family occasion until the end of time. Emma was leaving them and none of them had a choice in the matter. They were helpless to stop it.

“Emma…” Charming shushed clearly not wanting to think of what was being asked of him, only to be cut off by the blonde.

“Dad please” Emma hissed back, and Regina felt the change at hearing Emma say the word. The word that had often felt and sounded so foreign and awkward coming from the Saviour’s mouth. Regina heard Charming huff because he like her was not unaffected by the choice of wording Emma had used.

Snow and Henry were a matter of yards away from her. Thankfully Henry hadn’t noticed anything was amiss but Snow had. She watched as Snow made a move to grab the teen boy but seemed to think better of it. Henry went racing passed her hiding place while Snow fixed her with a knowing looking. Despite Henry’s speed and volume she still heard her lover’s plea loud above anything else. “Promise me” Emma rushed obviously seeing Henry making his way down to them.

“I promise” Charming replied, the sound of defeat in his voice was almost crippling. It was the sound of parent who knew there were just some things in life that you can’t protect your child from, and it was the most painful thing in the world.

* * *

 

The family had eaten their ice cream almost silently, except for Henry of course. The teen had rambled on needing turrets and a drawbridge amongst other things for his castle while Emma nodded along adding suggestions. Regina could feel the thickness in the air amongst the other adults. It was so dense it felt hard to breath in the light of the conversation she should have never listened to. Every so often she felt the eyes of Snow White upon her but refused to meet them and instead focused solely upon her love and their son.

Charming on the other hand seemed miles away, off in his own little world. It was only the expression he wore which showed the conflict within. Only his daughter and grandson weren’t paying him any attention and if either did far too many questions would be asked or in Emma’s case avoided. She could not concentration on him or Emma’s mother right now; she needed to focus on Emma and Henry as they both laughed at an unheard joke. It was with a slightly heavier heart she joined in with a chuckle.

It was Regina who jumped up once the party had finished their ice creams and carried them in a stacked fashion over to the trash. Walking back to their spot she took in several other families around her. Families of different ages and sizes, families she’d cursed so long ago. Children making sandcastle much like her own son, parents laughing, reading or simply talking amongst themselves. They were happy completely unaware that one day their blissful lives could come to an end. That one day they could lose everything they held dear.

Or maybe these families knew better than most how fickle life was. How easy it was to wake up one day and have nothing left. Only unlike them, she wouldn’t be reunited with her love after a curse was broken. It was her family that would shortly be fractured beyond repair. Their understanding and her part in their misery…maybe this was her punishment. She had finally been given what she had always wanted, but never thought she’d have and it felt amazing. Better than she had ever believed it would. Except she didn’t deserve her happy ending.

Reaching her family she instantly saw Emma was no longer with them. Her boots with her socks sticking out of the top was all that remained of the absent blonde. Before she could ask where the other woman was, Snow answered without even looking up from what looked to be a mini Portcullis of sticks, “She went for a walk, said you’d know where”.

She did know. Their place upon the beach. It was a larger sand dune further down the beach but most did not venture that far down. It was in the same spot Regina had realised her love for the other woman and the same patch of sand which had captured the telling of Regina’s her first love almost a year ago. It was hard to believe eleven months had passed since that night. The night of her and Emma’s anniversary. The night Emma had listened and she talked about her past and the other woman had comforted her. So much and so little had happened in the months since. So much Regina had planned to do and yet none of those things had happened, and now it looked as if they never would.

Behind the familiar rocks she found her lover in the spot she knew she would. The blonde was laid with her eyes closed and her cardigan balled beneath her head as a makeshift pillow. She looked peaceful as the slight breeze moved her hair around her face. The lines upon her face weren’t as prominent and the summer sun had almost made the bags under her eyes disappear. She looked just as she always had. Her beautiful Emma.

“Are you going to stand there all day? Or do you want to join me?” Emma asked with an amused tone to her voice. Her eyes remained lightly closed but the smirk upon the other woman’s lips made Regina smile, even if she did allow a small huff to pass by her lips. Emma’s smirk deepened as Regina moved across to sit beside her.

There was silence between the two women as Regina looked out across the sand and sea. The salty scent that lingered in the air was refreshing. Watching the people swimming in the ocean and walking towards the vast water made Regina feel calm. She felt calmer still when Emma shuffled closer to her and she could see the former Sheriff rearranging her “pillow” out of the corner of her eye. Much like in their bedroom this little section of the beach was almost as if it was made for them. They could lock away the world and just bask in each other’s company. Outside didn’t matter and nothing could harm them in their little oasis.

“Emma?” Regina asked quietly as she turned to see her love’s eyes were closed once more.

“Yeah” Emma replied just as quietly, almost as if she was afraid to puncture their little bubble.

“I…” Regina started without really knowing what she wanted to say. Hearing her hesitation the blonde’s eyes opened confusion and concern flickering in their watery depths.  She couldn’t look into the jade eyes for long as words continued to fail her so turned her head once again. Children and their parents were splashing and shouting to each other across from them. She could feel Emma’s gaze upon her, almost burning into her. Only Emma didn’t speak. The other woman knew when she was to push and when to wait; it was one of things she loved about her. Emma could hold her own and often stood toe to toe with her, but she knew where the line was drawn. She knew when not to push too hard. No one had ever known Regina as well as Emma Swan, not even Henry and she doubted anyone would again.

“I was going to propose here” Regina admitted, feeling the familiar rush of stupidity wash over her. The same feeling she had over the last few months every time she thought about that diamond ring. The ring Emma had found the night she left. Before Emma had gone to Boston she had been so certain of their future and Emma’s desire to be in hers, or her in Emma’s. Then she left and it shattered every certainty Regina had. She had spent months second guessing herself and their relationship. She could and at times did, spend hours just analysing everything she could. Trying to figure out at what moment Emma had stopped loving her. Had stopped wanting that future she’d promised at Christmas. Only for her head to turn the argument on its head and try to force her to believe she was wrong. Emma had and did love her. It wasn’t something the blonde could have faked. Her heart and brain had created riddle after riddle constraining her beliefs of what their relationship had been.

She heard Emma’s timid gasp that sounded like an audible “Oh” of surprise. The other woman sat up so she was on level with Regina and she could hear Emma’s breathing had changed. She could hear it over the small whistle of the wind as it was made the sand dance in front of them. She did not blame Emma for the pain she’d caused her before she left nor from her time in Boston but she couldn’t ignore it either. It wasn’t something she could brush under the living room rug and forget. The resounding banging of their future made that impossible. She had little choice but to keep going. Knowing why Emma had left, why she had claimed not to love her as Regina begged her to stay and why the other woman hadn’t contacted her, was still paled by the pain it had caused her. It hurt even more because the love and devotion she felt for the former Sheriff was not enough to make any of this right.  

“It was here I realised just how much I love you. Each time we come to our little patch it just…reinforces how right I was to accept your dinner invitation…” Regina continued as she watched the families playing together, living the life she’d always dreamed of. “In my own house” she added with a slight smile and was rewarded by Emma’s chortle. She expected some type of comeback. Something about being unable to resist her, only it didn’t come. This spot had changed her life in ways she hadn’t imagined as she had shouted at Emma for being so foolhardy for trying to make her go for a walk in December on a freezing cold beach. She had of course succeeded because even months into their relationship there was very little Regina could refuse the blonde. Even before they had started seeing each other she had folded against Emma’s strong nature. She _had_ been so difficult to resist and Regina wished so hard that she hadn’t for so long. Even an extra week would be a gift now. Time they wasted so early on when they could have been happy.

“It wasn’t going to be grand because I know you wouldn’t have liked it. Just us late at night on the beach. Even planned going down on one knee” Regina continued with a small but nervous chuckle as she fretfully rubbed the sand from her jeans. She heard what sounded like a sniff from her listening partner. Finally looking across at Emma the sight caused her breath to catch in her throat. The blonde had her head resting upon her knees which she was holding tight to her frame, as tears fell silently from her eyes; eyes that were looking straight at her. Eyes she was meant to looking into for the rest of their lives. She had never meant to make Emma cry, but she was thankful to see a smile upon Emma’s lips; even if it was tainted by sadness.

“I would have said yes in a heartbeat”, Emma answered her softly her voice thick with emotion and Regina couldn’t help the rush of excitement that swamped her system. Almost as if she’d just asked and Emma had accepted her proposal. She remembered of course that Emma saying the night before that she’d wanted to marry Regina. Regina had dismissed it as a plight to gain the upper hand, further deepen the lies she had already dug within the former Queen’s heart. In the light of Emma’s confessions and prognosis she had forgotten. How had she forgotten those words? Those stuttered pleading words to make Regina understand it wasn’t because she hadn’t wanted to her wife that she’d left.

The brunette knew of the bittersweet smile that captured her lips at the idea; the idea of being Emma’s wife and Emma hers. The idea of holding each other every night and waking in each other’s arms only for a small child or two to come bursting in and haphazardly climb across them as they pretended to sleep. The idea of watching their eldest son graduate, getting married and having children of his own all while clasping the hand of the woman she loved. The promise of forever. That was what she had wanted. The promise that no matter what this woman would be by her side loving her for the rest of time, ready to fight all matter of battles they could face. She would have known then as Emma stood beside her at the alter that she had finally won at something.

“That’s…” Regina said as released a resounding sigh. The feeling of happiness was idiotic and pointless because she knew now more than ever that her dreams were not going to come true. She knew the future she had wished for them would never come into fruition. She knew and yet it mattered very little to her as she felt Emma’s hand come to rest upon her knee; the reassuring force Emma had always had over her. Things had changed so much in those months they had almost endlessly fought as Emma pulled away and then more so when Emma had left. Why and how were they getting back to where they were before it had all begun? Why was Regina letting it happen? It would only hurt in the long run, but she’d be damned if she did not let herself feel the happiness she felt at her lover’s words and embrace. If this was all she had left she would hold onto it until there was nothing more to give

“There was just never the right moment …” Regina explained with another sigh that felt heavy in her chest. There was a point as they were laid upon a picnic blanket on Regina’s birthday where the words had nearly popped out. The ring and all her planning were forgotten as Emma and Henry had begged her to make a wish in the old well. She had seen their future and had wanted to seize it, but the words had escaped her. She wished more than anything she had neglected her plans and just asked. She would have gotten to see Emma’s beautiful smile as she said yes and hear their son make some comment about them being disgusting and too old to be kissing like that. She’d let the moment go just as she had so many others. That was her biggest regret in this world and this life above anything else she’d ever done. She’d let the moments go. Go unnoticed with the assumption they would have so many more that she would grasp onto and use to their full potential.

“And then the fighting…I kept waiting for it to stop” Regina continue letting her gaze fall and rest upon the soft sand in front of them, revelling in the warmth the hand upon her knee held. She had been certain once whatever was upsetting Emma was dealt with, once the other woman let her in, they’d be happy. Except they weren’t. Not in the way Regina had hoped. That moment. That moment of relief had never happened. Would never happen.

“Regina…I’m” Emma spoke her tone mournful and one Regina did not want to hear.

“No. Don’t” Regina said firmly cutting her off. She didn’t not want hear Emma apologise again. She knew the remorse Emma felt at what she had done. She had heard her hushed confessions to her father. She knew, and did not want to hear them again, not when it wasn’t Emma’s fault. She would not hear them again. She easily took Emma’s hand and turning her entire body around to face her love she saw the sorrow she had never wanted to see. “Please don’t” Regina pleaded. She pleaded not to hear another apology. She pleaded to not be the cause of the pained expression on Emma’s face. She pleaded for so many things that would never be theirs.

She watches as Emma’s familiar nervous habit shows itself again and the white teeth bite into Emma’s bottom lip. She watches as Emma clearly battles with her request. Battled the need to quell the need to express her regret at everything she’d caused. Regina couldn’t and wouldn’t blame Emma, not anymore. Not now she knew. “I would have said yes” Emma repeated that small sad smile etched upon her face once more. She’d take it. She’s take it and run with Emma’s hand in her own until their lungs burned with need for oxygen and their bodies broke from exhaustion. She would have her happy ending for as long as she could, even if it meant running until her heart gave out.

“I wouldn’t have minded sharing your name” Regina retorts and loves the look of astonishment in the other woman’s eyes. Simple shock at the idea, but a pleased and delighted shock that warmed her once darkened heart.

“Swan?” Emma asked incredulous as if she couldn’t believe her ears.

“Yes of course Swan” the older woman replied with a slightly laugh and felt her grin form at the look of amazement upon Emma’s face. Her eyes seemed to brighten at the prospect and she could almost see her love on their wedding day looking back at her with every ounce of love she possessed.

“Regina Swan” the other woman said slowly, letting it roll over her tongue as if testing it. Hearing it out loud made Regina’s heart pound within her chest. It made her feel giddy. Who knew the former Evil Queen could feel “giddy”. The feeling rose to euphoric at wide smile Emma threw at her. It made her look whole again. Completely and utterly healthy. It made her look just like her Emma in every aspect as the green eyes shimmered with delight. Regina finally had a home.

“Doesn’t sound too bad now does it?” Regina said with a small chuckle delighted there were no signs of sadness left upon Emma’s face.

“No it doesn’t…” was Emma’s breathless but still grinning reply. In that smile she could see her forever. She could see the three of them finally happy. Decades of trying to get her happy ending and she was handing the key to hers in her hands. Emma had been wrong, Emma was her happy ending.

She watched as the smile still stayed almost as if it was engraved upon the blonde’s face as her other hand wiped away the fallen tears. She did however hear the low almost annoyed sounded groan from the blonde. Following Emma’s gaze over her shoulder she saw Henry and the Charmings coming towards them. While the adults looked apologetic, their son look annoyed as his feet got caught in the soft sand and the bag he’d carried up onto the beach swinging in all directions.

It was Snow that gave Emma her shoes and purse, while Charming and Henry flopped upon the ground either side of them. “Everything okay?” Emma asked as Regina heard Henry sigh deeply. She wasn’t used to sharing their spot with other people, though Emma didn’t seem to mind so she’d try and let it go.

“Pongo” the three newcomers replied all in different tones. Henry’s was defiantly the saddest. She saw Emma’s smirk at their son’s defeated tone, but was thankful when she saw the other woman throw out an arm to hug the awkward teen.

“Next time that beast will not defeat us” Emma said in a low tone that sounding oddly British. Henry shot her a confused look which could only ever be given to a parent from their child when they’d just said something utterly ridiculous. Emma’s eyebrow arched into a clear challenge, though Henry’s look of confusion only intensified. It was only when his body shot forward and tensed that Regina realised the hand that was wrapped around the boy had moved to tickle him.

“No!” Henry exclaimed as Emma seized her chance and her fingers were digging into their son’s most ticklish flesh. Henry squirmed and chuckled beneath his mother’s attack, causing sand to be kicked in every direction. Regina couldn’t help but chuckle along with her son at the look of delight upon her lover’s face as she effectively pinned the young boy against the sand. “Ma!” Henry kept repeating through bursts of laughter and it made the former Mayor’s heart soar.

It was only once Henry started coughing and exclaiming he was about to “pee” himself that Emma relented and allowed the boy to sit up. The glare Henry shot at Emma for attacking him and Regina for letting her only caused both women to laugh out loud. It took several moments to crack the teen but even he grinned as Emma pulled him back into a more secure hug. Regina looked across a chuckle still erupting from her lungs to see Snow once again clicking away upon Henry’s camera.

* * *

 

It wasn’t long after the Charmings and Henry invaded their moment together that it was decided to go home. Regina couldn’t remember as she, Emma and Henry drove home who had suggested their day out should be drawn to a close. However she knew it was for the best as she looked over at Emma in the passenger seat and saw the blonde fast asleep, her head resting against the window. She resisted the urge to audibly chortle as she looked back in her mirror to see their son mirroring his birth mother’s current state. Clearly the sun and fresh air had wiped them both out.

Thankfully Henry stirred as they pulled into Mifflin Street and was fully awake as they pulled up. Sadly Regina hadn’t been able to wake Emma quite as calmed as Henry had because as she turned the engine off Emma woke with a jerk. It was with a bewildered expression the blonde looked around and Regina could have easily scolded Henry for sniggering at Emma’s reaction.

“You’re okay. You’re with Henry and I” Regina said firmly but kindly placing a hand against Emma’s knee and hoped despite her annoyance at their teen son, he would still find it amusing rather than ask difficult questions. It took a moment for Emma to register the hand upon her knee or the words of comfort being offered to her; but it was with a low groan and a rub of her eyes in which she seemed to come back to reality.

“Crap I fell asleep” Emma grumbled groggily sounding rather annoyed, possibly at the fact she’d fallen asleep and that she had been woken up. Henry was still chuckling away to himself, at his mother’s expense.

“It’s fine. At least you weren’t snoring like someone we both know” Regina said with a tone of jest, gesturing with her head to their teenage son.

The chuckling stopped instantly. “I do not snore!” Henry huffed.

“Yes you do” both his mothers answered with a chortle. Regina moved to get out of the car before remembering Emma hadn’t put her shoes back on after she’d towelled them clean of sand. Before she could offer help, the blonde was out of the car barefooted, boots in one hand, her purse in the other and her cardigan over one arm. She couldn’t help but laugh at Emma’s careful footing on their drive to ensure she did not injure her feet while their son slammed the car door and took off with a sprint. The boy didn’t look back at his parents as he let himself in the house and was out of sight.

“Want a hand?” Regina asked locking her car door and looking across to ensure Henry had done the same. He had. Regina watched with amusement as Emma all but ran the length of the paved walkway and leaping onto their porch as their son had done. Only the blonde stood and waited for her.

“No I’ve got it” Emma answered breezily with a grin. Maybe a little too breezily to explain the look of panic Regina had witness when Emma had awoken. She supposed Emma could have simply needed a moment to readjust to the world around her. It didn’t have to mean anything bad or sinister. Regina wondered if she would ever stop second guessing the woman who was now waving her cardigan around to rid it sand. Something which Regina got a mouthful of as climbed the steps into their home.

“Thank you for that” Regina said with a face of disgust as Emma grinned sheepishly in her direction.

“Sorry” the other woman replied looking genuinely sorry, in fact more apologetic than a few grains of sand in the mouth warranted.

“I’m sure I’ll be fine” the brunette replied trying to keep the situation as light as possible as she made her way passed Emma into the house. As expected Henry’s shoes and jacket were in the doorway. It was with a sigh and the roll of her eyes Regina turned back to her partner. “Why don’t you go up and have a little sleep and then we can eat when you wake up?” she asked and was surprised to see a small but thankful smile shining back at her.

“Okay but not too long” Emma replied easily, and Regina was honestly surprised at how easy it was. Regina took Emma’s belonging with a nod, noting Emma kept a tight a hold of her purse as she walked passed her and up the stairs without looking back. It was hardly a surprise when the item held the medication Emma needed to keep fighting this battle they’d found themselves in. It was odd to her that something as small as a purse and its contents could literally keep her lover alive. Regina would of course get anything Emma needed but if it Emma feel safer to have her bag with her then so be it.

Hanging up the family’s belongs, and placing their shoes upon the stand Regina followed the other woman. She found Emma face down at the base of the bed. At least she was on her own side. She’d made it that far. “Come on Emma” Regina encouraged as softly as she could and heard Emma’s groan in response. It was in slow motion she watched the feet which were only inches above the ground come to stand upon it, and slightly hunched Emma walked to the head of the bed.

“Can you pass me some pajamas” Emma asked with a gesture of her hand. Despite Emma’s like for being comfortable she rarely got ready for bed this early. Or maybe she did now. If last night was anything to go by, Emma’s sleeping pattern was truly broken. Maybe the blonde’s schedule had changed in her time away. Instead of answering Regina turned and pulled out a top and pajama bottoms from one of Emma’s boxes and passed them to the blonde. The other woman didn’t own nor believe in owning pairs of pajamas, which was why she had a small selection of pajama bottoms and an extensive number of tops she could mix and match.

It took her a moment to realise Emma was simply staring at the clothing she’d just passed her. The blonde wasn’t even moving. “Emma, are you okay?” Regina asked timidly. The former sheriff nodded but apart from that did not move or speak.

“Do you need help?” Regina asked carefully and watched as Emma nodded again. “Okay” she answered trying to swallow the lump that had just appeared in her throat. Regina stepped forward and came to kneel at Emma’s feet. She could do this. She’d undressed Emma before. Lots of times in fact. Only there was nothing sexy about this. But it was just as intimate as Regina unbuckled Emma’s belt, taking care not to damage the torn belt loop further. She would have to fix that tomorrow. Emma’s tired eyes did not leave Regina’s as she tilted her hips to allow the older woman to slip the jeans from them and down her legs.

Regina was determined not to lose it as the pajama bottoms were pulled up and over Emma’s slender hips. Hips she could feel, sticking out more than they had ever done before. Emma had always been lean. She had been fit. Rather unfairly so, despite the junk food the woman forced into her body she had always managed to maintain a good figure. One significantly larger than the one she donned now.

The former Queen bite her lip to stop the audible gasp of emotion as Emma laid her head upon Regina’s shoulder with a low and exhausted tone. “We’re almost done” Regina encouraged, even hearing her voice strain against the internal conflict. She let Emma rest her head against her shoulder a few moments before moving away slightly. It wouldn’t do Emma any good if she fell asleep in that position. Much like the bottom half, Regina changed Emma’s top and replaced it with the new bed wear as Emma seemingly stared on.

Thankfully the bed had not been made from Emma climbing out of it that morning, so all it took was Regina to pull back the cover for Emma to lie back where she sat. She shifted maybe an inch to ensure her head hit the pillow, which is just managed to do. When Regina went to cover the young woman up however her wrist was grabbed with a slight whine. “Lie with me?” Emma asked with a small drone, her eyes already closed.

“Okay” Regina gave in without difficulty. She wasn’t in the mood to deny Emma nor did she want to, but as she moved to cover Emma up once again so she could go to her side she felt Emma tug her forward. It wasn’t so much a tug but more like a small pull, barely resistance at all.

“Here” Emma stated pulling her again. Regina didn’t sleep on Emma’s side. It felt uncomfortable and abnormal. She only fell asleep on Emma’s side after hours of mind blowing sex and she was unable to move. The pull happened again only more forcefully this time.

“Okay. Okay” Regina rushed not wanting to distress the drained woman. Climbing into their bed from this side made her feel strange, but the feeling didn’t last long as she curled around the younger woman; cradling her in her arms. Emma instantly snuggled into her with a content sigh.

Despite her obvious exhaustion it took almost thirty minutes for Emma’s breathing to even out completely. Regina simply lay cocooned by Emma’s warmth playing with the strands of hair beside the hand she’d slid beneath Emma’s head. She couldn’t stop looking at the face inches away from her own and smiling as the other woman’s breathe tickled her face as the jade eyes flickered beneath their lids.

She somehow managed to extract herself from Emma’s limbs as carefully as she could once she’d been laid there for almost an hour. As quickly and quietly as she could Regina ran around the room collecting the clothes they had left upon the bedroom floor the evening before and added them to Emma’s newly discarded ones. With the same level of care she collected their dirty mugs that had been all but forgotten about in the dramas that had unfolded in this very room merely twelve hours ago. She only winced once when Emma’s cup made an audible “ting” against hers. Thankfully Emma did not stir.

Laundry was sorted and a cycle started as Regina busied herself, not allowing herself to consider the conversation she knew was coming. The conversation in which she’d have a hand in breaking her little boy’s heart. It would destroy Henry and she’d have to watch as that gorgeous smile of his slipped away and in seconds that baby face would age beyond his years. She could suggest they put it off another night. What did one more day matter? They’re little family could be happy just one more day. Only she could never ask Emma for such a thing. To even suggest it after everything Regina had said the evening before would make her a hypocrite, but the desire to do it was so powerful it nearly consumed her. They couldn’t keep pretending anymore. They had to stop pretending that they stood a chance or that they could fight any of this. It was coming at full speed, head lowered as it charged.

There was nothing she could do and so the bowls that had held the pancake mixture were steeped while more fragile things were washed by hand. She could do the meaningless things. The things that no one ever noticed but made life easier. The dishwasher would be set away after their evening meal, another thing she could do for her family. She could provide. She could remain strong and keep ploughing on with a brave face. For Emma and their son.

Henry as expected had been engrossed in whatever game he was playing in his room as she had struggled passed his door with their dirty laundry. The look of complete concentration upon his face that she had seen through the door left ajar had reminded her so much of his birth mother it was astounding. There was once a time she hated any familiarities she noticed between the young boy and Emma in the first year of Emma’s stay in Storybrooke. But then she came to treasure it. She noticed everything, the similarities and differences. She had come to love each and every one as she watched the two people she loved most interact over the last two years.

It was with a cold chill she was hit squarely in the stomach at the thought of what was she going to feel once Emma left them. What would she feel as she looked at her son and saw his birth mother looking back at her? Would she feel relief she had this piece of Emma that they had both loved far more than either believed possible? Or would she feel sadness and then shame at her inability to look upon her little boy’s face without seeing the woman that had left them behind?

The thought of a life without Emma was too much to bear without thinking of such things. How was she going to face each day? Look after Henry alone? She had for ten years of course but she had been given a glimpse of true happiness. She had prepared meals for her family in this very kitchen, and laughed, joked and told stories about their day at work or school as they ate them. She’d watched ridiculous superhero and action films just because Emma and Henry had wanted her to. She’d snuggled under blankets with Emma as the other woman cried over romantic comedies and chick flicks. She had danced around their living room with Emma as the blonde blasted severely out of date music even for Regina. She’d held Emma close, made love and whispered promises of forever in the place that finally felt like home. How was all this going to come to an end? How could this be the ending of the Saviour’s story?

It was unfair on Henry that his birth mother would leave them far too soon. He worshiped the ground she walked on. He believed in happy endings. He believed in a good and just world. Only this world was not either of those things. She had known that when she cast the curse. It was why she cast the curse. This world was known for its horribleness. Except she was meant to get her happy ending. Emma was meant to bring back the happy endings, only Regina hadn’t realised she was the only one that would not get one. She had believed after everything she had done to redeem herself, that this would be her reward. She would get her dream come true only to have the chair knocked out from beneath her at the last moment.

They could have days like this one for the rest of Emma’s life. Days they’d remember for the rest of theirs. Happy days. Days in which nothing really mattered, because little else did now. Maybe they could pull Henry from school? He’d only miss a few months. A few months, that was all they had left. She’d have to discuss it with Emma. Henry’s education was important of course, but she didn’t care. His time with Emma was worth more. He could always take extra classes, or go to summer school. This was the only time he had left with his birth mother and Regina was going to make sure they all used it the best they could. Not wasting a moment of it.

As Regina stood in her dimly lit kitchen she realised just how much time had passed since she entered the room. The summer sun was low in the sky but was nowhere near setting. She could hear the second lot of laundry in the washing machine, the first in the dryer. Emma’s forgotten clothes were folded in a neat pile at the bottom of the stairs waiting to go up along with other laundry that had been piling up. She was in no mood to iron that could wait until tomorrow.

Opening the fridge she noted the distinct lack of food it held. She had planned to do her weekly shop after Henry’s riding lesson as she had become accustomed to, but Emma’s return had somewhat invaded and changed her plans. She hadn’t even thought about what they’d eat for dinner. She could go to Granny’s. She couldn’t be bothered to go and do her shopping now. She’d do it tomorrow. Another job on her rapidly increasing to do list.

She walked through their silent home, collecting the folded laundry as she went. Henry was laid in the same position he was almost two hours ago when she had seen him last. She placed his now clean clothes next to him, so the teen could put them away. “I’m going to Granny’s what would you like?” she asked feeling the day events starting to weigh her down. While part of her did not want the conversation with the teen, she couldn’t wait for the day to end so she could climb into bed with her lover and hold her close as they both fell into dreams of what could have been.

“Burger and fries” Henry replied barely looking up from his game. It was with an eye roll Regina gave an unnecessary nod and left the boy to play. Anything to keep him happy for a moment longer.

She was surprised when she attempted to enter the master bedroom as quietly as she could to see Emma was half sitting up, propped by her pillows; phone in hand. “How are you feeling?” Regina asked trying to sound as light-hearted as she could, while still sounded caring. Emma certainly looked better and more aware of her surroundings.

It was with a stretch and slight groan Emma replied, “Better. Mom’s been texting me though”. Regina resisted the urge to scowl as she placed their clean laundry upon the dresser.

“You should have just turned it off” Regina said not unkindly but she was under no illusion that the meaning behind her words would be understood. She heard Emma sigh and felt a slither of guilt trickle into her midriff as she put various pieces of clothing in their allocated drawers. It felt good to be putting things back in Emma’s drawers, even if they were empty. Like they were starting afresh.

“She’s coming over” Emma said yawning loudly which caused Regina’s blood to run cold. She’d spent the day with the woman. She understood Emma’s desire to spend time with her parents, and Snow and Charming’s need to be close to their daughter but she didn’t want them here. She wanted family time. Her family time with Emma and Henry. Just them. But she couldn’t but wonder if she was being unreasonable. But if they were going to break the news to their son she wanted to do it with only Emma, without an audience. She did not want them to see the boy’s heart break.

She could feel Emma’s gaze upon her as the last of their clothing went into its rightful drawer. Before she turned she knew Emma was watching her and was rewarded by a knowing looking being aimed right at her when she did. “Henry left his homework so they’re just bringing it over as they thought we’d want tomorrow to be just us” Emma explained never breaking eye contact and Regina couldn’t help but feel guilty. The Charmings were actually doing things to help them. Regina wondered when Emma had told Snow they were going to tell Henry tonight.

“Okay” Regina replied timidly and watched as a crease formed between the blonde’s eyes. The crease that told the former Queen that Emma was thinking about something. “I’m going to Granny’s, do you want anything?” Regina asked momentarily annoyed at herself for her wording. If Emma wasn’t ill she would have simply asked what Emma wanted, not if she wanted something. She supposed it was better to ask than assume.

“Burger and fries?” Emma asked sheepishly with a small grin. Mother like son. She just nodded with a chuckle. Why was she ever surprised? “What? I’m supposed to eat high calorie foods when I’m hungry” Emma supplied looking despite the smile on her face a little uneasy. It broke her heart just a little at the look upon Emma’s face. She looked so uncertain with her confession.

“Only you would get an illness that requires you to eat junk food” Regina said with a shake her head but was glad to see a small smile appear upon Emma’s face. She was happier still when she heard she small burst of laughter fill the room.

“What?” she asked. While her attempt at humour was meant to make Emma feel better the glee in her laughter was a little more than she had expected.

“Nothing. I’m just glad to see you’re at the joking stage. Jokes and facts have kept my sprites up” the other woman said altering her position slightly. Emma didn’t look offended but she did look slightly stern.

“Oh” Regina replied quietly not entirely sure of what to say.

“If I don’t eat it all the kid will finish it off right?” the blonde inquired with a look Regina had yet to see upon her face. It almost looked like shame, only there was something else. Something else Regina couldn’t name.

“Henry will eat pretty much anything you put in front of him. It wouldn’t go to waste” Regina replied once again trying to keep it as light as possible. “Henry is in his room but just let him answer the door so you don’t have to get out of bed” the brunette suggested as airily as she could but saw the grateful nod she got in return.

“I was wondering if we should tell him after we eat.” Emma said to the throw covering her. The time was fast approaching them. They had to do it. Maybe it would be like a band aid. Better if just ripped off quickly, not drawn out. They would tell Henry and then comfort him best they could.

“I was thinking the same” Regina answered careful, painfully aware of the constriction in her throat. She could do this. They could do this. It wouldn’t be okay, but it would be manageable, together. Emma looked back at her with her sad eyes, and she knew the emotion in them and knew Emma would be able to see it hers. There was no running from this. The small smile Emma gave her did nothing to calm the ache she felt inside. Once they told Henry it would be real. Other people would know and they wouldn’t be able to hide it. Everyone would know Emma had cancer. It would be so and undeniably real.

“I should go” Regina gestured behind her to the bedroom door and watched as Emma nodded. The blonde did not move to take hold of Regina’s hand but clutched the cover closer still to her. Maybe it was for the rest they did not seek comfort in one other just yet. If Regina took a hold of the ill woman she might never let her go. But as she turned to leave she couldn’t resist the need to hear Emma’s beautiful laugh once more. One she was rewarded with as she called over her shoulder “If I go now I might be able to avoid your mother”.

Regina was both surprised and thankful to see the Charming duo drive passed her at the end of Mifflin. It was with a slight wave she acknowledged their presence, silently thankful it would mean they’d be gone by the time she got back. The roads were empty just as they always were this time of night. It was as if a deathly calm took a hold of the town. There was barely anyone upon the streets as she neared the diner, but the small establishment was buzzing from within.

No one looked over at her as she entered and not a single person acknowledged her presence as made her way to the counter. Just yesterday she had been thankful that no one paid her any attention anymore. But today was different. Everything had changed since she entered the small diner yesterday. Her life had been turned on its head and spiralled so out of her control she didn’t know what to do or which way was up. Everyone was just as they were yesterday, because their lives were just going on as normal.

Ruby took her order as she always did and she thankful for the genuine smile. A rush of fondness of the waitress crept over her as she gave a pale imitation back. But she couldn’t help the urge to scream as one of the dwarfs laughed openly as his dining companion made an unheard joke. She supposed it was true what they say. Life goes on. Except hers wasn’t. From the moment Emma had muttered the words of her fate, Regina’s life had frozen. She would age and the seasons would pass with the leaves changing colours before falling off in time for the snow to fall. Time would pass but her life would be stuck. She would be stuck in that moment for the rest of her life because how was she supposed to just move on from that?

Clutching their meals in various containers and bags Regina made her way back to her car. The fact that it was the end of June still amazed her. Half of the year had passed and she had very little to show for it. It had been a little over six months since Emma had confessed of having dreams of their future children and a little less than six months since Regina had bought Emma’s engagement ring. Six months ago her vision of what her life would be was very different from where she was today.

As she slipped into the driver’s seat she felt her phone vibrate. She silently pleaded it wasn’t Emma with food requests from her parents. Please be anything but that. She wasn’t surprised when she pulled out the small device that the message was in fact from her partner. As quickly as she could she unlocked her phone and opened the message and barely registered the anguish filled cry that fell from her open mouth as read the words, “Come home! Henry knows x”. Food bags still clutched in her hand the former Queen disappeared in a cloud of purple smoke.


	16. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down. *Established Swan Queen*

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

 **Author** : Calliope-plantain

 **Rating:**  M

 **Pairing:** Regina/Emma

 **Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

 **Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

 **Author's Note:** I am loving the ideas people are sending me – do you honestly expect me to ruin the ending of this or the sequel? 

 **Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she’s missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)

She barely broke stride as she appeared in the mansion’s hallway. The car could be collected tomorrow. She should have simply “poofed” over there in the first place. Why had she been so stupid as to drive! The eerie silence of the house was only broken by what she knew to be her son’s cries of anguish. No other sound greeted her ears as she all but ran up the stairs, taking two at a time.

How had he found out? Emma and she had agreed to wait! To tell the boy together and now he knew. Had he overheard them talking and his curious nature had gotten the better of him and his other mother? Regina knew how easily the blonde folded under Henry’s tactics. Had Emma taken ill in the time since she’d left the house and she had had no choice but to divulge her condition to the young teen? That consideration hurt more than the possible information leak. What was she about to see as she followed the distressed wails of her not so little boy? She could feel her blood boiling as she skid, turning at the top of staircase as she considered the possible and mostly likely way Henry now knew his birth mother’s fate. Snow. Had Snow told him?

She pushed the master bedroom’s door open with force. The only thing stopping the wooden door from smashing against the wall was her unsteady hand clutching the handle. The sight before her stopped her breath, ceased her heart beat and all but cut her off at the knees. Their son was curled against his mother so tightly even Regina could see his hands were deathly white. Emma’s chin was resting upon their son’s head, one hand clutching it to her shoulder as the rest of her body seemed to be almost shielding Henry from the on slaughter of the unforgiving world around them.

The sobs of sorrow were loudest in the moments Regina stood completely and utterly still. Her body refused to move as jade eyes looked directly at her. As tears in those broken eyes glistened threateningly so but refused to fall. Regina could see the actual teeth marks in Emma’s dried lips from where the blonde had been biting back her own pain. It seemed an age before Regina’s body could comprehend what was happening in front of her and longer still to realise she should do something to comfort their son.

The diner bags and trays were placed with little care upon the vanity. It was of little importance the damage that could be done to the mahogany by steam and grease. Emma’s eyes followed her as Regina removed Emma’s laptop from her side of the bed though their son’s sobbing did not lessen. Henry didn’t seem to notice she was there as Emma’s body was being pulled and pressed against him as if he feared if he let his mother go, she might just disappear. Regina knew the feeling because she had felt it a little less than twenty four hours ago. The need to just touch or be touched by the blonde, to ensure she was still there. She was still breathing and laughing before her. That her heart still beat within her chest. Ensuring her return was not just a dream Regina’s brain had conjured up in the loneliness hours of the night.

The brunette climbed into the large bed from her own side, curling her frame around her little boy’s, feeling Emma’s forehead come to rest against hers. Henry’s cries did not wane as Regina lay beside him, but he did reach her for hand and pulled her arm around him. His grip was so tight Regina momentarily worried that she felt instantaneous pins and needles in her hand. The teen’s grasp upon her hand lessened however when it seemed he realised she wasn’t going to move away, in fact he seemed to relax against her when the former Queen’s hold became bolder.

Nothing could be heard except their son’s fallen tears and broken breath but the occasionally “shhh” whispered soothingly from Emma’s lips. Though which of the trio she was trying to sooth most Regina wasn’t sure as she laid with her eyes closed in an attempt to stop the inevitable tears that scorched behind her eyelids. The hand that that stroking their son’s hair kept pushing her own as well, whether intentional or not Regina took comfort from it anyway. How much did Henry know of Emma’s condition? Henry knowing changed things Regina knew, and also knew from her own reaction the previous evening that in the moments after you’re told your mind goes blank. Only then does your mind work on over load and the desire to know everything takes over; because knowledge is power. That power, that knowledge makes you feel just a little less helpless.  How much had Henry asked, and how much had Emma told him?

Regina didn’t know how long it took their teen son to stop crying but the tight hold he had upon his mothers, and his mothers on him did not lessen until longer after. None spoke as Henry’s breathing almost levelled out except from the odd hitch which Regina doubted the boy would ever lose. The only noise that broke the silence was Emma’s methodical “shhh” every time their son’s breath would jump, even slightly. Regina finally opened her eyes to see Emma’s were also closed, though they did not stay so for long as Emma sensed the brunette’s gaze upon her.

The second their eyes met Regina felt the familiar sting of tears burning her eyes, though she did not fight them. She let them fall as she pulled Henry in closer and felt Emma’s fingers dance through her hair. Their little family was so tightly connected to an event that would soon shatter them, leaving them forever incomplete; and so they held on tight to each other. Regina knew in that moment despite the fact the end was coming; not a single one of them was going to give up without a fight. They had all fought for a happy ending. Fought to be counted and to belong. They finally had it and wouldn’t let it go for anything.

Henry shifted and moved to sit up and while his mothers allowed him to move, both kept their eyes trained upon him. Both waiting for more of a reaction. Regina didn’t know what Henry had said or asked. She didn’t know how he knew or how much. She only knew that her little boy had been crying and his parents could do little to sooth his pain. There was little that could be done for any of their agony. “Going to the bathroom” Henry muttered gruffly and Regina was surprised to see him entering their ensuite. Not that she minded, just Henry as he had gotten older had been adamant to get his own privacy and such, unless it was a dire emergency they did not enter his bathroom and he would not go into theirs.

“Okay kid, we’ll be here” Emma called after their son as he clicked the door closed. Running water could be heard almost instantly, clearly to mask any noises that could permeate the wooden door. Henry wanted to remain close. Her bedfellow let out a deep shaking sigh. Turning her head Regina saw the green eyes were filled with tears that had not marred them moments before. The woman staring at the ensuite door was trying so damn hard not to break. To be brave for their son. It broke Regina heart that little bit more. Just when she thought the muscle within her chest could not break any further another piece would chip away and crumble, causing more pain than she thought she could ever endure.

“He heard Mom and Dad talking” Emma breathed her eyes still trained upon the door as if waiting for the moment in which she had to be strong again. The moment their son needed her to be his “Ma” and she no longer could show weakness.

It took a moment for Regina to register the words she just heard despite the eerie silence in the room. The words that seem to slip from Emma’s lips almost completely unnoticed. She had guessed. No she had known. Snow had done it. Snow had been the reason their little boy had sobbed his throat raw, making his voice so gruff. It was because of her little prince was broken. They had decided they were going to tell him. United. She had no right to go spreading other people’s secrets. The woman was still the young girl who had ruined her life. Regina remembered only hours ago the look in which Snow had looked at them both. Regina had believed. She had stupidly believed maybe, just maybe things had changed. That Snow had changed. That she understood and accepted. But no. Snow would never change.

 “So it was Snow? I knew it” Regina replied her voice so low she was surprised the blonde heard it. But she did. Emma turned to look at her and seeing the tears clinging to Emma’s eyelashes made her stomach sink. All it would take was for those deep eyes to blink. To close and the tears would fall. Maybe Emma would too. Maybe she would break. Regina could do it. Could hold her and their son together. Hold them so impossibly close that the cracks would be unseen. Her soul and heart might tear from the sharp edges, but she would keep her brave front. She would hold them tight as they deserved to be. No one deserved the fate that had been handed to them, least of all her love and son. They deserved to be happy. Regina had believed maybe she had finally earned the right to be too.

“They didn’t know he was there. They still don’t” Emma explained, her eyes bore into hers. The fact that Emma’s parents didn’t know their son was there did little to help her feel better towards them. They knew it was sensitive subject. Of course it was. She didn’t begrudge them discussing Emma’s condition; she was there daughter after all. She knew from her own experience of the last twenty four hours, the pain and grief can get on top of you. It just slips out, but you have to manage it. Or take yourself away and deal with it away from those who don’t know. Emma and Regina had been doing it with Henry all day. Henry deserved to be told, not to overhear that his mother was going to die. Her stomach flipped at the notion. The thought of Snow telling Henry angered her so much, she could almost feel her blood boiling in her veins, but at least he would have been physically told.

“He came running in as they walked out of the kitchen. They shouted goodbye as they left” Emma continued her explanation. Her gaze did not leave her face. She could see the flicker of worry in those darkened eyes. Fearful of her reaction.

“What were they doing in our kitchen?” Regina snapped a little more forceful than she had intended. Emma moved to sat forward. Away from her. Distancing herself from Regina. She didn’t like it. It wasn’t her fault. She was angry for her son. She was angry for her lover. She was just angry at the world. Right now being angry at Snow and Charming gave her an outlet.

“David was putting my sandwich in the fridge” Emma explained with a hint of annoyance at Regina’s tone. Her eyes were back upon the bathroom door. The sound of running water had stopped and she couldn’t help but wonder if their son had his ear against the door listening to them. Nor could she help the feeling of guilt that slithered within her chest at the look upon Emma’s face. She didn’t like Emma going back to calling David by his name. He had been doing something nice for Emma.

“He shouldn’t have been listening in on a private conversation” Emma stated her face emotionless. Her mask already on for the moment that door opened and their son would step out. The feeling of guilt intensified within Regina, only this time it was coupled with shame. She had done exactly what Henry had done. Except her “victims” were Emma and Charming. She had listened into their private and emotional conversation. She had known she shouldn’t and just listened anyway. Emma’s gaze shifted and it felt as if the blonde was looking straight through her. It felt as if Emma knew what she had done and was thinking. It took Regina a moment to realise that the look being aimed at her was understanding. Emma did know.

“You know…” Regina breathed, and saw Emma sigh once again.

“Of course I know” Emma breathed turning her head completely in her direction. The look on her face was now one of disbelief. “I can always feel you Regina, always have. You, your magic whatever it is. I can always feel when you’re near because it makes my skin tingle” Emma explained as if she was talking to someone too young to understand something so complex. Except Regina did understand. She had always felt it too, more so after they had used their combined magic and Jefferson’s hat to open the portal. It wasn’t until the Charmings had told her Emma had magic that she had identified what she had always felt whenever the blonde was around. Even before Emma had started practicing using her magic and even after Emma had all but stopped using, Regina felt the pleasant buzz of their magic. 

“I don’t know how much you heard and I don’t care that you heard. I didn’t say anything I wouldn’t say to you. But the point is; he shouldn’t have been eavesdropping” Emma continued and Regina couldn’t help the feeling that she was being scolded indirectly. Though Emma didn’t care that she’d heard. She knew she shouldn’t have listened, even if Emma would have said everything she had said to her father, in front of her. It was still a private moment between father and daughter. One of a dwelling few.  Emma was right; Henry shouldn’t have been eavesdropping.

“But how he knows doesn’t bother me” Emma finished and Regina felt her anger rise again, only this time it was falsely aimed at the former sheriff.

“How can it not bother you? _We_ agreed to tell him. Together. And whether or not your mother _meant_ to or not, it’s because of her…and your father that Henry found out the way he did” Regina hushed as quickly as she could, realising that Henry was taking much longer than he should have been. Though she also understood that maybe the young boy needed a moment to collect himself, just as Emma had when he had left. How could Emma not care? How could she physically say those words to her and not realise the magnitude of them? They had agreed. Yes they had done everything since Henry had found out that they would have done if they had told him, but that wasn’t the point. He deserved to find out from his mothers.

“Of course it bothers me” Emma all but rushed back at her, looking hurt. Emma simply looked at her with a shake of her head. It did nothing for the ever present feeling of guilt that lingered within her. “I wanted it to be us that told him” the blonde continued and Regina saw the vulnerability. She saw the honesty haunting Emma’s features and broken eyes.  The former Queen felt herself crumbling inside out, underneath the look. Regina was angry and she was annoyed. All of this was so unfair. It wasn’t just and it just didn’t make sense but she wasn’t angry at Emma. If this was how she felt she couldn’t even imagine how Emma must be feeling.

“That’s not what I meant. It bothers me that he knows. Not how he found out. That’s what we have to deal with right now” the blonde explained as she reached for the nape of her neck. She was right. Of course she was right. Regina felt as if she’d missed a step climbing the stairs. The fact he knew outweighed anything else. Henry didn’t seem angry at them for not telling him, only upset at what he now knew. There was a noise from the room their son was taking refuge in.

“Henry knows… we have to go on from here. We can deal with the rest of it tomorrow, but right now? Our son needs _us_ ” her lover said almost as if she was pleading with her to understand; only Regina did. God did she understand. She felt selfish. Henry needed them. They both needed her, not her grudge against Snow White. They needed her. Regina moved forward to take hold of Emma’s hand which was resting upon the bed, the other still massaging the tender flesh at the base of her scalp. She felt Emma’s hand tighten around her own, though neither woman spoken. Regina should apologise, it wasn’t Emma’s fault. None of this was. Only the jade eyes told her it was necessary and so she simply held the slight hand in her own, a little tighter.  

The door they had been eying like a hawk opened slowly, thankfully giving both women enough time to be pulled away from their silent conversation. Their little boy looked so small in that moment. His hair was tousled, face blotchy and he clearly tears in his eyes once more. Emma leapt up before Regina had chance to move and wrapped her arms around him. Henry seemed to sink into his birthmother as if he was trying to inhale the woman. Neither was crying despite their glistening eyes and unsteady breathes. All Regina could do was offer a small smile of comfort and lean within touching range of the two holding each other up. Henry seemed to be handling it better than she did. He was at least standing mostly unaided. Though she hadn’t seen him when he came running to find his birth mother.

“Do you have any more questions?” Emma asked directly into the mess of dark hair. There was a moment of complete silence before Henry’s stomach rumbled in reply cause all three of them to chuckle nervously. The teen’s face was buried deeper into Emma’s shoulder though from the small slither of skin Regina could see, Henry was blushing. “I think your stomach asking for food” Emma joked lightly causing Henry to pull away. He gave her a watery smile, though his face still shone with embarrassment.

Regina jumped up almost rushing towards the discarded bags from the diner. Providing for her family, that she could do. She couldn’t stop the upcoming storm, or stop the Earth from orbiting the Sun but she could warm up a double burgers and potions of fries so her family didn’t go without. That she could do. “Come on kid let’s go downstairs” Emma said ushering Henry from the foot of the bed, one arm still across his shoulders holding him close. Though for his benefit or Emma’s, Regina wasn’t sure. Both was defiantly an option.

“No. Stay here I’ll go warm them up. We can eat it in bed” Regina supplied as she started to leave out of the door she left open. Turning when she got no reply she saw a raised eyebrow from both of them that made her smile. Henry in that moment was a perfect replica of his mother and the sight of it made her smile and heart thump erratically in her chest. Their perfect carbon copy. “Just this once” she added with a smirk and saw Emma’s own smile spread across her face; which did nothing for her irregular heartbeat.

“Er…can I just have the fries?”  Emma asked a moment later and that beautiful smile faltering before the blonde’s eye level crashed down to the ground completely. She saw the same rouge tint in the blonde’s cheeks she’d seen in their son’s. Yet another reminder of how similar the mother and son duo she loved so much were.

“Sure” Regina replied in what she hoped was a reassuring manner. She knew food was a difficult and unpredictable thing with Emma at the moment. Henry looked at Emma with confused but didn’t thankfully did not comment.

“Just not feeling all that hungry. Probably that huge sandwich earlier” Emma added unnecessarily, though it was accompanied by what almost sounded like a genuine laugh. It took a moment but when Emma finally looked up Regina saw gratitude swimming in her eyes. What surprised her most however was it was Henry who spoke before she did.

“She was just trying to make you feel better” Henry said carefully, half turning towards his blonde mother.

“I know kid that’s not…” Emma breathed with a tone that clearly said she knew what he was going to say. Emma had been deflecting. Her comment had been ingest, but it was clear Henry had other ideas.

“No, when I’m sick Mom always makes me chicken soup because she says it has magical properties” Henry clarified.  The teen gave her a side way look as if checking whether chicken soup was in fact magic, which made her stomach vibrate with a silent chuckle; before he continued. “The sandwich was her chicken soup, so she was trying to look after you. It’s what moms do” Henry explained as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

Emma smiled at her son’s words. An actual real smile and Regina knew it was at the idea that she finally had a mother to “take care of her” as Henry had had. Something Emma had searched almost thirty years to get and had finally found. Regina knew and rightly so that Snow’s antics annoyed her blonde lover, but also knew that sometimes…just sometimes the pixie haired woman got it right. But she also saw it fall all too quickly and it was with what felt like a twisted knife to the gut she understood that too. No Chicken soup or sandwiches were going to keep Emma healthy, regardless of their “magical qualities”.

It took Emma a moment to recompose herself before the smile returned and her arm was placed once again around their son’s shoulders pulling him back into her in a half hug. “Yeah you’re right kid” Emma let out a slightly shuddering breath, the only evidence of the previous internal battle between Emma and her emotions. 

“Just fries is fine, dear. I’ll put the burger in the fridge…unless Henry wants it” Regina suggested trying to bring the conversation back to a manageable place. She heard Henry’s stomach rumble at the suggestion and fought back a smile.

“I’ll have it” Henry responded quickly and Regina knew the look she gave clearly said “I told you so” because Emma grinned but didn’t give her eye contact. Regina did however hear the small chuckle as she left the room.

* * *

 

Balancing three plates was more difficult that she had expected. Her hands were now in a position that she’d need to put them down to levitate them and as she was half way up the stairs there seemed little point. So she just had to keep her own Chicken Salad balanced between her chest and forearm while trying not to spill the contents of the two plates in her hand.

As she walked through the small hall she heard Emma’s carrying voice say “Yes, but you’ll have to ask your Mom”. Thankfully neither Emma or Henry had closed the door to the master bedroom making it much easier for the former Queen to enter without the hassle of trying to use the handle. Both Emma and Henry were sat at the head of the bed, legs stretched in front of them. Henry on Emma’s side and Emma on Regina’s. They had clearly left the space at the bottom for her. Today was the an endless game of musical bed sides and Regina kept losing.

“Ask me what?” Regina asked and watched with amusement as her family jumped, clearly they hadn’t heard her enter the room. It was Henry who recovered first as Regina took her allocated space on the large bed.

“Ma said we could watch movies and play games tomorrow. With ice cream in Pajamas” Henry explained sounding much more chipper than when she’d left. It was something she was thankful for. The look on Emma’s face clearly said she wasn’t her who had suggested any of this but the normality of their son’s pleading eyes and Emma’s astonished expression made Regina cave instantly. Maybe they all needed a day to relax and just spend time together in their little unit. Just them.

“I suppose” Regina drawled as if it was a hardship to spend the day curled up with the people she loved most as they did very little but watch movies. She handed the plates to their respective owners and was further amused by the fact Henry instantaneously started eating.  “Though we don’t have ice cream…I’ve got to go collect the car from Granny’s and I could get some then” she continued seeing Henry’s grin at getting his own way slip slightly in the place of confusion.

“Collect the car?” the boy asked. Of course he had been too distraught to realise Emma had contacted her to come back home so quickly.

“I was about to drive back when I got your mother’s text. It was quicker just to poof back here” the former Mayor explained. She was thankful when Henry simply nodded taking another bite of his burger. Sitting on the bottom of the bed felt weird. But it also felt domestic to have Emma half laid, half sat on her side of the bed while Henry was sprawled on Emma’s side. Emma stretched her legs out further so the bottom half of her calf and feet came in contact with Regina’s crossed legs. It almost felt as if Emma needed contact of some sort. Despite her voice breaking and having tears in eyes several times, Emma wasn’t breaking. If a simply touch was enough, Regina would allow it willingly. She also knew once Henry went to bed, she needed to hold Emma. Emma probably needed it too, but Regina wanted to hold her close. Her skin was itching to do it now and had been since the moment she entered the house and heard their son’s broken sobs.

Emma was picking at her fries; Regina doubted she’d eat much. Regina wasn’t doing much better with her salad. It had wilted slightly with the heat of Emma and Henry’s meals. Her stomach was churning despite the slightly more relaxed atmosphere in the room.  The blonde kept looking over at Henry waiting for him to say something, and if Regina was honest she did she. Clearly sensing his mothers’ attention on him he finally asked, “Your Mom said you had an operation?”

It was evident by the Emma’s knitted brow that, that wasn’t the first question she had expected out of Henry’s mouth. How much had their son heard? She couldn’t really scold the boy for wanting to know more about something his grandparents had said, but Emma was right he…and she shouldn’t have been listening. But moreover what had Snow and Charming been discussing in the kitchen? It was something which had clearly told Henry enough to upset him but not enough so knew everything.

“I did. About three months ago to try and take as much as they could out” Emma explained softly, her head lowered in their son’s direction. Both it felt were waiting  for Henry’s reaction on baited breath, but all he did was nod. “Got a scar if you wanna feel it” Emma suggested her tone slightly lighter and Regina saw their son’s eyes light up at the prospect. That kid was an odd individual and Emma seemed to know all his weird quirks. 

“Cool” the teen exclaimed wiping his hands on trousers. Regina grimaced at the action; at least he wasn’t rubbing grease into his birth mother’s hair. Their son was hesitant though despite his excitement because he didn’t know where it was. Emma guided his hand into her mop of messy blonde hand. Regina watched him flinch on contact but then he went back unaided just as she had done. “That’s so gross” Henry exclaimed loudly. She wanted to reprimand him but Emma’s smile at their son’s face was enough to stop it. It certainly wasn’t “gross”. It was precious and now part of Emma and Regina loved it. She was thankful to that scar, without it Emma wouldn’t be here today.

“Yep” was all Emma said, though her tone carried clear amusement at their son antics.

“So cool” Henry continued and Regina saw her love’s eyes roll dramatically.

“Ok-ay” Emma exclaimed leaning back slightly only Henry didn’t relent his exploration of Emma’s scalp.

“I’ve got a photo of when I first had it done in one of my boxes; I’ll show it to you tomorrow if you want?” Emma suggested and once again the boy’s eyes lit up.

“Yeah!” he exclaimed again. Emma was obviously the cooler Mom at the moment. Regina shook her head in disbelief as Henry moved back to his place on Emma’s side, his plate in his hand again. “That is totally gross” Henry voiced again and Regina found she was a little upset by Henry’s description of Emma’s literal lifesaving operation and scar marring her skin.

Emma however merely nodding in agreement and Regina was hit with the realisation that maybe Emma believed her new donned scar was in fact “gross”. She’d told her quite the opposite the previous evening and would tell her again repeatedly until it finally sunk it. Emma was just as beautiful as she had always been. No scar would ever change that. Not ever. Emma however continued her voice as soft and clear as ever Regina had heard her use, “Without it though I wouldn’t be sitting here”. Regina watched as Henry’s smile fell a little. Hearing Emma voice the very thoughts that had been bombarded her, sickens Regina as she tries to force her chicken salad down.

“Then it’s not so gross” Henry amended apologetically. He looked relieved when Emma breathes a small chuckle. His mother was clearly not offended by his remark.

“Thanks” Emma added kindly.

“Do…we know when?”  Henry asked, turning his head completely to look at his birthmother. It took a moment for Regina to realise what he meant. Did they know when Emma would going to die? The fact he said “we” hurt even more. Because they were a “we”. They’d been a “we” for almost two years. As they had fought over what to have for dinner or what movie to watch. As they built snowmen in winter and sand castles in summer. As they planned for the future and now waiting for Emma’s cancer to take her. They’d been a “we” for so long and yet it had never hurt before.

“Not really” Emma explained warily as Henry finished his first burger. It was clearly from Emma’s tone and taut expression this was what she had been expecting him to ask. She supposed people who knew about Emma’s condition did ask for her prognosis. It seemed both Regina and Henry were not “normal” people. She had begged Emma to tell her it wasn’t true. After all it had sounded like a cruel joke, it still did. Regina wished once again that she had been there for her son when he had found out. That she knew what his first words had been upon hearing the news. It did very little to change how things were now. She was here for her son when he needed her, but she knew in those moments after Emma had told her that her life had crumbled to dust around her.

“So it could be ages off?” Henry asked hopefully starting his second burger. There was a moment. One in which Regina’s heart clenched. She couldn’t even say something to help as she felt her windpipe contract at the pain expression on Emma’s face and their little boy’s optimism.

“Henry … at most it’s about a year” Emma explained intoned and Regina heard the emotion catch in her love’s throat. A sensation Regina knew all too well as it was all but suffocating her. Henry turned his head fast, his face contorted in shock. He looked fearful and he chewing his mouthful faster so he was able to talk. “A year?” he asked, his voice broken. “At most” Regina added internally, though Emma simply nodded. Henry’s mouth simply hung open only closing a few times as if he was trying to say something but didn’t know what to say. It was how Regina had felt since last night. Almost as if she could just say something. One thing and it would be all okay. As if Emma would simply laugh and exclaim she’d only been joking. Except it was happening.

“I’m still going to go to see Whale, and maybe see if your Mom, Mr Gold and I can find something that might help me” Emma reassured and Regina felt a feeling she couldn’t really describe. Euphoria at hearing Emma’s words. Words that meant Emma wasn’t giving up and was willing to get help. To fight. Even if it meant working with Gold, Regina would pay their price if it meant saving Emma. But she couldn’t deny the feeling of dread either. It slithered beneath her skin, crushing her heart just enough to feel the agony but not enough to kill. Just enough that the breath that left her lungs burnt as she considered the other possibility. Rumple had tried. The Dark One had tried and failed to help Emma, how could they add to his power? How could they help? What if they never found anything? It would be then her fault if Emma died.

“We’re not giving up, okay?” Emma reassured their teen son, and Regina was pleasantly surprised to see Emma’s eyes rise to her own momentarily. She was reassuring her too. Henry nodded, finally continuing to eat his second burger. “Sometimes I forget things. Names of things, people that kind of thing” Emma explained as she picked at her fries again before placing a few into her mouth. “At breakfast I forgot the name for knife” Emma continued her tone suggesting it was the funniest thing in the world. It wasn’t. Emma looked over at Regina with an apologetic smile. She understood the blonde was trying to make it easier to swallow for their young son, but didn’t make the situation any easier or lighter for her. “So at times you’ve got to be a little careful with me okay?” the former Sheriff murmured quietly.

Henry nodded again but he seemed to be really considering his mother’s words. “I don’t do it on purpose though” Emma stated, and the brunette heard the tell-tale sign of a small crack in the other woman’s voice. Regina thought about Emma’s confession that Emma at times forgot about Henry. It wasn’t her fault, but she knew Emma was preparing him for the possibility. How do you explain to your child that one day you might wake up and not know who they were? That the life you’ve shared together might just fall out of your head? “But if I do you’ve got to give me a little time to try and remember but if I can’t you can tell me. Whatever it is, even if you’re upset or you think I might be. It will be a really big help. Okay?” Emma finished as she swept Henry’s hair out of his face. Neither Emma nor Henry broke eye contact.

“Okay Ma. We can help each other” Henry replied.  Her little boy looked so sadly back at his birthmother and despite the saddened smile gracing Emma’s lips she can see the appreciation glistening in Emma’s eyes. She was still his “Ma” and to Regina and Henry she always would be. She did not need to remember them or be with them; she would always be Henry’s mother. Nothing would change that, not ever. Silent filled the room as Emma looked over at her with a look Regina couldn’t define. Worry, love, dedication and determination seemed to beam across at her, filling Regina with the same rush of emotions on top of her own. There was that “we” once again. They weren’t going to give up.  They were going to fight.

“Did you have to have Chemotherapy?” Henry asked, pulling the two women out of their silent conversation. Chemotherapy was a word she never thought she’d hear from her young son’s mouth. She never thought it would faze her live never mind graze her son’s lips.

“I had _Radio_ therapy” Emma clarified gently.  “But we think my magic stopped it from working, and then they tried Chemotherapy yes” Emma continued with a small nod of her head. The boy just seemed to stare back at her, almost as if he like she, was absorbing very scrap of information he could. Emma was being honest with Henry without going into too many gruesome details. Regina had been fretting all day about what they were going to tell him and then it hit her like a tonne of bricks that Emma had been doing the same thing for months. Though it seemed Emma had managed to decide because she seemed so strong and certain. Regina could also tell that Emma had practiced and over thought every type of question their son could ask her.

“They didn’t work” Henry said. It was a statement, not a question. The tone in which her son spoke, frightened her slightly. It seemed to almost instantly lose its young charm, and had hardened; thick upon the air.

“No kid they didn’t” Emma confirmed sadly but once again all Henry did was nod. His eating had slowed once more, though all he had left were his fries, both burgers had been eaten. Regina kept trying to catch Emma’s eye, but the blonde seemed to be determined not to catch it. She was solely occupied by their clearly troubled son.

“Because of your magic?” Henry asked as if trying to ensure he understood exactly what was being shared with him. Regina knew that feeling too. It took a moment for Emma to answer the question. Regina felt Emma’s calf being pushed into Regina’s thigh. Despite not looking at her, Emma was seeking further comfort and reassurance from her. Regina took a hold of the nearest leg, rubbing small circles in the flesh she found under the Pajama bottoms, near the blonde’s ankle. Henry didn’t seem to notice. He was simply staring at his birthmother as if daring her to tell him what he was saying was true.

“I think Radiotherapy was being blocked by my magic, but I don’t know. Chemotherapy didn’t…it didn’t make me feel very well and because it wasn’t working they stopped it” Emma explained. Regina was thankful Emma had dumbed down her explanation for their son. She had had little ability to keep up with all the medical jargon Emma had fired at her the previous evening; Henry would stand even less of a chance.  Regina remembered the Chemotherapy medicine had made Emma’s dwindling appetite become non-existent and lead to her getting an infection which made her need to be hospitalised once again.  Though, and she was thankful for it, Emma declined to share that extra information.

Henry placed his plate upon the bed without an indication of understanding. Though Regina knew he did as he seemed to almost shrink before her eyes.  Looking up towards Emma she saw the same look on confusion upon her face she felt within her chest at the boy’s reaction.

“Henry?” Emma asked softly.

There was a moment of silence before the boy asked again, “Your magic stopped it?”

“I think so. Mr Gold thinks it too” Emma confirmed and Regina was momentarily surprised that Rumple had backed Emma’s belief as to why the treatment had not worked. It did very little to lift her hopes and spirits that maybe…just maybe they’d find a cure.  She watched as Henry’s bottom lip quivered, though no tears fell. Regina had been wrong, this is what it felt like to have your heart ripped out and squeezed in front of you. To watch her son break and be able to do very little to help.

“You didn’t have magic before you came to Storybrooke” Henry stated and Regina felt her own brow furrow. 

“I didn’t know I had it, no” the other woman confirmed slowly clearly trying to catch up to where Henry’s mind had taken him.

“If you hadn’t come here you wouldn’t have access to your magic. If I hadn’t come to Boston it might have worked” Henry explained sadly. No guiltily, and Regina felt her stomach drop. “Henry…” Regina breathed. Not once did she think Henry might blame himself. How could it be his fault? She saw Henry’s lip quiver again as felt her own shaken breath rack through her lungs as it tore everything in its path to be released.

“No Henry” the other woman exhaled just as she had done, though Emma’s carried even more anguish than she felt. Emma put her barely touched plate on Regina’s bedside table before turning back to their son.  Henry had lowered his head so deeply his chin was almost touching his chest. “Don’t think that for even one second” Emma continued her voice much more stead and firm this time as took hold of the teen. His head buried into Emma’s chest as the blonde clung onto him, keeping him in place. Regina moved Henry’s plate so she could take a hold of part of the boy. His knee was closest though she didn’t relinquish her hold on Emma’s ankle. It was about Henry and Emma now, not her.        

“It’s not your fault” Emma said, holding the boy’s face to her own. She was looking him dead in the eye. He could not move, nor look away. “It’s not your fault” Emma repeated again, her voice cracking when the teen nodded into her hand. Emma’s fingers thread themselves through Henry’s hair as she pulled him close again. Despite Henry’s agreement that he was not to blame, the fact he even thought he might be would ever haunt Regina’s soul. Her little boy was not meant to assume he had a hand in his birthmother’s death. Henry was meant to be true and pure. Not tainted and unsure. He and Emma were even meant to be broken.

“I’ve always had magic, I just didn’t know it. When you were born I caused a power surge that blew every light and security door in the place” Emma added with a small chuckle into the dark hair she had nuzzled her face into.

“Really?” Regina asked instantly surprised. It just occurred to Regina that despite talking about Henry and how Emma had felt about giving him up, they’d never really talked about his birth itself.

“Yeah. They had backup generators but it was quite impressive” the blonde replied, her voice still muffled by their hair she was directing her speech into.  Regina heard Henry’s small laugh from the mess of his other mother’s limbs. Emma’s chuckle, before her face became serious again. “So whether I came here or not, it wouldn’t have worked. It’s not your fault, right?” Emma said firmly thought not without love.

“Yeah” Henry said, though Regina could barely hear it.

“Imagine if you hadn’t come and got me” Emma supplied carefully and though Regina couldn’t see the boy’s face she could tell by his demeanour he was listening completely to his mother. Regina once had dreamt of little else. She had wanted Emma Swan gone from her town and her presence in life had simply infuriated her. Now the mere thought of it seemed impossible, and physically hurt her heart to even consider it. She didn’t know how she could survive without the woman she had once sought to get rid of all those years ago.

“If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have you and your Mom. Or my parents. Henry I wouldn’t give any of this up for anything” Emma continued and Regina felt the sting of tears in her eyes. Tears she would not let fall, despite the fact they seemed to all but burn her tender eyes. Henry moved to sit up and Regina could see the tears had fallen now. She could see dark patches on Emma’s top from their son’s tears. “You gave me everything I’d ever wished for” the blonde hushed making Regina’s heart swell with the love she felt for the woman in front her. Regina remembered Emma confiding in her, her wish over a cupcake. Henry really had given her everything she had ever wished for. For both of his mothers.

Henry smiled and Regina couldn’t help but tightening her grip upon the teen’s knee with an affectionate squeeze. “Me too” Regina interjected smiling at her son and partner. She took great pleasure in the slight pink tint in their cheeks. Henry rolled his eyes despite smiling, while Emma simply sighed. Despite the noise that escaped Emma’s pink gnawed lips she saw appreciation reflecting back at her.

Henry moved his plate of half eaten fries to Emma’s bedside table, and Regina like the other two found she couldn’t stomach anymore. Her plate was placed upon the floor. “So you aren’t leaving again?” she heard Henry ask as she straightened herself back into a sitting position. Henry was looking at his birth mother, and she at him.

“No kid, I’m here to stay” Emma replied honestly. Was Henry angry at Emma leaving? He hadn’t been, but now he knew the truth would he be? Regina, herself had felt strong emotions during Emma’s time away. Strong, definite feelings. Those she’d felt since last night were not any weaker but they were certainly less stable. She felt herself flip flopping from emotion to emotion. It was exhausting.

“Good” Henry countered with a firm nod of his head. Maybe he was just too relieved. Maybe it would come later. It had for Regina. Though she knew more than Henry. Maybe it would never come for their son. Part of her hoped the latter would be true. She didn’t want their young son to ever be angry at his mother. Not when their time was decreasing so rapidly. 

Henry flopped down again, and Emma just watched him. The look upon her face was one only a mother could wear. She understood Emma had little resources when Henry was born, and providing for a young baby would have been hard; but she struggled to see why Emma had ever doubted her maternal ability. The base of Henry’s feet were resting against Regina’s legs. Emma lay down beside him again, flat on her back. Wordlessly Henry shuffled over closer to his birth mother, causing Emma to have to move sideward too.

Henry patted the space he’d just vacated.  There was no way Regina could lie on her back like the other two but she joined them anyway, lying on her side so she could watch her love and their son. She saw as both Emma and Henry looked up to the ceiling as if they could see the stars. Just as they had done shortly after Emma moved in with them. Regina’s first birthday with them being a couple and a family had found them wrapped up in what felt like every piece of clothing they each owned as they had gazed at the stars in the garden. It was one of many of Regina favourite memories she would never forget.

“So were the stories you told your mom not true?” Henry asked and Regina could help but braced herself once again, maybe things were clicking into place inside Henry’s head.

“They were true. Just from when I was a Bail bondsperson before Storybrooke” Emma explained turning towards Henry’s prone position. Regina could see Emma’s face had significantly relaxed within their time in their bedroom. It certainly seemed Henry had calmed, though it still caused her insides to ache at the thought her little boy thought he might be to blame for his birthmother’s demise.

“Even the one where you broke a guy’s nose and knocked him out with his own steering wheel?” Henry asked looking once again extremely impressed with his other mother. Regina lifted her head up to rest on her raised arm with that she hoped was look of disbelief on her face and aimed it straight at Emma. Both at the fact that this story could be true and she’d told Snow, knowing the pixie haired woman would tell their son.

Emma looked nonplussed back at her answering simply “Yes…actually that was the night you came to Boston”. She couldn’t resist raising her eyebrow in surprise at that one. An expression which earned her a slight smug smile.

“That’s so cool” Henry exclaimed turning to face his birthmother. The teen let out a small huffed chuckle that instantly dissipated her feeling of annoyance at Emma’s foolhardy behaviour and attitude in her previous job.

 “I was pretending to go on a blind date with a guy who’d embezzled money from his employer, when he realised who I was he ran” Emma explained somewhat excitedly and Regina saw the sparkle back within the guarded eyes. She knew in that moment whether Regina approved or not, Emma felt like Henry’s hero again. “He made some…comments about me. I just got mad and yeah smacked his face off his steering wheel” Emma continued, only this time with hand movements.

This time she did not even fight the urge to shoot Emma a look of pure and undiluted disapproval. She did not care if she did not know Emma yet, she could have been hurt. Furthermore she probably shouldn’t be telling their son about her antics, though who was she kidding; she was the former Evil Queen. It didn’t mean she had to stop being worried for Emma and her wellbeing, despite knowing the events under discussion were a shadow of the past.

Henry kept asking more questions and Emma simply answered every question aimed at her. The trio found themselves laughing at the stupid things defendants did to try and worm their way out of paying Emma. Regina found herself being pulled in and once again hearing the story of a man trying to run away down an alley away from her.  That too ended in broken bones though most of them were Emma’s, Henry hadn’t managed to get that far in the story before she had snapped at him over dinner that night. Regina dreaded to think what she would have felt if Henry had finished the story. She already had sleepless night worrying about Emma, but to hear what she and Henry would believe were multiple broken bones would have drove her insane with worry.

Emma explained how one of the men she’d tailed had ended up climbing out of a second floor window in order to escape her, only to be caught by the police in only a towel and being rearrested. His mistress had been also selling drugs out of her apartment. What a wonderful couple, Regina couldn’t help but feel sorry for the man’s wife. The more Emma talked the quieter Henry became simply engrossed in what Emma was saying. He seemed to think he was vicariously living through Emma’s experiences and needed to hear more, and had kept pleading to hear more and more stories.

However when Henry had not spoken for some time Regina moved to peer over their son to see the young teen had fallen asleep. Hardly surprising when the alarm clock over Emma’s shoulder stated it was just short of half past ten. “He’s been out for about ten minutes” Emma said with the same volume she’d been previously speaking. She supposed if they quietened their voices Henry might wake up. After the day they’d had maybe it was best to let him sleep and they could talk to him again tomorrow once he’d had time to process what he’d been told and had heard from his grandparents.

“Should we put him in his own bed?” Emma asked.

“Yes I think so” Regina said getting off the bed as carefully as she could as to not disturb the sleeping boy.

“There’s no way I can carry him anymore” Emma explained and Regina couldn’t help but wonder if Emma meant because their son had gotten so big or because of the slight frame. She didn’t ask. She didn’t want to know or consider the options. Both hurt to even contemplate.

“I can magic him there” Regina said with a small flick of her wrist and watched as Henry lifted slightly off the bed.

“I’ll take the plates down then” Emma said jumping up from the bed collecting the plates with much more skill than Regina had possessed bringing them upstairs. Her time as a waitress clearly showing and of great benefit.

Emma followed her out as she guided Henry as carefully as she could in front of her and was thankful to see the boy had left his bedroom door open so getting him inside wasn’t a problem. It was at the threshold of the teen’s room Emma and Regina parted ways.

She laid Henry upon his unmade bed, which made it much easier for the boy to cover himself over if he wanted to. The late June heat made it unnecessary for covers but Henry kept one of his bed just in case, much like his birth mother. She contemplating removing his shoes but that would only increase the likelihood of waking him. Placing a gentle kiss upon his brow, she left the room making sure to leave the door ajar in case Henry needed them.

Re-entering the master bedroom Regina changed into a clean set of pajamas. Despite it being late she knew it would be a long time before she slept, and suspected Emma would feel the same. She felt tired down to the core of her bones, but her brain was still too active. Henry would have so many more questions in the morning. She still did. She had questions she didn’t even know how to vocalise. Questions that weren’t answerable. The uncertainty crept under her skin and settled in her stomach. The feeling of foreboding. The feeling of anxiety. She was living on pure hope and adrenalin. It caused her gut to ache, head to throb and eyes to burn. She couldn’t however help the flutter of butterflies in her aching stomach or the feeling similar to a soothing balm against her tender heart; at the sound of a gentle chuckle from the woman she loved standing in the doorway.

 


	17. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down. *Established Swan Queen*

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

**Author** : Calliope-plantain

**Rating:**  M

**Pairing:** Regina/Emma

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

**Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

**Author's Note:** Trigger warning – discussion of abuse and rape. 

**Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she’s missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)

“What?” Regina breathed as the butterflies fluttered on, only to increase when she saw her lover’s grin.

“Nothing…just wondering what you’ve done to Regina Mills” Emma replied with her normal air of boldness which Regina hadn’t realised she’d been missing. Come to think of it, it had been absent from Emma’s demeanour and attitude long before the woman had left for Boston. The brunette couldn’t help but wonder when the cancer had started its attack on Emma’s life. If what Emma had said the previous evening was true then the disease had done so much damage before they’d even noticed the symptoms. Emma really hadn’t stood a chance. She wished more than anything that the smile playing Emma’s lips was enough to make her feel untouchable, just as it always had. Except either of them were. She’d bask in her love’s happiness though and whatever was producing that beautiful smile.

“Excuse me?” Regina quipped with a long drawl, rather impressed at how easy it was to fall back into their old roles. She saw the slight shake of Emma’s mop of golden hair before she stepped forward into the room.

“First dinner in bed and now you’re letting Henry sleep in his clothes _and_ without taking off his shoes…” Emma continued with the same expression of confidence her words had previously carried and yet Regina felt the fluttering in the pit of her stomach die away instantly. The sparkle in Emma’s eye which allowed the former Queen know the other woman was only joking did nothing to sooth the bitter taste in her mouth. Clearly unaware of Regina’s internal reaction Emma simple chuckled to herself as she walked to the foot of the bed.

 “I wasn’t aware helping your child to be disciplined was a bad thing…I’ll keep that in mind however” Regina bite back and she saw Emma’s eyes widen in shock. It was a painful reminder that once again it was up to her and her alone to raise their son. Emma had said Regina would treat her differently once she knew of her aliment and now it seemed she was being scolded for treating Henry different too. She had simply thought a meal in the large bed would have been nice…another family memory for her and Henry to cherish once Emma was gone. It had enabled Henry to ask questions he might not had felt able had they moved their sensitive conversation elsewhere. Did it really make her a bad mother for not wanting to wake her son by insisting he remove his shoes and clothing in favour for his evening wear? She certainly hadn’t thought so.

“Regina I didn’t mean it like that. I was joking” Emma pleaded and it instantly reminded Regina of the arguments they had had in the month leading to Emma’s departure. Emma would say or do something to upset her, and Regina would react only for Emma to turn into an apologetic mess. She didn’t want to fight with Emma, she really didn’t. So why was it so easy to do so? Why was it so easy for Emma to provoke a reaction and why was it so easy for Regina to provide one?

“Hilarious…” Regina replied with what she knew was her most deadpan tone though it still carried enough sharpness that she knew Emma would feel it. She knew it would annoyed Emma but at least they weren’t shouting at one another. It wouldn’t do well to wake their son by having an argument about not wanting to wake him.

“Regina…” Emma pleaded again. Regina really was going to be alone again. Parents no matter their child’s age worry about their disciple. Are they being too strict or too lenient? Should their punishment be more severe or are you expecting too much from them? It was something Regina had had to worry about less for the last two years. The two women had been a united front and had discussed the fairest punishments for their son’s rule breaking behaviours.

She had had someone to support her and now…Emma was leaving her again. It did not matter whether the former sheriff wanted to or even had any control over it happening. Regina felt angry at Emma. Anger she knew was misplaced and irrational because she knew the other woman did not want to leave them. Emma did not want to leave Regina alone to raise their son and yet she was doing just that.

Regina moved to sit upon the bed. Apparently they were just going to go to sleep, because she couldn’t do this right now. She couldn’t have yet another argument. She was too emotionally exhausted to fight with Emma. Just too damn tired. She just wanted to lie with her love and feel her beside her. Feel her heartbeat and feel her breath against her skin, but instead she saw Emma’s frightened eyes looking directly at her which she desperately tried to avoid. How can you tell someone you’re angry at them for stealing away your future when they have just as little control over it as you do?

“I never said it was a bad thing. There's grounding your kid for not doing homework and then there’s like… forcing their head under water when they…” Emma said her tone almost imploring Regina to understand her ill worded and timed joke. It took a moment to register what the other woman was saying, but when it did Regina felt her heart plummet to the pit of her stomach.

“What?” Regina asked, her head shooting up effectively cutting Emma’s desperate explanation off instantly. All anger dissipated as she saw the moment the blonde realised her slip as the jarred eyes widened however her lips did not offer a further clarification. If anything Emma’s shocked expression seemed to only deepen and Regina felt the fluttering feeling return to her gut, only this time it felt as if bats had taken up resident in the butterflies’ stead.

“Emma?” the former Mayor breathed wanting some sort of comfort for Emma’s words; only the other woman’s shrug did not offer any.

“I heard it happens to some kids in the system” Emma explained a little too coolly. Clearly sensing  Regina did not believe her obvious and over the top dismissal Emma turned and walked into the bathroom without looking back. Regina could only sit opened mouthed at what she could only assume was Emma’s confession. A foster parent had held Emma’s head under water as a form of punishment. Water Regina now heard running from the room Emma hadn’t closed the door to.  

Regina followed the other woman without thought, without a plan of how she was going to handle this. Why had Emma never told her this before? She knew some of Emma’s foster parents had been less than decent. Emma had confided in her as much, but she had never said anything about physical abuse. How could someone do that to a defenceless child they were put in charge of?

Clearing the threshold she was greeted by the sight of Emma brushing her teeth and looking rather pissed off. It took a moment for Emma to notice Regina in the reflection of the glass in front of her. The look of anger did not lessen, though the clear look of vulnerability she’d seen in Emma’s eyes only moments ago seemed to intensify and it was aimed just at her.  

“What?” Emma said powerfully around a mouth full of toothbrush and toothpaste foam. She wasn’t going to back down. Maybe she should, she didn’t know; but she wasn’t going to let the other woman put her walls back up. She wanted an explanation. She wanted Emma to deny her suspicions. She wanted her to sooth the fast rising guilt she felt at yet another thing she had made Emma endure when she had cast the curse.

“Please don’t lie to me. What did you mean?” Regina pleaded the woman’s reflection but instead of answers all she received was an image of Emma spitting out toothpaste. The green eyes did not even rise to meet her own. It was answer enough, and sickened her to her stomach at the thought of Emma going through anything like she’d described. Cora had controlled Regina with magic, but it was still abuse. She had been heartless, what was these foster parents’ excuse?

“You didn’t hear about it did you?" Regina asked softly despite knowing the answer. She watched as Emma clutched the basin in front of her and wanted so badly to spin the blonde around so she could hold her tightly. So tightly nothing else could hurt the woman she loved. She wished she could so damn hard it hurt.

“The last foster family I was with was…super religious. The Mom thought she could “cleanse” the kids of their sins by holding them under the water” Emma explained her voice so quiet and yet in the emptiness of the bathroom is seemed to echo deafeningly.

“Did she do it to you?” Regina asked gently, hoping that just maybe Emma hadn’t had to go through such a horrific ordeal. The foster mother could have drowned them with her barbaric method.

“What does it matter?” Emma spat, pushing her palms down so vehemently Regina heard the sink groan against the force of it. “It was almost fourteen years ago” Emma continued before throwing the toothbrush she’d been holding tightly in her hand into the basin. The small brush only clattered loudly before bouncing out of the sink and falling to the ground; only Emma didn’t see as she stormed passed the stunned brunette. Regina supposed Emma’s reaction was her unwanted answer. This foster mother had indeed nearly drowned her partner when she was a child. The older woman chanced a look at toilet as she felt the vomit rise in her throat. She would not be sick. This was about Emma; she would not make it about herself.

Once again she followed her fleeing lover only this time Emma was laid upon her own side of the bed. She was laid almost completely flat, only her head and shoulders were slightly elevated by her pillows.

 “Emma…” Regina said desperately wanting to offer something, anything that would make what her partner had gone through and was now going through better. Anything to make it better, only to find there was nothing that could be done. The brunette however was surprised to hear the blonde answer her question anyway.

“Once...I came home late. She decided my friends were a bad influence and I...was dirty and it was her duty to help me become clean.” The blonde explained quietly, though if Regina hadn’t been able to see Emma balling the sheet beneath her with her hands, she might have said telling the ordeal was emotionless. Emma’s face showed no emotion what so ever, just the slightly faltering voice and creased bedding showed Regina just how painful it really was.

Regina sat on her side of the bed, beside her lover, wanting so badly to entwine their legs as they often did while in bed together. Emma however did not look at her but instead choose to look up at the bare ceiling just as she and Henry had done. Regina couldn’t take her eyes off the blonde as she felt her own heart ache at the other woman’s admission. What that woman did…what that woman who had been put in charge of these children’s care had done to them was sickening. What Emma had endured at this woman’s hand was abhorrent.

“Did you tell anyone?” Regina asked quietly lifting herself so her head and torso were higher than Emma’s. She just wanted to see her. Emma still did not look at her though. Regina gripped the hand she felt come to rest in hers however. 

“There wasn’t anyone to tell, not anyone who’d listen anyway” the other woman explained and Regina saw the slightly lined face of her lover slacken. She watched as the blank eyes seemed to fill with a mix of emotions, and Regina realised maybe this was Emma’s story. The story she didn’t tell anyone lightly. Regina’s had been her relationship with Daniel and the aftermath of his death. She had held it in for decades only to entrust Emma with it, knowing she’d treasure it. Only Emma had known how precious a gift it was and difficult it was she share. Maybe Emma was realising she could share her secrets too.

“Foster kids are more trouble than their worth. You told on your foster parents and you just ended up back in the system. It was easier to get the kids out than to do something about the parents” Emma explained while the hand not trapped in Regina’s waved vaguely as such was one of Emma’s nervous habits. “There was never much evidence, their words against ours. Who’d believe us?” Emma finished sadly and Regina couldn’t help but feel outraged because she knew Emma was right.

“But they shouldn’t have been allowed to get away with it” Regina said angrily. For a moment she considering if she was talking loud enough for Henry to hear. She highly doubted it because that boy could sleep through almost anything. She could feel the anger and hatred pulsing through her veins at the injustice foster children like Emma have had to endure. People knew what was happening to these children and did nothing to stop it. They were just as much to blame as the parents because they were the ones that put children in their care despite knowing what they had done in the past. They had made the children feel it was their fault and shipped them off to other family as punishment for telling of their abusive parents. It was cruel.

“One of the kids I was with did report the Andersons. Not because of Mrs Anderson but …her husband” Emma admitted and Regina noticed her volume had lessened once again while her body seemed to go almost rigid beside her. Emma was afraid of her reaction. Emma’s fright made Regina terrified.

“Why what did he do?” Regina breathed, wondering if this was a question she wanted to the answer to. She could hear her heartbeat in her ears and feel it in her chest. Both seemed to increase tenfold the longer it took Emma to answer. The blonde was simply lying there with her lips parted slightly, clearly unsure of how to answer Regina’s question. The urge to be sick was still ever present.

“He was always a bit of a creep. Looking places he shouldn’t, but one night…” Emma explained finally breaking her silence and almost possibly Regina’s hand.

“Emma!” Regina exclaimed both at her words and the pain shooting through hand. The grip instantly loosened and Regina had to make a grab for the blonde’s retracted hand before Emma pulled it away completely. There was a moment of silence before Emma turned to look at her finally. The brunette couldn’t pinpoint the emotion pooling in the dark eyes but she felt her stomach all but drop out of her body at the look. What had that scum done to her love? Why had Emma never told her about this family before? Regina had been honest about her marriage to the King and while Emma did not know nor did she need to know all the details she knew enough. Enough to know what their marriage had been like. Why had Emma not told Regina what this man had done? The former Queen felt her anger and hatred surge from within. The surge to rip this man limb from limb. She wanted to reach out and touch Emma. She wanted more contact than simply holding hands could offer but she guessed the move would only cause the blonde to retreat.

“Just after I turned seventeen I decided to stay out with some friends and Lizzie…the girl I was sharing a room with. She got the worst of the Mrs Anderson’s "baptisms" because she always came home late and would hang out with this bunch of guys” Emma explained, her brow furrowing more deeply as she continued. “But she decided she’d cover for me. So she got into my bed so if Mrs Anderson came to check on us she’d see her bed was empty” the blonde continued and despite the fact Emma could no longer look her in the eye, Regina felt the other woman’s body leaning towards hers.

Emma’s tongue darted out to moisten her lips and Regina felt the hand in her own once again tighten its hold, though it was bearably so. The other woman took a moment to recouple her thoughts and decide how to proceed before she carried on. “At the time there was only Lizzie, me, Tim and this kid called Jessica. Me and Tim had been in a few homes together so he was always looking out for me, and then Lizzie and Jess but he was only sixteen” Emma explained her eyes narrowing dramatically and Regina felt her bottom lip quiver ever so slightly. So slightly she wasn’t even certain it had definitely happened. But she felt the tug in her chest at Emma’s expression. It was the expression of blame. Whatever she was about to say…and Regina had a fair idea of where the story was going, Emma blamed herself. “Mr Anderson came into our room…he was drunk and we’d heard him hitting Mrs Anderson in the past but he’d never come after us” Emma finished and Regina heard the almost defensive tone in Emma’s voice, though what she was defending she wasn’t sure.

“Did he…was she…” Regina asked trying to say the word that left a bitter taste in her mouth and made her inside churn.

“He raped her” Emma confirmed with a small nod, before letting her eyes travel upwards to meet Regina’s. She wished she had something to say. Something which could erase the past but even the magical avenues in time travel hadn’t been ventured down before, not by anyone. If she could, she’d stop that sickening scum from ever hurting that girl. She supposed if she had that power maybe they’d have caught Emma’s illness in time.

“When I came back I found Lizzie and Jess crying in Tim’s room. Jess was about five…six. Both Lizzie and Jess were terrified. I don’t think Jess understood what had happened but she was scared” Emma explained and Regina was hit squarely by the sickening thought that maybe that little girl had been in the room when Emma’s foster father had done what he did. Her stomach churned and she had to bite her tongue in the hope it would stop her late meal from reappearing. “We all slept in Tim’s room that night though I don’t think any of us really slept. The Anderson’s never came to check on us so we didn’t get caught” Emma explained and Regina was surprised to see Emma turn her entire body towards her.

If Emma hadn’t been out it might have been her, the foul, disgusting excuse of man might have gone after. She could see that knowing and understanding in Emma’s eyes too and knew it was burden the young woman had been carrying for almost a decade and half. If Regina was honest with herself she felt relieved. Relieved her love hadn’t had to suffer what that man had done to Lizzie, but also guilt for feeling so relived. That poor girl. She’d been even younger still than Regina had been when she was married off to the king. No one at any age should have to endure that, but being so young…so innocent made it much harder to stomach. She could see a teenage boy who in her mind’s eye looked exactly like Henry lying awake watching over his foster sisters as they tried to sleep. This family who was meant to look after these children had all but ruined four children’s lives and god only knows how many others before and after.

“The next day when we were at school I was called to the Principal's Office and was told that Tim had reported what happened and had taken Lizzie to the school nurse. We had to give statements to the police and were removed from the house that night. Tim got us out” the other woman explained and Regina heard the awe in which her lover talked about this boy. He had probably saved them all. If that man had thought he’d gotten away with it, god knows what he might have done to the rest of the girls. It was with a sick but deserved satisfaction Regina considered the Andersons’ fate. She did not know much about this world but she from what she had learnt no one liked those who hurt children, not even criminals. She couldn’t help but wonder what happened to them in jail.

“I ran away the day after. I couldn’t go to another home. I had less than a year left in the system before I was aged out anyway. What did a few months matter?” Emma finished and Regina was once again surprised to feel the blonde’s torso and legs pressed into her own. The brunette wasted no time in tangling her legs with Emma’s and felt the other woman fall forward, into her frame even more.

“I can’t even... It wasn’t your fault you know” Regina said hoping to reassure the woman she could see was fighting her emotions. Her response was an eye roll, but Regina could see it was meant to stop forming tears from falling. It didn’t work.

“As I said it was like fourteen years ago. I never saw Lizzie, Jess or Tim again” Emma explained pulling their hands free of one another Regina was thankful for because despite needing the closeness with her lover she could feel her hand falling sleep from Emma lying on it.

“Did you never look them up?” Regina asked rather surprised that Emma hadn’t tried to find out what had happened to her foster siblings that she shared such a horrible experience with. More so since Emma had always claimed one of her talents was finding people.

“I tried for a bit when I got out of jail but…I mean if Lizzie or Jess got married or changed their names for protection I’d never have found them. Just decided maybe it was best to keep it in the past” Emma clarified with a sad smile.  She knew Emma had had a hard time in life but this…she never imagined any of this.

“I can’t believe someone would do that to a child. When I adopted Henry it was because I wanted to a child, someone to love. I could never…” Regina stammered in disbelief. The thought sickened her. She could never do what either of those parents did to any of their foster children. She was Henry’s mother it was her job to protect him. To love him and ensure his safety at all times.

“Not everyone is so lucky to end up with such a great Mom” Emma stated, and the firmness of it amazed her. There was neither over the top declarations nor a big song and dance. Just the simple statement and it threw Regina more than she knew how to handle or express. She had not always done right by their son, but she had already tried and seeing the admiration reflected in Emma’s eyes was truly awe inspiring. She did not want to go on raising Henry alone. Not without Emma, not again; but she saw the trust and belief in her, Regina. Emma believed she could do it.

“Most kids in the system are meal tickets. A way of getting some extra cash and as long as they stay out of the way and look presentable when Child Services come to check on them it didn’t really matter” Emma recommenced her story; her tone was clearly designed to make Regina understand. The problem being she understood exactly what Emma was saying, she just didn’t understand how people who had supposedly devoted their lives to rising parentless children did these types of things to them. She also didn’t understand how Emma could be so matter of fact about it. She did however understand, more than she ever had Emma’s reactions to her own parents. Emma and Snow’s dynamic made so much more sense, and Regina couldn’t help but wonder what she could have done to help it instead of feeling glee when Emma would shoot down Snow’s attempts at getting close to her daughter.

“How can parents treat their children like that?” Regina asked in disbelief.

“Not all of them did. I mean there were the bad ones like the Andersons” Emma answered though she had not really expecting an answer but was surprised when Emma offered one of sorts. Regina couldn’t help wonder what bad things had happened to Emma and other children at the hands of abusive foster families. “And there were the okay ones that didn’t really bother. Most of the time we were just happy to get the okay ones. But there were some good ones too” Emma finished with a slight smile and Regina fought the urge to jump when Emma’s hand came to rest upon her hip. It wasn’t lost on Regina that Emma was instigating the physical contact she’d wanted since she joined her lover to lay on the bed.

“Really?” Regina asked incredulous because she really was starting to doubt such families and homes existed.

“Yeah. I mean the Swans were great, and I did have a few good foster families. Parents who actually wanted to be parents and you know you had family meals together and they helped you with your homework” Emma explained and Regina could see the happiness painted upon her face. Memories, happy ones. The brunette couldn’t help but wonder if during Emma’s memory black-outs she lost these ones too.

Regina watched however as the younger woman’s face dropped, and the ever present lines marred her beautiful appearance once more. The fingertips that had taken residence on Regina’s hip sort to smooth out the creases in the silk. A welcome distraction as the silence that followed Emma’s last words seemed to engulf them. Almost a full minute passed before Emma spoke again, despite the former Queen’s attempt to catch her love’s eye and pull her from the memories that had followed her confession. “Those families just got less and less the older you got. People want a baby or child. They don’t want a teenager. They want someone they can help grow up they don’t want a kid that’s already formed and damaged” Emma explained solemnly her voice barely over a whisper.

“Emma that can’t be true” Regina responded feebly because the look on Emma’s face told her, her fight was pointless. She knew very little about this world while the former sheriff was well versed on the unspoken rules and expectations of this realm despite living in it for three decades.

“You adopted Henry when he was three weeks old” Emma stated matter of factly and the simplistic answer seemed to knock every ounce of oxygen from Regina’s lungs. Her brain wouldn’t form an answer and her lips simply opened as gasp; because Emma was right. While Regina had sort a child to love and look after, she had wanted a baby. Any child in the long run would have sufficed and she would have loved him or her just as she had Henry, but she had wanted to start from scratch. She had wanted to hold her baby in her arms, heard their first word, teach them to walk, run and sooth all illnesses and disciple all tantrums. She had wanted it all, to be a mother. She had been the very type of mother who would have left Emma in foster system.

Emma turned and shoved the pillows beneath her head slightly so she was still able to see and be seen by the brunette. “It’s not a bad thing. Believe me I’m not saying that at all. But it’s true it’s harder to be fostered never mind adopted the older you get” Emma continued with a saddened smile that did very little to ease the feeling of guilt Regina carried. Silence followed Emma last words as Regina found there were no words she could use to ease the pain of Emma’s past. All she could do was simply stare…she couldn’t even look the other woman in the eye. Part of Regina wanted to apologise. Apologise to Emma for all the foster parents who’d done just as she had done, but it would make very little difference. Also if she had just adopted any child, she wouldn’t have gotten Henry, and she would never apologise for that.

Regina felt Emma move her thumb up to graze her bare flesh, and as she had become accustomed she felt her tension start to dwindle. Emma’s blunt fingernails were next applied to her skin as they traced mindless patterns and Regina didn’t even try supress the shiver that rain through her body. She allowed the smile to grace her lips at Emma breathed chuckle, and finally her eyes lifted to Emma’s face once more. It surprised her to see the look of understanding shining back at her. Emma understood her reaction to hearing foster parents’ reasoning behind fostering or even adopting young children. She wished it made it feel better but it didn’t.

“Tim and I when we were about nine, ten. Came up with this list of things we were going to have when we finally got adopted” Emma supplied with a smile and Regina found she was happy for a change in topic. There was something about this boy Tim that made Regina feel … warm. Emma hadn’t seen or heard from him in over fourteen years and yet she held that young man … well man Regina mentally corrected her, in such high esteem. He sounded special. He sounded just like the kind of man Regina hoped their son would turn out to be. “Top of the list was our own bedroom or at least a bed, and a dog” Emma explained happily and it took Regina a moment to consider that at least until Emma was ten she hadn’t had her own bed. She had had to share with fostered siblings. Even Regina had had her own bed. Henry had had his own bed and room since he was old enough not to sleep in her bedroom. The little things people take for granted these two little children had dreamed of.

“A dog?” Regina asked sceptically, ensuring to keep her emotion from her question. She was surprised to see Emma’s beaming smile being flashed at her.

“Yeah all the good families we’d lived with had some sort of dog. It didn’t need to be a fancy one, just a dog. A mutt would have done us and it would sleep on our beds with us” Emma explained excitedly and Regina could see the little ten year old girl making plans she had believed would change her life. Plans which would have cost so very little to come true.

“Was he your first boyfriend?” Regina asked and couldn’t help but grin at Emma’s snort of amusement at the notion.

“God no! He was like my little brother…though he did act like my big brother when we got older” Emma exclaimed and the older woman couldn’t help but look at her in awe. Emma would have been a fantastic older sister. She had seen what she had been like with Henry when she had first come to Storybrook. She had seriously lacked the parenting skills but she had filled the role of a fun big sister or aunt. Regina hadn’t really thought about it before but it was hardly a surprise on either front. Emma had lacked the ability to be a parental role because she had never had a stable one; though her ability to be a fun loving big sister came naturally because she’d had to be one to so many young children.

There was no doubting Emma’s role in their son’s life now. The dynamic had changed greatly in the almost three years since Emma had crossed their town line, as had everyone under their roof. However it was nice to see that side of their son’s relationship with his birthmother. The side which enabled Regina to just sit and watch them shout obscenely loudly at each other as they played games together or had tickle matches as they had done only a few hours ago on the beach. She had missed her lover...her partner but she had missed Henry’s mother more.

“I don’t think we really thought it through” Emma said breaking Regina’s train of thought with smile that spoke volumes.  “We were in…three homes, I think it was, together. We just decided if we didn’t get adopted we were going to get a house together, and we’d have our own rooms and a dog” Emma continued with a nod of her head that clearly stated her story was fact and nothing was going to stop those two young children from getting their dreams. It amazed the brunette to see the young woman she loved look so animated. So…full of life. It was something as Emma had shared her dire news with her that Regina had thought she’d never get to witness or be a part of again. It, like Emma was beautiful.

“Do you still want a dog?” Regina asked carefully, though by the look on Emma’s face and the amount of times she had mentioned this dog, she knew the answer.

Emma looked embarrassed despite her eager reply “I’m not saying we should get one, but it would be awesome”.

“They drool and chew things and mess everywhere” Regina stated. It was the very reason Henry’s only contact with a dog was Pongo.

“They love you no matter what and he could like sleep on the bottom of the bed” Emma counted with a vague hand gesture to the bottom of the bed.

“Are you saying I’m not good enough?” Regina quipped and was amused to see Emma’s look of concern that Regina may actually believe what she’d just said.

“What? No…Just come on! A cute little dog, all fluffy and excited when you come home and curl up with you when you watch television. It would be cute” Emma rambled and Regina couldn’t help but think no matter how little and fluffy a canine was it wouldn’t be any “cuter” than her partner right now.

“You’d have to clean up its mess” Regina said easily subsuming to Emma’s adorable pout.

“It would be totally worth it” Emma sighed with a look of complete contentment which Regina could only chuckle at.

“When I was pregnant with Henry there was a period where I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I mean I felt that for pretty much the whole nine months” Emma explained with a small disbelieving laugh clearly unaware of Regina confusion at the change of subject. “But up until my second scan I had been adamant I was going to give the baby up. Actually until my first scan I was convinced if I didn’t think about it, it wasn’t happening” the other woman continued and Regina saw Emma’s forehead twitch at the memory of carrying their son. Regina could see the young teen that’d made that decision looking back at her.

“But I had this nurse. I don’t know if she was on a rotation or if they just got rid of her really quickly, but she took a dislike to me. It was clear she didn’t approve of women having babies in jail. I guess she must have seen I was planning to give it up, I don’t know but I’d said I didn’t want to know the sex and she told me” Emma explained and Regina felt the feeling of dislike and disgust for this unknown woman. That couldn’t be right. Why would you do that to a young woman who was trying to do the right thing by her unborn child? Was she trying to make Emma feel guilty? It took Regina a moment to notice Emma’s naming of Henry as “it”…that if she was honest with herself was difficult to swallow.

“And then he wasn’t just this “thing” I could ignore. He was a real person, and I started to wonder what it would be like” Emma explained and Regina watched as the woman she loved looked momentarily worried. She was afraid of Regina’s reaction.  Without hesitation Regina snuggled into the younger woman’s side.

“Yeah?” Regina prompted and was glad to see the slow formed smile appear back on her lover’s face.

“Yeah, just what he was going to look like. What he might be when he grew up. I had this plan that I could buy an apartment nothing flash but I had it planned out in my head what he’s room would look like and stuff” Emma explained and Regina saw the blonde’s far off look at the memories of what ifs.

“What changed?” Regina asked softly with genuine interest. What had happened to make this young teen drop her dreams of her unborn son? She saw Emma’s smile falter, though it didn’t disappear completely.

“About a month later, I felt him kick for the first time. I was in the shower and it was like this twitch in my stomach, I guessed you’d say. I don’t really know how to describe it but it was a definite kick. I never got that weird fluttering people always talk about or if I did, I didn’t notice. But when he kicked…” Emma explained as she looked Regina dead in the eye. There was no hesitation or doubt in neither Emma’s eyes nor facial expression. Regina could see while Emma may have wondered what had become of the boy she gave up, she wasn’t in any doubt she had done the right thing by her son. Their son.

“That was when I realised just how real he was. He had never been _that_ real to me before” Emma explained with a slight shake her head. The fingers against Regina’s skin had long since come to rest upon her hip bone, despite their lack of movement she still found the connection she desired and hoped Emma did too. “What he’d need, and what I wanted for him…I could never give him that. Sure one day the apartment might happen when I managed to get enough together but until then?” the woman exclaimed and Regina heard the sound of disgust in her voice and felt its tug against her own heart. Poor Emma.

“He was due before I was to be released I couldn’t even really look after him until he was like three month old, and that was if the prison had a nursery. I didn’t even ask. No one told me. I just told them I was giving him up. I couldn’t be the mother he deserved” Emma explained and Regina saw her jade eyes glistening at what Regina could only assume was at the memory of Henry’s birth. Regina had believed for ten years that Henry’s birthmother had given him up so he was no longer a burden to her.  While this belief had long been shattered since she met Emma, she saw for the first time just how difficult it had been for the other woman to do. She had done it because she had loved Henry just as much as Regina.

“You are now” Regina clarified, needed Emma to understand just what she’d done for their son. Just how needed she was in their boy’s life…in her life too. She was just what they needed and made their family whole. She was everything both Regina and their son had been looking for their entire lives. 

“Thank you” Emma said quietly and Regina watched her pale skin pinken considerably.

“You never have to thank me for telling the truth. Also I’m pretty sure it’s me that should be saying thank you, to you for Henry” Regina stated honestly and felt the smile overtake her lips as she watched Emma’s tighten further still.

“When I was keeping him…I’d decided I was going to call him Timothy” Emma added and Regina finally understood what she had believed was an interlude to their conversation. It was a testament to Emma’s respect and relationship with this boy that she had decided to name her son after him.

“Timothy Swan” Regina stated softly and heard Emma almost teasing chuckling.

“He was always destined to be a Mills, Regina” the saviour supplied and all Regina could do was hum in agreement because she supposed it was true. Regina had always been destined to adopt Emma’s son.

“I always dreamed when I found a family that wanted me, I’d take their name. I’d finally belong. I loved the Swans I did. They were my first family…” Emma explained and Regina saw her face fall. Her dark eyes fell to the space between their pillows and Regina felt the feeling of foreboding plunge around her. She didn’t like it. Not one bit.

“But I’d become Emma Swan, and they gave me up. I know now why, they couldn’t afford me and have their own baby but as a kid it didn’t make sense. That baby was my little brother or sister and I used to read it bedtime stories before I went to bed” Emma explained with a saddened smile upon her lips. The intensity of sorrow in Emma’s eyes was enough to make Regina’s heart lurch within her chest and her stomach to sit heavily in her gut. The older woman could picture a little three year old Emma Swan with bright blonde hair and cheeky grin reading to her foster mother’s stomach.

“But then they sent me back. Every family did and I just wanted a family, a family I’d belong to you know?” Emma asked, her fingers started moving against Regina’s skin once more; though even Regina could feel it was more of distraction.

“I do…you belong here you know that right?” Regina said lowering her eye line, effectively forcing Emma to look her in the eye.

“Yeah” Emma breathed and Regina knew more was to come. A single word told her that Emma may not truly believe it and it hurt more she had ever believed possible. “Just…for the last thirty years I’ve been a Swan. Had to…carry around this reminder that people didn’t want me. That’s what being a “Swan” meant to me” Emma continued and Regina saw Emma’s bottom lip quiver. It wasn’t enough to break her, and as soon as it happened the blonde’s teeth seized the trembling flesh almost painfully. She hadn’t considered what Emma’s own name had caused the young woman to feel and she couldn’t help but feel guilt at knowing she had intentionally called Emma “Miss Swan”. She had known it had annoyed her, but she hadn’t realised it caused her actual pain.

“Emma…” Regina breathed unable to even say the words to apologise at the knowledge she had inadvertently caused Emma yet another emotional scar.

“Just earlier you said you’d want my last name. I just assumed I’d take yours and Henry’s” Emma admitted quietly and Regina felt the wind get knocked cleanly out of her lungs in surprise. She hadn’t expected her admission to have such an effect on the other woman.

“The name Mills came with the curse. My mother…she was a Miller’s daughter. Mills, it’s not real. We didn’t have surnames in the Enchanted Forest but here I became Regina Mills” the brunette explained carefully was thankful that Emma was still looking at her. The love and adoration she felt for the woman holding her amazed her and it surprised her still when she saw the same feelings reflecting back at her. She had thought she wasn’t worthy of such affection, warmth and love and yet Emma gave it so willingly. She gave it without question and yet Regina had doubted it. Had doubted Emma sincerity and had stupidly believed Emma when she had claimed to no longer love her. Looking at her now Regina realised just how stupid she had been that day. Stupid enough to believe her and let her walk out of the office.

“When I said I wanted to share your name I wanted…I wanted something…to be a part of something real. I didn’t mean to upset you” Regina reassured her love because that had been the very last thing she had wanted to do. She hadn’t wanted to cause Emma any hurt or discomfort and she was sorry if she had done either.

“You didn’t. God you didn’t” Emma sighed and Regina saw the tears return to Emma’s eyes. The older woman heard the tone of gratitude and felt her heart lift as her emotions mirrored Emma’s. “I didn’t…I never thought someone would want to be part of _my_ family” Emma admitted softly and Regina simply smiled at her in disbelief.

“You and Henry are my family” Regina stated without thought and her stomach fluttered at the look of appreciation that graced her love’s face.

“How about a compromise?” Emma whispered after a few moments.

“Hmmm…” was Regina’s only reply as she tucked a piece of Emma’s shortened hair behind her ear; a movement made difficult by Emma’s hand practically pinning her to the bed.

“Swan-Mills… or Mills-Swan obviously” Emma supplied with an awkward chuckle.

Regina had indulged in a proposal and life that would never be, she could indulge in this too. She could close her eyes and see the life she would never live. She could almost reach out and touch it, grasp it with both hands and refuse to ever let it go. _Almost_. She’d settle for dreams if it meant she got to hold onto the woman in front of her for as long as she could. She’d give up so much for minutes more with her Emma. “Swan-Mills sounds better” Regina succumbed easily and felt her insides lighten at Emma’s beautiful chuckle. It sounded perfect. “The Swan-Mills family and our mongrel” Regina added and was delighted to hear Emma’s outburst of a full body laugh.

“Hey don’t be mean about our dog” Emma retorted with a sharp prod to Regina’s side, before her serious demeanour cracked and her laughter rang out once more. Regina easily joined her in laughter and revelled in the feeling of Emma’s body as she pressed into her frame.

“Regina Swan-Mills…” Regina said testing the way if felt on her lips and tasted on her tongue. If she was honest with herself nothing had felt so right. Not ever.

“My Regina” Emma breathed gently and the older woman felt her heart clench with happiness at the thought of it. Regardless of her or Emma’s last name, she would always be Emma’s. Forever and always.

“I wish I’d got to propose” Regina admitted and felt momentarily worried she’d ruined the moment as Emma lifted head and the laughter died out with a whoosh from her lungs. Neither spoke as Emma’s grin disappeared and the younger woman let out a deep sigh.

“Me too” Emma confessed and it broke Regina’s heart.

Regina felt her fingers tingle. The small diamond ring was in the draw across the room. A few strides and she’d be holding it in her hand. She could do it now. It wouldn’t be a beautiful moonlit evening with the warm sand between their toes and salty air dancing across their faces; but it would still be perfect. She’d still get to see the blonde’s smiling face as her eyes glistened with happiness, and hear her voice hitch with a broken “yes”. All she’d have to do is stand and walk the few paces.

“I couldn’t let you though. I couldn’t…” Emma continued her breath hitching just in the way Regina had wanted to hear all those months ago, and yet pleaded with the universe she’d never hear again. “Knowing what was…what could happen, I couldn’t let you. I couldn’t promise you forever when I didn’t even know what tomorrow would look like” the young blonde explained with a look of completely and utter heartbrokenness upon her face that Regina wanted so badly to wrap her up and make her forget it all. Make it so Emma wasn’t sick or dying. She wanted to make it right again.

Regina felt her breath catch in her throat and felt the familiar pang of defeat within her chest at the sounds of Emma’s voice and saddened words. She’d done it once. Lost someone she was to marry. She remembered the happiness she felt at wearing Daniel’s ring, at the prospect of their tomorrows; only to have them ripped away. Looking into Emma’s eyes as she watched them shimmer with their already dwindling future, Regina found she was still willing to grasp onto it. She knew it wouldn’t last. She knew Emma would likely be gone within the year but that didn’t mean they couldn’t live their lives until then. It didn’t mean they couldn’t be happy for the short time they still had together. It would be more than some people ever got. If she proposed though…Emma might say no. She wished it didn’t matter. She already felt like Emma’s wife. She had for a long time now, and descriptions like “girlfriend” and “partner” had felt peculiar long before Emma had confided in wanting a family…a future with Regina.

“I’d love to wear your ring…and I’d kill to see you in a wedding dress” Emma admitted with such conviction Regina felt it bore into her soul and felt it catch alight. She also couldn’t help but wonder and not for the first time, if Emma could read her mind. She supposed maybe Emma could read and feel her emotions, a side effect of their connected magic. Maybe it was this that allowed Emma to know her better than anyone had ever done.

She did not need a piece of paper to say they were married or Emma’s parents blessing. But she found herself wanting them. She wanted Emma to wear her engagement and wedding bands. She wanted them both to have a sleepless night because it was tradition to sleep apart the night before the wedding only for one to magic herself to the other in the silence of night. She wanted to see Emma walk towards her in a flowing gown as their family and friends looked on, despite both brides only having eyes for her love. She wanted them to hold each other as they made love on their honeymoon, promising their new wife to love her for as long as they were able and then some. She…they could still have that. She wanted that.

“Hmmm if I’m wearing one, you are too” Regina stated in a tone she hoped carried jest and not the anguish of her previous words; but she could see it. In her mind’s eye. She could see Emma in a gorgeous sleeveless white dress, with her hair tied in an elegant bun and a beautiful bouquet of flowers grasped in her hand, walking towards her down the aisle all the time trying not to trip but still with a huge smile on her face. One which was just for her. Regina would have to hold herself back from running towards her future bride and kissing her senseless before she even made it to the alter. She could see, feel it. She needed it.

“For you, anything” Emma admitted and Regina felt her heart flutter at the ease in which she gave it. The image in her brain had never been so bright and within her grasp.

“Really?” Regina asked in amazement. Emma Swan didn’t wear dresses often, and the very few times Regina had seen her in one it had been the result of force. Or at least gentle persuasion with promises of a not so innocent reward once she was out of it. Regina felt her cheeks ache at the thought of Emma wearing one willingly.

“Anything for my bride …on one condition” Emma supplied with a slightly mischievous glint in her eye. Okay so it seemed Emma would wear the dress for her, but still it meant so much, even if it seemed Emma would want something in return. Something…whatever it was Regina would give just as willingly.

“Oh no…what?” Regina groaned with a smile just as mischievous as Emma gaze.

“One of your Queen outfits on the honeymoon” Emma stated firmly. There was clearly no room for discussion, but Regina couldn’t help the genuine smile she felt tug upon her lips as she noticed Emma didn’t say Evil Queen. It still amazed her that Emma truly didn’t see her as such. It wasn’t as if Emma ignored Regina’s past, but she did not dwell on it either. She loved her. Her flaws and mistakes just as much as anything else. Emma truly loved her, just for her.

“And the honeymoon in that cabin on the outskirts of town…if you wanted obviously” Emma added excitedly. Yet again Regina couldn’t help but be amazed and in awe at the thought the other woman had put into the little things. It was one thing to want to get married and have children, but to have put thought into the details like where they were to have their honeymoon…it meant more than Regina could ever verbalise. She was finally worth the little details. Someone had put in the effort and thought into the little details and they included her. Regina consumed Emma’s thoughts as often as Emma did hers.

“I suppose that could be arranged… as long as you don’t tell your mother” Regina replied with a slight quip as she felt the corners of her lips curl at Emma’s eye roll.

“Oh yes because I was planning to tell my Mom about our honeymoon activities” Emma replied sarcastically as she poked one of her fingers into Regina’s side again, before they both erupted into laughter. 

“Just checking” Regina added her chortle marring her words, but if she was honest with herself the look on Snow’s face after hearing such content would be rather amusing and almost worth it.

“Hmmm…” the former sheriff added, and Regina grinned as she felt Emma’s fingers grip at her hip.

“So two wedding dressing, Queen outfit…” Regina said out loud considering her wedding to do list.

“With cleavage” Emma interrupted quickly and Regina couldn’t help but shake her head with a snigger at the other woman’s eagerness. She had never known Emma’s desire to see her in her “Queen” attire. She had several of her old dresses in her vault; all Emma had to do is ask and she would have received.

“With cleavage” Regina confirmed lightly. “You in a suit?” Regina suggested with what was meant to be a level of assertion Emma had just given, but it fell short ever so slightly.

“Is that so…knew you liked me suits” Emma teased playfully, the fingers which were previously holding her in place, swept through her hair to tuck the loose hair behind Regina’s ear. Despite the blonde’s lively tone the former Queen saw the adoration reflecting back at her.

“Just means I get the best of both worlds, dear” Regina retorted back, noting Emma’s playful grin.

“Suit it is then” the blonde gave in easily.

“Flowers?” Regina asked and was surprised to see and hear Emma laugh.

“I don’t really mind…you could sort that out” Emma blustered while still trying not to laugh under Regina’s steeling gaze. “As long as I have you walking towards me I don’t care about the details. You could wear a brown sack and I wouldn’t care” the other woman continued and Regina felt her heart swell at the admission and knew her cheeks tinted rouge at the devotion in Emma’s eyes and smile.

“Though I’d love if it was Henry that gave you away” Emma admitted quietly. She hadn’t even considered that part of the ceremony and the fact Emma had made her love her even more. How had she ever doubted this woman?

“I’m sure he’d love that” Regina replied with a small nod relishing in the feeling of Emma’s fingers dancing across her arm with just a thin layer of silk between them and her flesh. She felt a small shiver travel up her spine, though Emma didn’t seem to notice the effect she had on the older woman.

“Never thought I’d have a dad to give me away…” Emma continued and Regina saw just how amazed the blonde was at the prospect. If the former Mayor looked hard enough into her fantasy she could see Charming walking his daughter down the aisle. The look absolute contemplation on Emma’s face was sweet enough to make her smile. All this woman had ever wanted was a family.

“You think I’m cheesy now don’t you?” Emma said clearly realising Regina was watching her. Regina watched as the other woman’s face pinkened and while Emma did not move away from her, she felt the blonde’s fingers being retracted. Before the Saviour had chance to move, Regina rolled forward slightly and somewhat awkwardly causing their hips to collide.

“Not at all” Regina replied softly ignoring any awkwardness her movement might have created, however her words couldn’t be any truer. Emma looked honestly and truly happy and it made Regina’s heart skip in her chest. “Just thinking of how much I love you” the older woman said around a smile.

“I love you too” Emma gave back easily, causing Regina to sigh with contentment. This woman really did love her. They could have all this. Beautiful gowns, glittering weddings rings with family and friends in gorgeous dresses and handsome suits. They could have a special honeymoon and make love under the stars with only the sound of the lapping lake and love confessions and promises as they called each other Mrs Swan-Mills surrounding them. They could have their future…if Regina had her way they would have it, no matter how short lived it was. 

“So this dog…” Regina said breaking the silence that had surrounded them.

Emma’s burst of laughter was literally music to her ears. “You’re actually considering getting a dog…” Emma said softly in clear amazement.

“You said you wanted one” Regina supplied easily.  If having a dog for a few months made Emma happy she’d go to the shelter tomorrow and get one. She’d be there for the place opening and buy one.

“I do but I never thought you’d say yes. If I’d known we’d have had one for like over a year now” Emma said with a slight chortle to her voice.  Regina however found it difficult to laugh or even smile as Emma considered her “stupidity” at not mentioning her desire for a canine companion. All Emma’s words did was remind Regina of the time they’d lost; and as such the time they were going to lose.

“How much doggie proofing would we be talking?” Regina asked trying to not let her thoughts cloud or ruin their conversation. The look of glee on Emma’s face was enough for her to box away her emotions, at least for now.

“Doggie proofing … really?” Emma asked with a clear tone of faux tease.  Regina simply glared back at her lover and saw Emma’s smile tighten. “The house is pretty fine as it is. Just nothing edible on its level and nothing you’d miss if it ate it” Emma informed her. It sounded like most of the books she’s read while she was prepping the house for Henry learning to crawl.

“So like baby proofing?” Regina supplied and the blonde head nodded.

“Yeah basically. Though dogs are more likely to …mess on your carpet” Emma supplied as she scrunched her nose at the thought of it.

“You aren’t selling the idea” Regina quipped knowing her face carried more an expression of disgust as she spoke.

Emma however simply laughed at her discomfort. “You’re being serious aren’t you” Emma added after a moment in a tone of disbelief.

“Yes” Regina stated hoping Emma would understand just how serious she was being. The older woman on the other hand merely shook her head just before a breath taking smile appeared upon the saviour’s face.

“God I love you” Emma exclaimed before placing a kiss upon Regina’s lips. It was a move that took the brunette by surprise but it didn’t take as long for Regina to respond. Regina could feel Emma’s smile against her lips, as the blond pulled away slightly. “So so much” the other woman breathed before capturing her bottom lip again. The usual sparks that fly between them seemed to be concentrated solely in their connected lips as Regina felt Emma’s teeth graze across her lip.

Regina felt her scalp tingle as Emma’s finger slid up the back of her neck to entangle themselves in her hair, pulling her flush against her. Emma’s intoxicating touch, smell and taste…she’d missed her. Regina clutched onto the only piece of Emma she could which turned out to be her side. She could feel Emma’s protruding ribcage beneath her fingertips as she too pulled Emma in close to her. Their mouths met again and again as they both nipped as each other’s offered lips and tried to catch their breath. Regina felt Emma’s demeanour change. The smile was no longer on the lips she tasted. Her whole body seemed to tense as she tried to continue this facade. Maybe she should let Emma pretend. Except she couldn’t. Not anymore.

Emma moved closer when Regina tried to distance her face and lips from Emma’s. “What?” she managed to say before Emma seized her lips again.

“Nothing” the other woman murmured though did nothing to prove whatever was going on in Emma’s head was indeed “nothing”.  Regina pulled away completely making it impossible for Emma to try and kiss her once again.

“Regina don’t…” Emma pleaded, which only served to make Regina feel even worse.

“Talk to me” Regina asked and saw Emma’s jaw clench.

“I don’t want to ruin this…” the blonde breathed before she moved forward to kiss her again.

“Please” the former Queen implored and watched as Emma bite down upon her bottom lip before sighing.

“Before I had my operation…” Emma started and Regina couldn’t help but swallow the bitterness that rose within her throat.  The other woman shot a clear “I told you so” look straight at her. “It doesn’t matter” Emma said with an angered sigh before she sat up, effectively removing herself from Regina’s hold completely. The feeling of stupidity flooded her veins. She should have schooled her reactions. Emma would never tell her these things if Regina continued to react like that. If Emma was willing to share then she wanted to hear it.

“Yes it does. Tell me” Regina said forcefully, though Emma simply shook her head.

“No, forget it” Emma retorted with a wave of her hand. Her partner couldn’t even look at her.

“Emma please” Regina begged, sitting up just as her love had just done. She felt Emma’s tense when she placed her hand on the blonde’s forearm. “Please tell me” Regina breathed as her hand slipped down to rest upon Emma’s thigh. She watched as Emma’s jaw clenched and her lover simply stared straight ahead, barely blinking.

“I made my will” Emma finally admitted though her gaze did not move from the blank wall across from them. Regina hadn’t been expecting that. Of all the things Emma could say she hadn’t thought it would be that, however it didn’t make the ache in her chest lessen at all.

“Ok-ay” Regina prompted gently wanting Emma to continue.

“I had it amended just before I had chemotherapy and radiation…They suggested I had some eggs harvested before because it can cause damage to the eggs and hormone levels that can stop fertility” Emma continued quietly and Regina felt her stomach plummet to the floor. She defiantly hadn’t been expecting Emma to say that. What was she meant to say to that?

“It was in case afterwards we did decide to have kids. There was the option there. I know you said you couldn’t get pregnant but didn’t know if it was because time was frozen or something else …” Emma explained clearly as if she feared for Regina’s reaction. Several moments passed before Emma turned her head to look at Regina once more.

“Okay…” Regina replied slowly feeling almost as nervous as Emma looked in case she gave the wrong response.

“But if I …didn’t make it…I…” Emma stammered and Regina felt the bitterness rise to her mouth again along with her stomach as tried and failed to swallow back her emotions. “God…I left them to you in my will” Emma blurted out and Regina felt her heart stop within her chest only to start beating at twice if not thrice its usual rate. Emma had left her eggs to her Regina… in her will?

“You left me your eggs in your will?” Regina asked stupidly, her brain unable to connect the words and their meaning. Emma simply nodded. Regina felt as if she was floating. As if she was hanging over the top of an abyss just waiting to fall into the dark depths below. How…what…this couldn’t be happening. Could it?

“You never have to use them. It was so you had an option” Emma added quickly clearly sensing Regina wasn’t fully prepared for the conversation. All she could do was nod dumbly as she gripped to the thigh beneath her hand.

The talk of a wedding and changing their name … honeymoon outfits and cute dogs … but this was a tangible thing. Emma had left her the ability to have her children. The emotion seemed to burn within her chest as tears prickled at her eyes forcing her vision to blur painfully. Something was forcing its self upon her chest, making it nearly impossible to breath. Each time she tried to draw in another breath the tight band around her chest tightened further still. She couldn’t breathe. She was going to pass out.

“Say something” Emma hushed forcefully, looking genuinely worried for the other woman. Regina opened her mouth so say something. Anything. Yet the only noise that racked through her lungs, throat and mouth as a strangled, agonising sob. Emma flipped around completely to face Regina straight on. The brunette’s hand that had previously been resting upon Emma’s thigh rose to clutch at its owner’s mouth as Regina tried to contain her cries.

“I’m sorry I thought… I didn’t mean to assume. I know we weren’t together but….” Emma rushed clearly misunderstanding the reasoning behind Regina’s upset. They may not have been together but they were really. That assumption wasn’t what making Regina unable to function.

“We were meant to have children together….not in a petri dish” Regina spluttered and felt Emma’s hand take hold of Regina’s shoulders before pulling her forward. Nestling her head in the crux of Emma’s shoulder was not comfortable and at this angle was extremely awkward but she found she didn’t care as she clutched Emma’s top in her free hand. Her ragged breaths burned her lungs as tried to pull oxygen into them. 

“I just thought…” Emma murmured into the crown of her head and Regina felt the hand clutching the other woman’s top tighten.

“We were… I can’t do this. I can’t…you’re supposed to be here and help me raise our children. You and me. Not me on my own” Regina choked around her sobs. She felt Emma’s grip upon her tighten. The hold was almost as tight as the invisible force upon her chest and lungs and yet she felt it lessening. She could hear Emma’s laboured breathing close against her ear just over the sound of her own heartbeat drumming in her ears.

“Regina I didn’t…” Emma spoke again and Regina heard the blonde’s own tears lacing her broken words. This couldn’t be happening. If she gripped on as tight as she could Emma couldn’t leave her. Couldn’t leave her family. She wouldn’t let her.

Regina moved her head from Emma’s shoulder to rest it upon the blonde’s forehead. Emma’s broken breath danced across her face and all Regina could do was close her eyes and train her breathing to slow. Slow enough to talk. Enough to make sure Emma understood. She needed Emma to understand. She needed Emma.

Opening her eyes she saw her own pain reflecting back at her. “I’d love to have your baby Emma, but you are meant to be here with me” Regina finally spoke, hearing her own voice’s unwanted squeak.  “We’re meant to pick out colour schemes, fight over stupid baby names and gush over scan pictures insisting our jelly bean sized baby is the cutest baby ever” she continued with a saddened smile at the stupidity only parents can express over their children. She watched was thick tears fell down Emma’s cheeks and wished she could stop them. 

“You’re supposed to be there to hold my hand while I curse you for making me pregnant and tell me how beautiful I am when I’m in labour” Regina said with fake annoyance and was thankful when she heard Emma tut of laughter at the prospect. Probably because they both knew that was exactly what would happen. It took a moment for Regina to continue as she felt the tears choke her breath. “You’re supposed to be here and watch Henry graduate and our babies grow up. You’re supposed to wait for me at the end of the aisle and promise to love me forever until we’re both old and grey” Regina stuttered unable to keep the emotions or tears at bay.

Her sobs racked through her and she had little defence against them as they tore through her lungs and assaulted the air. She couldn’t offer any words of comfort to the woman she was clinging to. She could only watch as Emma’s tears overcame her, though her cries were quieter than her own. She wanted so desperately the future they planned. “So you have to stay Emma with us. You have to stay with me” Regina commanded around another broken cry because she knew just like her, Emma had no control over her fate. Emma would never have chosen this, not willingly. Emma had done everything in her power and that of the Dark One to try and stay with her. There was nothing they could do.

Emma just looked back at her as tears fell down her face. She could feel her lover shaking ever so gently. She was trying to be strong for her. Just as Regina was meant to be for her. She wasn’t meant to be crying like this. She was meant to be strong and be Emma’s rock when she needed her. She was…Emma pulled Regina forward forcefully using the grip she had upon her shoulders and seized her mouth roughly.

The kiss was all teeth and tongue as both women gripped upon her love. It was fast, needy and uncoordinated. She could taste their tears upon her tongue. It sort to rip the air from their lungs and leave them wanting more. It was to daze them into submission and to seek answers in their lover’s arms and bodies. Only Regina could feel Emma’s shaking once again. Emma’s resolve was not as strong as she was pretending. It surprised them both however when it was Regina’s sobs that rang out, effectively separating the two grieving women.

“I want…I want it all” Regina cried as she felt Emma’s hands twine themselves into her hair to pull her forehead towards her lips.

Her lips rested upon her brow before Emma’s broken reply was breathed, “Me too”.

“I can't lose you” Regina whimpered desperately.

“You won’t” Emma said her tone just as desperate. There was nothing they could do. They had done it all. It had all failed. Emma was going to die. There was no point in denying that now. She was going to die. Now it was a case of when. “You won’t” Emma repeated and Regina found she could almost believe her. Emma moved her head backwards so Regina could see her face once more. “I’ll be right here” Emma said moving one of her hands over Regina’s heart and she felt it jump at an erratic pace.

“I love you so much” Regina choked back, her hand still tightening entwined in Emma’s top.

“Me too...me too” Emma replied sadly, though the look upon her face told Regina just how much she was loved. Emma loved her with everything she was.

Emma’s kiss was gentle at first. Meant to sooth and comfort. Regina could still taste their salty tears. She didn’t want that taste. She wanted Emma. She wanted to taste and remember nothing but Emma. She needed her lover. She craved her like an addition. A fix she knew she could only have for so long.

The kisses deepened and she felt Emma following suit. Felt Emma’s tongue slide against her own just as it always did. Mapping out every inch of Regina’s mouth. Regina used the hand balled in Emma’s shirt to pull her down on top of her as Regina allowed herself to fall backwards. 

Emma’s force upon her lips was fierce, desperate and needy. It was exactly what Regina required. The hand still entangled in Regina’s hair lifted her head off the bed as if Emma was unable to get enough. Every inch of her body felt as if it was on fire. A fire only Emma could ignite and extinguish. She felt her hip roll against Emma’s as the blonde’s free hand moved beneath her silk top. The blonde’s hand’s danced across her ribcage, just beneath the wire of her bra.

They should be doing this for the rest of their lives. Moving against one another in a perfected dancing only they knew the moves to. The passion and need only they felt fuelling them whether it be an exclamation of utter devotion, anger fuelled sex or make up sex. Whatever the reason it should be something they did for the rest of time. It should be something they could tease Henry for when he got older, though a noisy kiss was all that was needed to embarrass the young teen, because his mothers were much too old to be doing such things. They were meant to fall asleep next to the woman they loved and wake next to her every morning. For the rest of eternity. How could she ever stop knowing that this time might be the last time?

“Stop thinking so much” Emma breathed against her parted lips.

“I can't” Regina whispered back and even she heard the sorrow laced within her words. Not really a turn on.

“Yes you can, just stay with me” Emma soothed, lacing their fingers together as she repeated Regina’s earlier plea.

* * *

 

It was with a slight shiver the brunette woke hours later. It took her seconds to realise why she’d woken feeling so cold despite the early July heat. She was still naked and now uncovered. Emma had all the cover. In fact she was laid with the cover wrapped around her and from the inch of the blond Regina could see, she could see she was dressed. It was clear Emma had been awake during the night again. Why hadn’t she woken her?

Regina went to move and was surprised to feel Emma’s hand grasp at her. Effectively pinning her in place. “Stay” Emma said groggily, her eyes still closed as if relaxed in sleep. 

“It’s nearly nine, Henry is going to be up soon” Regina said softly as not to startle the still half sleeping woman.

Emma said something that sounded very much like a muffled “so?” as she rolled forward into Regina’s bare frame.

“I promised him pancakes this morning” Regina said trying to reason with the woman who was now nearly lying on top of her.

“He’s probably forgotten” the muffled voice said from Regina’s shoulder. Regina would be lying if she said she wasn’t surprised Emma hadn’t pushed her out ass first at the mention of pancakes.

“You do know our son right?” Regina replied with a small chuckle as she played with the back of Emma’s hair enjoying the way the length allowed her fingers to slide right through it. Emma’s only response was a low but clearly very annoyed groan.

“I can come right back up once I’ve made ours, and make his when he gets up” Regina said trying reason with the thirty year old child and was surprised when Emma shook her head and buried her face deeper into the crux of Regina’s shoulder. “Emma” Regina hushed gently.

“No” Emma groaned and instead of pulling herself closer to Regina, the blonde moved her hand to rest again the brunette’s opposite hip. Before Regina could consider what was happening Emma had pulled her in closer, moving the blanket to cover the naked woman’s midriff but nothing else. The way Emma snuggled into her the blonde believed she had thwarted Regina’s attempt to escape. Regina continued to play with Emma’s hair and smiled when she saw Emma’s look of contentment.

“Emma if I go make and them now while Henry is still asleep, I can come back for more cuddling” Regina whispered into the ear next to her lips and she saw the moment the blonde finally opened one eye.

“You won’t be long?” Emma asked groggily which was so endearing the sentence alone nearly made Regina stay.

“I promise…you won’t even know I’ve gone” Regina assured. It was probably true because she could tell from Emma’s voice she’d be back to sleep before she left the room.

“Okay” the younger woman caved placing a kiss to Regina’s collarbone, before releasing her. Regina didn’t even try to suppress her chuckle as she clambered free from the sheet only half covering her. Coming across her pyjamas on from the night before, she put them back on with speed. She could change after breakfast for her journey to collect the car and the family’s ice cream for their movie and games day ahead. She spared a last look over her shoulder at the now sound asleep blonde who was once again wrapped within the cover, only her head and feet sticking out at either end. It wasn’t surprising the blonde always had freezing cold feet.

Regina wasted no time as she entered the kitchen. First she collected the bowls from the dishwasher Emma had set away the night before, followed by the needed ingredients. Her hands were autopilot as she created the mixture. She felt a chill run down her spine and wished she had succumbed to Emma’s request and stayed with her. She wished she never had to leave their little cocoon, but apparently her and her family needed food.

Regina heard a small noise coming from upstairs. Clearly one of her family had decided it was time to get up. Considering Emma’s reluctance to let Regina get up, it was probably their son eager for his pancakes. As if Emma had believed the teen would forget such a promise of sticky and unhealthy breakfast foods. He was Emma’s son after all. Regina considered calling up to her son to tell him to let his birthmother sleep on but no further noise followed the first. He was probably using the bathroom before coming downstairs. So much for extra snuggles with Emma. The other women would not be happy with that turnout.

Last night had been amazing. It had been emotional and difficult but it had been amazing. There were things she hadn’t known about Emma’s past that she knew now. Things about Emma she hadn’t previously known she guessed she could say. The way Emma had touched her was different too. Emma had always touched her as if she was something fragile. Something worth protecting, but last night had been different. Emma had taken her time and made her feel…special. Part of her wished she could remember every time they had made love but like everything else those occasions blurred together because there was always going to be another time. But last night…she didn’t know if it was because she knew their days were numbered, but she’d remember it for the rest of her life. Every touch, every breath. Neither had been able to hold their tears for long but both had held their lover through their tears, offering the only comfort they could. That was what she could do for Emma now. Be there for her, hold her and cry with her. Be everything she needed her to be.

“Regina?” Emma’s voice said as it seems to ring through the silent house. So much for thinking the noise had been their son. Maybe they could squeeze in an extra thirty minutes of cuddling before waking Henry.

“What?” she hissed back trying to ensure her voice travelled up to the blonde but did not wake their sleeping son. Silence followed. It was with a big sigh Regina picked up whisk again only to hear Emma voice once more.

“Regina!” Emma shouted. Her voice sounded panicked and choked. Something was wrong. Very wrong. Dropping the whisk she ran. She ran the length of the hallway, only turning at the base of the stairs. She turned just in time to see a hunched Emma go to clutch the handrail only to miss and fall with an anguished cry that made Regina’s heart plummeted to ground where her love lay motionless.


	18. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down. *Established Swan Queen*

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

 **Author** : Calliope-plantain

 **Rating:**  M

 **Pairing:** Regina/Emma

 **Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

 **Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

 **Author's Note:** Trigger warning – Major Character death. I split this chapter into two.

 **Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she’s missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)

The house was empty and cold around her as the front door closed. No air seemed to move throughout the house, making it difficult to draw breath. Cold and darkness seemed to linger in air, clinging to everything making it so difficult just to keep breathing. It had been the same way for the last seven days. A week had passed since her true love had died.

Parts of the last week seemed to blur into one continuous moment while others dragged and Regina can remember each distinct minute that had passed. She can remember exactly what the paramedics had worn as they entered their home, rushing to where Regina was holding Emma; trying with everything she had just to make her love wake up. She remembers every word the two men said to her and Henry as they asked them to move out of the way so they could help Emma. Every single word; and yet she couldn’t remember what they looked like. She couldn't have even pick their faces out of a line up.

Regina can’t remember the ride to the hospital but she can remember both her and Henry standing in the middle of the room unable to do anything to help the doctors and nurses rushing around to help Emma. She can remember caring very little that she was stood in a crowded room in only her pyjamas, her bare feet sticking to the cold tiled floor. She can remember looking over at Henry and noticing for the first time just how old the boy was as he stood still dressed in the clothes from the day before. She had watched Henry straighten and marvelled in just how tall her son was before she allowed herself to look at the thing that had caught his attention. It had been Whale walking towards them.

She cannot remember now what the man said; though she can remember with a sick irony that had Emma been there she would have understood the long words and peculiar terms the doctor had used. She can only remember looking at him, she wasn’t even sure she was moving but she can remember staring at him. Waiting for the moment he’d say Emma was okay; that he’d managed to save her. Except those words never came. Instead the words “ _I’m sorry we did all we could_ ” followed his explanation. Thinking back as Regina had done repeatedly this last week she wasn’t even sure Whale had told her that Emma had died, only that she knew she had.

She can remember how everything seemed to stop. The world stopped spinning, and the Earth’s population silenced. Everything froze and Regina’s vision blurred and darkened around the edges. She fought the urge to vomit and not collapse as the tight band that had been trying to suffocate her since Emma’s confession that the man in front of her had found a tumour in her brain, finally defeated her. It had tightened so forcefully she struggled for breath as she had clutched at her chest. The only thing that stopped her from giving up in that moment was feeling Henry tucking himself into her side. It had been the young teen’s sobs and pleading the man before them; he had to be wrong, his mother wasn’t dead. She can remember her son shrinking before her eyes.

She remembers holding him close as they both cried themselves hoarse within  minutes; neither of their legs could withstand their weight nor the weight of their grief as they crashed to the floor. How was it possible that Emma was dead when just minutes before she’d been trying to persuade Regina to stay in bed with her? How could Regina have refused?  She had cared very little for their audience as the medical staff seemed to give her and her son their moment to grieve. She remembers turning down Whale’s offer to inform the Mayor of her daughter’s death. It was something she, Regina should do.

Regina can remember the exact tone her former stepdaughter’s voice took as Regina tried to explain that her daughter was gone. The pixie haired woman had misunderstood and thought she had meant back to Boston. It was only when Regina broke down and sobbed down the phone the other woman had understood. It was then Snow had begged Regina to tell her she was lying. That it was just a cruel attempt to get back at her for everything Snow had done and said since Emma had left; and as both woman cried Regina had wished it was.

She can remember the moment Whale had allowed them to see Emma. Her skin was pale and taut across her muscle and bones. It was as if seeing her love for the first time and it hadn’t been until hours later Regina realised it had been. Gold’s spell had worn off when Emma’s heart had stopped beating. She can remember using the same enchantment to preserve Emma’s body as she done with Daniel as Henry had held his birthmother’s hand. As the spell took effect Emma looked just as if she was sleeping and Regina had allowed her eyes to trace every inch of her lover’s skin and only to feel her heart plummet when the dark eyelashes didn’t twitch in dream.

She can’t remember Snow and Charming getting to the hospital nor the hours that followed. She can only remember sitting by Emma’s bedside, holding her hand and stroking her shortened hair as she cried. She can remember Snow crying over her daughter’s body just as she had cried over Charming's as the curse had washed over them. She had been painfully reminded as the young woman traced every line of Emma’s face with one finger that it was something Snow had probably done in the time after she had given birth. Tracing every feature of her daughter’s face to memory…just in case. Except this time Snow wouldn’t see her daughter’s face again.

She can’t remember the drive home in the back of Charming’s car but it was with a daunting comprehension she realised as they pulled up that they were not at the mansion. Regina had found she cared very little as Charming opened her car door and followed her inside his own home. Nor did she care when she realised the mug being forced upon her by Henry was filled with hot cocoa with cinnamon and not coffee. It was with a small smile she had noticed that each had their own mug filled with the drink that Emma, Henry and Mary Margaret shared a liking for. Henry had made them. “Emma” Charming’s broken voice said with a tilt of his mug in a form of a toast. She remembered with a lump that still had not shifted to this day, as they all toasted to Emma.

The first few nights Regina and Henry had stayed at the Charming’s apartment. Henry in the bed he usually slept in when staying with his grandparents and Regina on the couch. Not that much sleeping on her part was done. The three nights Regina had stayed all the adults had said their good nights and had gone to their respective sleeping places; only to meet once again in the kitchen a few hours later with reddened eyes and clear tear streaks marring their faces. They tried their hardest to ignore the young teen they could hear crying from the floor above. Henry had refused their hugs and attention wanting to grieve alone. It broke her heart to hear him so upset and not be able to do anything to ease his pain; further more to know he did not want her to.

The funeral had been this morning. Somewhere amongst the late night talks and continuous out bursts of emotions Regina realised it should be Snow and Charming that should arrange it. In turn Charming also took a back seat and allowed his wife to arrange the ceremony. They didn’t even have a naming ceremony for their daughter never mind everything else they missed out on for twenty-eight years; Regina could give them this. It surprised her however when Snow asked Regina for advice and suggestions. From flowers, music to where it should be held and who to invite. Regina couldn’t help but remember the day Emma had left Storybrooke she had berated Regina and Snow’s attempts to get along just for once. Just for her. Why had it taken Emma’s death for the two women to get along? No matter how long it lasted.

Regina had returned home alone. She still saw Henry every day; however he had decided to stay with his grandparents at least until after his mother’s funeral. While Regina wanted her son close she understood his need to cling to the last thing he felt he had left of Emma. Her parents. It was a surprised then on the first morning of Regina returning home she found Snow standing on her doorstep. It was something she did every morning that followed, spending hours at the large house. Something else that had surprised Regina was the openness between herself and her former stepdaughter. During their sessions in which they planned Emma’s funeral they often found themselves talking about Emma and memories and stories they both had about the young woman. They laughed and cried with each other over the past and what ifs. Snow had often talked about her hopes and dreams for her daughter and the plans she had hoped they’d carry out once Emma had gotten older. Plans she now wanted to carry out with Henry.

It was during one of these sessions Snow had pulled out a small piece of paper and handed it to Regina. Upon the lined paper was Emma’s handwriting stating she wanted to be buried in her pink dress. Regina had despite seeing it was clearly written in Emma’s hand had objected. It was clear Emma had been trying to fit to everyone else’s wants when she wrote the note. Emma worn jeans, tank tops and leather jackets; she did not wear dresses. To bury her in one…it wasn’t who Emma was. Snow had smiled sadly back at her before leaving the room. Regina had listened to the other woman moving around before she came back down the stairs. Any other time Regina would have scolded the woman for going through their things and wandering about their home but she found herself not caring anymore.

Snow had reappeared with the pink dress still upon its hanger. The other woman explained Emma had given her the note explaining her wishes while they were at the stables the day before she died. Regina had listened as Snow continued to explain it was the dress Emma had been wearing the night Henry had come to get her from Boston. The night that changed her life for the better. Regina had let her tears fall as she ran her fingers across the dress feeling the material smooth against her touch. It was the dress Emma had told her about as they rode together, the dress Emma had promised Regina would see her in sometime. Regina guessed the blonde had been right after all.

Yesterday had been the worst day. Snow had gone to the hospital’s chapel of rest to prepare Emma. She had left Regina crying down the phone to a perfectly nice receptionist at a hospital in Boston. She couldn’t find Emma’s swan pendant. She could remember before they had gone to the stables looking across and see the necklace was not in its rightful place. The place it had sat since Neal had returned the necklace to Emma two Christmases ago. She had summoned Emma’s boxes carrying her belongings into the study. She hadn’t been ready yet to face walking into the master bedroom, choosing to sleep on one of the couches in the study or living room. She had looked through each of Emma’s boxes several times looking for the small necklace. The floor and furniture of the study had looked like a bomb had exploded. She had cast a finding spell upon the house which should have led her to the exact room and place the hiding pendant was. Except it hadn’t. Regina had concluded Emma must have left it Boston. Regina couldn’t bury Emma without it.

So Regina had looked up all the hospitals she could find in Boston and had rang around every one. Each time having to explain her situation; each time getting more and more upset and irate. With only four more hospitals to go she found the one Emma had been treated at. The receptionist said someone would look into seeing if a necklace matching Regina’s description had been handed into lost property and would call her back. Regina knew before the woman had spoken that it hadn’t been found. Which only left the apartment Emma had been staying in and there was no way Regina could call every landlord in Boston.

She had been crying before she even entered the small room. Whale said it had to be cold to preserve Emma but Regina’s spell was doing that. As she entered she realised just how cold it was. She could feel the hairs on the back of neck and arms stand with the temperature as took in the sight of her love. She wondered if it was the linger of death in the room as she felt its breath against her skin.

Emma had looked beautiful. The dress did look a little big but it seemed to still show every curve of Emma’s body. The makeup Snow had applied truly did make it look as if Emma was sleeping and all Regina would have to do was place a gentle kiss upon her lips and she’d awaken. Except Regina had known that wasn’t true. The dress showed just the right amount of Emma’s long legs only to be finished just right in the shoes Regina and Snow had chosen. Had Emma been about to go out with a beautiful smile upon her lips instead of laying prone upon a cold slab Regina would have said she looked perfect.

Regina had allowed the tears to fall and felt them warm her chilled cheeks as she pulled the lone chair towards the table in the middle of the room. Dressing Emma should have been her job. She had been so irate with finding Emma’s pendant and trying to make something so terrible the best it could be for her love; she hadn’t considered what Emma would have wanted. How embarrassed Emma would have felt knowing her mother had undressed and redressed her. It should have been Regina’s job.

Regina had cried clutching Emma’s hand as she pleaded for forgiveness. Forgiveness for not being able to save her, for allowing Snow to prepare her, for forcing Snow to give her up when she was just hours old and making Emma face this world alone. Forgiveness for waiting so long to tell Emma she loved her, for everything they could have had but never would. She sobbed into Emma’s shoulder, thankful her spell had also preserved Emma’s smell but the coldness of her skin was something she’d never forget. She smelt just like her Emma. Only her cries were not soothed and her hold was not reciprocated and that was worse than anything else Regina had put herself through. The Emma laid upon the table was not her Emma anymore. Her Emma wouldn’t have listened to her cry so violently without holding her just as tightly. She realised in that moment her love was gone.

She still whispered she loved her and begged her love to return to her, but Emma did not respond. Regina’s tears still fell as she explained to the empty room she had tried and failed in trying to find her pendant. She had cried how sorry she was and how she’d tried. Her magic hadn’t been working as it should. Magic was emotion after all and she couldn’t control hers. Explained the only spells which had been successful in the last six days had been the spell to preserve Emma and the spell to get Emma’s boxes from their room. Regina had managed in a quiet confession that she hadn’t returned to their room since the day Emma had left them. Just before Regina had left she held Emma’s hand and with a flick of the other created a perfectly replica of Emma’s swan pendant. It wasn’t the real thing but it was the best she could do. She had placed a gentle goodbye kiss upon Emma’s cold lips and for a fleeting moment tricked herself into believing she saw movement. She hadn’t. She ran her fingers once more through Emma’s hair before leaving with just as many tears glistening upon her cheeks as she had entering the small chilled room.

Later in the day Henry had returned home for his suit to wear for the ceremony. Had he rang Regina she would have willingly brought it over to his grandparents’. She had been surprised to see Neal standing in their foyer. Apparently Henry had rung his father telling him of Emma’s passing and funeral arrangements. Regina had felt momentarily guilty for not calling the man herself; she should have been able to lift the burden off her son’s shoulders. She had been surprised further when Neal had turned up to the funeral with his new girlfriend. Henry had come home from a trip visiting his father a few months ago with exciting stories of his father’s new girlfriend. She seemed to be hit with Henry.

As Regina, Snow and Henry had walked behind the coffin being carried by Charming, Neal, Hook, Archie, Whale and Ruby, Regina had been astonished to see how many people had turned up. Every member of Storybrooke it seemed had turned up. Knowing the ceremony would be busy they had arranged for it to be held outside, but no one expected the masses to come in such a number.

Henry had chosen to sit between herself and Snow as the ceremony started. She couldn’t remember what was said or even who’d said it. Her son had tucked himself at her side and she’d held the boy as he cried over his mother. She hadn’t shed a tear throughout the ceremony. Not really. It was only when Snow White had invited Regina to the front to speak had she broke. As she stood in front of the hundreds of people she had cursed for twenty eight years she expected their hatred and their disgust. Instead she was greeted with their warmth and kindness. The townspeople laughed and cried along with her as she went through her unexpected speech about their beloved Sheriff and Saviour. They treated her as if she was giving a eulogy for the woman she loved instead of the Evil Queen. They had _finally_ accepted her.

Even the weather had mourned the Saviour’s death though it waiting until the coffin was lowered into the ground before it started its downpour. It had been decided between Regina and Snow that Emma wouldn’t be placed inside the Mills mausoleum but the plot beside it. Both families could visit when they wanted, though she suspected by the large crowd Emma’s funeral had attracted the grave site would never be bare of flowers.

As Regina made her way through the house and up the long staircase she wondered if Emma ever fathomed what she meant to their small town. She was not just their Saviour destined to break an evil witches curse, nor was she just their Sherriff. She was a beloved friend to many and would be dearly and truly missed. A loss felt by the whole community and not just those who knew and loved her most.

Regina felt her heart tighten and lurch as she reached the top most steps. She had been avoiding walking up this side all week, not having the courage to step across where Emma had been stolen from them. She had not wanted to relive those moments and yet as she stood looking down upon the spot in which her love had taken her last breath in Regina’s arms, the former Queen found she could do little else.

* * *

 

_Regina's body was numb. She felt nothing as she made her way up the stairs towards Emma. She took the steps two, sometimes three at a time towards her face down lover. “No...Emma. No” Regina chanted unable to keep the panic from her voice. Emma had told her about the time Ruby had found her passed out in the Sheriff’s office that’s all this was. Another seizure. Regina had never thought she’d wish for Emma to be having a seizure. The alternative was unthinkable. It wasn’t possible not yet. But Emma wasn’t moving._

_“Regina” croaked Emma’s strained voice, only just managing to make her voice heard over Regina’s heavy footfalls as she stomped up the stairs._

_“Emma...” Regina said again as the brunette half knelt, half crashed to the ground behind where her fallen partner lay. Without thinking Regina turned Emma over and the pain the blonde was in was apparent instantly. Emma’s once beautiful face was contorted in agony, her mouth open in a cry that never made it from her lungs. Regina had little to no medical knowledge; apart from bandaging scrapped knees and other minor injuries Henry had managed to inflict upon himself she had very little clue as what to do._

_Closing her eyes she tried to transport them both to the hospital. Whale would know what to do. He could do something…anything to help Emma. Regina could feel her heart beating erratically within her chest. Its beat, her emotions and magic were swirling round inside of her making her feel confused and sick; but she knew before she opened her eyes that they were still at the top of the mansion’s staircase. She failed to transport them. She tried and tried but she couldn’t as her cries fell in splutters from her lips._

_Each time she opened her eyes she saw Emma’s pained gaze looking up at her, almost as if she was begging her to do something to help her. Except she couldn’t. She was the Evil Queen. Healing magic of this magnitude wasn’t something she’d ever learnt. She couldn’t even stop Emma’s pain. She was useless. The final time Regina’s eyes opened she saw Emma’s features had relaxed. She looked almost peaceful as her eyes slid closed._

_“No! Talk to me Emma” Regina barked and Emma’s eyes shot open in shock and Regina felt her heart jump in the same fright. Regina didn’t know what to do. What could she do? What should she do? All she could do was partially pull and drag the blonde’s torso up so her head was resting upon Regina’s lap, allowing Regina to stroke Emma’s head. Her brow felt feverish._

_“Hey” Emma exhaled and it shook Regina to her core at just how weak Emma sounded. How was this happening? She’d been fine only minutes ago. What had happened. Why had Regina left her side? Emma had asked her to stay and all Regina had cared about was giving their son pancakes. Henry didn’t need pancakes. Emma had needed Regina._

_“Hey” Regina breathed back knowing her tears were falling. She could see them upon Emma’s pale face. But she also managed a sad smile and saw Emma return it weakly. If only Regina had her cell on her. She could ring for an ambulance._

_“I'm sorry” Emma whispered with the same saddened smile as her eyes slid closed once more. Regina’s stomach lurched within her gut._

_“No!” Regina demanded though it did not carry the same command as her last. Nonetheless Emma flinched, though her eyes did not open._

_“Regina” Emma groaned quietly. No she was not going to lose Emma. She couldn’t, not now. Not after everything. They had plans. They had dreams and they hadn’t gotten a single one of them. Emma deserved her happiness. She couldn’t die. Regina wouldn’t let her!_

_“Emma please. Look at me” Regina begged through her broken sobs. Emma didn’t open her eyes. Emma could not give up. Regina wouldn’t let her. Emma was so damn stubborn and hard-headed. This was not it, Regina wouldn’t let it be it. Emma had to open her eyes and do it now!_

_“Ma?” Henry’s sleep broken voice sounded from behind them. Oh god Henry. He shouldn’t see this. There was no shielding him from this now. It was Henry’s voice however that managed to pull through the fog clouding Emma’s brain because the blonde finally opened her eyes. Regina would cry with happiness if only it was enough to show Emma was going to be okay except she was anything but okay._

_“Go call for an ambulance” Regina told their son with as much determination as she could. Except Henry didn’t move. He just stood looking down at his mothers…his birthmother in shock. “Henry!” Regina shouted pulling Henry out of his staring at Emma who only winced and grabbed for Regina as another wave of pain washed over her. “Go…Call for an ambulance” Regina repeated. She understood her son’s reaction she really and truly did. He could break down once Emma was okay. They both could, but right now Emma needed them. Both of them. Her little boy shook his head, clearing the fog there before he ran back to the master bedroom, clearly to use her cell._

_“Take care of him for me” Emma said her clear tone left nothing to be argued. Except Regina had an argument. She wasn’t going to do this alone not yet!_

_“Emma no don't you dare” Regina said forcefully lowered her face to Emma’s. She wasn’t going to let Emma give up. Not yet. Not after everything Emma had done these last few months. Emma had fought too hard to give up now. She had to keep fighting. She had to. She couldn’t lose Emma yet. Not yet, please. “We...we will take of him…Together” Regina continued as voice broke impossibly so as watched Emma grimace in pain once more._

_“Regina please...” Emma begged though what the other woman was begging for Regina wasn’t sure. She wouldn’t promise to take care of Henry not when Emma wasn’t dying yet. There was no point. When the time came she would. She would and she would be honoured to look after their little boy when the time came, except it wasn’t time yet. Emma had to keep holding on._

_“The ambulance is coming Emma please just hold on” Regina begged, running her finger through the hair that was damp with sweat and Regina’s tears._

_“I'm so tired Regina” Emma pleaded with tears in her eyes and it was then Regina realised what Emma was asking. She was asking her to let her go. She couldn’t. She wouldn’t. Regina clung onto as much of Emma as she could reach without causing the other woman more pain._

_“Please Emma” Regina begged. Begged for Emma to stay with her. Begged her to get better. Begged just to keep fighting. That was all she needed Emma to do. She, Henry, the doctors they would do everything else. All Emma had to do was keep her eyes open and keep fighting. She knew Emma was a fighter. That was all she had to do. Fight!_

_“I need to sleep” Emma breathed as eyes slid closed again. Despite the fatigue she could see Emma was trying to keep her eyes open only for her eyelids to grow heavy and close against her will. She could feel Emma’s hand resting upon the leg that was curled under the prone blonde. Even as her face distorted in agony she was still trying to comfort Regina. To stay connected and be what Regina needed her to be._

_“You can sleep just stay with us” Regina said trying to reason with the woman. She could sleep. She could close her eyes and Regina would take care of her. She just had to keep her heart beating. She just had to relax and Regina would do her job and protect her. Emma didn’t have to worry about anything. That was Regina’s job._

_“Please I need you. Henry needs you. I can't do this without you” Regina pleaded the woman in her arms. She wasn’t ready. She couldn’t do this by herself! Emma was meant to be here. She needed to stay. Regina didn’t ask Emma for much. She had to do this. She had to stay!_

_“You can. You'll be great” Emma croaked with a thinned smile as if she believed it. Emma believed in her. She always had and had promised she always would._

_“I love you” Regina sobbed as she placed a small kiss to Emma’s brow. She felt the moist fevered skin against her lips. She felt Emma’s fingers twitch against her own skin. The only comfort she could give in return._

_“I love y...” Emma said her sentence dying within the air as the blonde froze. Regina felt her own heart shattering as her love took her last breath. She literally felt her heart being crushed in an almost fatal grip by an unseen force within her chest. The tingling feeling she always feels when Emma is around, her magic reacting with Regina stopped almost immediately. Its loss almost crippled her._

_Looking up she could see Emma’s eyes are closed, that small but beautiful smile still upon her lips. She knew but refuses to believe it.  Emma could not be dead she wouldn’t accept it._

_“No! Emma stay with me” Regina’s broken command tore up her throat as she fought the pain she could feel within her chest. She’d missed it. The last thing Emma had seen was not Regina’s face. She would not let that happen. It was unacceptable. Emma was not dead. She was not gone.  “Please don't leave me. We need you” Regina continued her forceful voice broke as Emma failed to respond._

_“Don't do this” Regina shouted at her as she shook the blonde’s shoulders. Except Emma’s head only lulled lifelessly to the side. “No” Regina cried as she moved Emma further across her lap so she could see more of her face. “Please” Regina moaned. “Please Emma, please” she cried as she heard Henry’s heavy footsteps come and stop only a foot away. She couldn’t look at him. Where was the damn ambulance!_

_She placed a hard and deliberate kiss upon Emma’s lips, except Emma did not move. She did not respond. No. This couldn’t be happening. Please. She’d do anything. Anything. Just make Emma breath goddamn it!_

_“Breathe! Emma Breathe!” Regina shouted as she heard their son’s gasped cry. They couldn’t do this without her. She shook Emma again. She was not dead. She wouldn’t accept it. Emma was the Saviour. The product of True Love. The daughter of the insufferable Snow White and Prince Charming. She did not give up!_

_“Wake up!” Regina told the prone woman, except she did not. Emma did not move. Regina moved once more and allowed her eyes to close for a moment before she did it. The very thing she had never wanted to do. A sob broke free of her mouth as she slipped her hands into Emma’s chest. She felt the blonde’s heart inside of her. She felt its magic and strength except it felt wrong. It was not beating._

_Regina closed her eyes once more as she shot a bolt of electric from her hands into the unseen muscle. She heard Henry gasp as he realised what she was trying to do. All that happened was Emma’s body jerked. She did it again and again and again. Each failed attempt only made her cry harder._

_Removing her hands from her love’s chest to check just in case she’d been mistaken. She might just see a small movement. A small indication that she had managed to save her lover. Except she saw nothing. Nothing moved._

_“Please honey wake up” Regina pleaded Emma once again, only this time it was barely a whisper. She bent down once again, this time the kiss placed against the soft lips was gentle. It was careful and precious. But it made no difference. Emma still lay unmoving. “Please wake up...Don't leave me” Regina whispered as she let her head fall upon the blonde’s chest where her heart refused to beat and her lungs refused to draw in breath. She’d failed._

_Her hands...the hands that been the cause of so many deaths...so many to be tortured. Yet she couldn't save the one person she was meant to walk this world with for the rest of their days. Her hand that were meant to be held carefully as they walked down the aisle together. Held tightly as she gave birth to their future children and they watched their first grow up. Her hand Emma was meant to hold as they both aged and turned grey.  Her hands...her heart and magic meant nothing now. Her true love was dead. Emma was gone._

* * *

 

A loud noise from the master bedroom pulled Regina from her thoughts. She could feel the tears that had been threatening to fall all day deepening her cheeks as she steps across the place where Emma died in her arms. The spot that changed her life. The house was tainted with both the good and bad memories she shared with the two people she loved most.

With deliberate slowness Regina opened the bedroom door and saw the room looked just as it did only hours before. It had taken her seven days to make this far but in the hours previous it had been to get her dress for the funeral. It was Emma’s favourite. She had felt she had to look her best for the woman she loved and she couldn’t go to her funeral looking any less than that. As the door opened Regina was hit head-on with the smell in the room. The smell of Emma. It had hadn’t been there when she last entered the room.

The bed was just as Emma had left it over a week ago. Regina didn’t even want to consider doing anything with the sheets. She knew if she only lay down upon Emma’s side and placed her head upon her love’s pillow all she’d smell was the blonde. It would be as if she was surrounded by her once more. Except if Regina did that she might never want to leave this room again. She’d immerse herself in the other woman and would never be able to give that up.

She walked to Emma’s side of the bed and saw for the first time what had made the large thud. Emma’s diary was opened upon the floor. She had seen the book on the bedside table. It had looked secure and far from the edge… how had it fallen off? As she bent down to pick up the small book she felt her fingertips tingle. It was the same feeling she felt when Emma was surround. The sensation Emma had attributed to their connected magic. If she believed in such things she’d wonder if it had been Emma who had knocked the book upon the floor. Regina had confessed in the chapel of rest, to not entering this room in the week since Emma died. The blonde had promised to do what she could … from the other side. Was it Emma? It couldn’t be. Could it?


	19. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down. *Established Swan Queen*

**Title:** Last Thing You'll Do

 **Author** : Calliope-plantain

 **Rating:**  M

 **Pairing:** Regina/Emma

 **Disclaimer:**  I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.

 **Storyline:**  Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.

 **Author's Note:** This is the final chapter.

 **Beta:** Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she’s missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)

As the tingling remained Regina left the master bedroom at a fast sprint. Relief flooded her veins as the feeling persisted despite not being in their room any longer. She wasn’t ready to not consider it theirs. It would always be “theirs”. She tried her hardest not to trip as her feet carried her down the stairs as fast as they could. Mindlessly she took opposite staircase to one she’d taken on the way up.

Entering her study, Regina kicked off her uncomfortable shoes and poured herself a glass of cider. It was much too early to be drinking but Regina felt she needed artificial courage as she ran her fingers across the small book’s cover before she sat down. She felt she had to sit down for this. Whatever this was going to be. She placed her tumbler down after she took a much too healthy chug of the liquid within. Emma had promised Regina would one day read what this book contained, was it too soon? Looking at the small book she could see it held more than simple written pages. Certain pages seemed thicker than the others. Regina resisted the urge to open the small diary at those pages. She was going to do this right.

Regina felt her eyes moistening at the prospect of what she was about to do. She was about read Emma’s thoughts… Emma’s life for the last four months. She knew the basics. She knew that much but these pages they held her last chance to have an insight. Her last chance to understand and live Emma’s last days with her. Part of her couldn’t wait and yet the part…the bigger part felt apprehension. What if reading it made Regina feel worse? She had felt during Emma’s explanations Emma had sugar-coated some things. What if what she read made her feel worse about letting her walk away all those months ago? She doubted it was possible but the small book clutched in her hands had the power to do it. To destroy her.

She had to do this. She was going to do it! Regina took another large gulp from her glass. She could still feel the familiar prickle down her spine and across her skin that only Emma brought. Whether she believed in such things, she felt as if Emma was in the room with her. Sitting just out of sight, making sure she wasn’t alone. She took comfort in her fantasy. Maybe it wasn’t healthy to think such things. She didn’t care. Right now it was a fantasy that allowed her to keep breathing. A fantasy that allowed her to finally open the first page.

She was greeted by Emma’s neat handwriting. It had improved greatly since her first days as Sheriff. With the amount of paperwork Regina and Snow had made her fill out as they played out their terms as Mayor it was hardly a surprise the blonde’s writing had improved dramatically. Regina felt her tears fall at she took in Emma’s instruction. It was there in black and white; that if anything should happen to her the book should be mailed to Regina at their address.

It was something Emma had clearly added once she left for Boston. It was agonisingly clear that had Emma passed away while she was in Boston that the person responsible for her things had to make sure Regina got this small book. Regina didn’t know if knowing such information made it easier or not. They hadn’t been together and yet Emma sort to even after she’d left this world for Regina to understand. Understand she still loved her. Turning the page she saw the book was more of a notebook. It had no dates but the one inscribed in Emma's hand at the top of the page. What surprised her more was the line that followed; the one that read “Dear Regina”.

_19 th March 2014_

_Dear Regina,_

_I don’t write diaries. I don’t really know where to start. Before my life in Storybrooke, my life wasn’t interesting enough to write down to read in years to come.  I don’t know how long I’ll keep this up or how long I’ll have to. I thought maybe it might make it easier if I write my entries to you rather than “Dear diary”. We’ll see how it goes. All other diaries I’ve written have barely made it to January 14 th so wish me luck!_

_I don’t know where to start. Why do these things have to be so damn hard? I just wanted to say sorry for being such a bitch lately. I don’t even know why it keeps happening. One minute I’m fine and then the next we’re having a full blown argument. But I do have a confession to make. One I really wish I could just tell you in person. I’ve been seeing Whale. As in as a patient nothing creepy!  Last Friday I passed out I guess you could say. It couldn’t have been for long because Ruby rang from the diner to ask if I wanted anything and then the next thing I knew she was standing over me.  She took me to see him and Whale said it was probably Anaemia or stress related ulcer. Anaemia is more likely and can be treated with iron supplements and eating more green foods. Yes I can hear your sweet and beautiful voice already telling me “I told you so” … so don’t!_

_I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to worry you. The tests haven’t come back yet but Whale says as soon as they do, I’ll know. You’d think for small town blood tests would be quicker not slower than the outside world. But I do have another confession – one that possibly scares me a little bit more, and is the reason I’m writing this “diary”. Whale suggested I could use it to document my mood and behaviour which I guess doesn’t do either of us any harm. It might show triggers or patterns._

_The thing that worries me is my concentration and forgetfulness. Again stop rolling your eyes and your knowing grin. I know I have a terrible concentration span and I forget pretty much everything but I mean it. I know you aren’t really talking to me at the moment and I understand why, I do. I should have been at Henry’s Spelling Bee and I didn’t forget it or miss on purpose. I wish you’d believe me. It just… I dunno fell out of my head? I had a stack of paperwork that needed to be done and I did it and I was happy. But then I got home and you were so angry at me I didn’t understand why._

_It wasn’t until you said about his Spelling Bee that I even remembered. I mean how shit it that?! I forgot our kid’s Spelling Bee. We’ve been quizzing him for weeks now on words that are so unlikely to come up but we had to make sure he was prepared for anything. How did I forget? I didn’t mean to! I’m glad Henry understands… or at least he seems to. He’s talking to me and looking at me which is more than I can say for you. I wish you’d just tell me how to make it better. I wish I could tell you about all this stuff but every time I do it just doesn’t come out. Or another argument starts and I don’t want that to be how I tell you._

_I’ve looked into Anaemia. On the whole it fits. Tiredness, headaches, dizziness, difficulty concentrating etc. It fits. Just waiting on these test results so Whale can start treating me. Just wish they’d hurry up. My headaches are getting worse. It feels like I could just scoop the headache out of my head. They’re always in the same place. I just wish they’d stop. I suppose taking iron supplements and eating healthier won’t kill me even if it’s not Anaemia._

_I love you Regina. I might be a complete bitch most of the time and we might fight like cat and dog, but please remember that I love you. I will ALWAYS love you.  X_

Regina read the words twice. Taking in every word. Every tear that fell she wiped away forcefully in fear it might smudge Emma’s precious words. It hurt deep within her chest to read Emma’s description of events. To know what she knew now and see and feel what Emma had felt so many months ago. Emma had written this just two days after Henry’s Spelling Bee. Regina had hardly spoken to her in the days that followed. When Emma had explained that her cancer made her forget things, it was this event that had come to the forefront of her mind because she knew just how unlike Emma it had been. How had she not realised that at the time? Her feud with Snow, that’s how. She had believed Emma was pulling away and Snow was the cause. Regina hadn’t been wrong. Emma was pulling away but the cause was something entirely different. It was something she couldn’t control. She wished more than anything that Emma had confided in her. If only she’d told her. Just maybe they wouldn’t have had to put her in the ground today.

* * *

 

_21 st March 2014_

_Dear Regina,_

_It’s not Anaemia. I don’t know what to do. We had another fight tonight and I took off. It wasn’t smart and I know it was running away but I couldn’t just…I couldn’t just stand there and have you shouting at me and not tell you. I know it’s not your fault. It’s mine. I provoked you…somehow. I can’t remember what I said, but whatever it was I am so sorry. You have to believe me. Whatever it was, I didn’t mean it. I wouldn’t hurt you. Not knowingly. I know we fight and we say things we don’t mean but you looked so angry and upset with me. I haven’t seen you look so upset at me in well over a year, Regina. God damn it I just wish I knew what the hell it was I said. It’s like this blank…nothing inside my head. We were talking and then you were throwing a cup or something at the wall._

_I don’t know what to do. Whale got back to me. I’m sitting on the bug right now. I’ve just seen him. There’s some level in my blood that’s high. Like scarily…dangerously high. I can’t even remember what letter it started with to even try and spell it. He’s took more blood. I hate having blood taken. It makes me feel sick. The last lot of blood tests were to rule out the different types of Anaemia – I wasn’t even aware there was more than one! I just thought it was you know…Anaemia._

_But these ones…god. Regina I really wish you were talking to me. I don’t…I can’t. I just don’t know what to do! I know I keep saying that but I just truly don’t know what to do. Whale took more blood to rule other things out. Some stuff I recognised; other stuff I probably shouldn’t look up because it’ll only terrify me more. Regina he’s also looking for cancer markers. If I’m honest I don’t totally understand what that means but I know what cancer is. I can’t have cancer right? I’m 30 years old! It can’t be cancer – that’s just stupid. I’ve fought dragons and giants and creepy teenage old men. I fought fricking Peter Pan and survived….it can’t be cancer can it?_

_Whale says he’ll get these tests done quicker. I’m guessing possible cancer trumps Anaemia. I wish you were here and you weren’t mad at me. Can I proof you here and you just not be mad? You can go back and be angry at me I don’t mind just…god I wish you were holding me right now. I know to write that now and you might end up reading this I don’t know…I don’t want you to feel guilty. Whatever happens and if my self-confidence lets you read this crap I’m just scribbling away, please know I don’t blame you. It’s all on me. I’m the idiot that can’t keep my mouth shut._

_I’m on patrol tonight. It’s cold and my head really hurts. Sometimes I wish my mother wasn’t Mayor. I also wish that sentence still didn’t freak me out. My mother is Mayor…and I’m her Sheriff. Sometimes I really wish I wasn’t. Right now I’d much rather be curled up in bed next to you – and yes it’s only seven…nearly. Just wish I wasn’t in this dam car, alone.  I wish I hadn’t upset you. I’ll see you later._

_I love you, please don’t forget that x_

Regina knew her tears were falling freely now. When she had turned the page she could already see the ink had been smudged by the last person who looked at this page. Emma had been crying when she wrote it. She remembered the night. It was first of a few nights Emma had left straight after dinner. Henry had been in his room when the argument started. It had been about him and she couldn’t even remember what Emma had said. But Emma had been right; it was a mug that had met its violent end that night as it smashed off the wall. Emma had been crying and worried about her results, with a fucking tumour growing in her skull. The other woman had told her not to feel guilty but she found she could be little else as she took in particular phrases. God why hadn’t Emma told her! Why hadn’t she given into the impulse and transported herself to Regina…or simple rang her and she’d have gone to Emma. She knew how angry she had been that night but part of it was because of Emma’s lack of concern. Lack of caring for what she’d said and for the situation they found themselves.

Emma had stormed off without a second glance. It was only because she had a call from Ruby checking it was Emma who was taking that night’s patrol she knew not to expect the blonde until late. If only Emma had called she would have gone to her. She would have put her anger aside upon seeing Emma was clearly upset. They could have talked. Even if they hadn’t…even if Emma still couldn’t tell her, Regina still could have been what Emma needed her to be. Emma had been so scared and yet she carried that burden alone. Regina had seen what was happening. What the stress of what she now knew to be worry on top of her illness was doing to Emma and while she worried, god she had worried it hadn’t been enough. She had pushed enough. She hadn’t loved Emma enough to make her see, she could tell her…tell her anything. She knew Emma hadn’t told her to protect her, but it wasn’t Regina who needed protecting. It was Emma.

* * *

 

_26 th March 2014_

_Dear Regina,_

_It is cancer. What…where…we don’t know. First we need to know where it originated, what type…how bad. I got a call from Whale today telling me to go to his office – I’m really starting to hate that place. Managed to lie to Ruby I guess you’d say. I was honest and said Whale had requested I go see him. I think she thought I was on Sheriff’s business. If she thought anything else she didn’t let on._

_Whale took an MRI and CT scan. I wasn’t even aware they were that different and I’m rather glad I’m not too claustrophobia because fuck those things are small. Having Whale explain it’s almost over and whatever you do, don’t move…not massively comforting. He’s looking over the results and planning the next course of action. He’s calling me tomorrow when he’s available to see me. He’s put under a different name so people don’t know – makes me feel like the president or something. Or it would if I was…so damn scared._

_Glioblastoma Multiforme. That’s what he thinks it is. Yes I had to Google that spelling! I haven’t really looking into it. But I’m scared Regina. Whale says untreated I could have like 4 months…from when it started growing. He doesn’t know how far along it is. How can I have not known I had fucking tumour growing in my brain? 4 months? It’s not enough. He has to be wrong right?_

_Please don’t hate me. I really need you not to do that. I didn’t know what else to do. I went to Gold, and I know if I was telling you this in person you’d be screaming at me by now. I didn’t make a deal with him. I would have. I know you’d be furious me with me, but if this is as bad as it can be…I don’t want to leave you and Henry. I won’t… I can’t. So I went to him, but there wasn’t anything he could do. Sucks right. The mysterious and powerful Dark One can’t help me. I’m truly fucked, aren’t I?_

_He tried and failed. I don’t know what to do. I was sitting across from you at dinner tonight and it was all I could do but not burst into tears. I know things haven’t been great but I’ve been trying. Trying so damn hard. You looked genuinely surprised when I kissed you goodbye. My kisses…my love for you should never be a surprise.   You say you know I love you and yet you looked so shocked. Why Regina? Because I love you more than I know how to say. It took all my willpower to come on the patrol tonight, because kissing you…knowing, god knowing it might not be for long. How could I stop? How could ever stop kissing you? Ever stop loving you? Because I do._

_I love you and I love Henry more than I ever thought was possible and it hurts Regina. It hurts just thinking about losing you both. I can’t do that. Gold might not be able to help me but I’m not giving up. I’ll jump through all the damn hoops Whale says. I will get better. I have to stop hurting you. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t have you look at me the way you have been recently. You used to look at me with love… that sickly over the top but damn amazing kind, like I was the only person in the room. As if I was special. But now… now you don’t. You look scared and unsure. You never have to be scared of me Regina, not ever. Don’t you dare doubt me not for a second. No matter what happens I will love you for the rest of time.  To the end of this world and any other. I’m yours and yours alone and I wouldn’t have it any other way._

_Yours xx_

Regina closed the book, one finger keeping her place as not even her hand could contain her sobs. She could feel the tears spill across the back of her hand clutched to her mouth. How had Emma done this? All of this on her own. It wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair. Part of her wanted to throw the book across the room and never look at it again. Except she couldn’t. It had been cancer and now finally the Emma upon the pages knew. Regina should have been there to hold her hand through the news and been there to tell her, the scans were almost over and how amazing she was being.

She remembered the night Emma had gone out to do a patrol but not before kissing her goodbye. Emma had been right she had been surprised by the kiss Emma placed upon her lips. It had been the only physical contact they’d had in over a week. Emma hadn’t spoken through dinner and Regina assumed she wouldn’t even say goodbye before she left. Except now she knew why. Emma hadn’t spoken for fear of breaking down. Emma never needed to be strong for her. She understood the need to be strong for Henry even now, but her? Never.  It was Regina who was Emma’s forever. Emma had told her that one day she’d move on and that was okay as long as she was happy. But she wouldn’t. She’d never be happy in someone else’s arms. Another sob racked through the brunette’s chest as she realised perhaps foolishly late that she would never feel Emma’s arms around her again.

* * *

 

_28 th March 2014_

_Regina,_

_I’m so sorry. I am so so so damn sorry. I love you. I love you so fucking much. You weren’t supposed to come and see me. Why didn’t you go to work? Why did you come with you beautiful smile and have to ruin everything? Because it wasn’t hard enough!  Regina why? Why did you do it? Why do you have to be so damn perfect? I’m so sorry. I really I am. I didn’t mean it. I can still see you face. God I’m so sorry. I love you, you have to believe me. I love you so much._

_I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t keep hurting you. You looked so happy last night. In the office today. You looked so happy. I know what I’ve said hurt you and I am so sorry but in the long run…maybe it’s better. I don’t know. Please don’t hate me. God please don’t. I saw the ring. I know I shouldn’t have been going through your things but I wanted a pair of your socks, you know the thick ones. But then I saw it and I couldn’t._

_I can’t believe it Regina. You wanna marry me? Well not anymore I guess. Shit! You brought a ring. It’s beautiful. I couldn’t let you ask. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. Marriage … its forever. At least with you, I’d want it be for … forever. I don’t know if I have that. I couldn’t promise you it when I don’t know if I have it to give. I would have said yes, god Regina I would have. I would have said in a heartbeat, if you’d asked. I want to marry you. From the moment I realised I loved you, I knew I was hooked. Before then probably. I was never able to resist you._

_You looked so broken. I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t explain. How could I? How do you explain this to someone? Someone you love. I couldn’t stay and not tell you. I couldn’t lie anymore. I’ve been lying for too long. I wish you here and I know it’s my fault you’re not. It my fault. But I’m glad you’re not too. I need you to look after Henry. God Henry.  He’s 13 and I could be losing him all over again. I’m his Ma, I’m meant to look out for him. Look after him and shield him from all this. I need you to look after him, I need to know if…I just need to know._

_I know you deserve to know, but you don’t deserve this. You deserve the best, and I wish I could give you it. You don’t deserve to be my nurse and to hold my hand. I don’t deserve you. I never did. I did something brilliant and I got lucky but I guess my luck ran out. I’m not giving up. I know you hate me right now, I don’t blame you. But I’m not giving up – not on you or Henry. I’m fighting and I’m fighting for you. You might never read this, and part of me hopes you never do. But if you do, please know I never meant to hurt you or him. I left to protect you. I hate myself right now and I wish I was with you both, but I’d rather come back whole. Come back healthy, for you._

_Emma x_

Regina had believed Emma had left her and Storybrooke behind without a care in the world. She had doubted Emma had even given them a thought as she crossed the town line. Except she had. She had cared. She cared so much it broke the woman reading. Part of her had hated Emma, had hated her the moment she walked out of that office up until the day she turned up on her doorstep. But part of her never had. Never would. It hadn’t let her, and it was the part that had questioned Emma’s words that day. Why hadn’t it been louder? Why hadn’t it screamed at her until she listened? Emma had loved her, she knew that now. Thinking back she had seen the pain it caused her to say she no longer did, only Regina’s pain and upset had been too great to realise it. To see it for what it truly was.

Regina would have done it all. Held her hand and pulled her hair out of the way as she vomited. She would have held her close and soothed any fever. She would have done and been everything to the woman she loved if only she had known. Emma had wished she had stayed, even on the day she left. She had this idea that she was doing Regina a favour. That somehow by pushing the brunette away she was making it easier on both women except hadn’t. She made it harder. Emma had gone through all of this on her own, and she hadn’t have needed to. She would have done anything she could to make Emma feel better and she could have done it at her side.

Despite Emma’s open conversation about marriage she had doubted Regina wanted to marry her. Of course Regina had. She loved her. She wanted Emma. Both had fought and struggled for a family and acceptance their entire lives and she had found that in Emma. She’d found her happy ending. Except as she sat sipping on cider in her empty house she found it almost difficult to believe. She had found her. Had loved and cherished her. Their love had been real, but now she was gone.

* * *

 

_31 st March 2014_

_Dear Regina,_

_I miss you. I’ve listened to all your voicemails. Several times. Pretty sure I’m torturing myself by even keeping my cell on. Every time it rings…every time I hear your ringtone I feel butterflies. All I have to do is answer. Press one button and you’d be there. I know that. I do; but I can’t talk to you. I couldn’t hear you talk and not tell you. I know you. You’d say you’d come straight to Boston. Don’t lie and say you wouldn’t. I couldn’t have you and Henry uprooting your lives for me._

_I wish you were here. I got an apartment yesterday. It’s a few blocks away from the apartment I had before Storybrooke. Its owned by the same guy and he offered me one in the same building. I couldn’t do it. I’m moving forward not back. It’s only a few months lease. I won’t be here long. If I have to be operated on then it’ll be a while before I can drive but I’m only staying for as long as I need. I’m coming back. I promise you that._

_Today though … ergh today I had my hair cut. It’s needed for my biopsy. It’s either that or they shave this huge chunk out of hair – was not going to do that so I cut it. The style is quite nice – you’ll like it. Might attach a picture if I can find my camera.  If they need to operate shorter hair is better too as it’s easier to manage. That said I did sit in the chair and cry. I mean like disgusting, snotty, ugly crying. I kinder feel bad for the hairdresser. I might send her something. It just became real you know. I have brain cancer._

_Also saw the specialist Whale contacted for me. No idea how magical fairy tale characters have contacts in the outside world – and today I found I cared very little. Guess what he did? Go on guess. He took more blood. I feel like pin cushion. Know what’s worse? I fricking passed out! Because of the blood not the tumour. Nothing quite puts your mind at ease as you lay on gurney and try not to throw your guts up I’m telling you. He seemed nice enough. A little … stuck up and a little too clever. But I guess if the worst I can say about the guy who’s gonna cut into my head is he’s too clever, I’ll be in safe hands. He did another CT scan and a chest X-ray to see if it had spread to my lungs. He also checked my vision and hearing as well as blood pressure etc. I swear I feel like a lab rat._

_He agrees with Whale and says he thinks it’s a type called Glioblastoma Multiforme. I mean Whale told me some stuff and I’ve Googled it. I hope it’s not, but the symptoms fit; and I mean they fit. Seizure, vomiting, headaches, memory loss, personality changes etc. I think they’re just covering their backs before they start cutting away parts of my brain, because damn it sounds like it._

_I feel like I’m autopilot. I know what I have to do and I’m just doing it. I can’t think of anything else. My biopsy is scheduled for the 2nd – so Wednesday. I have an appointment tomorrow to sort my will out. A will. I’m 30 years old…how can I be going through my will now? I guess if you were here you’d tell me as soon as you adopted Henry you did yours? Or did you not need to – fairytale curses and all?_

_I’m going to bed. I haven’t really been able to sleep since left Storybrooke, but I’m just so damn tired all the time. I wish you were here. I could really use you right now. I love you._

_Emma._

Another letter down and all Regina could do was sit and stare at the words upon the page; open mouthed. Stapled to the top of the page was a photo Emma had clearly taken in the bathroom mirror of her new apartment. The blonde hadn’t been wrong when she said it had been similar to Regina’s during Emma’s first year in Storybrooke. It was practically identical. Emma had fainted when this specialist had drawn blood? She hadn’t told her that. The brunette gently traced the words “ _Glioblastoma Multiforme“_. Emma’s hand did not pause. The letters were smooth and uninterrupted…because Emma had known exactly how to spell them. She knew Emma. Emma had said she had Googled the type of tumour, Regina knew she had obsessively done so. Not that she blamed her.

“Emma” Regina breathed at the unseen presence in the room. How could the blonde have been so stupid and hard-headed? She had listened to each of Regina’s messages. Each of them begged for Emma to do whatever she needed to get the blonde back. All Emma had had to do was pick up the phone. The other woman had wrote just as much. She knew. She had stopped Regina from being able to help. She wanted Regina…. She had written that she needed her and yet hadn’t picked up the damn phone. Emma had been right. Had Emma told her, she would have arranged for Henry to spend time at his grandparents’ and she would have broken every speed limit from here to Boston.

Regina couldn’t help the furrow of her brow when she took in the next date. It was a week after the previous. 

* * *

 

_7 th April 2014_

_Regina,_

_I’m scared. I’m terrified. I’m sorry I woke you up. I’m sorry I woke you up and didn’t speak. I didn’t know what to do. I caved. I heard your voice…you sounded so relieved to hear from me I couldn’t tell you. The words wouldn’t come out. I want you here so badly. I’m selfish and self-centred but I need you here._

_You sounded so happy and all I could think was at least she’s not mad at me. I couldn’t take that happiness away from you. I love you Regina so much. I love Henry more than I ever thought I could love another person. You have to keep being happy okay? That’s all I ask. Please keep being happy. I need you to be happy._

_What if I die on the table Regina? What if they cut open my head and realise there’s nothing they can do? Whale said four months. He doesn’t know when it started to grow._

_What happens if it’s soon? There is so much I didn’t get to do. I thought I had more time you know. I wanted to wear your ring and take your last name. I finally found my family. You and Henry. We were happy and had such plans…_

_Remember Christmas? How was that only three months ago? I meant what I said. Our family…we’re meant to be building memories that no one else can touch. Just us three … or more, later down the line. Regina I want you. Forever. What if I don’t make it off the table? What if this is all we get? The most amazing 19 months of my life?_

_I want you to know I love you. I love you with every fibre of my being. Thank you Regina for everything. Thank you for adopting Henry and raising him better than I ever could. Thank you for loving me and accepting me warts and all. Thank you for letting me in and letting me love you; because believe me when I say I have no idea what I did to get so lucky._

_I love you, see you on the other side xx_

Regina let her tears spill freely as her body shook so violently she felt the couch beneath her move. She remembered clearly the night in the question and had indeed been overjoyed and giddy upon seeing Emma’s name flash up on her cell. A feeling that only intensified as she pressed the connect button. The sensation only dwindle each passing second Emma ignored her pleas to talk before hanging up.

Being completely clueless Regina tried to stay awake in case her absent love called back. An hour passed before she finally lost her battle against sleep, her cell still clutched in her head. She’d cursed Emma’s name the next day. She’d woke her for no apparent reason and didn’t even have the decency to talk to her when she did.

Except Emma had every reason to call her. Emma was terrified. Of course she was. She could have died on the operating table. She was glad that had that have happened the last words Emma had heard were not ones of angry or distain; but it did not make her feel better. She may not have vocalised her frustrations directly but she carried them around with her the next day as her love went under the knife.

Regina left her fingertips glide across the indentations made by the pen. There was something about these pages. This entry that made it hard to turn the page. Emma had believed that she might die and her parting words had been those to ensure Regina knew that she was loved. Regina had still believed Emma’s words in which she had denied her love for the older woman and yet here in black and white, in what could have been her final words with Regina; Emma had said she loved her.

Turning the page Regina felt her stomach lurch despite knowing the outcome of Emma’s operation. The blue handwriting on the following page was not Emma’s.

* * *

 

_8 th April 2014_

_Dear Regina,_

_My name is Rose, I’m one of the nurses in charge of Emma’s care at the moment. She asked me to write an update in this book for you. I’ve just finished my shift so I am happy to do so, though I will be honest there isn’t much to tell at the moment._

_She is still rather groggy which is perfectly common and not anything to worry about. She’s also still in ICU and if she keeps progressing at the rate she is, she’ll be out and be taken to the neurosurgical acute care unit in the next few days._

_In terms of the surgery it was what we would consider a success. Due to the position of the tumour complete resection sadly was not likely. The surgeon managed to get 60% out, which believe me is a tick in the plus column for us. Once Emma is up on her feet her options of where to go from here will be discussed._

_I just would like to add no confidentiality has been broken – Emma is reading this and telling me what to write … and not to write. Once Emma is feeling better she will update you herself._

_Rose._

* * *

 

_17 th April 2014_

_Hey Regina,_

_It’s me again – just in case you can’t tell. Just kinder wanted to say hey and that I’m alive. Tracy died last night. I know you don’t know who she is but she came in the same day as me. Just reminded me I'm really not out of the woods yet._

_But I’m feeling better. Ten days post op and I’m feeling much better. I kinder feel like I need to update you on everything but some bit are a blur – due to medication nothing else._

_Straight after my operation everything … and I mean everything hurt. My head, jaw, throat from the tubes. My eyes because they kept checking my pupils by shining a light in my eye which guess what HURT! I woke up with more IVs than I know I had when I went to sleep. Most came out in the first few days. When they took out my arterial line I have this huge bruise on my hand/wrist/thumb area. I'll attach the photo I took it'll be easier than explaining. First day they had me on a heat pad because I was freezing - common thing, nothing bad. Then the second day Rose gave me earplugs because I was extremely sensitive to sound. Wasn't helped by the weird noise I could hear from inside my own head. Yeah! Something I wasn't told and scared me beyond the telling. I could hear the air in my head moving around. Gross right? Remind me to tell Henry, he's weird and will probably love it._

_Also had huge bruises around my eyes. Seriously I am not attractive right now. More so because the bruising is turning yellow._

_The headaches I had in the days afterwards were nothing to the ones I had when I was at home. Not hugely suprising considering I had had my head opened up and my brain prodded and poked. They kept coming in and asking questions to check they hadn't fucked anything up and taking my temperature and heart rate that kind of thing. They’re also very interested in my toilet habits … it’s not pleasant._

_I have pretty much slept a lot and struggled to sleep a lot too. Been on these steroids to reduce swelling in my brain. I can’t wait to get out of here. Oh I can do Sudoku puzzles now. Well I think I can. I’ll attach the one I did earlier … just lie and say it’s right if it’s not hehe. They get me to do little tasks like word searches, cross words etc to “exercise” my brain. It’s a little quirky but if it makes me smarter I’m all for it._

_Talk later, love you xx_

Regina couldn’t help but smile once she’d turned the page to see Emma’s writing again. It looked a little messy but it was still legible. However before reading her attention had been caught by the images of Emma’s hand and her incision which looked rather fresh. In the image of her incision Regina could also one of Emma’s eyes. It looked as if she’d been punched by a sumo wrestler. She felt her stomach flip and bite her tongue to stop the cider from reappearing. Drinking on an empty stomach hadn’t been wise. She hadn’t been able to stomach anything at the wake which had been held at Granny’s of course.

The bruise on her hand was quite a considerable size. How was medication designed to help you also able to make you suffer just as much as the aliment it was meant to help?

Reading the message she was glad to see Emma’s usual flare and personality was returning, though diluted. She felt for the lady’s family who’d passed away. It could have been so easily Emma, though obviously Regina didn’t know anything about the other woman’s condition, Emma was right she supposed. It had served as a reminder that things aren’t always as good as they seem. As the turned the page she couldn’t help but smile at the second page of writing which as promised had a completed Sudoku puzzle attached but also an extra photo of a smiling Emma looking out at her. The blonde was indeed right the bruises were yellowing and fading, but she had been wrong in questioning her attractiveness. She looked just as pretty as she always did. Regina couldn’t help but smile at the woman smiling up at her. While it wasn’t quite her full blown smile, it was close. Almost perfect.

* * *

 

_29 th April 2014_

_Hello Regina,_

_I am back in my apartment. I made it out! I was discharged last night. I was going to ring you last night but wanted to check with Mary Margaret how things were in Storybrooke. We may have talked a little longer than expected. It’s weird if I think of her as the woman I shared an apartment with it’s a lot easier to talk to her…you know if I don’t think of her as my mother._

_Anyway after talking to her I managed to have my first bath in 3 weeks unsupervised! How awesome is that? Okay I am aware it’s a stupid thing to get excited over but god it felt amazing not to have a nurse giving me a sponge bath or watching from the doorway to make you don’t drown by accident. I feel ridiculously clean, even now. But only I’d done that I was so tired and my head was aching. Not like a headache … it’s hard to explain. Basically I over did it. So I went to bed. Our photo is back in its rightful place beside my bed. I took it into hospital with me. It makes me feel like your watching over me._

_I’m going to call you later. Actually kinder scared but I know I have to. You deserve to know. I want you to know. I’m not completely fixed, but I’m getting there! I don’t know what will happen once you know. Okay that isn’t true. Knowing you, you’ll come here. For the first time in a long time that idea doesn’t scare me. I guess just knowing what to expect with my symptoms and most of them have finally gone *dances* … yes I know I am a child; just makes it easier. You won’t be my carer or nurse. For now, I no longer need one._

_Just go easy on me okay? Got an appointment today at the clinic to check my battle wound and talk through my diet and all that.  So I will probably write another … Letter? Later._

_All my love, your vastly improving Emma xx_

Regina couldn’t help the large smile upon her face as she read Emma’s words. They were almost playful. But it was with a heavy heart she remembered the call had never come. Emma had only rang the night…or morning of the operation and when she was driving home. Emma was right though, she would have driven the miles between them if only Emma had rung her with her news.

Turning the page she saw more writing only this wasn’t dated. Writing was blue instead of the usual black. In parts it smudge so badly it was illegible. What on earth had happened at the clinic…in the hours since Emma wrote the last entry? She read on with still ever present tears falling down her face as she tried to ignore the fast approaching headache she knew was coming. She had to finish…she wouldn’t stop reading until she did.

_Regina? I don’t know what to do to make any of this better. I’ve fucked up again. Things were getting better and I fucked up again haven’t I. I just got your voicemail. I fell asleep again. The pain meds they have me on at the moment do that. Seriously my arms and legs go all wobbly, make me feel a little dizzy and everything feels tingly. But I should have rung you. I’m sorry Regina._

_I wasn’t picking Mary Margaret over you. I was trying to gauge how you’d react to me if I rung and then time got away from me. Please don’t hate me. You still love me right? I can’t do this without you. I know I ran away, but you’re still here with me. Every moment of every day, you’re here._

_I saw I had voicemails from you but I was going to call you. You have to believe me. You do right? It’s late and I don’t know what to do. I want to call you back but you sounded so angry with me. You said you didn’t care if I was dead or not. Regina…that’s…fuck. You deserve the world Regina and I’d give you it if I could. I left because you didn’t deserve this. I know you wouldn’t believe me._

_I’m going to wait. Please ring me back. Tell me you didn’t mean it. I want to come home. Just over two months and I could be back. Please ring me so I can tell you. I’m getting better Regina. I’ve done all of this for you and Henry. I need you._

_I love you._

Regina sat transfixed staring at the smudged words. Words of so much pain when they’d been filled with more happiness than they had in months. Emma had finally been ready to talk to her. To tell her. The other woman had told her as much, but seeing it. Seeing it in writing from over two months ago, it made it more real. What if Emma had died? She’d have died truly believing Regina hated her, and didn’t care what happened to her. When in reality Regina had been waiting for Emma to call, to defy her drunken wishes; over two hundred miles away.

Emma had been getting better in her physical, emotional and mental health and Regina had all but shattered it because of an angry phone call fuelled by alcohol. She had regretted that night. She regretted it the next day, but she never thought it would make her feel like this. Rotten. Cruel. Unkind. She had broken Emma. Everything she had said that night she had known would hurt her lover and used that knowledge…that intimate knowledge to rip the woman to shreds. She’d give anything to take it back. Emma would have called her that night. She would have called and it would have been another two months they gained. Instead those months were added to the many prior to it they wasted and would never, ever get back. It was with a laboured whine, Regina turned the page once more.

* * *

 

_7 th May 2014_

_You really meant it didn’t you. I’ve listened to your last message more times than I know how to count. Stupid I know but I keep feeling like maybe this time it’s different. Or I’ve missed something. But I haven’t, it never changes. You said you loved me. Past tense.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised I said it too didn’t I? Only I didn’t mean it Regina. I only said it to get you to stay. So you wouldn’t follow me. Guess it worked. You said you didn’t care if I was dead. You were just angry. You didn’t mean that. Right?_

_I just want to call you. God I wish you were here. I wish you didn’t hate me. I wish I knew how to make this all better. I never gave up. I can’t lie it’s not been easy. Especially these last few weeks. I’m pretty much housebound – can’t have a person with their brain hanging out walking the streets. Okay that’s over the top, the site is healing “quite nicely” according to the nurse at the clinic. But still I’m not to be trusted outside on my own. I don’t think I trust me on my own outside yet._

_My neighbour has been getting me stuff. She seems nice enough. A little too friendly but she’s helping me out so I can’t really complain._

_I never betrayed you Regina. I know you think I did, but I didn’t. Or maybe I did. We promised to tell each other everything and I didn’t do that. I thought I was keeping you save. Keeping Henry save. If it was something small then why worry everyone? But then it wasn’t. It something huge and I couldn’t force you to do that. Look after me. You already were. The morning I was throwing up in the main bathroom and you came in and you were amazing. You did and said all the right things. How could I make you do that for the rest of my life?_

_Well I haven’t been sick since the morning of my operation so I guess that wouldn’t have been a problem anymore, but the rest of it. It’s still not very pretty. I’m still not out of the woods. If I do…die I wouldn’t have wanted these last few weeks to be what you remember me by. Instead now I’ll be the bitch that broke your heart and I’m so sorry._

_I’m still fighting Regina. We were both wrong … or you were right originally I guess. I have you and Henry. That’s what I have waiting for me in Storybrooke. Okay maybe not waiting. Not anymore. As soon as I can drive again I’m coming home. You can slam the door in my face for all I care but I’m coming back to you. I can’t think of anything else because Regina it’s so damn hard to keep fighting. I’ve fought all my life. In the system, in my jobs, in Storybrooke… against and with you. I’m a fighter but it’s getting too hard. I feel so fucking tired all the time. All the damn time. Like that deep down in your bones kind of tired. It hurts in my head, body and heart. The kind that makes it so hard to even get out of bed._

_So I’m fighting for you. The chance just to explain myself in person. What you do after that… whatever it is I won’t blame you. Keep hating me if you want. It’s more than I deserve. You’re right Henry and you do deserve better. I’ve always known it, you know. In the start I kept waiting for you to realise it too. You’d realise I really am just an orphan that no one wanted. I got by and did it on my own. I wasn’t someone exceptional. I wasn’t anyone’s Saviour. I was just me – and for whatever reason you saw something special there._

_Would you Regina? Would you slam the door in my face? I wouldn’t blame you. You said you didn’t want me to come back. That I couldn’t. Did you mean that? I hope you didn’t. I don’t deserve much from you, but I know you deserve an explanation._

_I love you. I always have and always will._

_Forever._

* * *

 

_12 th May 2014_

_Regina,_

_So I went to the wrong apartment today. I decided I wanted to go and get the essentials from the store. Just an in and out job. To prove I could do it. It went fine until I got back…home. The key wouldn’t fit in the lock. I tried a few times, even rang Matthew (my landlord) but he was out or busy, whatever. It took me about ten minutes to realise why it didn’t work. It wasn’t my apartment. Not anymore. I was effectively trying to break into my old apartment before Storybrooke. Thankfully no one was home so no one saw._

_When Matthew rang me back to see why I’d rung him I lied and said I was checking how to use the thermostat but I’d figured it out. I couldn’t tell him. I’ve been kidding myself. Physically I’m getting better, my hair is growing back over my incision which is healing well. But my memory… I thought it was getting better but it’s not. Maybe it did for a while._

_Regina I’m so fed up forgetting things. People. People I love. My operation was meant to make me better not worse. I’m fed up of being so scared all the damn time. I fed up of being careful all the time. Taking my meds at the right time and trying not come across as a crazy person – which when you have a half shaved head with a huge slit in your scalp is rather hard._

_I’m fed up of the sympathetic looks I get from people as I walk back forth from the clinic. The adults look at me like I might just die in front of them while the kids look at me like an a god with an awesome scar (Can’t lie the latter is more comforting)._

_Mary Margaret keeps calling me. I wish I didn’t have to lie to her. Is it lying if I just don’t tell her? I guess its lying through omission. Regina I’m just scared. All the damn fucking time. Every twinge, every sneeze. Everything has me scared. Mary Margaret has told me a few things about Henry. Please don’t hate me. I know you can’t stand me right now, but I couldn’t cope with you hating me. Sometimes I don’t know who she’s talking about. I don’t mean to. I know he’s important when she talks about him. I feel like this … warmth in my chest and hearing his name makes me smile._

_Just go ahead and hate me. Right now I hate myself so you might as well. Who forgets their child? And don’t, don’t even think of telling me it’s the cancer. He means everything to me. He does. GOD! Why is this happening to me Regina? Why can’t we just be happy again?_

_I miss the stars. The city lights make it hard to see them. Occasionally I see them from my bedroom window. My room sees over this small park thing, but it means when the stars come out I can see them. Not like the clear nights in Storybrooke. They remind me of our late night walks on the beach. Every time I make a wish on the first star I see. To get better. To come home. If I wish enough it will come true right? It has to._

_Give my love to Henry. Always yours x_

Regina smiled sadly down at her lover’s words. Emma had always believed she wouldn’t be a good enough mother for their son. Her illness had only confirmed her fears. The brunette let out a large desperate sigh as took a sip of her cider, enjoying the familiar tingle the liquid forced upon her tongue. Standing she walked the distance towards the decanter she’d left out and poured yet another large measure. Regina was meant to be Emma’s happiness…and Emma hers.

True Love. They’d found each other … they’d lost each other. Why had Emma been so willing to believe her angry words? Regina knew it was not the blonde’s fault, it was hers. She hadn’t made Emma see just how much she was loved. She had known how to destruct Emma’s resolve. Knew how to press all the buttons to hurt Emma the most, just as she was at the time; and yet Emma still loved her. That was something that was always unwavering. Regina realised it always had been so. Emma believed it was her who was lucky to find Regina, but she was wrong. So very wrong. Regina was the lucky one; or maybe the universe really was that cruel. It let her taste it. Taste true happiness, only to tear it away from her. What had she really done to deserve such an amazing creature as Emma Swan?

* * *

 

  _17 th May 2014_

_Dear Regina,_

_I’m scared. I’m scared of myself, of my life. I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time. The thoughts and feelings I’m having. They just don’t feel like mine anymore. I don’t remember this apartment but the lease is in my name. I’ve checked with the landlord. Emma Swan. In big letters._

_I don’t know what’s happening to me. I woke up this morning with the biggest migraine I’ve ever had – and that says something. I don’t know if I’ve told you but I had kid a few years back, but when I was pregnant I had these mind splitting headaches. The one this morning was worse than that._

_There was a sticky note on the front of this book letting me not to look at any of the entries. Just to turn to the next clean page and write. Why am I writing letters Regina? It feels kinder old school and weird. Why am I writing them in a book?_

_I don’t really remember much of recent days – hard to believe it’s 17 th of May … hard to believe it’s 2014. Think I might check that again. My cell is in the kitchen and I keep missing the ground when I go to stand up. Dizziness isn’t fun when it’s not accompanying alcohol. _

_I feel like I can tell you these things. That’s right isn’t it? I just kinder feel royally fucked up. I think I might be missing days too. Probably should get it checked out._

_As I said I think I can tell you stuff. I feel like I can. Like I can tell you anything and you won’t laugh or shout at me. Is that right? I had a bad night last night. Nothing new I know. Or maybe you don’t. Argh I hate feeling so confused. But I remember sitting in the bath and just thinking so what? I’m not anybody to anyone. They wouldn’t miss me. Pathetic isn’t it. I’m sitting in an apartment I’m not entirely sure I can afford considering suicide._

_Clearly I didn’t do it. I don’t think I could. Just I haven’t felt like that since I got out of prison. What’s….weirder is the thing that stopped me. Do you know I like the smell of vanilla? I don’t know if you do, but I do. I have vanilla perfume and I don’t know why but when I got out of the bath…I also use apple stuff. Shampoo, shower gel that kinder thing. But when I got out for some reason when I got out I sprayed the perfume and the vanilla and apple…the smell made me feel safe, and I knew I was going to be okay._

_I know it probably doesn’t make sense, but I felt at home. I managed to fall asleep shortly after and I had dreams filled with … warm brown eyes and beautiful smiles. I felt safe. Loved I guess._

_You probably think I’m crazy and a little bit of an idiot so I’m going to go, but thank you for whenever you read this. Thank you for reading it and hopefully not laughing at me. I have one more question…confession I don’t know. But was it you? Woman with warmth soulful eyes and a beautiful smile. Was that you too?_

_Emma Swan._

The gasp that fell from Regina’s lips fall before she could register it was her who made the noise. She couldn’t breathe. She hadn’t even walked the distance back to her seat on the couch before reading the next entry and as her legs gave way she wished she had. Pain shot through her knee as the cry rang out, echoing in the quiet room. The Emma on the pages in front of her...Emma had said she'd never forgotten Regina. She hadn't. Not really, but she didn't remember who she was. Her blurred vision tried to focus on the paragraph about Henry but her tears were making the words quiver. Emma had forgotten it was she, Regina who's adopted Henry. It was almost as if that moment, everything had been them...their struggle their story was gone.

Except she hadn't. Emma had known she was important. Knew she could trust her. Regina would guard her secrets with her life. She'd considered letting Henry...Snow and Charming read this. But now....no it wasn't for their eyes. It was for Regina. Each letter was addressed to her. But she had remembered her.

Hot tears fell as Regina pulled herself up upon the seat she had just left; thankful her drink had not spilled. Emma had considered suicide. The former Mayor had wondered, but this was written prove. It was in Emma's writing and it made her stomach clench and heart break. Had Regina's voicemail played a part in it? Emma had said the night she returned she'd thought "what was the point?" all because of one drunken phone call. Regina wished she could take it back.

She couldn't help the saddened smile that graced her lips or the broken hiccup that escaped them as she realised maybe she had saved Emma that night. Emma had not remembered her. Not really. But her heart had. When Emma admitted the day at the stables she'd bought the same bath products as Regina because it they made her think of her. Helped her feel like Regina was there with her while she was at her worst ... Did Emma remember this? Regina's smell, her invisable presence had made Emma feel safe. Made her feel like she was going to be okay and to keep fighting.

She had dreamed of her. Even when Emma remembered very little of the world around her, her heart had remembered Regina. 

* * *

 

_21 st May 2014_

_Dear Regina,_

_Sticky note on the front says not to read over passed letters but if I’m honest I am considering breaking my own rule. A rule I set up because despite not remembering everything I’ve written (because of poor memory not just the thing in my brain), I know if I reread some of the entries I might alter them or rip them out. I don’t mean to upset you with anything I write, so anything I do write upsets you…I’m sorry. I’m just trying to be honest and share all this crap with you. The reason I want to break my own rule is because I think I’ve lost some days. I can’t remember them. Literally fallen out of my head._

_It’s been a while since that’s happened and normally it’s just hours at a time. Not days. That said who knows I could have been fine yesterday and my fucked up brain is playing tricks on me again. This entry isn’t going to be long. Not remembering much kinder makes it easier and harder to do these things I guess._

_Mom called again tonight. I could hear Henry in the background. Something about math. I don’t know. That kid is defiantly all you. You did good with him. Not that you need telling that, but he’s a good kid. I could hear him shouting “Bye Ma” as she rung up. I cried. I wish I was there. I came here to save you and him of all this. The throwing up, the mood swings and personality changes, forgetfulness. He needs his Ma and you need your partner not a bed ridden invalid. Sometimes I just want to give up and disobey you. Ring you up and tell you everything. Would you listen? You probably wouldn’t answer the phone – I don’t blame you._

_I start my new treatment in two days. Fun! I am beyond dreading it. Like crippling fear kinder of dread. But if it makes all this go away then I’ll do it. Also tomorrow I am altering my will. The Chemotherapy and Radiation can like nuke your eggs. So tomorrow I am getting some harvested and getting them frozen, and leaving them to you. If the treatment works we can decide what we’ll do with them then._

_I am aware you aren’t talking to me, and pretty much hate my guts. I know. But it gives us an option. I know you considered having more than just Henry – you could. I could be like I am with Henry. I know its kinder asking you to tie yourself down with another child with me, but I would do it. If the treatment doesn’t work, it’s not something you have to worry about I guess. Even if it doesn’t work and you get them, you don’t have to use them._

_Wish me luck. Yours x_

* * *

 

_26 th May 2014_

_Sorry I keep missing days. I wish I could tell you it’s because I’m shit at doing diaries – which is true. I really am terrible. But I just forgot. Or I think I’ll do it later and then never do. Can we just pretend it’s because of my crappy memory nothing else? Can we just pretend?_

_Being back at the hospital sucked. Iv bruise is back – they had to inject this contrast dye stuff so they can see where they’ve gotta nuke with the LINAC (name of the machine – I can’t remember what it stands for). A few weeks back I had to have this mask thing made for my face while I get radiotherapy. It goes across your face like this plastic mesh and they literally fasten you to the table so you can’t move your head. Thankfully one treatment doesn’t last too long – literally a few minutes. Which is kinder scary isn’t it. How much radiation are they putting in my head? Pretty sure you aren’t meant to sleep with your phone under your pillow because the radiation will fuck up your brain cells and yet they’re doing this to me?!_

_I’m having 2 weeks of treatment as they’re trying to shrink the remaining tumour and help stop its side effects. At least it’s not like 7 weeks like some of the people I was in hospital with._

_I just got back from my first treatment – the one on Friday was to do the CT, dye thing. First real radiotherapy appointment was today and I’ve yet to throw up. Apparently I will – and probably soon. Looking out my window it’s a gorgeous day outside. There’s a small I’m going to say park but it’s more of grassy area, outside my apartment block and I can see kids playing. On their bikes and two boy are throwing a ball together. What was Henry like growing up? I know by the time I came to Storybrooke he was more books and video games than an outside kinder kid. Was he always?_

_Oh one of the little girls just fell of her bike and did that silence for a moment before screaming blue murder cry. The one that makes every mother heart drop. Her mom is taking care of her. I wish I’d seen Henry grow up. I don’t regret giving him up – not at all but I missed too much. I’m missing too much. I still am aren’t I? When I’m better I am refusing to miss anymore. You can hold me to that!_

_There’s something about children laughing which is quite soothing. I remember being in the system and the other kids laughing always made me smile. The laughter and shouting from the “park” makes me happy sometimes. I just sit and watch them play and run around. I’d hoped one day we’d watch our kids run around. Henry would be an awesome big brother._

_I’m going to go because I’m not feeling all too well and I don’t think you’d appreciate me throwing up on my diary or it even remotely smelling of vomit – nice._

_Emma._

Regina grimace as she read over Emma’s ordeal. Her chest ached knowing what Emma had gone through was pointless. The treatment hadn’t worked. But she couldn’t help but smile at Emma once again planning their future. Her dreams of a family… of more children were just that dreams. They weren’t born from obligation or concern she might die and so had to harvest her eggs to ensure Regina could carry a child of her own. Emma had wanted children with her. Had wanted a future….a forever with her. One they’d lost and would never get back now. But she was glad for Emma’s sense of humour and tact. She could read in between the lines and could sense Emma was still worried and afraid of what was to come. Just as Regina had said the night Emma had returned and would continue saying to anyone who’d listen, Emma Swan was brave. She was bravely fighting a losing battle, just to get a little more time. Her Emma was brave, right up until the very end.

* * *

 

_30 th May 2014_

_Regina,_

_It is…4.37am exactly. I can’t sleep. At least I’m not throwing up anymore which I did for several hours earlier off and on. I really hope this treatment is working because I don’t think I could stand another cycle of this. One more treatment this week and then I’ve got two days off. Feels totally awesome to even think that._

_I’m never hungry these days though. I had to throw out a loaf of bread earlier untouched and days out of date. It had mould on. Gross! Don’t even get me started on the milk. If I wasn’t throwing up already …_

_I am constantly cold too. Like deep down in my bones cold. The kind that’s bad it feels like I might never be warm again. Baths help. I just got out of one. Used your apple bubble bath so now I smell of apples. I feel which warm now but I’m wide awake._

_Mom rang earlier. Just after I finished throwing up thankfully, I don’t know what I’d have done if I thought I was going to be sick again with her on the phone. She talked about you and Henry again. Henry still likes hearing my stories. I don’t know if Mom believes them, she seems to. It’s not like I’m lying. Every story I tell happened to me. Mom said Henry’s face just lights up when he hears she’s talked to me and begs for the latest news on my “adventures” – her words not mine!_

_Regina…Mom said Henry told her you shouted at him. He said he was telling you a story about me and you shouted him and told him to stop. I’m sorry I didn’t realise he was doing that. No matter how good it feels hearing him be proud of me, I wouldn’t put you through any more pain because of me. I’ve decided I’m not going to tell anymore. Or just the boring ones if I can’t get Mom and him to stop asking._

_I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you that in person because I am. I am sorry for everything. I’m sorry I can’t be what you deserve. I hope when this is all over you’ll give me a chance but I know it’s unlikely._

_I love you Regina Mills._

Regina took another gulp of her drink before slamming the glad back down. Thankfully it didn’t break. She could feel the angry boiling through her veins and flushing her skin. Snow had told Emma about her outburst at Henry. How could she? She was shocked and hurt Henry had told his grandmother. It was one time. All she had done was shout his name and ask him to stop talking about his birthmother. She can still remember the painful twinge in her stomach at the mention of the blonde name. Maybe it’s because it’s the same pain she feels now every time someone mentioned the absent woman. Only now it’s less of a twinge and more of an agonising ache from deep within.

Except it’s a pain she welcomes. A pain that reminds her that Emma was indeed here, Regina hadn’t made any of it. Emma had come back. Even when Emma thought Regina hated her she still looked out for her. Rereading the final words Regina couldn’t help the low sob that vibrated through her chest as she replied with a small, “I love you too”.

* * *

_10 th June 2014_

_Regina,_

_Sorry for the last update. Radiotherapy didn’t work. It doesn’t seem to have had any…ANY effect whatsoever. Could my magic have stopped it? I didn’t even think about it. I’ve had treatments for things in the past and it never stopped it. Maybe I’m overthinking things._

_They’re going to try Chemotherapy - tablet form apparently. Got to go tomorrow and get it. The ones they said they're gonna try me on is called Temozolomide (I asked them to write it down for me). Kinder like the radiation cycles I'm going to have to take it for so many days and then have rest days. Apparently the main risks of infection and bleeding - because that's what I need more fricking nose bleeds! I need to get better believe I do know that and I am willing to do whatever it takes, but Regina I am so fed up!_

_My headaches are back. Worse than they were in Storybrooke. I’m going out less and less. These last two weeks I’ve basically gone and had my treatments and popped into the store on the way passed. In and out. Still throwing up too. Doctors said it’s common and would normally pass naturally but with them putting me on these new meds it might now … guess what other side effects of it are? Vomiting. Also headaches, lack of coordination, memory problems, loss in appetite…insomnia. I mean I just don’t understand. Surely the treatments should be making me better not worse! I guess if it shrinks my tumour I should just be thankful right?_

_My memory has gotten worse AGAIN. Sorry I keep forgetting to write. I don’t mean to. Maybe I should set an alarm to remind myself to do it? Think it will work? It did for my treatments at the hospital. Sticky notes have become my friend too._

_Good Night xx_

* * *

 

_15 th June 2014_

_Its official I feel the worst I have ever felt. If I’m not throwing up, I’m bleeding from my nose and my throat hurts. I have these huge bruises I got from nothing, on my legs. I look like a kid who’s had a kick around in the park but didn’t realise I’d gotten hurt. They don’t hurt, just look pretty gross._

_I’m pretty much in bed most of the time now. I don’t sleep because well the fucking meds have screwed up my sleeping patterns. My head feels like it’s going to explode and I’m always so cold. I have layers. That’s right layers of covers on my bed and I am still sat shivering._

_Michelle from next door keeps popping into see me every few days. She’s back on shopping duty for me. Not that it really matters I’m not eating anything because I have no appetite whatsoever and when I feel remotely hungry everything tastes of metal. I think it’s the meds – I can’t go back and complain again. Can I?_

_I feel so incredibly gross right now. Remember when Henry got sick just before last Christmas and spent like three-four days throwing up. His eyes looked all bloodshot and sunken … he looked gross. That’s me at the moment. I won’t take a picture because believe me when I say it’s not pretty._

_The photo of you, me and Henry is still beside my bed. I miss you. I miss both of you. I know it’s my fault. I left, but I wish I didn’t miss you like this. I keep scrolling through my phone and seeing your name. Something stops me every time from pressing the call button. Would you pick up if I rang? I guess not, but I like to pretend you might. I’ve read through our texts like a hundred times. I’ve become that person! I wish everything would go back to the way it was. I miss us and I miss Henry. I just miss being happy._

_I best be getting back to sleep or at least trying to. It’s just passed 3 am. Maybe I should have put tomorrow’s date on the top. Counted it as my tomorrow entry. I dunno. I’ll write again tomorrow if I remember – I can hear the birds singing outside. It’s annoying. Don’t tell Mom I said that please. Pretty sure it’s like a sin for Snow White’s daughter to hate birds singing._

_Goodnight Regina. Xx_

* * *

 

_18 th June 2014_

_Regina,_

_I’m back in hospital. Remember when I said the new meds would heighten my risk of getting an infection. Michelle’s little baby has a cold or something and she brought him with her one of the times she came over because he couldn’t go to day care. Guess who’s got gotten sick._

_Doctors are just keeping an eye on me and flooding me with antibiotics. Really wish I wasn’t used to having an IV sticking out of the back of my hand. At least it’s my left so I can still write. They weighed me Regina … I didn’t even know how much I’d lost. They were keeping an eye on things during my treatments but its normal to lose weight but since I was here for my biopsy …I’ve lost a lot!_

_I’m really wiped out so this isn’t going to be a long letter … sorry I’m just so tired. If I feel better later I’ll see what I can do. Rose is my nurse again! Did I tell you about her? She’s pretty awesome; the kinder nurse you know is doing it because she cares not because she’s getting paid._

_Wish me nice dreams. Love you xxx_

* * *

 

_23 rd June 2014_

_Hi Regina,_

_I’m not doing very good. My body can’t fight the infection – not completely. I feel so tired all the time. Sorry my writing is really bad, got another IV in my right hand. Kinder feels weird to write. The doctors are trying everything they can, but I can tell Rose is just being upbeat. You know that annoying optimism Mom has? That’s Rose when she comes and checks on me._

_I don’t know how I feel right now you know. It’s all kinder a blur. I spend most of my time sleeping.  Talk to Mom this morning for like 5 minutes and it just wiped me out. She said you two have been getting on better, or at least not fighting as much. I told her to lay off you. I know I’ve been saying it for almost 2 years but I hope she’s finally listening._

_Regina I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. When I found out I had cancer I was terrified, but now. I had surgeries and possible treatments that might work. Now… I’m surviving and the doctors say they aren’t giving up. Guess that means I’m in for one hell of a fight._

_I left to protect you and I thought it was best for both you and Henry that I didn’t drag you down with me. But right now if you rang I’d tell you everything. If I could guarantee you’d pick up the phone, I’d call you right now. If I could do this all over I’d have told you the day Ruby found me collapsed at work. How selfish does that make me? Knowing what I do now, I would choose to have you by my side. I miss you so much. Why is life so unfair? What did I ever do to deserve this? We were happy._

_I love you Regina and I hope I’ll get to see you again._

_Your fighter, always x_

Regina had to squint at times to read all the words. She didn’t want to miss a single thing. She felt her heart sink, it was resting somewhere in her gut. Unmoving. It was coming. Emma had explained to her everything that she’d been through and she knew what was coming. She could feel there were only a few creased pages beneath her fingertips.

Emma had been afraid. That was apparent without Emma needing to say it. Regina could remember how Emma had cried as she told her of Whale’s discovery and her eventual fate. The blonde had been holding on for so long that she’s burnt herself out. She would have told her. She’d have let her come to Boston with her. Why hadn’t she rung her? She could have asked Snow to get her to ring. She wouldn’t have had to explain anything she hadn’t wanted to. Regina hadn’t called because she hadn’t known she was needed. She didn’t know Emma had needed her. She knew it; and yet she felt so guilty.

* * *

 

  _29 th June 2014_

_Dear Regina,_

_I love you. I love you so much sometimes it hurts. It hurts to even try and remember what it was like before. I’m sorry I made you doubt me. I’m sorry I took the opening you gave me and I ran with it. I love you. I’ll keep saying it until it sinks in. Don’t ever doubt me or yourself. Never, you hear me?_

_I came home. I spent the whole drive home talking to Mom and we came up with how I was going to tell you. I practiced it and everything. But then you opened the door…Somehow I’d forgotten how beautiful you are. You just took my breath away. Then the yelling started. How do you do it? Take any rational thought out of my head and just hide it out of sight._

_You looked so angry at me. I deserve it. I know I do. Everything you said tonight was right. I know that. I will never apologise for trying to do the right thing and protecting you. I might have been wrong, but I will never say sorry for loving you and trying to do right by you and our son. I’ve been looking out for Henry since before he was born; I just wasn’t what was best for him. But I am sorry for hurting you. Sorry for hurting you then. Sorry for hurting you tonight. I wish I had better news to tell you._

_Did you mean what you said when you said I was like Neal? Of all the things you’ve ever said to me that hurt the most. Because I never abandoned him Regina. You know why I gave him up. I could never be what he needed me to be. I made the hardest decision a mother will ever have to make the day I decided I was giving him up. It wasn’t one I made lightly or without thought. You know that right? I guess I’m leaving him again aren’t I?_

_Regina I do have one question. A question I may never get the answer to, and part of me doesn’t want it either. You said you regretted me.  Regretted loving me. Did you mean that? Because I have never regretted loving you.  You were just angry right?_

_It’s just after 2am and I am sat in the bath. I got cold as per usual. Stole your bubble bath I hope you don’t mind. I didn’t want to wake you – you looked so peaceful. I’ve missed you. I’m not just saying that because of the awesome sex. I’ve missed just being close to you. Seeing you, hearing you talk. Saying my name as if it’s some precious. You stopped doing that before I went away. I know that’s my fault but I’ve missed it.  Holding you. Something inside broke. Something I wasn’t even aware I’d been holding onto._

_Regina what are we going to do? How are we doing to tell Henry? How do you tell your child you’re going to die? Leave him behind yet again._

_Please Regina know that I love you. I have loved you for almost 2 years now. Every day. I don’t blame you for any of this. Please know it’s not your fault. None of this._

_Here is to fighting. Yours xx_

* * *

 

_30 th June 2014_

_My Regina,_

_You look so peaceful. Do you know that you do this little whistling thing when you breathe in? I wouldn’t say its snoring. I don’t know but its adorable. I woke up freezing cold, so I put on a top and sweats and now I’m awake. I considered having another bath but you’ve got me pinned in place. Not that I will ever complain about you holding me. I’ve missed it. Us just being … us._

_We lost us long before I left didn’t we. I never meant to get so lost. I guess maybe Whale was right. He said that GBMs were one of the most unpredictable forms of cancer because they go unseen for so long. By the time you notice something is wrong its already destroyed everything you are. Whether you were there or not you kept me grounded. You kept me sane … somewhat._

_Thank you for sharing the stables with me today. I know that can’t have been easy. You were right it wasn’t as bad as I had built up in my head. Part of that was because I knew you’d keep me safe. My protector. You made it easy and just so … normal. Nothing about my life has been normal these last few months. I have continuously had to worry about everything. But today…I knew I was safe. I could let go._

_Thank you for listening to my ramblings about Tim and Lizzie. Apart from the police when I gave my statement I haven’t told anyone about them or that night. Not even Neal. I know I can trust you to keep my secrets. I know you wouldn’t laugh or be disappointed in me._

_Regina you’re currently running your fingers across my stomach. You know that makes me sleepy. How is it even in your sleep you're simply perfect?_

_I meant what I said to Henry you know. I’m not giving up. You, Gold and I will look into every magic venue available to us. We might not be able to find a cure, but maybe something which can slow things down? I don’t know. I don’t know how magic works – don’t laugh. But we have to keep fighting because I want it all Regina. I want the engagement and the wedding. You’ll make one beautiful bride. I want to see you pregnant…I know you’ll be stunning. I need to see you holding our baby and see Henry be the best big brother ever. I want our life together. So I’m fighting for it._

_Forever and always, yours,_

_Emma Swan-Mills xxx_

As she turned the page she had known she would find no more words to comfort her. The script simply ended, and yet as she turned the pages she wished she might find just one more page to offer her refuge. Only her eyes found none. No more words, no more photographs; simply untouched pages beneath her fingertips.

Lifting her tumbler to her lips she found all drops of her beverage gone. On any other day she would have scolded herself for even thinking about drinking in the middle of the afternoon, but today was different. She cared every little for her usual ways of discipline. She cared every little for rules and order. She had lost every ounce of control she had believed she had ever gained. The emptiness she felt inside was little like she had ever experienced; which was saying something considering the dark curse she had enacted. It felt like nothing to the pain which that seemed to slither across her body like a second skin. She did not care for order right now.

Standing, Emma’s diary clutched to her chested she refilled her tumbler with the liquid she knew would only offer solace for so long. Not caring for the consequences the cider would bring as she took yet another sip and felt it tingle its way down her throat giving a slight twinge of satisfaction.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw the answering machine flashing at her. It was with a startling realisation she remembered she had not entered this room since the night Emma had returned home a week ago. With a hint of regret she remembered Emma’s confession that she would find a message waiting for her on the answering machine if only she had checked. Their first evening back together would have gone so differently if only she had pressed that small button she felt flex under her fingers, sooner.

“You have one new message, message one” rang out from the device in a feminine attempt of a robotic voice. Regina felt her heart beat faster within her chest and legs weaken as she waited for the recorded buzz to fade to reveal Emma’s lost voice.

“Hi Regina it’s me” Emma’s voice said quietly though it seemed to echo around the quiet room. Regina felt her legs buckle completely from under her. It was only by chance she caught the couch next to her and allowed herself to sit upon its cold leather. Her skin felt as if it was on fire as her tears fell fast cooling her burning skin.

“Hmmm are you there?” the voice from the machine continued and Regina heard Emma’s attempt to keep a reign on her emotions. She wanted more than anything to call out to the other woman. She could hear the slight buzz of others in the background and Regina couldn’t help but wonder where Emma had made this call from. Now she would never know. There was a long pause in which Regina silently begged Emma to continue, and when she did it was with a steadier voice. “I guess not. I’m coming back to Storybrooke. I’ve just got to get my stuff from the apartment and then I’ll be driving back” Emma explained. Emma had rang her before she’d even retrieved her belongings from her new apartment.

Regina felt her sob rip from within her chest as heard Emma’s shudder breath muffled slightly down the phone. “I need to talk you” Emma said softly and it shattered her already frail heart into a million pieces. “I need to see you” the voice confessed again Regina’s hand couldn’t even silence her sobs. “Regina if you’re there please pick up the phone” Emma begged her voice so thick that Regina could almost taste the blonde’s tears, except they were simply her own. She wished more than anything that she had done as Emma was asking her, and resisted the pointless urge to pick up the phone as if Emma would be on the other side still waiting for her to answer her.

“Okay I’ll see you in a few hours” Emma said sounding as defeated as Regina felt. There was silence once more though the ever present background buzz still lingered as if Emma wanted to say more but couldn’t. She knew the other woman’s hesitation at telling her, her prognosis and couldn’t help but wonder if Emma had considered telling her this way. Over a voice message. It was a deep sigh that broke the silence and Regina wondering how long it would be before her answering machine cut off. How long the message would be. “Regina…I love you. Bye” Emma breathed softly causing yet another cry to resound into the silence that was suffocating the listening woman.

It wasn’t fair. How could she be gone? How could she leave her and Henry? How could Regina have this recording of Emma’s voice; a tangible entity she could hear and yet Emma was nowhere to be seen. How could Regina be holding in her grasp a book of Emma’s thoughts and feelings during the last months of her life and yet Emma was not here to share them with her? How was she meant to keep breathing without her? How was she meant to keep going knowing Emma was never coming back? Her message promised she was coming back. Except she wasn’t. She had gone where Regina could not follow. She was gone for good.

 

 **Author’s Note:** This story is over BUT there is a sequel in the works. I’m not sure when I will start writing it, but I have every chapter planned out. The Sequel will be named “Famous Last Words”. It too will be a Swan Queen story so do not give up! Thank you for reading this story and the awesome fan art it has inspired. Watch this space, and I hope to see you back here again very soon.

 

 

 


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